The Widow and the Orphan

by J. Thomas-Like

  “I guess. God damn this sucks. I mean, what am I supposed to do?”

  Pepper could feel herself start to break down, but tightened the reigns as best she could. She chewed on the inside of her cheek. She scrunched her toes up inside her shoes. She dug her fingernails into her palms. Anything to keep control of the crazy tempest of anger and desperation storming in her brain.

  “I know you’re scared, Pepper,” Vivienne murmured. “You know you can talk to me. I’ll always be here. Or maybe you should think about seeing someone yourself? A counselor?”

  Pepper shook her head. “No. I don’t think so. I kind of already did that.”

  Vivienne looked shocked and leaned forward. “When was this?”

  “I went to the chapel at the hospital and there was a pastor there. I pretty much gave him the what for about what I thought he could do with his god and religion.”

  Vivienne tried not to laugh, but she just couldn’t hold it in. “Oh, Pepper. That’s just so… you!” Then she snorted and the laughter really took hold. “Anyone else on this planet couldn’t get away with the things you do!”

  Pepper rolled her eyes. “Yeah, that’s me. Over the top. Anyway, once I got done unloading on him, he actually talked to me for a long time. I still don’t know if I believe in God or not, but I definitely understand now why some people do.”

  * * * * *

  “Can I get you anything?”

  Later that night, Pepper stood in the doorway to the bathroom as Gabe settled into the jetted tub for a soak. Since he’d gotten home from the hospital, it seemed he could never get warm enough. The only time he felt comfortable was when he was in a hot bath.

  “No thank you.”

  She waited until he was submerged to his neck and then went to check on Gavin. The kid was asleep with his bedside lamp still on as well as the television. She turned both off, tucked the blankets around him a little more snugly, then exited the room, making sure not to close the door tightly in case Crank wanted to join him.

  Pepper thought about going downstairs to get a glass of wine, but she’d been doing a little too much of that lately, and thought maybe it was time to back off on the alcohol a bit. She saw the slippery slope of numbing her feelings and did not want to go down that road. She wandered back to the bedroom instead.

  Pepper climbed onto the bed and grabbed the remote control for the TV. She turned it on and scanned through the channels, but wasn’t really paying attention to any of the shows that flicked by, screen after screen. She knew she was going to have to have a serious conversation with Gabe about the future, but couldn’t figure out when or how to start. The only time Gavin wasn’t around was when he was asleep in bed at night. But by then, Gabe was exhausted from the day and was in no position to make any decisions or have clear thoughts about anything important. The only answer seemed to be to arrange for a babysitter so that she and Gabe could have some time to themselves. Vetting one through an agency would take more time than Pepper was willing to spend. She wished she knew a neighborhood teenage girl who could do it, but they didn’t seem to exist anymore. The younger variety of female in her neighborhood seemed more interested in their iPhones, shopping with their parents’ money, and boys.

  Then the idea lit up in her mind like a light bulb. Aiden! Pepper remembered how Gavin had responded to Aiden and thought he would be the perfect person to take the kid for a couple of hours so that she and Gabe could have the “come to Jesus” moment they needed.

  Vowing to call him to arrange it the next day, she was brought out of her own head by the appearance of Gabe at the bedside. He was wrapped in his white, fluffy, terrycloth bathrobe and smiling at her. “Make room for me?”

  Pepper grinned and scooted over so he could climb into bed beside her. “You can have the warm spot.”

  Gabe snuggled beneath the covers and laid his head on her lap. “Thank you.”

  “That was a pretty short bath. Are you okay?” She stroked his back and played with the hair at his temple. Of all the terrible side effects of the chemo, he had not lost a strand of his thick, wavy hair. Pepper wasn’t sure, but she thought he might have been glad. Except for the weight loss, he still looked much like himself. He said it was a reminder that he could still pretend to be normal, even if he wasn’t.

  “Aces, love. Just didn’t feel like pruning up tonight.”

  Pepper debated whether or not to tell him about her plan for enlisting Aiden as a babysitter, and then finally decided it was better to do it. The last thing she wanted was to start the conversation off on a bad note.

