“Yes.” Lord Cameron smiled as he looked at Miss Lloyd. “She’s like a sister to me. It’s been very hard to watch her suffer.”
Julianna thought about the past week. Lord Cameron had been very kind to her. She had gone to see him right after returning to Town, and he had not hesitated to recommend her to Miss Lloyd who was her same age. Julianna had liked the woman at once. And when she had heard the story of how Miss Lloyd had been kidnapped several years ago and abused, which had led her to shy away from men and Society ever since, Julianna’s heart had gone out to her. Miss Lloyd needed someone by her side when she went out in public because she was now prone to panic attacks and severe bouts of stuttering ever since her ordeal. She wanted someone her age, not one of the matrons her father kept hiring to help her.
Julianna suspected Miss Lloyd secretly liked Lord Cameron, but she was unsure of his thoughts on the matter. What she knew for sure was that he was a good man. He had been willing to marry her out of a sense of duty to Henry and what he felt was his part in Julianna’s financial predicament. Also, he had not brought up Nash once, and for that, she was very grateful. It hurt to think about him. To talk about him would be torture.
Julianna watched as Nash took another dance partner in his arms, and it felt as if someone had reached into her chest and ripped her heart out. She turned away and when she did, Audrey appeared behind her, linked arms with her and turned them both to face the dance floor once again.
“I believe I’ll go see if Miss Lloyd is ready to leave,” Lord Cameron said.
Julianna nodded, because that was all she could do. A sob was lodged in her throat, caused by the pain of watching Nash dance with another woman.
As Lord Cameron departed, Audrey leaned her head next to Julianna’s. “You are a fool.”
Audrey never had been one to mince words.
“I’m not sure I know what you mean,” Julianna lied.
“You know exactly what I mean. You left him because you were afraid of falling madly in love with him, but one look at your pale face and trembling hands as you watch him and I think we both know you are already madly in love with him.”
It was true. She was. Heaven help her. She had tried to convince herself she had only been on the cusp of great love, but it was a lie. She had been teetering on the edge of melancholy all week. And now, she was terrified to go to him but also terrified to let him go to another. The question was which was the larger fear?
“How will you feel if he marries another?” Whitney demanded, appearing out of nowhere at Julianna’s other side.
Julianna blinked at her friend and then gave Audrey an accusing look for spilling her secret to Whitney, the wife of Nash’s business partner. Still, with sigh, she answered her friend’s question anyway She was sure, whether she replied or not, the woman could read the answer on her face. “Like I’m dying.”
Both women huddled close to her. “Darling,” Audrey said, “if you feel like you are dying now, then have you really spared yourself by running from love? Your heart is breaking now, but if you go to him, even if he is someday taken from you by fate, you will have this time and whatever glorious memories you make.”
Whitney hugged Julianna. “If you could do it all again, would you chose not to have married Lord Barrows, knowing what you now know?”
“Of course not,” Julianna immediately replied. The noise around her faded to nothing for one moment, then crashed back in as she clutched Audrey’s arm. “I would not change it. Even after everything, loving him was worth the pain. Oh, dear, heaven.”
She glanced toward the crowded dance floor but did not see Nash. Her heart raced as she scanned the room. Where had he gone?
Whitney pointed to the terrace. “He went out the door. Alone.”
“I’m not sure why it has taken me so long to realize I would not take back loving Henry,” Julianna said past the emotion clogging her throat.
Audrey smirked. “I’m sure you just needed our guidance, and now we are guiding you to go get Mr. Wolverton and really start living again!”
Julianna pulled both of her friends to her. “Thank you for putting up with me.”
“You’re quite welcome. Now go,” Whitney shooed.
Julianna turned on her heel and looped in and out of the crowd, waving to different people she knew as she went. As she neared the terrace, her steps faltered. What if it was too late? What if he couldn’t forgive her for leaving him like she had? No, she had to try. She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and started forward once more, only to be rudely shoved aside as she reached to open the terrace door.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Lavinia demanded and yanked her into a dark corner.
Julianna tensed and pulled her arm out of the woman’s grasp. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m going on to the terrace for some fresh air.”
“My husband passed. Did you know that?”
Julianna shook her head. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not,” Lavinia said. “He was a decrepit, dreadful man.”
“I suppose that’s no more than you deserved, considering I remember you saying you married him for his money.”
“Yes, I did. There’s no crime in that. But now I’m free, and I’ve decided this time I’ll marry for desire, and there is only one man I desire.” Lavinia looked at the terrace door.
Julianna’s stomach dropped at the news. If Lavinia told Nash she wanted to marry him, would he? Would he because, no matter how awful she was, she was the mother of his child and he knew what it was like to grow up without one’s mother? Did Julianna have the right to put him in such a terrible position as to pick between his heart and what he felt was his duty? Uncertainty filled her.
