Fight or Fall

by Anne Leigh

  When the chocolate soufflé and crème brulee arrived at our table, Bee asked Ava, whose hands I’d been touching under the table the whole evening, “It’s so cool that you’re here in Arizona and so is Milo. What a great coincidence! I missed hanging out with both of you. By the way, Ava, how’s Alex?

  I felt Ava’s posture stiffen. “Umm…he’s okay, I think.”

  Who’s Alex?

  “You don’t know?” Bee wondered, her blonde brows arching. “He’s like your man candy…”

  Kieran asked, “Man candy? Honey, that’s weird.”

  Bee said, her head shaking, her eyes on Ava whose hands were getting clammy under mine, “Just the other day Ava said she’s dating someone. Well, tell us about him.”

  Bee had no idea I came here with Ava. I’d dropped off Ava with her small bag of clothes at Kieran and Bee’s house and quickly left without seeing my sister so I could talk with Kieran first. The news of them moving in together was something I knew of because Bee had texted me months ago about it but I never replied. Obviously, my duchess hasn’t divulged anything about us to my sister.

  “The guy I’m dating?” Ava inquired, as I formed circles with my fingers on her palm.

  “Yeah,” Bee said, her blue eyes inquiring. “Is it Alex Totikov? The Russian model?”

  Who the fuck is this Alex? A Russian model? I already sent a Russian back to his roots. Maybe I’d send this Alex Fed-Exed back to wherever he came from and join a federation with his banged-up countryman.

  “No.”

  “Ava, you’ve only lusted, umm, crushed on Alex for years…” Lusted on this Alex guy? I stopped the swirling motion on her hand and tightened my hold on her right leg instead. She was wearing a red dress that showed her curves, long legs, and high heels that I’d ask her to keep on for later.

  Bee continued, “And now you’re dating someone and it’s not him? Seriously. Who is this guy? I mean, who can top a guy with a body like Beckham?”

  Kieran’s brows shot through the roof at that statement. “A body like Beckham? Are these your words, honey?”

  Exactly buddy, whoever this Alex guy is, I’m going to kick his ass harder than Beckham.

  “No, Ava’s.” Bee rolled her eyes.

  Ava took a swig on her glass of wine before saying, “Alex is super hot. I mean, he’s like the most gorgeous male model on the planet...I know I’ve said he’s, gah, delicious.” It’s one thing for Ava to say these kinds of things before, when we weren’t together. Actually, she never really mentioned guys or if she did, she didn’t say it like this.

  Jealousy at her looking all dreamy for this Alex piece of shit, irritation at her being all dreamy for this Alex dickwad, and an animalistic drive to possess her, to have her see only me, instead of pining for this motherfucking Alex guy ran through my veins.

  “Baby, you better stop now,” I warned, my right hand slamming hard on the table. The liquid on my glass vibrating, bouncing with the force of my hand.

  “Un, deux, trois.” Whenever I was getting worked up, she’d start counting in French. I liked the way the words rolled over her tongue and I didn’t let her finish…ever. I grabbed her head and kissed her. Hard.

  Her response was to kiss me just as hard, her tongue making its way around my mouth, her hand pulling on my shoulder.

  “You’re dating my brother?” Bee’s excited scream dulled our heated moment, my momentary lapse into Ava’s lips.

  Ava nuzzled my chin, trailed a fingertip along my jaw, and I caught her ears flushing hotly against her tiny diamond earrings.

  She still hadn’t answered Bee. Maybe she was shy about us. We haven’t had exactly a great history of liking each other in front of my sister.

  “I’m not dating her Bee,” I declared, my left arm covered Ava’s shoulder, her head downcast. “She’s my girlfriend.”

  “Ava, look at me,” Bee ordered. My sister and Ava have been friends since they were both in first grade.

  Ava was refusing to look at her, which was pretty funny considering they were facing each other, and Ava’s never been the shy type especially towards Bee.

  “Ava! Avalea!” Bee grated out, and was she was standing now, reaching over the table. She often used Ava’s full name when she wanted Ava’s full attention. Kieran had to move her wineglass out of the way, shaking his head, and obviously trying to hold himself back from laughing.

  I whispered in her ear tauntingly, “Baby, are you ashamed of me?”

  Ava straightened her back and finally came out of hiding, out of my arms, and held my left hand on top of the table, giving my sister a calm smile, she said, “Yes, Brynnie… Milo and I are together.”

  “This is the weirdest and best news ever.” Bee sighed, looking at our entangled hands. “I mean, Ava, you don’t even like my brother. And Milo, you can’t stand Ava. I mean, how? What? When?”

  Kieran’s shoulders were now openly vibrating, chuckling. “Honey, I think they’ve pretty much answered the what. I’m not sure you wanna know all the details.”

  Ava leaned into my chest and I inhaled her flowery-citrusy scent. She always smelled enticing, so fresh, so feminine, so her. I couldn’t wait to get her inside our hotel room. I had a lot of things planned out for her tonight. I stopped myself from drifting into horny thoughts because first, my sister was here. Second, my sister who was her best friend, looked shocked at seeing us together.

