All the best,
Lord Cameron
Julianna couldn’t fathom what Lord Cameron meant by keeping the employment secret, and she was entirely too tired to try to figure it out at this moment. She fell into bed and instantly to sleep.
She awoke the next morning with a start and cursed at the first rays of dawn she could see through her window. She’d not meant to sleep more than a few hours, but in her tired state, she’d forgotten to tell the butler to wake her. Wanting nothing more than to dress quickly, see Liza and then go learn how Nash was, she shoved the covers back and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Paper crackled under her foot, and with a glance down, she sighed at the reminder that she needed to find out what the devil her brother-in-law was up to, but it would simply have to wait.
She raced through getting dressed and dashed out of the room without even brushing her hair. A quick glance in the nursery found Liza still slumbering and the cook, who had lately been acting more like a nanny, rocking in a chair while embroidering.
“Breakfast is ready downstairs,” Mrs. Eason said.
“I’ll eat later,” Julianna replied. “Do you mind entertaining Liza for a bit? I’ll be back around lunchtime.”
“Not at all, my lady. May she come in the kitchen with me?”
“Certainly.” It would do Liza good to learn some of the skills Julianna had never acquired because she’d been told it was not proper. But Julianna’s views on what was proper were changing dramatically. She was in favor of pragmatism over silly rules of etiquette. After leaving the nursery, she hurried down the steps, but faltered in her dash for the door when she heard David bark an order at Mr. Eason to get Julianna’s trunks prepared for departure to Town.
She marched into the study where David was. “Please leave us, Eason.”
The butler nodded and left the room, closing the door behind him.
Julianna whirled to face David. “What are you about, David? Did you write a letter in my name to Lord Cameron telling him I had changed my mind and wanted him to come see me?”
“I most certainly did. Someone has to look out for you and Liza since Henry is gone.”
Julianna sighed. “David―”
“No, Julianna, listen to me first. Please. I understand why you didn’t tell me about taking a position as a tutor. I thought about it last night, and I can see that you were afraid of how I would react, but my reaction is out of concern for you and Liza. If people learn you are a tutor, you will be ruined, whether you or I think it’s right or fair.”
“Then let it happen,” Julianna retorted, thinking of Nash and all the snobbery he must have had to endure all these years.
David slapped his palm against the desk. “Think of Liza, if not yourself.”
“I am thinking of Liza,” Julianna said through clenched teeth. “I want her to grow up less aware of social divides than I was. I want her to be the sort of woman to make the world we live in a better place. More equal for all.”
“This world will never be equal for all, Julianna.”
“I disagree.”
“I insist you marry Lord Cameron.”
“No,” Julianna said, anger mounting in her chest. “You don’t have the right to insist anything.”
“For the love of all that’s holy, how will I keep all of you fed, clothed, and sustaining the life to which you are accustomed? I want to, believe me, I do. I don’t want to let Henry down, but I’m struggling, Julianna. I’m trying to find a solution, and you won’t help me.”
The anger drained out of her at his wavering voice. David was a good man, but he was desperate. He didn’t want to let her down, or his wife, or babe, or Henry. Julianna went around the desk and hugged David. “Lord Cameron mentioned he knows of a position I can have that would be rather secret.”
“Really?”
“Yes, but, David, I have to warn you that I don’t know how long this position will be for, and I highly doubt the next one will be secret, and I am perfectly fine with that. You must learn to be fine with it too.”
He shrugged. “Perhaps with time.”
“Yes, hopefully,” she agreed and eyed the door, anxious to leave. When she turned back to David, he was staring at her with an uncertain expression.
“This man, Mr. Wolverton… What are your feelings for him? You seem rather upset about his sickness.”
Julianna stiffened. “I’d be upset over anyone being sick.” It wasn’t a lie. She would be upset. She just wouldn’t feel as if she were falling to pieces the way she felt at this moment. “I worked for him, so naturally I got to know him.”
David’s brow furrowed, and she prayed he would not question her further.
“I see. Well, if there were more to it…”
“There isn’t,” she insisted. She wasn’t about to bare her soul to Henry’s brother.
“All right. You said ‘worked’. Does that mean the employment is over?”
“Yes.” It had to be. She could not risk losing him and possibly losing herself to melancholy again. She would have to get over him. Somehow. Someway.
“So shall we return to Town together?”
“Not until I’m certain he’s better.”
David nodded. “I can stay, if you wish it?”
“No. You go back to Helena. I’m sure she’s worried, and I’m certain Mr. Wolverton will recover quickly, and then I’ll leave.” She willed her words to be true. The alternative was too dreadful to think about.
Julianna may have willed her words about Nash getting better to be true, but by the end of the week and several convulsive episodes later, she was exhausted and certain he was going to die. Then miraculously, on the seventh day, as Esther and Maggie returned and Julianna was whispering the terrible news to Esther, the physician rushed down the stairs to announce Nash’s fever had broken and he was awake, talking lucidly and asking for food.