Lavinia ran her hands over her dress then sighed. “I want to try to be the mother to my daughter that I should have been from the very beginning. Will you take that chance away from me and my daughter? I was watching Nash tonight, and I saw him watching you.”
The news was both awful and wonderful. He wouldn’t watch her if he didn’t still care for her.
“Please.” Lavinia grabbed Julianna’s arm and squeezed it. “Please give me a chance to at least have him hear me out. If you go to him first, he won’t listen to me. I just know it. If he doesn’t want me, well, then giving me this time to talk to him won’t change that.”
Julianna nodded. She had to believe that Nash would not choose this woman, even for his daughter’s sake, but she had to let him make that choice, just as he had tried to let her choose him. As Lavinia moved out of the corner and slipped onto the terrace, Julianna leaned against the wall to wait. The minute Nash came back into the ballroom she would go to him and tell him of the mistake she had made and how much she loved him.
When the terrace door opened and Nash saw a slight figure of a woman moving through the shadows and heard her whispering his name, his heart exploded with happiness. She’d come to him. She’d decided to live and love.
“Julianna,” he called out and rushed into the shadows of the alcove, only to come to a shuddering halt when he came face-to-face with Lavinia. “What do you want?” he demanded.
“You, of course.” She ran her hand down his arm.
He jerked away, and she smiled in return.
“So testy, Nash. I’ve come to offer to be a good, obedient wife.”
“No, thank you. The offer is no longer on the table.”
Lavina’s eyes narrowed. “But I’ve decided I want to marry you. You’ve made quite a lot of powerful friends, and all the ton is atwitter about how wonderful you are and about your partnership with that American. It seems no one cares that you are a commoner.”
Anger burned Nash’s gut. “So now you no longer care?”
“That’s right, love. I’ll marry you, and we can be one little happy family like you always wanted. Me, you, and our darling daughter.”
God, Lavinia made him sick. He couldn’t believe he had ever thought Maggie would be better off having her as
a mother than no mother at all. Maggie was far better without a mother than this vile creature, but his daughter would have a mother if he could help it―Julianna. “And what would you teach our daughter, Lavinia?”
“Me? Why would I teach her things? We’ll have nannies and tutors, and you know sending children away to school really is the best experience for them.”
“Your motherly instincts astound me,” Nash replied, just barely keeping the snarl out of his tone. He stepped around Lavinia and headed toward the door, determined to find Julianna, but as he reached to turn the handle, Lavinia grasped his arm and clung.
“Why the hurry?” she demanded. “If you’re rushing to get to Miss Prim and Properly Forever in Mourning, I do believe I overheard her say she was going to leave with Lord Cameron. Maybe he has broken through her gloom?” Lavinia smiled wickedly.
Nash shrugged Lavinia off and yanked open the terrace door. He was going to give Trevelle the beating of a lifetime, and then he was going to beg Julianna to love him. He didn’t get a step before Lavinia dashed in front of him, threw her arms around his neck, and kissed him.
Julianna leaned down to retrieve the earring she had dropped, and as she came up, she saw them. Nash and Lavinia―her hands around his neck, his hands on her hips, and their mouths locked together in a passionate kiss. The room around her seemed to spin as her heart cracked wide open. With a cry, she spun on her heel and raced through the crowd, stopping long enough to wrench on Lord Cameron’s arm and beg him to take her home.
Thank goodness, he had been a step ahead of her and had already called the carriage around. It was not until they made their way hurriedly out and she alighted into the carriage and it started to rumble off, that she realized Miss Lloyd was not with them.
“Dear heavens, we forgot Miss Lloyd,” she choked out, while trying to hold back her tears over losing Nash.
Lord Cameron shook his head. “Audrey insisted they could bring Lillian home, and I relented because Lillian appeared as if wanted she to stay. But I went ahead and called the carriage because earlier you really did look as if someone had just died.”
She winced at his choice of words, even as he paled.
“Good, God, that was a deuced stupid thing for me to say. I’m―”
The carriage jerked to a halt, cutting off his sentence.
“Julianna!”
Her heart lurched at the sound of Nash’s voice calling her name. She jerked open the carriage door and fairly fell out. She landed against Nash, and he scooped her up against his chest in a most improper show of emotion that she loved. He freed one hand and rapped on the carriage.
Lord Cameron stuck his head out.
Nash curled his fingers possessively around her arms as he held her tight and glared at Lord Cameron. “I suggest you leave Julianna with me or I will show you exactly how I earned the nickname Beast.
“I’ve seen you in the ring, and I’m well aware how you got the name. Still, if Julianna wants me to stay…”
“No.” Her voice was a breathless whisper. That would not do at all. She cleared her throat. “I daresay I’m in good hands, but I thank you.”
