by Curry, Edna
She smiled her thanks, wincing at the movement. ‘Knew’ in the Biblical sense. At least Wesley had a great bedside manner.
She listened as he checked her face and redid the bandage, talking about the repairs he’d done.
She thanked him with another attempt at a smile. “I’m sure you did a good job,” she told him, her swollen cheek making her words sound mumbled. “I’ve heard that you’re an excellent surgeon.” That was true. She had heard that. She just hadn’t said how long ago she’d heard it.
Wesley’s face lit up. “Thank you.”
Laurie felt sure he thought the nurses had been singing his praises to her. Probably the nurses did think he was great, since he was an attractive bachelor as well as a good surgeon.
“I met with your husband this afternoon before he left to return to Minnesota. Goodnight, then, Mrs. Markham.”
So, Jass did leave. Relief surged through her. She didn’t have to deal with him now. She thanked Wesley and watched him walk out of her room, wondering what she’d ever seen in him. He was a handsome specimen, of course, tall, blond, and muscular. He was also extremely talented, and anyone who married him would have money and prestige, yet she wasn’t one bit tempted.
She felt nothing for him, yet only days ago, they had been entwined in her bed, making passionate love to each other.
Love! She didn’t know the meaning of the word!
Yes, she did. Love was what she and LaRae had shared and she’d now lost. She sighed and lay down again.
Oh, Jass. How can I ever make it up to you and Susie? On the other hand, what he’d done seemed so right. He’d left her behind, and taken LaRae home. Even if he didn’t know it, he had made the right choice.
I’m going to miss you so much, LaRae!
She turned into her pillow and cried herself to sleep.
She dreamt of Emy, and that awful time when she was a child, and learned of her friend’s murder. She saw it all clearly, the big hired man carrying Emy’s little body towards the woods. She didn’t want to watch, but she couldn’t take her eyes off them.
Suddenly Emy looked right at her and began to scream. But her face changed to Susie’s face. Susie’s wide blue eyes stared at Laurie imploring her to help her, as the screams went on and on.
Laurie gasped and woke up to a shadowy room. Her heart pounded, and her body was drenched in sweat. Through the partly open door she could hear soft, muffled voices and the clattering noise of a cart rolling down the hallway.
It was only a dream. She was safe in her dark hospital room. She tried to go back to sleep, but she couldn’t shake an awful feeling of foreboding.
What did her dream mean? Until yesterday, she hadn’t thought of Emy in years. Why did she suddenly remember her now? Was it because she was feeling guilty that it was her fault that Susie was now all alone, without a mother? Was her subconscious mind tormenting her with the possibilities for little girls who were unprotected? Or was LaRae’s death just reminding her of her first experience with a loved one’s death?
Had she really passed through the dark tunnel and talked to Emy? Or was she hallucinating? Maybe it was all the result of her head injury and the medications they kept giving her.
The next days were the longest Laurie had ever spent. No one came to see her. Her friends in California all thought she was dead, and were sending flowers to Minnesota in her memory.
A lovely bouquet of flowers arrived in her hospital room. It had Jass’s name as the sender, but no note or message.
He called twice, but she couldn’t tell him about the mix-up over the phone, and talking was still difficult, so they had little to say. She asked about Susie. He told her about their plans for Laurie’s funeral, and all about the fragrant bouquets of flowers her friends back home in Minnesota, from childhood to college, had sent. It was weird to think of herself as dead, and to realize that all her friends back home thought so, too.
Good Lord! How was she going to straighten out this mess? The longer she waited, the more people were involved. This was getting far too complicated.
“Aunt Martha is heartbroken,” Jass was saying. “But, at least, her son Carl came home from Florida, so she isn’t alone.”
“I’m sorry. She’s so old to have to go through this. I’ll call her and go see her as soon as I get back to Minnesota.”
There was only silence on the phone. Then, “How touching.”
She gasped in shock at his sarcastic tone, and replied in quick anger. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You never go to see her!”
How could he say such a thing! “I love Aunt Martha!”
She could hear his tired sigh over the wire. “Of course you do. Look, I’m late for a meeting. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Sometime in the night, when she lay awake in the dark, trying to deal with her guilt, shame and self-pity, the thought formed. Everyone thinks that Laurie is dead. Let her stay that way.
That thought was born of cowardice. She couldn’t face Jass’s anger when she told him that she had cost him his wife and the mother of his little daughter.
In the dark hospital room, with its antiseptic smells and hushed tones, the idea of taking LaRae’s place made sense. She and LaRae had always been able to fool people. She could still do it if she put her mind to it. She smiled in the dark. Wesley had been her lover and she’d even fooled him, hadn’t she?
Why not? Jass had accepted her as his wife when he came to the hospital. She felt sure that he’d never doubted it for a minute. It wasn’t as though she was taking money that didn’t belong to her, since under her late father's will, should either sister die, the other inherited the dead sister's share of his wealth. So she would be doing her brother-in-law and niece no harm by switching places.
They’ll both be better off financially this way, than if all of LaRae’s share of our father's money reverted to me as Father decreed. Jass will still have a loving wife, even if I am only a stand-in, and I’ll be a good mother to little Susie.