Julianna started to cry, and she simply could not stop. The physician offered her some laudanum, but she waved him away with one hand while burying her face in the other. Esther patted her on the shoulder and bent down close to her ear. “I’ll be back in a moment, dearie. I’ll just go check on Nash and let Maggie see him, then I’ll come back to you and we can have a nice long talk.”
Julianna nodded, but she knew she wouldn’t be here. She didn’t want to have a nice long talk with someone that might change her mind about what she had to do. “I’ll wait in his study for you,” she lied.
Moments later, she sat behind his desk and dried her eyes as she took out a quill pen and sheet of foolscap. The last week had shown her that far more of her heart was invested with Nash than she had known. A terrifyingly large part of her heart, in fact. She could not chance any more of it going to him because if she ever lost him she would be miserable forever, and that simply would not do for Liza’s sake.
Julianna dipped the quill in the pot then set the pen to paper and began to write furiously. She wanted to be gone by the time Esther came downstairs. And by gone she meant from Yarmouth.
By the time Nash read this, she would be in her carriage on the way to Town and her new, safe life. She’d already sent Liza ahead with David to visit, so leaving would be simple and quick. Her trunk had been packed for days. She finished the note, folded it, scribbled Nash’s name on it, and left it atop his desk where Esther was sure to find it.
Her heart felt heavy and small, but that was better than how it felt previously, as if it no longer was in her chest, as if it had been ripped out at Henry’s death, then finally shoved haphazardly back in by sheer force of will, and only to be ripped apart again when Nash had gotten sick.
She peeked out the study door, saw it was clear, and fled out of the house and away from love.
Nash had been waiting all day to see Julianna, and he might be weak, but his mind was strong. He knew when he was being lied to.
Esther set a tray in front of him and gave him a smile, except the smile didn’t touch her eyes as it normally did.
“No more stalling, Esther. Where is she? You said she’d been here the entire time I was sick, caring for me. So where is she? I’m beginning to think she wasn’t here at all, and you simply want to spare my feelings.”
“She was here,” Esther muttered. “When the physician came down the stairs and announced you were going to live, she dissolved into tears and could not stop. Dr. Lassiter said he thought you lived by her sheer determination that you would.”
Nash’s chest tightened. She loved him. She had to, to attend him day and night and risk herself. What her brother-in-law and Trevelle had said was a misunderstanding, but he wanted to hear her say it. “Then bring her to me now, or I’ll get out of this bed and go find her.”
Esther stared mutinously at him, so he shoved the coverlet back, determined to make good his threat. Her hand came immediately to his arm. “Don’t,” she murmured. “It’s pointless. I planned to tell you tomorrow after you’d had gotten one good night’s rest, but you are a stubborn man.” Esther paused. “She’s gone.”
“From the house?” He was aware his hands had curled into fists.
Esther shook her head. “From Yarmouth. She left this for you. I read it.”
“Of course you did,” he snapped.
Esther pursed her lips at him. “Don’t be that way. I had to know, because you’d never tell me, and I needed to know how to help you.”
He unfolded the letter and read.
Nash,
I’m sorry I used you and lied to you about marrying you. I will never forget our night together, but I simply am too afraid to love with all my heart again.
Yours,
Julianna
This woman was more deadly to him than what he had just survived. He crumpled the paper in his fist. He fought the bitterness that burned his gut and shoved back the anger and betrayal trying to curl and fester through him. He refused to let her choose to marry Trevelle without a fight. He refused to let her go.
He needed to think. He needed a plan. “Please leave me.”
“Nash―”
His lungs seemed to constrict. He forced air in and spoke. “I need to be alone.”
Esther nodded and quietly shut the door.
He waited until he could no longer hear her footsteps, and then with a roar, he let his anger loose. He had to or it would be all he felt. He picked up the dinner tray and threw it against the far wall of his bedchamber. Glass splintered and flew through the air and broth ran in rivulets down the wall. He kicked off his bedcovers with a growl and swung his legs over the side of the bed, intent on dressing and hunting Julianna down. She’d been here caring for him. Watching over him. Risking her health for him. She had to love him, or she wouldn’t have done all that. He knew it. She may have been afraid of her love, but she loved him. He stood and managed three shaky steps before his legs gave and he fell to his knees.
Fear gripped him. He couldn’t go to her. He was too damned weak, and what if by the time he recovered, he was too late?
It took the better part of a week to recover from his illness, but once the fatigue faded away, he did not waste a second packing up the household and getting them all to Town. He arrived the night of the Primwitty Ball. First, he tried to call on Lady Davenport to inquire about Julianna since he was uncertain of Julianna’s whereabouts, but the Davenport’s had already gone to the ball, so he headed straight there.
As he moved up the line to greet the Duke and Duchess of Primwitty, Lady Davenport waved at him and rushed over with her husband in tow, who looked rather amused with his wife.
“I’ve been scanning the front door waiting for you to arrive. I have a thing or two I want to say to you,” Lady Davenport announced as she pulled him out of the line and into a secluded corner.
