Lessons for a Werewolf Warrior

by Jackie French

  Boo followed him out of the big school’s entrance, a black mouth in the even blacker cliffs, then across the ledge above the lava pit to what looked like a big fallen boulder. There was a narrow passage there, Boo realised, between the boulder and the cliffs, just wide enough for Mug’s bulky shoulders to slip through, that he hadn’t noticed in all the smoke and ash.

  ‘How come you’re at the School for Heroes?’ Boo asked, as he followed Mug into the crevice.

  Mug beamed back at him. ‘Giant Slugs attack our island. But me got secret weapon.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘It secret! But Giant Slugs taste good,’ added Mug happily. ‘We got enough slug now for years! Slug stew, slug pancakes, chocolate slug cake, slug pavlova, slug and chips. My mum make best slug and chips, even better than zombie spaghetti. Zombie spaghetti more useful, though. Hey, watch out. Trap just there … where you want to sit?’

  Boo stared. The ledge was wider here: like a flat rocky oval. The same black cliffs loomed above them, and the lava pit spat and bubbled. But on this ledge a big pool of water gleamed like a silver mirror edged with rounded boulders. A pair of ancient Vikings paddled a longship through the steam. All around, students from what looked like dozens of universes were sprawled on the rocks, chatting and eating their lunches, and casually avoiding the odd spear cast by the Vikings.

  Boo looked at the water longingly. He’d love a swim, though he wasn’t sure he could dog paddle as a human. But even as he looked another wisp of yellow steam drifted up from the surface.

  ‘Let’s sit over there,’ said Boo, pointing at a group sitting on the highest boulder of all, right next to the pool.

  Mug stared. ‘But they girls!’

  ‘Yes,’ said Boo. He had noticed the golden gleam of Princess Princess’s hair as soon as they’d come through the arch. It’s as yellow as two-day-old widdle, he thought admiringly. She was sitting with Yesterday and another girl from their class. He headed over without waiting to see if Mug followed.

  ‘Er, hi,’ he said. ‘Mind if we sit here?’

  ‘So then the prince said to Dad, I think she’s the most beautiful princess I’ve ever … It’s the Pong Fu champion. Were you speaking to me?’ asked Princess coolly, casually grabbing one of the flying spears and throwing it back to the Heroes in the longship.

  ‘Um, yes,’ said Boo, as the spear thudded into the side of the ship. One of the wrinkled Vikings gave a salute of approval.

  ‘No dogs allowed,’ said Princess Princess. ‘Hey, I just thought of a joke. What’s got four legs, barks and goes tick tock?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Boo.

  ‘A watch-dog!’

  ‘Ha-ha,’ said Boo, trying to smile.

  ‘Don’t be mean,’ said Yesterday. ‘Sit down.’ The scales on her rough leather tunic gleamed a little in the damp from the steam.

  Boo sat down next to her. The rock was warm on his bum, but not uncomfortably so. Even in his human form he could smell the pool below, like a kitchen kettle that had been boiling too long. Mug lowered himself next to him. Boo hoped no zombie bits fell into the pool below. He supposed even zombies didn’t like their bits boiled.

  ‘This is T’ai T’ai,’ said Yesterday. The three-eyed, green-skinned girl Boo had seen in class nodded to him. She was sharpening her claws with a nailfile. ‘And you know Princess Princess Sunbeam Caresse of Pewké.’

  ‘I’ve never heard of Pewké,’ said Boo, trying to sound as though he sat on a warm boulder in a volcano talking to a gorgeous princess every day of his life.

  ‘Oh, it’s just a small universe. But very select,’ said Princess Princess.

  ‘What that mean?’ rumbled Mug.

  ‘No dogs except on a lead,’ said Princess Princess. ‘And no zombies, either. My mum would go ballistic if she found a bit of zombie in the castle.’ Her lunch box had a gold crown on the top, Boo noticed. Her sandwiches even had the crusts cut off.

  ‘Aren’t you eating?’ Boo asked Yesterday. She was the only one without a lunch box in her lap.

  Yesterday shrugged. Her shoulders looked so thin they were almost sharp. ‘I forgot my lunch.’

  ‘Ha,’ said Princess Princess. ‘Yesterday always forgets her lunch. She’s anorexic. That’s someone who refuses to eat,’ she added, as Mug’s mouth opened to ask, ‘What that?’ again.

  Yesterday flushed. ‘I am not.’

  ‘Then how come you never bring any lunch?’

  Yesterday shrugged again.

