by Lexi Blake
Case groaned. “Then she should know if I don’t play he’ll give me a set of pom-poms.”
“And I will shove them up his ass.” Mia winked Sarah’s way. “I’ll be back for those cookies.”
She watched them walk toward the tent the Taggarts had set up. Someone—likely Ian himself—had come out early and set up a huge tent and tables and chairs. There was a barbecue thing going. There was probably some technical name for it, but all that mattered was the sweet smell coming off it. Every now and then Alex McKay would open it and flip meat over with his tongs. Then Tag would say something and Alex would obviously threaten to shove his tongs up Tag’s butthole.
He got that a lot.
They were a big family and Tag was the obnoxious uncle who held everything and everyone together. She knew if she wanted to, she could walk right into that tent and be welcomed. She would be treated like family.
But she wasn’t really family. Besides, it was nice to be alone for a moment. It gave her time to think.
Sarah let her head fall back, sunlight warming her face as she thought about the night before. She was sitting on a large blanket, the white color making a gorgeous contrast to the velvety green grass that made up the park. Her dress was sunny yellow, also in vibrant contrast to the white.
I’m a Dom who thinks he knows what you need.
She’d thought about Sir all night long. She’d gone to the after party, listening carefully to each voice she heard to try to identify the man she’d spent hours talking to. There had been about ten Doms she hadn’t met or knew very little about. None of them had seemed like the man whose lap she’d sat on.
They’d been attractive, seemingly nice, but not a one of them had moved her, and she’d started to wonder if it had been the fact that the whole evening had been so different that made it seem like she’d been moved. Or she was overly emotional and looking for anything to cling to. That could be it.
“Is this seat taken?”
She opened her eyes and wished she’d kept them closed. Jared was standing there, looming over her like a gorgeous statue. Except no statue had his ridiculously sunny smile or those green eyes that seemed to warm the world around her. “There’s a whole park. You should be able to find somewhere to sit.”
His smile dimmed and he stepped back. He wore athletic pants and a T-shirt that hid what she knew was the singular most spectacular chest ever created by body building and the careful avoidance of carbs. He wore sneakers on his feet and a Seattle Seahawks cap on his head. He was scruffy and gorgeous and perfect. “Sorry. Kori said she and Kai would be with you. I’ll find another place.”
She was such a bitch. He was here to see his brother, who happened to be married to her best friend. She was the one who should end up alone. He was blood. She didn’t have any of that in this world. “No, you should hang with Kai. It’s fine. I’m sorry. I didn’t think I would see you until tomorrow.”
“And you didn’t want to.”
Oh, she wanted to see him. If he knew how many times she had watched his TV show, he would think she was a pathetic little fangirl. “I think it’s safer that I don’t see you, but I didn’t realize you were coming today. I won’t make you go and sit by yourself.”
The truth was if she wanted to stay friends with Kori, it looked like she would have to deal with Jared from time to time.
It would have been so much easier if she’d never answered his call. She’d picked up because he’d stopped calling months before and she worried something had happened to Kai. He’d merely gotten lonely and tried again. She should have hung up. Instead she’d spent hours talking to him. The next time, they’d gotten on the computer and it was a little like they’d been together. She’d started to think they could work.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
The man could give her the most soulful looks. It was why he’d been so successful at acting. Looking at him made her heart ache, but she simply smiled. “It’s fine. Are Kai and Kori on their way?”
“Kai is talking to some guy with a ponytail very similar to his own. It’s kind of like he’s talking to himself,” Jared said, his hands on his hips. “Kori’s talking to the guy’s wife, who I think might be cheating on him because she was macking down with another dude. Or they have a very open marriage.”
Ah, so he’d met the other side. “That’s Leo Meyer. He’s The Club’s version of Kai. The woman’s name is Shelley and she’s married to Leo and his brother, Wolf. Not legally, though. I don’t think they can do that. But those Club people tend to view their world as kind of a country in and of itself. Julian Lodge is their leader and if he said kinky three-ways should be turned into a monogamous thing, then they respect it. Is it monogamy? Polygamy? I don’t know. I just know Shelley Meyer probably does a shit ton of laundry.”
Jared lowered himself down, keeping her fully packed picnic basket in between them. “So they’re both married to her, like Jake and Adam are married to Serena?”
“Yes.” She wondered how long Kori was going to take. Simply sitting with the man was making all thoughts of her lovely Sir fly straight out of her head. Jared was overpowering to her every sense. “It’s a thing at The Club. Like we’ve got one threesome at Sanctum. They’ve got one couple. Big Tag says it’s because they’ve got way smaller penises than the guys at Sanctum and it takes two to please a woman, but I happen to know that most of those threesomes are super kinky and everyone is fucking, if you know what I mean. Like Julian does both his subs. But not the brothers. I’m sure they’re very respectful of each other’s personal space when they have sex with their wife.”
“Do Adam and Jake?” Jared’s voice had gone low, conspiratorial.
She shook her head. “No. Not that I’ve heard. They’re pretty loud when they’re in a scene, and they are careful about the penises not touching.”