Excitement, fear, and terror took turns filling her mind over the next hours. She wavered back and forth. One minute she wanted to call Jass and tell him to return at once because she had to talk to him. The next minute she believed that taking LaRae’s place as wife and mother was the right thing to do. If he ever learned the truth, he would hate her more for fooling him.
On the other hand, was it possible for him to treat her worse than the cold way he already had? She knew the answer was yes. He might throw her out entirely.
Once she even dialed his house, but something seemed to hold her back. She remembered his cold face and hateful words and hung up before anyone could answer. She shuddered. He was right, she was to blame, and the least she could do was try to make it up to him. Since she already loved Susie, being her mother would be a pleasure. She’d have her own home and family. She would pretend Jass was the Mr. Right she’d been looking for, the answer to her dreams.
Several times she dreamed of Jass, of living back in Minnesota with him, eating breakfast across the table from him, kissing him. When she awoke, she remembered LaRae, and dissolved into tears, suffering pangs of guilt for daring to think of claiming the husband and daughter who weren’t hers.
Once she dreamed that they were making love. His lips kissed hers, then her throat, then trailed down to her bare breast. His hands slid down her arms, pushing aside her clothes, to give him greater access to her. Her nipples grew taut with desire, and he gave them the attention they wanted. She called out his name, wanting him to give her more, give her all of him.
Perspiring, she awoke.
She found herself in the dimly lit hospital room, with Mary standing over her bed, holding out another little paper cup with pain pills.
“Here, dear, take these. They’ll help you quiet down. You’ve been moaning. That’s it. Wash them down with this.” Mary handed her the glass of water, then took the empty glass and went over to fuss over her room-mate. Giving Laurie a sympathetic glance, she l
eft.
Laurie did her best to get back to sleep, her mind in a turmoil of guilt and desire. It had been only a dream. What a letdown.
Remembering the eroticism of her dream, Laurie scolded herself for thinking about sex with Jass even in her sleep. LaRae was dead and Jass had been her husband. It was awful of her to dream about making love with Jass. Besides, she hardly knew the man! In spite of that, she felt tingly at the memory of her vivid dream. Remembering LaRae and Susie, she began to cry again.
She buried her face in her pillow to keep her sobs from waking her roommate or bringing Mary back to check on her. Poor little Susie. She was too young to cope with life without a mother. Yes, her idea of taking LaRae’s place had merit, crazy as it was.
The next evening, Jass called again, still pleading pressing business as his excuse for remaining in Minnesota.
“How’s Susie?” she asked. Her voice still sounded ragged, half from the injury, half from nervousness. It was a good thing that her and LaRae’s voices had always been identical as well as their looks. People had never been able to tell them apart on the phone.
“Susie’s fine. She loves kindergarten. I’m glad, since that gives Diane a break. I haven’t been home much lately to help out.”
Diane? Who was Diane? Oh, yes, the nanny. “That’s good.” Oh, God, could she really carry this off? What if she goofed and called someone by the wrong name?
“I’m being discharged tomorrow, Jass,” she told him.
“Do you want me to fly out to come home with you?”
“Of course not,” she said indignantly, but was pleased at his offer. At last, some sign that he cared about her! “I’m well enough to take care of myself. I’ve flown alone many times.”
“I know.”
“But I will have to come back here after the funeral for a couple of weeks to close out Laurie’s apartment and all that.”
“Yes, I suppose it will take time to do all that. I did what I could, identified her and took care of the death certificate. I got her insurance card from her purse and filled out the insurance papers for the ambulance and hospital bills. Yours, too, so you don’t have to worry about those. And I filled out a forwarding address to our house for any of her bills that come in later, LaRae.”
“Thanks, Jass. You’re so thoughtful.”
There was a stiff silence at her comment, and she wondered if he thought she was being sarcastic instead of complimentary. At last he continued. “By the way I put a copy of Laurie’s death certificate in your purse. I suppose you’ll need it to close out her stuff at the bank.”
Laurie drew a sharp breath at that. Good Lord, she was really legally dead! Weird! The thought sent panic streaking through her. Would she get in trouble for doing this if anyone found out? She hadn’t done it, of course, since others had made the judgment about who was who after the accident. But she hadn’t tried to correct anyone either, so wouldn’t she still be blamed? She pulled her thoughts back to what Jass was saying.
“I thought you’d rather do stuff like go through her accounts, pay her bills, and clean out her apartment.”
She tightened her grip on the telephone, a surge of dismay going through her at the idea of actually closing off her life here in San Francisco. “Yes, of course. I’ll worry about all that later.”
“By the way, LaRae, didn’t they return your purse?”
“Yes,” she said, puzzled. Mary had shown her LaRae’s purse in the closet, asking if she wanted to use any of the make-up. She’d been given LaRae’s wristwatch the first day when she’d asked for the time. “Why do you ask?”
“Your wedding rings were in it. I checked, since the police said you weren’t wearing them. But I suppose you didn’t want them to put off any handsome hunks you met while you went out to party with the single girls, eh?”