  ‘Um, would you like a bit of mine?’ Boo offered Yesterday his lunch box.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Sure I’m sure. It’s rat sandwich,’ he added generously. ‘There’s plenty.’

  ‘Or slug quiche,’ rumbled Mug. ‘I got zombie spaghetti too. It stop wriggling now. I think it having nap.’

  ‘Well, er …’ began Yesterday.

  ‘I’ve got a couple of bananas, as well,’ offered Boo. ‘Dr Mussells gave them to me.’

  ‘He must really like you,’ said Yesterday. ‘He hardly ever gives anyone his bananas.’

  ‘What if he doesn’t like you?’

  For a moment Yesterday looked like she might smile. But she didn’t. ‘You don’t want to know.’

  She took one of the bananas and began to peel it. Her fingers were so slender they almost seemed transparent.

  How can Yesterday be a Hero? wondered Boo, watching her eat the banana hungrily. She doesn’t seem strong enough to chase a mouse, much less a monster. Then he forgot about her and watched Princess Princess instead.

  Princess Princess even ate beautifully. Her teeth were as white as poodle bones that had been bleached in the sun. And her lips were as red as a rat steak …

  ‘What are you goggling at?’ demanded Princess Princess.

  ‘Oh, nothing.’ Boo looked down at his slug quiche instead. Bits of it were wriggling slightly, but Boo hardly noticed.

  Princess Princess sighed. ‘I suppose you live with your nasty aunt and uncle.’

  Boo looked puzzled. ‘Um. No. I live with the Mayor and his family. And they’re really nice.’

  Princess Princess snorted. ‘Can’t you do anything right? The “I’m a poor orphan who’s going to save his family” is supposed to have a mean aunt and uncle who make him live on scraps.’

  ‘They don’t make me live on scraps at all. We had baked corgi last night and —’

  ‘I so didn’t need to know that,’ said Princess Princess. ‘We had our usual banquet at the palace. Roast swan, roast goose, roast venison, potatoes, carrots, asparagus, artichokes, pumpkin, green salad, tomato salad, rice salad, hot bread rolls, apple pie, peach pie, pavlova, six sorts of jellies, lemon pudding, date custard and ginger sponge. Oh, and ice cream. What did you have for dinner, Yesterday?’

  Yesterday, who was staring at Princess with an open mouth, shut it and shrugged her thin shoulders. ‘Can’t remember,’ she said shortly.

  ‘See?’ said Princess Princess. ‘I said she was anorexic. Hey, what’s the difference between a werewolf and a flea?’

  ‘We’re bigger?’

  ‘No! Werewolves have fleas but fleas don’t have werewolves!’ Princess Princess threw her scraps out into the pool. The water bubbled around them for a moment, then they blackened and sank. ‘I’m going to hang-glide above the lava. Mickey the Magnificent is giving me lessons. It’s dangerous, of course, but that’s what being a Hero is all about. Anyone else coming?’

  Boo felt his mouth hang open. ‘But … but you could burn yourself!’

  ‘Not if you know what you’re doing,’ said Princess Princess airily. ‘It’s just a matter of making sure the updraught is strong enough to keep you above the lava.’

  ‘Um … I’ll just watch,’ said Boo.

  Princess Princess snickered. ‘I said you were a watchdog!’

  Boo watched her go. There had to be some way to make Princess Princess like him, he thought wistfully. Maybe if he stayed in human form long enough she’d forget she’d ever seen
him as a puppy. The Werewolf General had said he’d only need to stay in human form for a couple of days, but Boo had a feeling it would take longer than that to get Princess Princess to forget she’d seen him lift his leg on the school stage.

  And there was one other thing that would really impress Princess Princess too.

  Learn to be a Hero.

  I need to make a list, he thought glumly, ducking as a spear whistled over his head and the water steamed and bubbled below him.

  Become the biggest Hero in the whole School for Heroes.

  Find Mum and rescue her.

  Make Princess Princess like me.

  Now he just had to figure out how to do it.

  15

  Wham! Bam! Pow!

  He just had to figure out how to do it, thought Boo, staring at the rubber bogey hanging from the rope that dangled from the giant gymnasium cave’s ceiling.

  ‘Right,’ said Ms Punch, wafting above the class. ‘This is an Insane Jellyfish …’

  Boo had been startled to find that one of the teachers was a ghost. Ms Punch had been killed during the ‘Horrible Ghastly Otherwhen Skeletons with Special Nasty Features’ invasion on her home world a hundred years before, when the Greedle decided that her people made the best sponge cake in the universes. As Ms Punch said, being a ghost for a hundred years gave her plenty of time to work out what she’d done wrong — and to make sure none of her Hero students made the same mistake.

