Bonded Love

by Renee Roman

  “This has been a wonderful evening. I got to spend it with the most beautiful woman at the gala.” She gathered Trinity to her, then kissed her slowly, passionately, hoping she could feel how much Blaze was enamored by her. How much she’d wished they could invest in something more together. But she couldn’t be part of a one-sided relationship. She deserved more. And Trinity deserved her time in the sun. Blaze pulled back and ended the kiss. Trinity’s chest heaved, her eyes never leaving Blaze’s. She took Trinity’s hand and walked her to the door. “Thank you again for the invitation. I’ll never forget tonight.” She brushed her thumb over Trinity’s bottom lip and Trinity trembled under her touch.

  “I take it this is where we say good-bye.” Trinity’s voice wavered, and Blaze almost lost her resolve.

  “As much as I would like it to be otherwise…yes, it is. I’m looking for something serious these days, and I completely respect your honesty. Thank you for telling me where you stand.”

  Trinity closed her eyes for a minute as though to hold back her tears. “Thank you isn’t nearly enough for how wonderful you’ve made me feel.”

  Every cell in her brain screamed a warning against what she was about to do. Blaze lifted Trinity’s chin with her fingertips. “The pleasure truly was mine. I haven’t felt this handsome or appreciated in a long time either. I’ll never forget the times we’ve spent together. I wish I’d gotten to know you better. It’s a shame you’re not ready to let anyone in, but I understand.” And she did. It wasn’t that long ago she’d felt the same way. This time when their lips met, she held nothing back. She poured herself into the one simple act she would allow herself to indulge in without regret or remorse. Trinity’s hand came to rest on her chest, and she took it as a sign to stop before she couldn’t. Blaze stepped back. “Good night, Trinity.”

  Tears pooled in Trinity’s eyes. “I’m so sorry I can’t give you more.”

  She let her hand fall away. “So am I. Perhaps in another place and time.” Blaze turned away, unwilling to show her pain. It wasn’t Trinity’s fault she’d gotten ahead of herself. She should have known better. She didn’t want to look back, afraid Trinity wouldn’t be there, while praying she was. She started the car and began to back out of the driveway. Her resolve broke and she turned to look. Trinity stood in the open doorway, beautiful as ever, with tracks of tears staining her cheeks. She took a breath and faced away. Trinity had made her choice, and it didn’t include Blaze.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Trinity dropped her wrap and clutch on the closest surface and kicked off her shoes. She swiped at the wet tracks on her face, then sat in the recliner she often fell asleep in. The scenario from the evening played out in her head. If she were to ever consider a serious relationship, Blaze would certainly be at the top of the list.

  When she and Blaze danced, she’d been transported to another place, as though she was Cinderella, and Prince Charming had found her at last. But the fantasy had ended when one of the center’s board members had asked if she and Blaze had been together long. She hadn’t been prepared for having to explain her relationship with Blaze, so she’d been as honest as possible, admitting it was their first date. The woman had looked at her incredulously, saying it appeared as though they’d been dancing together for years. Trinity had felt that way, too.

  Blaze had been the quintessential escort. Never once had she acted possessive or done anything for her to regret extending the invitation, yet Trinity felt as though Blaze wanted their time together to continue well past tonight. Not that she hadn’t imagined how wonderful it might be to come home to a woman who not only made Trinity feel as though she was the only woman in the world, but one who would complement her life in ways she never dreamed of. And that was what she feared most—losing her identity in Blaze’s shadow because she had a commanding presence without even trying. Granted, it was wonderful to be doted on for an entire evening, but how long would it last? Did she even want to be cared for when all she’d known her entire life was looking out for herself and making her own way in the world? It was irrational to think there was more between them. She couldn’t…wouldn’t sacrifice her own goals for an unsure, unguaranteed future. No matter who it involved.