“As you wish,” Lord Cameron said, inclining his head to her. “Then I bid you both goodnight.” With a smile, he commanded his driver to depart as he settled back into the carriage.
Nash set Julianna on her feet, but did not let go of her. He cupped her face in his hands. In the distance, the notes of the waltz drifted from the house, but other than that, the only sound filling the night was her heart thumping in her ears.
“Where did you think were going, Julianna?” Nash demanded in a low growl. “I love you, and damn it, I know you love me, too. I know you’re scared, but isn’t it scarier to think of living the rest of your life knowing what we could have had? Knowing that you turned your back on us?”
He loved her! He’d said it just then plain as the night was black. She’d known it but had tried not to see it, and now it was all she wanted to know. See. Hear. Taste. Feel. She raised her hands to his face and brushed her fingers down his cheeks. The slight prick of emerging whiskers tickled her fingers, but she loved that, too. She loved everything about her most improper man. “Yes,” she said simply.
“Yes?”
He looked so shocked that she giggled. “Yes. It terrifies me to think of my life without you. I realized tonight that I couldn’t avoid giving you my whole heart because I already had. But more importantly, I realized I didn’t want to avoid it. I was coming to tell you, but then Lavinia intercepted me and said she wanted to marry you and be Maggie’s mother. I didn’t see how I could not let you have that choice, though I prayed you would choose me. But then I saw you kissing her, and I thought―”
He crushed his mouth to hers in a claiming, toe-curling, soul-awakening kiss. Slowly, he pulled away enough to talk. “She kissed me. There is no one for me but you, if you will but have me. I know I’m not a gentleman―”
“I rather prefer that,” she said, and kissed him squarely on his lips.
He grinned down at her. “And I cannot promise to outlive you. In fact, I pray I don’t.”
She frowned at that.
“But I vow to you that every day we have together, I will love you passionately, improperly, and with every fiber of my being. And though we may not have forever, the joy we have in the moments we are granted will be worth anything we have to withstand. And we will always, always have the memories of each other.”
He ran his thumbs over her cheeks where tears ran down her face. She took his hand in hers and pressed it to her heart before speaking. “I promise to love you forever, even if forever is not as long as we hope. I will hold you in my heart all the days of my life until my last breath leaves my body and my soul departs the earth.”
He pulled her into the crook of his arm and intertwined their fingers. “Let’s go home, Julianna. I want to make many babies with you. I don’t want a bare spot on the walls of our family portrait gallery.”
Julianna sighed happily and snuggled close to Nash as they strolled back toward the house. She glanced up at the stars and contemplated the blessings God had given her. Somewhere up there, she was sure Henry was looking down at her, and though he was undoubtedly scandalized by her behavior of late, she was sure he would be glad she had found happiness and another chance at a love to last a lifetime. She leaned her head against Nash as they walked and savored the love that she had found.
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MY FAIR DUCHESS (A Once Upon A Rogue Novel Book 1)
BARGAINING WITH A RAKE (A Whisper of Scandal Novel Book 1)
CONSPIRING WITH A ROGUE (A Whisper of Scandal Novel Book 2)
DANCING WITH A DEVIL (A Whisper of Scandal Novel Book 3)
A WHISPER OF SCANDAL TRILOGY (Books 1-3)
WHAT A ROGUE WANTS (Lords of Deception Book 1)
THE REDEMPTION OF A DISSOLUTE EARL (A Danby Family Novella 1)
SEASON FOR SURRENDER (A Danby Family Novella 2)
ECHOES IN THE SILENCE (THE SIREN SAGA) BOOK 1
ANTHOLOG
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A Summons From Yorkshire (Regency Christmas Summons Collection 1)
A Gentlemen’s Pact (Regency Christmas Pact)
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Julie Johnstone is a USA Today best-selling author of Regency Romance and the author of a new urban fantasy/paranormal romance book. She’s been a voracious reader of books since she was a young girl. Her mother would tell you that as a child Julie had a rich fantasy life made up of many different make believe friends. As an adult, Julie is one of the lucky few who can say she is living the dream by working with her passion of creating worlds from her imagination. When Julie is not writing she is chasing her two precocious children around, cooking, reading or exercising. Julie loves to hear from her readers. You can send her an email at [email protected] or find her on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/authorjuliejohnstone or at twitter @juliejohnstone.
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Author’s Note
If you would like to read more about this period, the following books are some I often refer to in my research.
Cunnington, Willet, C., English Women’s Clothing in the Nineteenth Century, New York, Dover Publications, Inc., 1990.
Hope, Thomas, Household Furniture and Interior Decoration Classic Style Book of the Regency Period, New York, Dover Publications, 1971.
Hughes, Kristine, The Writer’s Guide to Everyday Life in Regency and Victorian England From 1811-1901, Ohio, Writer’s Digest Books, 1998.
After Forever, A Whisper of Scandal Novel Page 13