Vivienne opened her mouth, but she didn’t seem to have anything more to say than Pepper did, so she just leaned over and pressed her lips to Pepper’s cheek. After a few seconds, she did speak. “I’m here for you. Whatever you do, whatever you need, I’m here.”
It was exactly what Pepper wanted to hear. She couldn’t have known that, but somehow the words lifted her up and she felt able to shake her shoulders and straighten her back. “Thanks, Viv.”
“Coffee?” Will asked, still just a few feet away with the babbling infant. “Alcohol?”
Pepper smiled sadly. “Coffee. Strong.”
“Where is Gabe now?” Vivienne asked.
“He went out for a drive. Or that’s what the note he left said. I tried calling and texting, but he’s not answering. I left him a note that I’d be here if he gets home before I do.”
Will handed Jane to her so he could get the coffee. Trying to ignore the mental devastation and sour ball of bile lodged in her throat, Pepper planted noisy kisses on the baby’s cheeks and then snuggled her close. Kittens and babies, I don’t know what it is about ‘em. “That’s my girl.” As she arranged Jane comfortably into the crook of her arm, Pepper finally raised her red, puffy eyes to Vivienne.
“Thanks. I’m so sorry I did that to you, but–”
“Don’t say another word about it.” Vivienne shook her head and waived her hands. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Well, it was kind of a shitty way to tell you. I guess I was in shock. Am in shock. The last thing in the world I expected to hear today was the word cancer.” Pepper’s bottom lip trembled every time she was forced to utter the evil term.
“Tell me everything the doctor said.”
Pepper drew in a deep breath. “That’s the thing. I can’t remember exactly. I just shut down when I heard that fucking word. I do know she said pancreatic.” Her bottom lip began to tremble again and she bit down on it hard. “I heard stage four.”
“Oh, no,” Vivienne gasped.
Pepper turned her eyes back to Jane, understanding for the first time that she had essentially abandoned Gabe since hearing the diagnosis. He was supposed to be the one in shock, breaking down, falling apart. Not her. He was the one that needed support and someone to be a clear head. I’m such an asshole.
Will brought in two steaming cups of coffee and set them on the table. He trotted away and returned with sugar, cream, and a third cup for himself. “You don’t mind if I stay, do ya?”
Pepper shook her head. “No, of course not. You both are the best friends we have.” She felt the familiar ache in her chest right before she would start crying again, and quickly shoved Jane at Vivienne. Once the baby was away and safe, Pepper broke down again and hung her head, clasping her hands against her forehead. Will kneeled down beside her and held on while she cried. Vivienne clutched Jane in one arm and squeezed Pepper’s shoulder with her free hand. Pepper swiped at the tears on her face, sniffing loudly.
“How long ago did Gabe leave? Do you know?” Will stood up and grabbed a clean burp cloth from a basket of laundry on the table, handing it to her.
Scrubbing at her face, Pepper inhaled deeply. It smelled fresh and sweet. “A couple of hours.”
Vivienne shot Will a worried glance. “Text him again.”
“Yeah,” Will agreed. “Just to keep him up to speed.”
Pepper nodded and pulled her phone out of her pocket.
At Viv’s. Home yet?
Then she tossed it onto the table where it clattered and bounced, face down.
“Look,” Will said. “I don’t know anything about cancer or what’s going to happen, but Gabe can fight this.”
“Yeah.” Pepper blew her nose loudly into the burp cloth. “Sorry.”
Viv chuckled. “Don’t worry about it. Jane does lots worse to those things. They wash.”
Pepper tried to laugh, but the feeling wasn’t there and she couldn’t force it.
“Will’s right. Gabe will fight. He’s strong.”
“He has to be. He’s with you, isn’t he?” Will teased. He put a cheesy grin on his face and elbowed her in the shoulder. “Am I right?”
Pepper only shrugged and managed a sad, defeated smile.
“If it makes you feel any better,” Will pulled his cell phone out of the front pocket of his jeans, “I’ll reach out to Gabe. Maybe I can go find him, meet him somewhere.”