“I was hoping to see you, too,” Nash said. When Davenport cocked his eyebrows at him, Nash added, “In regard to another woman.”
Davenport chuckled. “Now things are starting to make sense. Darling, are you playing matchmaker again? Did it go wrong, as it often does?”
“She’s innocent,” Nash answered abruptly, wanting to move the conversation on to more important things such as was Julianna here and was she married.
“My wife is far from innocent,” the man answered, giving Lady Davenport a warm, lingering look.
Lady Davenport pursed her lips at her husband. “I really don’t like when you talk about me as if I’m not standing here, darling.”
Davenport smiled indulgently at his wife in a way that sent a streak of jealousy through Nash. They were obviously in love, which was something Nash might have lost his chance at. He couldn’t stand not knowing a moment longer.
“Lady Davenport, is Lady Barrows here tonight?”
“Of course. She came with Lord Cameron.”
Nash’s chest tightened painfully. “Where?” he choked out. “Where are they?”
Her brow furrowed as she pointed to the dance floor. “There.”
His gaze followed instantly to where Lady Davenport had pointed. Julianna looked stunning in green. Her hair was swept up to display the expanse of neck he had hoped to kiss for the rest of his life. Nash’s blood roared in his ears. She was smiling as she looked up into Trevelle’s face, and damn the man, he had one hand resting on Julianna’s bare shoulder and the other low on her back. Possessively low. As if she was his.
Every muscle in Nash’s body tightened. His lungs constricted but he forced a breath. He had lost her. Anger and bitterness pounded through him. He wanted to kill Trevelle. He wanted to stalk over there and take Julianna away from the man and throw him in the Thames. Nash made himself form the question that was going to kill him to hear answered. “When were they married?”
Lady Davenport frowned. “When were they what?”
“Married,” he said on a growl.
She eyed him knowingly and placed a gentle hand on his arm. “They are not married, Mr. Wolverton. Is that what you thought?”
He grew perfectly still, not even breathing, simply letting the relief flow through him. Then his eyes found her again and drank her in. Her gentle smile. The tilt of her head. The way her hair caught the light and shimmered like fire.
She was his, and he was hers. They belonged together, whether she liked it or not. After her broken heart came a new start. A new chance. That’s what he was going to tell her. She was not dead. She had to make the choice to love, to really live. He took a step toward her, and Lady Davenport grabbed his arm.
He glanced down at her, and she smiled. “I’m so happy to see how much she means to you.”
Too many emotions clogged his throat to talk yet, so he nodded.
“You must listen to me,” Lady Davenport said, leaning in. “As much as I’m sure you want to go over there and yank her out of his arms, you must let her come to you.”
“She won’t do that,” he said, as much as he wished she would. “And there is no way I can walk away from her and leave her in his arms. I can’t just let him take her from me.”
“Silly, man,” Lady Davenport sighed. “He could never take her from you, and just so you know, she has no interest in him in any way other than friendship. And you are not walking away from her. You are leading her to you. She must be made to realize that living without you now is worse than the possibility of losing you someday.”
“And if she doesn’t realize it?”
“I suppose you’ll have to kidnap her then and refuse to release her until she admits the truth.”
“You cannot be serious?”
Lady Davenport simply stared at him. He glanced at her husband. “Is she serious?” The proposition actually was quickly growing on him.
“Probably,” Davenport replied. “But I suggest you try all noncriminal measures to win her first. My wife is not known for being the most rational person.”
“Please recall that I am standing here,” Lady Davenport said with a wicked smile at her husband.
“What do you think I should do?” Nash asked her.
“That’s simple. Do what you do best―dance and flirt. Do you see those women standing over there?” She nodded to the corridor to his right where the Duchess of Primwitty and Lady Whitney, his new shipping partner’s wife, stood huddled.
“Yes.”
“We will make sure Julianna is in the perfect position to see you as you dance and flirt. I predict she’ll be by your side before the supper bell is rung.”
“All right,” he nodded. But if she wasn’t, he was going to go with the second suggestion and kidnap the daft woman and pray she accepted that she loved him and could not live without him for however long they had.
From the side of the ballroom where Sally had led her to talk and then promptly scampered off, Julianna bit her lip on her cry as she watched Nash dancing with yet another woman. He twirled Lady Jayne around the room, and Julianna’s stomach wound into a tight, hard knot.
She had not outrun love. It was impossible to run that fast. This was a disaster.
Since the moment she had left Nash’s home, she had felt as if someone had died. Yet again. Losing a love who was still alive felt dreadful in its own terrible way. She may never recover from it even. It had taken all her will to dress and come here tonight, reminding her very much of how she had felt after Henry had died. As if breathing took entirely too much effort.
Lord Cameron leaned close to her. “Do you want to leave, Julianna? You look rather pale, and I’m sure Lillian will be all right with going.”
Julianna glanced over to where Miss Lloyd, the woman she was a secret companion to, was standing amongst a group of growing admires. “She’s done quite well tonight.”
After Forever, A Whisper of Scandal Novel Page 12