“That’s a different world,” Jared said with a shake of his head as though he couldn’t even fathom the thought of sharing a woman with his brother.
“You should see the guys from Bliss. Think threesomes but with aliens and sasquatches. Not that I’ve seen that. Just heard a rumor. And beets. What’s up with the beets?”
His brows rose. “What do beets have to do with three-ways?”
God he was so gorgeous. “I have no idea. I’ve never been there.”
A super uncomfortable silence descended. All around her the party was revving up. The men from The Club were wearing matching T-shirts in red and black. The ones who were playing, that is. They were across the soccer field that was being used for football today. Julian Lodge was as casual as he got, wearing a button-down shirt, slacks and what were probably thousand-dollar loafers that would almost certainly not see a football field today or any other day. He was wearing sunglasses and looking super-billionaire cool as he held his daughter in his arms, smiling with the glow of a proud father. He watched as his “team” began warming up.
The Sanctum crew was not as organized.
Should she say something else? She wanted to ask him how he’d been doing. The last time they’d talked he’d just gotten the word that he wasn’t going to get the part he’d wanted in a major franchise. Was he struggling? Did he have another show? He should be in every movie, but she’d heard Kai talk about the fact that there were still rumors he was a killer.
Stupid assholes. He was as far from a killer as possible. The only thing that man could slay was hearts.
“I heard you were going on a vacation.”
She plastered a sunny smile on her face. “Next week. I’ll be gone for three whole weeks.”
Three weeks alone, but that was how it had to be. She didn’t have anyone, and she wasn’t about to make Kori worry.
“Are you seeing friends?”
“I’m taking a sabbatical. I’ll make friends.” She didn’t want to think about this now. She got to her knees and opened the picnic basket. It was a universal truth that if a woman wanted a man to stop talking, she should put something in his mouth. “Do
you want a sandwich? I have ham and swiss, turkey and American, and pimento cheese.” She hadn’t planned on him being here. “Sorry. I could get rid of the bread. I have some napkins.”
He shook his head. “Oh, I’m good with carbs. I’m not training for anything right now so I’m happily eating like a real human. I had a donut this morning. It was chocolate. I’d love the ham and swiss.”
She reached in and grabbed one of the ham and swiss sandwiches she’d made. The basket was full of treats, including her famous snickerdoodles. She’d spent the morning putting it together, wondering if the mysterious Sir would show up and need some food.
She couldn’t quite remember what his voice sounded like now.
“Thanks. Getting to eat is a definite plus of being unemployed.” He ate half the sandwich in a single bite.
She sat back and hoped she had enough food. “I’m sure you’ll get another show soon.”
He shrugged. “I’m okay, Sarah. I’m enjoying the time off. It’s given me space to think about a lot of things.”
“I thought you were working on the documentary.” It was supposed to be the whole reason he was here.
“I am, but that doesn’t feel like work. It’s more than that. Are you still okay with talking about it?”
“Yes.” She’d thought about it a lot. “I think you might be able to do something good. None of us saw anything wrong with Squirrel. I know I didn’t spend much time with him, but I wouldn’t have thought anything was wrong. He seemed normal, with the exception of his name.”
“I spent most of my life with him. I knew he could be an asshole about women. I always thought he would chill when the right one came along.”
“You know he was a sociopath, right?” The idea that he’d been blaming himself made her ache. She’d known he did in the beginning, but shouldn’t time and distance have shown him he was innocent? “He would have been excellent at hiding his true nature.”
“He wasn’t that smart,” Jared insisted.
“Or he was and he was excellent at hiding it,” she pointed out.
“The funny thing was one of the reasons I stayed around him was I got to be the smart one.” Jared put down the sandwich. “Kai was always so much smarter than I was. I didn’t hate him for it. I loved my brother, but I will admit that hanging out with Squirrel made me feel like I got to be in charge. I got to be the one someone looked up to.”
She didn’t want him to devolve. “I think this isn’t the time or place to talk about this. If you keep going, I’ll cry and then my mascara will go everywhere. Do you want to be responsible for that? I’ll frighten the children with my raccoon eyes.”
“No,” he said quietly. “I wouldn’t want to do that. I’ve missed you.”
Of course she also didn’t want to talk about this, either. “I’ve been gone a long time. Or I guess you’ve been gone. I didn’t actually go anywhere.”
“I shouldn’t have left.”
“I think it was for the best.” At the time she’d been devastated. It felt like the end of the world. Now she knew better. Now she knew what it felt like when the world ended.
“It wasn’t best for me.” He looked out over the field. “They look happy. Everyone here looks happy.”
The longing in his voice pulled at her heart. She knew that same longing. “I’m sure you know lots of happy people.”
“Fewer than you would think. I know the image is of glitz and glamour and everyone thinks if they just had money and fame everything else would fall in line. It doesn’t work that way. Money isn’t love. Money isn’t family. Fame isn’t happiness. You go into the whole fame thing thinking this is the way I get love. When all these people love me, then I’ll be worthy.”
“Jared,” she began.