  And she’d never really liked sponge cake anyhow.

  Mug’s hand went up. ‘It not jellyfish, Miss. It lump of rubber.’

  Ms Punch sighed. The gust sent parts of her drifting across the room. ‘There’s always one,’ she muttered to herself. ‘Pull yourself together, Punch. Very well,’ she said more loudly as her wisps came back into one shape again. ‘Let us pretend that this is an Insane Jellyfish. Now, can any of you tell me a jellyfish’s weak spot?’

  Princess Princess’s hand shot into the air. ‘Vibration, Ms Punch! If you Wham! Bam! a jellyfish there and there they begin to wobble and can’t stop.’

  Ms Punch gave a ghostly smile. ‘Excellent. Perhaps you would like to demonstrate?’

  ‘Of course, Ms Punch!’ Princess Princess swaggered out to the front of the class in her high-heeled sandals. ‘This is how you do it,’ she said. One perfect heel went Wham! One dainty hand went Bam! And then she somersaulted, kicking hard with both feet as she turned over.

  Pow! The jellyfish was wobbling so hard the entire room was filled with vibration.

  ‘Superb as always! Now, Yesterday! Your turn!’ called Ms Punch, wafting above them.

  Yesterday stood in front of the monster till it had stopped wobbling.

  Wham! Bam! Pow!

  It had none of the elegance of Princess Princess’s Wham!s. The jellyfish didn’t wobble much, either. But Ms Punch just nodded. ‘Passable,’ she said. ‘Not enough vibration to destroy it, but you’ll give it a nasty headache. You, boy, what’s your name? The zombie in the corner.’

  Mug shook his head. ‘Me Mug. No need to Wham! Bam! thingie, Miss. Me got secret weapon.’

  ‘Oh, deary me …’ muttered Ms Punch, fading in and out. ‘Look, my dear young zombie, you all have your own Hero skills. But my job is to teach you the Hero basics of Wham! Bam! Pow!’

  ‘Oh,’ said Mug. He stood in thought for a moment. ‘No worries.’ He stomped over to the jellyfish.

  Wham! Mug hit the jellyfish such a solid blow his arm fell off.

  Mug bent down and picked up his arm, then swung it hard against the jellyfish.

  Bam!

  The jellyfish shuddered.

  ‘Hmm. Not exactly traditional,’ said Ms Punch, floating through the wall and back again. ‘But it did the job. Now you, boy.’ She nodded at Boo. ‘What’s your Hero skill?’

  ‘Widdling!’ giggled Princess Princess. ‘Kung Poo!’

  Ms Punch raised a ghostly eyebrow. ‘Perhaps a traditional approach would be more effective!’

  Boo gulped. He walked stiffly up to the jellyfish then put his hands up in what he hoped was the correct Wham! position.

  Wham!

  The jellyfish swung wildly. Whap! It thudded back into him.

  ‘The idea is for you to knock it out,’ said Ms Punch, drifting above Boo as he picked himself up. ‘Not the other way around. Can you see your mistake now?’

  ‘Your boo-boo!’ gurgled Princess Princess. ‘Hey, get it? Boo’s boo-boo. That’s what we should call him! Boo-boo! Boo-boo does Kung Poo!’

  ‘Try again,’ said Ms Punch kindly.

  Boo aimed his leg. How had Princess Princess done it? He kicked out as hard as he could.

  Bam!

  And the world went black.

  The world was green and black. It stank too.

  Had the Greedle’s bogeys attacked again? He knew those vibrations felt strange … Boo sat up fast and bumped his head on something soft and furry.

  Mug.

  Mug’s green face looked down at him in concern. ‘How many fingers me holding up?’ he asked.

  ‘Four,’ said Boo.

  ‘Really?’ Mug looked at his hand in amazement. ‘So that what four look like. Me thought me had five. Me must have dropped fingers somewhere. You okay?’ he added.

  ‘I … I think so,’ said Boo. ‘What happened?’

  ‘Jellyfish Wham! Bam! Pow! you,’ said Mug helpfully.

  ‘But I was supposed to Wham! Bam! Pow! it!’

  Mug shrugged. He’d sewn his arm back on, Boo realised, or someone had. The blue thread stood out against Mug’s green fuzz. ‘Maybe jellyfish flip-flopped you then.’

  Boo tried to stand up. His legs felt wobbly, like the jellyfish.