  When Blaze made it clear that she had no intention of sleeping with her if there was no future for them, then kissed her as though her life depended on it, she’d almost wished she’d given in. Instead, she’d pushed Blaze away, and when she drove off, Trinity knew she’d made a mistake, and it was already too late to fix it. Blaze was gone.

  “Hey. What are you doing home so early?” Kelly took one look at her and ran over. “Did she hurt you? I’ll kill her.”

  Trinity shook her head. She was grateful she hadn’t come home to an empty house. At least she could tell Kelly what a jerk she was for turning away the one person who might understand her compulsion for success. “Blaze was gallant and an absolutely perfect date.”

  “Then why are you crying?” Kelly led her to the sofa.

  She sighed. “I told her there wasn’t a future between us.” Trinity chewed her lower lip. “Then she turned down my offer to have sex with me.” It sounded worse when she said it out loud, like she was doing them both a favor.

  “Gee. You said that?”

  “Not in so many words, but I definitely implied if she came inside, we would.”

  “Huh.” Kelly’s eyebrow wrinkled. It meant she was contemplating how to tell her something that might hurt her feelings.

  “Go ahead and tell me. I already know I really fucked up a chance at a great relationship.”

  “It’s just…you won’t always be under the gun at work. Someday, and probably sooner than later, you’re going to realize there’s more to life than your career, and, well…maybe you should have left the door open. You know, for down the road.” Kelly squeezed her hand.

  “I know. You’re right. I didn’t, but I think Blaze may have.”

  “Really? What did she say?”

  Trinity closed her eyes and tried to recall the conversation. She’d been so lost in the depths of Blaze’s dejected eyes, she couldn’t be sure. “I think she said, ‘In another place and time,’ or something like that.”

  “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry you felt like you needed to put the brakes on. It sounds as though you two could have made a commitment.”

  The tears came unimpeded. Kelly had voiced exactly how she’d felt when Blaze turned from her and left her standing there. The last thing she remembered was Blaze’s face as she pulled away. The saddest part was the lack of hope she saw.

  * * *

  “I said I was sorry. What more do you want?” DJ was just shy of pleading.

  Blaze hadn’t wanted to deal with another confrontation. It seemed like that was all she was doing lately, but she didn’t want to let it slide.

  “What made you think inviting an ex-lover and a regrettable fling was a good idea? Or all the other single lesbians that were there?”

  DJ shrugged. “We used to have fun with Grace, but you’re right. Inviting Fagan was poor judgment on my part.”

  “The whole matchmaker thing was poor judgment, especially when you knew I was interested in Trinity.” She wasn’t sure why, but Blaze felt the need to drive home the point.

  “You said you wanted a relationship. I thought I’d try to help. Sue me for being a friend.”

  Blaze dropped into the old leather desk chair she’d had forever. She should have replaced it by now, but sometimes worn and comfortable was the best option. Like a good friend. She shook off her anger, knowing staying mad never resolved anything. “Thanks for this. I was dying for a decent cup of brew.” She had to remember DJ did things Blaze would never think of doing, and maybe that’s how they’d remained close. In many ways they were polar opposites, but they seemed to balance each other out.

  “Aside from pointing out my poor judgment, what else is going on?” DJ sipped and sat forward, waiting.

  “I’m not sure. Despite how things ended b
etween us, I can’t help wanting to see her.” She’d already told DJ about Trinity’s decision that her career was more important than anything else right now, and she hadn’t bothered to hide how much that hurt.

  “After what she did? She tossed you away like a used bone.”

  “DJ, that’s not fair and you know it. We slept together, then we had a date that might not have even been a date. Sure, we spent some time together, but it’s not like we were heading down the aisle.”

  “I knew I didn’t like her for a reason.” She wrinkled her nose. “She should have shown you more respect than she did.”

  Hearing someone else talk in a derogatory way about Trinity felt wrong. “Drop it, okay? You have your own issues with respect at times.”

  DJ’s face fell. “Okay. I deserved that.”