  “Gabe?”

  “Hmm?”

  “I was thinking we could ask Aiden to babysit so we could maybe have some time to ourselves?”

  “Hmm.” Gabe nuzzled her stomach. “Tired of motherhood already?”

  Pepper smirked and pulled his hair a little.

  “Ow!”

  “You deserved that. No, I’m not tired of Gavin. There are some things I think we should talk about and I don’t want him around for that. Don’t you agree?”

  Gabe leaned up on his elbow and looked at her. She tried to not look scared, but Pepper knew it was useless. She pretty much looked petrified all the time now.

  “You’re right. I think Aiden is the perfect choice.”

  “Think he’ll do it?” Pepper didn’t want to let out a huge sigh of relief because that would only upset Gabe to know how nervous she had been.

  “Come now, he’ll do anything for us. You should know that by now.”

  Pepper nodded and put her fingers back through his hair as he laid back down in her lap. “I know. One of these days he’s going to tell us to get bent.”

  Gabe snorted. “Unlikely. He’s a glutton for punishment.”

  Pepper wished she could feel more relieved than she did, but the actual conversation would be a lot harder than just getting Gabe to agree to have it.

  Chapter 47

  Aiden arrived promptly at noon to take Gavin to the waterpark. Promising not to have him home before six, the two hopped into Aiden’s Prius and zoomed off for the afternoon. I wonder if a Lexus would be too much of a gift? Pepper remembered her promise to do something crazy for Aiden.

  Pepper and Gabe watched them go, then went back inside. Before she could say a word, he started the ball rolling. Sort of. “Well, love, where shall we have ‘the talk’? Out on the patio?” Gabe sounded a lot like his old self, even if he didn’t look it.

  “I know you aren’t hungry, but you really should eat something. Can I make some soup?”

  Gabe’s nod was more than a little reluctant. Pepper didn’t let him change his mind and was in the kitchen in a hot minute warming up some leftover soup Vivienne had brought over. Making sure to grab lots of crackers, she carried a tray out to the patio where he waited. He had chosen to sit on the chaise, his long legs stretched out before him. Pepper put the tray on his lap and then sat near his feet so she could watch him eat.

  Gabe took the tray and put it on the ground. “I’m not ready yet. Let’s have a chat first, yeah?”

  “All right.”

  Gabe sighed and then reached for Pepper’s hands. He squeezed them tightly in his own and then leaned over to kiss the tops of them both. “I love you.”

  “You suck!” Pepper sniffled. “You had to go in for the kill right away? You couldn’t have toyed with me first?” She pulled a hand away to swipe at the tears already spilling onto her cheeks.

  Gabe chuckled. “I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know that I love you.”

  “Have I ever doubted it?”

  “No, of course not, shame on me.”

  “Yes. Shame on you.” Pepper stuck her tongue out and Gabe laughed.

  “I don’t want you to worry about a thing. I’ve already had my will drawn up. Some provisions were made for certain charities and I am leaving Aiden a tidy sum. But most everything has been left to you. “

  Pepper’s jaw dropped and she gaped like a mackerel. “Why? Why would you have do
ne that?”

  Gabe raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? You’re my wife. Who else would I leave it to?”

  “But Gavin–”

  “Darling, I had the papers drawn up before I knew about my son. I am having some changes made to include him and to set up a trust fund.” Gabe cocked his head to the side. “That is all right, isn’t it?”

  “You nitwit, why the hell would you ask me that? You should leave all of it to him.”

  “Bollocks. You’re my wife. Of course I would provide for you. You’re being totally silly about this.”

  Pepper pursed her lips at him. “I am not. I just, I mean, it’s too much. I didn’t think, or, what I’m trying to say–”

  Gabe gave her a wink. “I know you didn’t marry me for my money, dear.”

  Pepper pulled her hands free to playfully slap at his. “You’re being a butt. This is not how I imagined this conversation going.”

  There was merriment on his face now and he was clearly enjoying himself, to Pepper’s chagrin. “I can only guess what you thought would happen. Tears and bemoaning the fates. Much boo-hooing and both of us wrapping cement blocks around our necks and then jumping into the pool, yeah?”