Pepper nodded, unable to speak, not trusting herself to keep from crying. Self-loathing was not a feeling she was used to and it was making her feel like a criminal, guilty of murdering Gabe’s spirit.
“On it.”
Will pressed a quick kiss to Vivienne’s lips and another one on Pepper’s forehead, then headed out the door in search of Gabe.
Chapter 15
Gabe looked at his buzzing phone again, expecting to see another message from Pepper. He was surprised to see one from Will instead.
Where r u?
He sighed, trying to decide if he would respond or not. He really didn’t want to speak to anyone yet. He was still trying to get his head wrapped around the fact that he had cancer.
Sitting in his car along Pacific Coast Highway staring at the ocean, Gabe felt tears come to his eyes and was glad he was alone. Ashamed of himself, he wept for a long time as anger, disbelief and guilt ravaged his heart and mind. The longer the tears fell, the angrier he got. Pounding on the steering wheel, he howled with fury. Why him? Why now?
He was finally at a place in his life where things were good. There was no struggle, there was no worry. He had a thriving business, more money than he knew what to do with, and a beautiful fiancée who loved him more than he probably deserved. What had he done to deserve such a hideous diagnosis?
Eventually, the crying abated and Gabe mopped his face on the sleeve of his shirt. His phone reminded him that both Will and Pepper were looking for him and probably quite worried. He snatched the phone off the passenger seat and scrolled through the messages. His heart wanted Pepper, but his brain said a friend might be a better person to talk to until he got a real handle on himself.
He pressed the call button and Will answered on the first half ring.
“Yo. Where are you?”
Gabe smiled at the casual tone of the voice on the other end of the line. “I’m nowhere. Sitting and staring at the ocean, actually.”
“Well, let’s get a beer.”
“I think that’s a good idea.” Just saying the words out loud gave Gabe a small sense of relief.
“You know where the Drench is on Pico?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, I’ll see you there in a half hour.”
“Right.”
Gabe ended the call, but did not start the car right away. He didn’t know how much good pouring out his frustrations to Will would do, but he couldn’t face Pepper just yet. He had promised her so much and now he didn’t think any of it would happen. Cancer. He had cancer.
* * * * *
Will parked his car, hopped out and hit the lock button on his key fob, feeling apprehensive. He twirled the keys around his fingers to keep his hands busy. He wanted a cigarette, but had given them up for good when Vivienne got pregnant.
Drench wasn’t the best bar in the world – it was a dive actually – but he didn’t think Gabe needed a classy, fancy joint at the moment. Plus, it was known for its wide variety of beers, having a little something for everyone. Will glanced around, but didn’t see him. He leaned against the side of his SUV and waited. Gabe’s Land Rover entered from the street about ten minutes later and parked near the back. Will waited for him to come to him, unsure of how the rest of the evening was going to go. He had no clue what he was going to say to the guy. They had gotten to be pretty good friends over the last couple of years, but still. The dude had just been diagnosed with cancer. What the hell did you say to someone when that happened? Will figured he would just listen and be as supportive as possible. He’d follow his gut and hope it was what Gabe needed.
&nbs
p; “Hey.”
Gabe approached him looking exhausted and scared.
“Hey.”
Without another word, they went inside and grabbed a couple of empty stools at the far end of the battered bar. It wasn’t all that busy for a Thursday night and the bartender arrived almost immediately to take their order.
“‘Evenin’ gents. I’m Sorcha. What’ll you take?” She had a Scottish burr that was thick and friendly. Her hair was an orangey red and was piled high up on her head in a messy, mop of curls.
“Guinness,” from Gabe.
“Same.” Will nodded.
The bartender cocked her head to the side. “Where you from, handsome?” She winked and smiled at Gabe. He didn’t return the warmth.
“Durham.”
“Aye, welcome. It’s not often I hear an accent such as yours in here.”
Sorcha left them to get their drinks and then returned with a sassy smile as she set them on the bar. “Let me know when you need another.”