  Blaze probably shouldn’t be sharing her latest internal battle, but DJ was the one person she thought would understand. “Whether or not I see Trinity again isn’t my decision to make.” She tilted her cup at DJ. “And I don’t want you trying to help. I’ll figure this out on my own, okay?”

  “You know I worry about you.” DJ touched her hand. “I can’t help if I get carried away sometimes.” Blaze nodded. “What do you plan to do about the situation?”

  Blaze stood and circled her desk, leaning against the front. “I don’t know.” She stared into the distance, not at all convinced she’d seen the last of Trinity. Blaze squeezed DJ’s hand, then let go. “I’ll figure it out.”

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Trinity sat at the kitchen table with the envelope in her shaking hands. It had only been two days since her date with Blaze, and though she’d tried to keep focused, she couldn’t help the gnawing in her gut that told her she would continue to miss her for a long time.

  The reason she’d let her go was in the envelope.

  She ripped open the letter and read the exam score sheet. She’d done well on the written part with an overall rating in the 90th percentile. She’d hoped for higher, but she’d take it. The next sheet was a summary of her practical performance under the watchful eye of her superiors, including the head of the ED. He’d stood back with a clipboard, watching her every move and the instructions she’d given staff. She had no idea what he was thinking as he leaned against the wall and made notes, though she tried not to look in his direction. The thirty-minute practical drill had left her pumped with adrenaline but emotionally drained. His summary detailed her performance strong points, noted a few “minor deficiencies,” and included an overall comment of “an exemplary candidate who will likely excel under the guidance of a talented and well-seasoned team.”

  We’re happy to offer you the position of Head Trauma Nurse in the Emergency Department. She read it a second time before jumping up and down. Trinity looked around the empty apartment. She felt like celebrating. She picked up her phone and texted Kelly. She didn’t get a response and it could be hours, but she needed to share the news with someone right away. She thought about her parents, but they’d be passed out by now or too drunk to understand her. And she didn’t want to throw her success in her siblings’ faces. After scrolling through the As, she stopped midway through the Bs. Blaze. She didn’t know why, but something told her to go ahead.

  Hi, Blaze. How are you? Wanted to let you know I got the promotion for head nurse of the ED.

  She stared at the screen for five minutes before she went on down the alphabet. There wasn’t anyone else in her contacts list who would be as excited as she was. More than half the people there wouldn’t have a clue what she was even talking about. The limited number of people close to her dampened her spirit. She went to the fridge and eyed the bottle of pinot grigio. After checking a goblet for residual lipstick, she pulled the cork and heard it hiss. Satisfied it was still fresh, she poured a good amount. What the hell. I don’t have work until tomorrow.

  Trinity lifted the glass to her lips before taking a healthy gulp. Her phone pinged and she nearly lost the mouthful, forgetting she’d put the volume all the way up while doing the laundry.

  Kelly: I knew you would! We’ll celebrate when I get home.

  Trinity: When’s that?

  Kelly: About an hour or so.

  Trinity: I’m starting without you!

  Kelly: No doubt.

  Her smile widened and her jubilation returned. Kelly always made her feel like she belonged, no matter where they were or what they were doing. Her phone pinged again. She picked it up, thinking it was Kelly again. Trinity froze at the balloon that appeared, along with Blaze’s photo and a brief note saying she was well and happy for her, along with encouraging her to celebrate, but that’s where it ended.

  She blinked at the short message. No terms of endearment. No “I miss you” or “I’d like to see you again.” What did she expect? She’d sent Blaze away with the idea that she was agreeable to having sex with her, but she was otherwise expendable. Regret sat like a stone in her gut. Why had she been such an ass? Blaze had made her feel like she wasn’t that kid from skid row who would never do anything of significance with her life. Like she wasn’t a nobody. Not giving in to her attraction for Blaze was likely going to be one of the worst decisions she’d made in her adult life, but she’d never know for sure.