  “It turns out we do like each other.” Ava’s lips turned up. She had that shimmery lipstick, or she called it gloss, well, whatever the fuck it was, it tasted great and damn, I couldn’t wait to dive into those lips again. “We didn’t expect it to happen, but it did.”

  “You mean all the times you said you were seeing this super hot, super great, amazing guy with abs that were out-of-this world, you were actually talking about my brother?”

  Ava nodded her head. “Yep.”

  “That’s really weird and gross, but okay, I guess.” Bee breathed in, trying to soak in the news, she tapped her right finger on the table. “I feel like I’m in a parallel universe right now. I mean, I’m so happy that you’re finally talking to me, Milo.” Her eyes sparkled in joy. “You and Kieran are okay…and now this, Ava, you and my brother…I can’t, I don’t know what to say.”

  Kieran took a big chunk of the crème brulee and I followed suit. We were both in agreement – we’d let the ladies talk.

  “I’m happy, Brynnie,” Ava announced. “I’m really happy.”

  Bee’s eyes softened, her cheeks puffing out, her eyes misting. “I love both of you... As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

  Kieran pulled Bee into a side hug, wiping her face with a small napkin because a show of tears started falling from her face.

  If Ava started bawling, shit, this place would be a hormonal mess, so I said, “Bee, you know what Ava says?”

  “What?”

  “She says I make the second best omelet in the world.”

  Bee’s eyes were as big as the dinner plates on our table. “You cook? Since when did you start cooking?”

  “Come on. You knew I cooked,” I argued, shaking my head.

  “You never cooked for me,” she retorted. Kieran spooned some of the crème brulee and lifted it to Bee’s mouth.

  It’s true, I didn’t cook when my sister was around. I was lazy when she was in the kitchen. Plus she makes the best of everything, so why bother?

  “He does,” Ava said. “But like he said, second best, Brynnie. You’re still number one.”

  “Of course she is,” Kieran agreed. “She’s the greatest cook.”

  “Milo doesn’t even know how to boil eggs when I’m around,” Bee snickered. “All he does is clean and say, ‘Watch where you put your glass. Make sure there’s a coaster.’”

  Ava let out a snort, almost choking on the glass of wine she was currently drinking. I softly ran my hand over her back. “Ohmigosh! That’s so true! He also goes, ‘Dry the dishes right away so there are no water spots.’ Oh, and, ‘Did y
ou use the wash rag or the dust rag to wipe the table?’”

  Bee and Ava started laughing uncontrollably. They continued trading stories about my habits – the way I drove, my obsession for separating my white shirts from colored shirts, and the neurotic, in Ava’s words, habit I had of keeping everything neat and organized inside the refrigerator.

  I took it all in stride. To see them like this – my sister’s face glowing with delight and my woman’s cheeks tinting with bliss – I couldn’t ask for anything more. Kieran and I exchanged a knowing look. “We’re cool. Everyone’s cool.”

  Finally.

  Everything is good now.

  The rest of the evening passed in a blur. Ava and Bee were back to their besties mode – talking non-stop and updating each other on the latest boy band gossips. Boy bands still existed? Who knew?

  Kieran and I got to talking about next year’s Olympics. At first he was quite unsure if it was okay to talk about it until I said, “It’s alright. I mean I can’t do anything about my situation now. But once the ban’s lifted, I’m looking forward to racing against you again.”

  The Olympics were going to be in Brazil.

  “I think it would be cool if we all went to Brazil,” I voiced out. Ava caressed my arm. I knew she was concerned for me. I’d told her that I still haven’t gotten back in the pool since the day I left Shanghai. “Bee’s gonna be there since you’re competing, man. I’d probably stay out of the Aquatics Center just so the press won’t make a big deal out of it, but other than that, I’d like to go.”

  It’s amazing what a suggestion, a thought, could do to another person’s outlook.

  Ava had suggested that I talk to Brynn. She didn’t force me into doing it. She merely gave an honest opinion.

  Now here I was. Here we were. Making plans. Opening myself to new possibilities after causing a scandal in the sport I loved.

  Everyone makes mistakes. Not everyone can admit to their faults. It took me a while but I’ve come to slowly accept the fact that I have to forgive myself to move on.

  Sometimes it takes a Eureka, an a-ha, a light bulb moment to get your head out of your ass and to realize something.

  Holding Ava’s hand, I took in her profile as she was explaining to Bee how to apply some sort of makeup, her face animated, lighting up, her eyebrows rising and falling during the conversation, her eyes shifting from gray to silver as they did when she was excited.

  Men tend to fall at her feet, people clamor for the words that come out of her mouth - maybe it was because of who her father was, maybe because it was due to the fact that she was as influential, as persuasive, as convincing as him. Whatever it was, she was right here with me, helping me get past one of the most difficult situations I’ve been in during my life.

  Her candor, her beauty, her humor, her intelligence – being with her, everything about her, was an adventure I didn’t want to end. She could have anyone she wanted. But she was here with me. Helping me find forgiveness, purging myself out of the guilt that’s been eating at me for months. Helping me reach acceptance on my way to seeking redemption.