Will tipped his head to her and then focused on his beer. They sat silently sipping their drinks and he didn’t know how long it would be before Gabe finally opened up. Just when he thought he might try to get the ball rolling, he didn’t have to.
“What a pile of shit, yeah?”
Will nodded his head and then shook it. “You couldn’t have said it better, dude. I am so sorry.”
Gabe waved his hand and then ran it through his hair. “I am in shock. And I don’t know how to get my head around it.”
“Hell, you just found out a few hours ago. It’s probably gonna be days before you fully grasp it.” Will kept his eyes on his glass. He could tell Gabe was on edge by the way his hands trembled and his body twitched with anxiety. He didn’t want to make it any worse by staring at the guy.
“I suppose.”
“Look, you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. Just drink. I’m here for you. Get shit-faced if you want and I’ll drive you home.”
Gabe snorted and took a small sip of his beer. “That’d be the easy way out.”
“Maybe,” Will shrugged, “but you do what you gotta do.”
The conversation veered away from cancer and diagnoses as Gabe questioned Will about the baby and Vivienne. He answered every one of them, watching as his friend’s body language reflected how much anxiety was present. Gabe’s hands never stopped moving. They circled his beer glass, twisting it around and around. His left leg bounced at a fast pace. He slouched down on his bar stool, but straightened himself up and around as though he were trying to work out a kink in his back every few minutes. Will didn’t care how long it took, he’d wait Gabe out, even if his inner thoughts and feelings didn’t come out that particular night.
When the conversation finally died, Will figured it was time to say something. “Dude,” he began, “I can’t even tell you what to do or feel. I don’t even know what I’d do. But I think maybe if you go into fight mode right off the bat, it could help. Don’t even give yourself a chance to be scared or sad. Just get pissed off and stay that way. Full on warrior mode.”
Gabe didn’t respond or look at him. Will was beginning to think he’d fucked up big time until Gabe began to nod. Then he gave just the smallest laugh.
“Full on? Not just half assed?”
Will laughed and slapped him on the back. “Yeah. Go big or go home.”
Chapter 16
Pepper checked her phone at least a dozen times, even though Will and Viv only lived a couple of miles away and the drive was short. Gabe still had not responded to any of her texts. When she pulled up into the driveway, his car was still gone and she felt her heart sink. As she parked and got out, she sent him one last message before going into the house.
Home now. Please come back soon.
“Hey guys,” she called to the kittens as she came through the front door. The three of them immediately began mewing at her and she was surprised to feel glad that at least someone was here to welcome her. She unlocked the gate to set them free, then padded off to the kitchen. Smudge followed her, and Wolfie and Crank darted off to explore.
Pepper grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge and poured herself a very large glass. Standing at the kitchen counter, she sipped it slowly at first and then found herself gulping it down to try and drown the fear and anxiety that had taken up residence in her gut. When the glass was empty, she refilled it but forced herself to sip slowly. She watched the kittens romp around, hoping Gabe would be back soon, wondering where he could be, whether or not Will had been able to catch up with him.
Pepper was pretty pissed at herself for having turned into a silly pile of goo, first in the shower and then at Viv’s. She knew she had every right to be upset, but she couldn’t remember a time in her life when she’d ever been that out of control. It wasn’t like her. It didn’t fit the Pepper profile.
“I have got to get my shit together,” she said to Wolfie, who had found his way into the kitchen and was rubbing against her leg. She reached down and plucked him off the ground. Holding him up to her face, she rubbed her nose gently against his. “I’m a tough bitch. I need to be strong for Gabe.”
Wolfie eked out a little bit of a purr, then struggled to get down. She released him and he skittered away, looking for one of his brothers to play with. Taking her wine along, Pepper went to the sofa to wait for Gabe to come home.