  No, he thought, not the jellyfish. He never wanted to think about jellyfish again. What sort of Hero was he? He couldn’t even Wham! Bam! Pow! a lump of plastic.

  ‘Ah, you’re up again. Can’t keep a good Hero down, eh?’ Ms Punch floated back into the gymnasium cavern, her ghostly feet drifting through the stone floor like a pillowcase dragged by a puppy.

  ‘Yes, Miss. Sorry, Miss,’ muttered Boo.

  Ms Punch’s ghostly white eyes stared at him knowingly. ‘Feeling bad, eh, Bark? Feel like you’re a slug, not a Hero?’

  ‘Something like that,’ muttered Boo.

  ‘Don’t let it worry you,’ said Ms Punch. ‘Some Heroes just aren’t cut out for Wham! Bam! Pow! Stick to your speciality. What is your speciality anyway?’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ said Boo. ‘Widdling maybe. And biting.’

  Ms Punch stared. ‘Widdling? You mean you really do that, er, Kung Poo?’

  ‘I’m a werewolf,’ Boo explained.

  Ms Punch’s face cleared. ‘That explains why you’re so clumsy with your hands. Look, Bark, are you sure you wouldn’t be more comfortable as a wolf in Wham! Bam! Pow! class?’

  ‘Yes, Miss. I mean no, Miss.’ Boo wished his head didn’t ache. Everyone would think he was even less of a Hero if he went back to being a cute furry puppy. Especially Princess Princess! ‘I mean I really want to be a human-shaped Hero,’ he added.

  ‘Hmmm.’ Ms Punch floated above him, peering down thoughtfully. But all she said was, ‘The rest of the class are in the library. It’s manifesting down past the oval at the moment. Too far away for you to join them — the bell will be going in a few seconds. You’re probably feeling a bit too fragile to cope with the library in any case. The books are being especially heroic today — they’ve been Wham!ing and Bam!ing all over the library. Get a good night’s sleep and we’ll see you tomorrow.’

  ‘Yes, Miss,’ said Boo miserably, as once again the bell pealed deep inside the volcano, making his head ache even more.

  ‘Me glad you okay,’ said Mug as the echoes died away. ‘Get friend then lose friend all in same day — that bad.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Boo weakly. ‘It would be.’

  ‘Hey, is Boo all right?’

  For a wonderful moment Boo thought it was Princess Princess. But it was only Yesterda
y.

  ‘I’m feeling fine,’ said Boo, not quite truthfully. ‘Just dumb.’

  Yesterday gave an almost smile. It looked nice, thought Boo … not brilliantly, heroically beautiful like Princess Princess’s smile. But nice. Boo wondered what Yesterday would look like if she smiled properly.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘We all do dumb things sometimes.’

  ‘Not Princess Princess,’ said Boo. ‘She’s perfect.’

  Yesterday’s smile faded a bit. ‘Yes, Princess Pea is always perfect,’ she said. ‘Do you want a hand to get to the wormhole?’

  ‘No,’ said Boo. ‘I’m okay.’

  And he was. Sort of.

  ‘Come on,’ said Yesterday. ‘Mug and I will go with you, just in case.’

  They walked out of the gym, down the black stone corridor, and out onto the ledge. The wormhole was a black smudge in the blackness of the cliff. One by one students were lining up to walk into it.

  It was Princess Princess’s turn at the entrance now. Boo watched her stride inside, under the fossilised bed. He imagined her stepping out into a grand ballroom in a castle somewhere. But no, the entrance in her universe would be under a bed too, wouldn’t it? He bet Princess had the most heroic bedroom in the universes, with swords on the wall, and diamond battle-axes embroidered on the blanket …

  The three of them got into line. Yesterday reached the entrance first. ‘See you tomorrow, Boo,’ she said.

  ‘Yeah. See you,’ said Boo glumly.

  Mug was next. ‘Bye,’ he said. He hesitated. ‘Me glad me have friend,’ he added, holding out a fuzzy hand.

  Boo shook it. He’d expected it to be all squishy, like the fungus-covered Rat Surprise. But instead it felt muscular under the fuzz. ‘I’m glad you’re my friend too,’ he said, and was surprised to realise that he meant it.

  Boo began to walk down the wormhole. After a few seconds he looked back. But it was impossible to make out anything in the redness that was the door to Hero School.

  Boo turned back and began to walk again. He was pooped! But there was so much to think about too. Did he really want to be a Hero? Did Princess Princess really hate him or was she just pretending, the way girls sometimes did? What would Princess Princess wear tomorrow?