  “No!” Pepper looked aghast. That was a lot like how she’d pictured things, well, except for the suicide part.

  “There’s no need to be maudlin about this, Pepper.” Gabe sat up a little straighter. “We were given the bad news in October. We knew then the chances of coming out alive were extremely slim. I’ve processed it. Continue to process it every minute of every day. While I’m certainly not happy about dying, the fact of the matter is, I am going to. Quite soon, in fact. The only thing I can do now is spend as much time with you and Gavin as I can. I refuse to be sad and mopey. I am making the conscious choice to avoid that behavior.”

  Pepper rocked backwards a little, blown away by his words and demeanor. It was just more proof to her that she had married the kindest and most loving, wonderful man on the planet. Who else in this situation could go through and look at it with such grace and dignity? She didn’t know anyone. She owed it to Gabe to be the same way. It didn’t matter how scared or angry or sad she felt, she was going to project the same positivity and calm that he did. Even if she had to scream into a pillow, in the car, in the garage for a half hour every night. He deserved nothing less.

  “What else did you want to discuss?” Gabe asked, his left eyebrow raised.

  Pepper was about to shrug and say that that was it because it didn’t feel right asking for anything more. He was already taking things into his own hands and deciding how to face the future. She wasn’t sure if she had the right to ask him to do it in a certain way.

  “Spit it out, love. I can see the hamster wearing out the wheel in your head.”

  She smirked and flipped him off. “Okay,” Pepper started, “it’s the dying at home thing.”

  Gabe held up a hand to stop her. “Yes, I knew we’d get around to that. I’m sorry I even brought it up but I was still in the hospital then and my knickers were right scared off. I realize that dying at home is not a possibility, in light of Gavin being here. He needs to feel safe and comfortable. If I died here, I don’t know how that would traumatize him. He’s suffered enough.”

  Pepper felt like she’d won the emotional lottery. One of the knots in her back unloosed itself and it seemed like she could breathe again. Another one of the twists in her stomach disappeared and the smell of the soup from the tray wafted into her nose. She actually thought she might feel hungry again someday.

  “Shall we go on to the funeral arrangements or have we had enough for one day?”

  Pepper laughed and clapped her hands together in her lap. “Might as well lay all the cards out on the table. Then once it’s done, it’s done. We don’t have to discuss it again.” She brought up her hands and waved them at herself. “Bring it. Gimme whatcha got.”

  Gabe hesitated, then shook his head. “I was going to feed you a whole line of shite about how I wanted a traditional British funeral and a video display as well as a marching band at the service, but I think I’ve given you enough of a shock for one day. In all honesty, I just want something small and simple. Under no circumstance is there to be any public funeral at all. Is that clear?”

  Pepper nodded and crossed her heart with her index finger. “I swear it. Do you want it in the paper?”

  “Well, I hardly think we can avoid that. I’ll prepare a statement myself that you can provide to the news outlets. Aiden will make all the necessary phone calls when the deed is done.”

  “Oh no! He’s already done so much!”

  “Would you rather do it, love?”

  Pepper shivered. “No. But I will. It isn’t fair to Aiden.”

  Gabe waved a hand indicating his indifference. “I won’t argue with you. I’ll be dead and not concerned. I only hope you know that Aiden loves you as much as he loves me. He will always want to help and support. If that means calling on him to do something you can’t bring yourself to do, don’t hesitate. That would right piss him off more than not being asked to do something in the first place.”

  “I understand.” Pepper would just have to play it by ear. She couldn’t really judge what was going to happen once Gabe did die. She might turn into a molten pile of goo right there when it happened. She had no way of knowing.

  “Why do you even want a funeral?” Pepper couldn’t help asking. Maybe she didn’t have the right, but since religion and church and all of that hadn’t been on the radar since they met, her curiosity demanded to be fed like a cat who wanted the catnip.

  “It’s really just for Gavin so he can pay his respects. He was brought up in a way that included funerals as an ordinary thing. He might feel odd if he doesn’t get to say what he thinks is a proper goodbye to me.”