The bitter note of disappointment and resignation in his voice tore at her heart. She wanted to put her arms around him and reassure him that she would always be there for him and Susie. But of course, she couldn’t. They were only talking on the phone, and she didn’t know what had gone on between him and LaRae to cause him such pain.
What could she say without giving it all away? She could tell him the truth about why LaRae had taken off her rings, but he didn’t sound like he was in the mood to believe her anyway. Who would believe two grown women acting out a silly game from their childhood?
When she hesitated, he went on, “Never mind. Are you sure you can manage your luggage all right with your arm in that cast?”
“Yes, of course. I’ll go right from the hospital to the airport. I’ll get some help. There are always porters around, and the cabbie as well.” She gave him her flight number and time of arrival.
“All right then. I’ll meet you. Take care. Don’t overdo.”
“I won’t, Jass.”
“You still have your credit cards for the plane ticket and cash for the taxi? They’re not maxed out, or anything?”
Maxed out? LaRae had used that phrase too. Had LaRae been in the habit of overspending? Was that the source of the trouble between them that LaRae had alluded to? What was she getting into?
“Yes, I have them. And no, they aren’t maxed out,” she answered. Besides, she had her own money and credit cards. They weren’t canceled yet, and she doubted the credit card companies had heard of her supposed death.
“Well, all right, then. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at the airport.”
“You’re sure Susie’s all right? She didn’t miss me too much?”
Jass laughed wryly. “Of course not, LaRae.”
She swallowed hard, confused. Why was there disgust in his tone? “Tell her I’ll see her tomorrow. Bye then, Jass. I love you.” There, she’d said it to him just as she imagined LaRae would have. It felt so odd to be saying that as though she had the right!
“Sure. Bye.” Again he hadn’t said the words, ‘I love you.’ Disappointed and vaguely worried, she hung up the phone.
The next day at noon, Laurie, as LaRae, boarded a plane back to Minneapolis.
Stop thinking of yourself as Laurie. You are now LaRae. Don’t forget it. If you do, you’re going to screw up!
Thanking the stewardess for stowing her carry-on luggage, she settled into the seat next to the window.
Earlier, she had made a quick stop at her apartment and picked up the letters and pictures LaRae had sent her over the years. Now she took them from her purse and studied the pictures, trying to memorize names and faces. She wished fervently that she and LaRae had talked more, and that she’d paid more attention to what LaRae had told her.
Then she re-read all of LaRae’s letters for references to people LaRae knew. She was sure that many of them would call or come to visit to offer condolences, and she would be expected to carry on a conversation with them. Just the thought of dealing with it all made her shiver with apprehension.
She’d decided to use memory loss from the shock of her accident as her excuse for mistakes in identifying people. She would play up being forgetful, and thus try to cover herself until she learned the many details that she, as LaRae, would be expected to know.
There would be so many chances to foul up. She would have to talk as little as possible and listen a lot, which certainly wasn’t either her or LaRae’s natural style of behavior.
The older man seated next to her tried to start a conversation, but Laurie only replied in monosyllables until he gave up. The stewardess brought a meal, and Laurie managed to get most of it down. Her stomach felt tied in knots. She kept thinking of meeting Jass and Susie as LaRae. What if she goofed? What if she’d burned all her bridges in California, only to be faced with rejection in Minnesota? What if Jass saw through her immediately?
Now, with a stomach full of butterflies, here Laurie was, ready to start a new life as LaRae. Tears filled her eyes as she thought of her dead sister. She had to put aside her grief for the moment, she told herself, and concentrate on Jass and Susie. They must come first in her life now. She would
remember the good times with LaRae. She closed her eyes and lay back in her seat.
She had to plan ahead. Whatever had possessed her to try this deception? It had to be the stupidest mistake of her twenty-eight years. Dumb, dumb, dumb. She’d never pull it off. The churning in her stomach was proof of that.
But if she couldn’t, how was she going to tell Jass the truth and straighten this mess out? And when? She couldn’t just blurt it out in public. He was going to be devastated. In the meantime, she had to keep up the pretense. Until she could find a good time to tell him.
The intercom popped and came alive over her head as the pilot announced their descent for landing in Minneapolis. She sat up, nervously twisting her wedding rings. They were a bit loose, but that could be explained by a little weight loss, providing Jass noticed.
She got out her compact mirror and checked her hair and make-up, ignoring the interested look of the older man in the next seat. Her hair and nails needed doing, making her feel self-conscious about her appearance. As a model, she’d paid a lot of attention to those details. Her face had not completely healed, although the scar was less noticeable and the bruises had faded to yellowish remnants that she’d been able to cover pretty well with make-up. Her right arm was almost useless since all but her fingers were covered by the cast. She adjusted the blue canvas sling, trying to make it more comfortable.
The stewardess came to retrieve her carry-on. In spite of the way she’d ignored him earlier, the older man politely stood back to allow her to precede him down the aisle. She rewarded him with a smile and managed to get both carry-on and purse in one hand, and stepped off the plane. She hurried down the chute, her footsteps echoing as hollowly as her stomach felt.
“Over here, LaRae,” Jass called as she emerged from the gate. He stepped forward and pulled her out of the flow of off-loading passengers, then leaned over to give her a quick kiss. “Hello.”