As she sat there, staring off into space, Pepper felt a deep and powerful urge to curse God. She didn’t have any religious or spiritual background to speak of, having been raised in an agnostic home that bordered on atheism. She’d never been to church as a child and any kind of higher power was never discussed, but she’d probably believed in one all these years even if she never thought about it that much. Sure, she used all the usual euphemisms: god dammit, for god’s sake, for the love of god. But she’d never really bothered to think long and hard if she believed there really was some omnipotent being up in the sky somewhere.
Now, though, she wanted to throat punch whatever force in the universe saw fit to bestow such an insidious disease on her guy. “What a bunch of horse shit,” she spat, giving Crank a bit of a spook. He hissed at her and ran off to smack Wolfie in the head as revenge.
As the level of wine in her glass went down, the rage in her heart went up. Gabe was the kindest, most loving man Pepper had ever had the good fortune to meet. Assholes and douche bags ran amok in the world, but whatever higher power existed chose Gabe. It was all just a load of crap in her mind. There couldn’t possibly be a kind and benevolent God up there.
* * * * *
“Darling, wake up.”
Pepper’s eyes fluttered open. She was curled up on the couch with one kitten snuggled against her stomach, one behind her knees, and the other at her feet. “Are you okay?” she mumbled, trying to sit up.
“Yes, I’m fine. Don’t move.”
Gabe carefully redistributed the felines so he could sit on the couch and pull Pepper’s feet onto his lap. He kneaded them and leaned his head back. The smell of ale wafted into her nose.
“Where did you go?”
“Nowhere, really.” Gabe smiled at her, but his eyes looked dark and sad. Pepper’s heart hurt to see him so bleak. “I just drove around, thinking about things. And then Will found me.”
“Tell me.”
Not caring if she disturbed the sleeping kittens, Pepper sat up. She put them beside one another in the little corner space between them, where they yawned and stretched and then fell back to sleep. Pepper reached to put her hand on the back of Gabe’s neck and she massaged the hardened muscles.
“I’m pretty damn sorry I didn’t go to the doctor now.”
Pepper swallowed a gasp. “You couldn’t have known.”
“No.” Gabe sighed and rubbed his face, pinching his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “I’ve spent the last several hours feeling sorry for myself. And for you. And for our future together. But I did come to a few conclusions.”
Pepper stared at
him and nodded, too afraid to speak. Too scared to hear what he was about to say, but knowing she had to listen no matter what. It was her job now to be strong and supportive.
“I’m going to fight this thing. I won’t give up.”
The breath she was holding whooshed out so fast, she couldn’t have stopped it if she wanted to. “I’m very glad to hear that.”
“We’ve only just found one another.”
“Well, not just.” Pepper was able to give him a teasing grin.
Gabe chuckled but there was little humor in it. “Well, it’s only a drop in the bucket for the years I had planned on spending with you. And I won’t be cheated out of those years. Cancer does not have to be terminal. I refuse to allow this diagnosis to turn into a death sentence. I’ve made more money than I’ve known what to do with these last few years, but now I know precisely how to spend it. There are new drugs, new treatments and I will try every single one of them if it means I get to spend an extra minute with you, my love.”
That did it. Pepper couldn’t have held up against that kind of sentiment. She burst into tears and crawled over the pile of cats to settle squarely in his lap. She pressed her lips to his over and over, swearing her love and devotion to him.
“I won’t give up, Pepper,” he answered. “You mean entirely too much to me.”
“I won’t let you give up,” Pepper promised. “We’ll fight this together.”
Chapter 17
Aiden did not take the news very well when Gabe told him the day after the initial diagnosis. It looked as if despair and fear might consume him, but Pepper nipped that in the bud, wishing someone had been able to do that for her. “This isn’t about you. It’s about Gabe. Your job is now to help us fight. Keep us organized. Get us on a schedule and keep us there.”
Aiden didn’t have to be told twice. Within hours of getting the news, he had calendars set up, appointments made, and meetings scheduled within the company so that delegation of duties could begin and be smoothly executed. Pepper felt less overwhelmed knowing that Aiden would be helping her to coordinate the very best care Gabe could get.
The Widow and the Orphan Page 8