He shook his head. “It’s okay. I know what I was doing back then. I was looking for acceptance. I was looking for affection. The trouble was not a one of those people knew me. They loved an actor who smiled and showed off his abs. They didn’t know I missed my brother. They didn’t know what haunts me at night or what I want for the future. I was a pretty face, a nice body, an aspirational ideal. I was a fantasy, and I’m no fantasy man, as you found out.”
She sighed and wished she could reach out to him, but that was a bad idea. “You were always a real man to me, Jared.”
He chuckled, but it wasn’t a humorous sound. “I doubt that.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
He stared at her for a moment as though trying to decide if he wanted to reply. “Sarah, you watched me work out like it was meant to entertain you. All we talked about when we met was Hollywood crap and who I knew and what kind of parties I went to. It was a fantasy I wanted to take further because you blew me away the moment I laid eyes on you. One of the reasons I walked away was because I knew how hard it would be on you if I let the fantasy become real.”
Had she made him feel like he was a piece of really gorgeous meat? In the beginning she’d seen him as something of a conquest. She couldn’t help it. He was one of those men who wasn’t quite real. He was far too perfect. “At first I thought I could steal a couple of days with you and then I would be able to tell my friends, yep, I bagged him.”
“You wouldn’t be the only one,” he pointed out.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I wouldn’t want to feel like no one knew the real me.” She hadn’t even thought of it. She’d seen him as a gorgeous piece of man meat, a prize to be won. Something that had slipped from her fingers. “If it helps, I don’t think of you that way now.”
“I don’t think you think of me at all.” He stared out over the field. “Could you tell me what I said? What I did to make you stop talking to me? I thought we were becoming friends.”
The whole world seemed to fade away, leaving only the two of them. “Is that what you wanted? To be my friend?”
“No. That’s never what I’ve wanted from you. I wanted more. I want more.”
“I can’t give it to you.” It was the “more” part that she couldn’t do. The forever, happily ever after part.
“Is it because I’m not working much anymore?”
The words were a kick to her gut. “No. Not at all. I think we were getting to be friends.”
“Don’t you want to know?” He didn’t make a single move to close in on her, but those eyes of his pinned her. “I’ve spent every day since I met you wanting to know.”
He didn’t have to say the words. She knew exactly what he meant. Didn’t she want to know what it would feel like to have his arms around her? To lie beneath him while he thrust inside her? Didn’t she want to know what it felt like to make love to Jared Johns? The trouble was she didn’t care what it felt like to make love to the movie star anymore. She could have handled that. It was the man who moved her, the man who made her want things she couldn’t have.
She should tell him she wasn’t curious, that she had no interest in him sexually. “Of course I do.”
“Then why did you stop talking to me?”
She was so tired.
He got to his knees in front of her. “I’m sorry I asked. You don’t owe me a reason.”
But they’d been getting so close. If he’d been the one to stop taking her calls, she would want a reason, too.
She hadn’t said good-bye to him. She hadn’t given him a moment’s closure. Why? Why hadn’t she simply gotten him on the phone and lied to him? She could have told him any story, but she hadn’t. “I think I was punishing you. It wasn’t fair of me.”
Untrue. She hadn’t been punishing him. She was saving them both pain. Or putting off the inevitable because telling him the truth might sway her choice. Being with him might make her think she could put it off, wait a few years. What could it hurt?
He was staring at her with those gorgeous eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you. Do you want me to leave? I can send someone to tape your interview. It doesn’t have to be me.”
Was she willing to never see him again? He was her
best friend’s brother-in-law. Kori and Kai had become her family in the last few years. Jared needed his family, too. “Don’t leave. You belong here as much as I do. I think that might be another reason I pulled away from you. If we did get together and it went wrong somewhere down the line, what would happen then?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you’re Kai’s brother. If we break up, I’m on the outside,” she explained.
“I would never leave you on the outside.”
“What about holidays? I spend them with Kori and Kai. How would you feel about spending Thanksgiving with your ex-girlfriend? If we break up, one of us loses our family, and it seems like it’s too much to risk. Neither one of us has another family.”
“I hadn’t thought about it that way. But I’m not a vindictive person, Sarah. If for some reason we broke up, I would never push you out. I wouldn’t. I would try very hard to find a way to be friends with you.” He relaxed back, closer to her now than he’d been before. “I care about you. That won’t stop because you pull away from me. Until you tell me to leave you alone, I’m probably going to keep trying to get you to talk to me. I want you badly. I might play dirty.”
There was nothing she wanted more from this man than to see how dirty he could play. “But you would leave me alone if I told you to.”
His eyes became grave. “I would.”
She couldn’t do it. It wasn’t fair. She was planning on seeing another man later tonight. She was interested in Sir. Sir might be someone she could have an actual relationship with, even if it was merely a D/s relationship. It would be something, some connection she could rely on.
“I don’t want you to go, but I can’t promise you anything.” The right words simply wouldn’t come out of her mouth. “And you should know I’m seeing someone at Sanctum. It’s only for the weekend, for Charlotte’s party. Did Kai tell you about that?”