  It made sense to Pepper. Gabe hadn’t made any huge shift in belief just because he got cancer. He was thinking about his son.

  “He told me about his mother’s funeral, you know.” Gabe closed his eyes and rubbed his fingers over them. “I’ll not burden you with the details. Suffice it to say, he was very confused by the conversations he was privy to. I’ll not have any of that when I’m gone.”

  “Absolutely not.” Pepper really wanted to know what all that was about, but it was clear Gabe wasn’t sharing. Maybe someday Gavin would tell her himself. “Should I use the minister who married us?”

  “Perfect. Just a short service with a couple of prayers I’ll choose. Let people speak if they want, but the faster the better.”

  “Cremation or burial?”

  “Oh, burn me to a crisp, love. I wouldn’t want to take up any valuable real estate that could be better used for golf courses or condos.”

  Gabe laughed and the sound was comforting to Pepper. She hadn’t heard a real laugh from him in weeks. He really has taken control of this. “Any particular place you’d like to be sprinkled?”

  Gabe put a finger to his temple and thought for a moment. “No. I’ll leave that to you. You can keep me and tote me around as you grow old or you can toss me into the rubbish. Whatever you choose will be fine.”

  “Is that it?” she asked.

  “Have we covered everything?” he asked.

  They laughed again, the sound of their humor mingling together in a familiar way.

  But when the sound of it drifted off on the breeze and they were left alone just staring at each other, suddenly it all wasn’t so funny anymore. The familiar pressure on her chest returned and Pepper found she couldn’t take a deep breath anymore. Yes, they had laughed their way through making Gabe’s funeral arrangements, but it was about the most humorless subject she could think of.

  “Oh, Gabe. I’m going to miss you.”

  Bottom lip trembling, Pepper launched herself into his arms so she could hide her face against his chest. She hadn’t let him see her really cry in quite a long time and she didn’t want to start now, especially after they had managed to clear the air in such a positive way.


  “I shall miss you too, my darling, sweet girl. You have been the very best thing that has ever happened to me.”

  They rocked back and forth like that for a long time before Pepper was able to pull away to swipe at her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be, love.” Gabe took his thumb and wiped away the remaining tears. “Though I hate to see you cry, you’re the most beautiful creature on the planet just now.”

  Pepper felt her cheeks grow hot and was surprised she would blush when he’d said the same thing to her a million times. It was then she recognized the look in his eyes and the warmth in her cheeks spread down her neck and even lower than that.

  “Come to me.” Gabe held out his arms and Pepper gladly crawled back into them. Intent on only enjoying the feel of his arms on her body, she was pleasantly surprised when his hands began to explore, touching and stroking her most intimate places. Making love had all but gone to the wayside, but he seemed perfectly normal in this moment and Pepper wasn’t about to waste it. She leaned her head back to receive his mouth for a sweet and tender kiss, which bloomed into a passionate clutch. When Gabe began fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, Pepper couldn’t have been happier or sadder. She knew it was most likely the last time the two of them would ever make love.

  Chapter 48

  Gabe rallied for a few days after their discussion of his final wishes. He chalked it up to the sex and Pepper laughed along with him at the joke. She didn’t care why it happened. They reveled in his moments of strength, making love twice more. They had a final meal out in a restaurant, just the two of them, even though Gabe barely touched his food. Will and Viv brought Jane over for what would probably be the final day they would all share together as the little family unit they had created. There were no tears in those few days, only laughter and joy. Lots of stories repeated for the benefit of Gavin and some special memories that would have to last the rest of their lives.

  Father and son spent every moment they could together, even if Natalie the tutor was there. Gabe refused to interrupt the home-schooling, so dedicated was he to his son’s education. Pepper would have expected the kid to get a little bit bored with all the conversation and little physical action. Gabe could soak in the hot tub, but not play with Gavin anymore. They watched a lot of TV and played video games on the Xbox Gabe had insisted on getting. Gavin didn’t seem to care. It was like the attention he was getting from Gabe and Pepper was enough.