  Her phone pinged again. Kelly would be delayed by a new trauma patient and told her to go celebrate. Trinity glanced at the clock. Kelly wouldn’t be home for hours, and Blaze’s lukewarm response confirmed she’d chosen a life of solitude and work over one that could be a literal dream come true. In a moment of supposed clarity, she’d fooled herself into believing she didn’t need a fairy tale romance. Blaze forced her to see how very wrong she’d been. She did want it all. And she wanted someone to share in the ups and downs that came with a full, rich life. Why didn’t I let her in? Trinity wasn’t talking about a physical place, for once she was talking about her heart. The one place no one had ever been allowed in before.

  The thought of celebrating alone lost its appeal. Blaze was the one she wanted to celebrate with, and she imagined a wonderful dinner followed by a night of lovemaking. One where she would bask in the glow of being adored. Cared for. Loved.

  She stared at Blaze’s name, wishing she could conjure her into existence, throwing all her inhibitions and self-preservation tendencies out the window for a chance at being immersed in happiness. Trinity realized she no longer cared about having goals if they didn’t include Blaze being at her side to share in them. She settled on the couch with her glass of wine. Maybe she deserved to be alone if she couldn’t be honest with herself.

  Chapter Thirty

  Blaze walked through her workshop. Even doing what she loved hadn’t improved her sour mood. She ran her left hand over the rack of chisels, then picked up a handful of wood shavings from the bin and let them drift through her fingers. Trinity had drifted through her life, too. Maybe a random task would get her mind off missing her so much. Ever since her text, Blaze had speculated about the real reason Trinity contacted her. Not that she hadn’t been happy for her, because she was. But she’d been let down when there’d been no further text. More confused than ever, Blaze had waited. After thirty minutes, she knew she’d lost her opportunity. Trinity had made their situation clear, and yet, Blaze couldn’t help wanting to see if she’d come to Thanksgiving anyway.

  She glanced at her scar. The tingling that skittered along her nerves still occasionally happened. Dr. Jonas had assured her it was a good sign, letting her know the nerves were healing, and the sensation would eventually disappear. Unlike the scar that would be a constant reminder of the night she could have died. All of that was in the past. She couldn’t change it and she certainly didn’t want to go back in time. She might have never met Trinity if it weren’t for the accident. Her chest seized. Tears threatened. It was stupidity on her part. How had she been so enamored with Trinity that she’d let herself tumble headfirst down the rabbit hole? It wasn’t like there weren’t other women out there. Why was she so obsessed with this
one? After the talk with her father, she was confident it was because she’d fallen for Trinity. Hard and fast. She thought about Grace, her last romantic interest, and compared what was different between them, but she couldn’t put her finger on anything specific.

  DJ had suggested alternate ways to meet women. The local lesbian group she’d joined a few years ago listed activities and she’d signed up for a hiking trip. Maybe this week she’d check out the local Harley-Davidson riders event. She needed to do something before she went stir-crazy.

  Her phone vibrated across her desk and she rolled her eyes at DJ’s icon, unsure if she was in the mood, but knowing she’d keep calling until Blaze answered. “Hey. Did you sell that million-dollar house yet?”

  DJ blew out a breath. “I wish, but I will. How did the hike go?”

  “The hike was fine. The women were…not my type.” It was the kindest description she could use. Blaze was all for women being comfortable au naturel, but hairy armpits and unshaved legs wasn’t for her.

  “I’m sorry to hear that. What’s next on your quest for dating perspectives?”

  “It will take me weeks to get over this one.”

  DJ laughed. “That bad?”

  Blaze had to laugh, too. “You have no idea.”

  “Seriously though,” DJ said. “What about an actual dating service?”

  She groaned. “No. Definitely no.” Whenever she thought of exclusive dating, there was only one woman she could imagine being with. “Maybe I’ll just go blind and call it a day.”

  “Blind?” DJ sounded panicked. “Dear God, what have you done now?”

  “Calm down. I only meant I’ll go blind from masturbating from now on.”