  She was my absolution.

  My Duchess.

  My dad used to say about my mom, “Lei è mia...io sono lei.”

  She is mine.

  I am hers.

  Bee and Kieran invited us to stay at their house, but I graciously declined for two reasons.

  First, because I didn’t want to intrude with their time. I had a feeling that Kieran, no matter how much he tried to hide it, wanted some alone time with my sister. He had just returned from Omaha and Bee had mentioned that she has been working non-stop so she can have some time off to accompany Kieran for an event being thrown by his sponsor in Texas. It was more than enough that my sister and Kieran forgave me. We all made plans on meeting up in Vegas when they had some time and before we left the restaurant, Bee didn’t want to be let go from my hug. Kieran and Ava stepped to the side while we waited for the valet and gave me and my sister some time alone.

  She’d cried again and told me, “I’m happy, Milo. Kieran’s made me very happy. I love him, but no one will or can ever replace you. You’re my brother. Thank you for coming out to see me. I wanted to see you. I knew you were at our house… But I also wanted to give you space. I knew you’d come back. Whatever you did, I believe you did what you thought was the best for me even if it didn’t have the outcome that you were hoping for. You’re the best brother. There’s a piece in my heart that’s reserved for you. I’m the woman I am today largely because of you.”

  I got choked up, and if Ava hadn’t come up to my side and leaned against me, I probably would have bawled all over the sidewalk. Instead I replied, “Love you, Bee. Come see me when you have time and call me.” From now on, I would be answering her calls. Just like the way it used to be between us.

  Second, I also wanted some time alone with Ava. She was flying out of the country in a week and would be gone for almost ten days.

  “Babe, what are you thinking of?” Ava asked, her voice still sleepy from the nap she had just woken up from. She was lying on the king sized bed, the light yellow silk pajamas I had helped her change into because she couldn’t even keep her eyes open, felt soft against my hands. I was lightly massaging her scalp as I laid my back against the brown upholstered headboard. I’d turned the lights low in the room so she could get some sleep.

  “Go to sleep, baby,” I gently commanded while continuing to put light pressure with my fingers against her scalp. She seemed to like me rubbing her back or giving her gentle massages. The first time I gave her a massage, I thought my hands were rough against her delicate skin because I saw some marks and indentations that my fingers had left.

  I showed her the marks in front of the mirror and she just shrugged. “Nah, those are nothing. You should see the marks I leave when I scratch myself anytime I come in contact with fur. Now continue what you were doing please…” She’d bat her long eyelashes at me along with the wicked, pleading gleam in her eyes and I could do nothing but give her what she wanted.

  She lifted her head, her right brow rising, a small pout forming on her mouth. “Come on, tell me why I can hear you breathing in my dreams?”

  “What?”

  “You’re thinking so hard that your thoughts are penetrating into my subconscious.”

  I laughed. “You’re crazy.”

  She pulled herself up, her toes pushing against the covers, climbing up so she could situate her head against my naked chest. Ava liked to sleep in pajamas while I slept in my boxers. I preferred her naked but I also wanted her comfortable.

  “I’m waiting…”

  I breathed in. Before her, I internalized my thoughts and emotions until I could no longer handle them. Then, I’d blow up. With Ava, she liked to talk about feelings and did not hesitate on calling me out when I got out of line. She possessed that innate persuasive quality that made people actually want to talk to her. Or maybe it was just with me.

  “I was just thinking that my girlfriend is one sexy woman.”

  She smacked me right in the middle of my stomach. The loud tap resounded in the room.

  “Ouch!” I groaned in protest.

  “Whatever,” she sniggered, her head shaking, her dark hair spread out against my chest. I picked up a few strands and rolled them around my right hand.

  “She is!” I repeated. Her flowery, unique Ava scent reached me. She always smelled so good. Even when she was sleeping, I’d often reach for her and inhale her womanly scent and I’d start to get hard.

  Her left hand glided down my stomach and I was pretty sure she could see the tenting happening beneath my boxers.

  Instead of sliding lower, her hand stilled. “Ow!” She pinched me!

  “If you don’t tell me, I’m going to tickle you, pinch you, and I’m keeping my legs closed for business…” She added, “The entire duration of our trip.”

  No way. No fucking way.

  It’s bad enough that I can’t do anything wit
h her three days out of the month when she had her monthly visitor and when she’s out of town. Now this? I could make her change her mind, but I wasn’t taking any chances.

  “Ava…”

  “No.” Her voice was firm, followed by a tiny yawn. “So what are you thinking about?”

  “I was just thinking how my life has changed. For many years, I’ve dreamt of being an Olympic gold medalist you know?” My voice scratchy, the burn in my chest slowly spreading. “When I was a kid, my dad made me choose, he’d say, ‘Son, you gotta let us know, which one do you love more, swimming, baseball, taekwondo, or soccer?’ My parents were so busy. We didn’t have nannies or anything like that. As much as I wanted to do all of them, I had to pick because it took a lot of time to go from one practice to the next and one event to another. I chose swimming because it was the sport that challenged me the most.”