Twins

by Marcy Dermansky

  Daisy put her head on my lap. She wanted more sushi. I gave her a piece of yellowtail.

  “Sue,” my father said. “That’s two dollars a pop.”

  “Yep,” I said. “It’s expensive.”

  My father was home for a couple of hours at night, and he thought he had the right to offer his opinion on my life. To control my behavior. He could try as hard as he wanted. He was nothing to me. I had no reason to listen to him. Chloe was gone. She was on the other side of the planet, with another girl, someone she liked better than me. The day Lisa Markman came back from Italy, Chloe had stopped brushing my hair. She refused to hold my hand or cook me dinner, the steamed vegetables and rice I pretended to hate. Chloe wanted her own life. She always wanted her own stupid life. Yumiko sat at her place at the dinner table. She was much too pretty to be my brother’s girlfriend.

  “Is this the first time your sister has gone away without you?” Yumiko asked.

  “Hey,” Daniel said. “Let’s not pressure the kid.”

  I smiled at Yumiko. “The other side of the planet. She couldn’t have gone much farther.”

  “Australia is far,” Yumiko said.

  I gave Daisy a piece of eel.

  “Daisy will eat the weirdest things,” I told Yumiko. “She likes sushi and celery. One time I fed her macadamia nuts.”

  “I’m dead serious about the therapy,” my father said. “These days, it feels like you are beyond my control.”

  He finally got something right. I threw a piece of salmon at him, aiming for his bald spot. My mother smiled as he swatted the air around his head.

  “I’ve had it with you,” my father said. “I’ve really had it.”

  “Goodie for you,” I said.

  “Do you want some stickers?” Yumiko asked me.

  I turned to look at Yumiko. Stickers. She gestured toward her purse. Yumiko had the craziest purse I’d ever seen: a stuffed pink rabbit with a zipper down the center.

  “Please,” I said. “I’d like some stickers.”

  Yumiko leaned over and opened her stuffed rabbit purse, handing me a long, narrow strip of small green frog stickers. The frogs had big eyes, round bellies. One frog was sick. It said “hospital” over the sick frog’s head.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  I peeled off a tiny frog sticker and stuck it to my water glass. I thought my mother might object, but she was staring off into space.

  “I wish Daniel had told me he was bringing home a friend,” she said suddenly. “I am afraid this is not appropriate for the occasion.”

  Yumiko smiled. “This is fine,” she said. “I showed up unannounced. Who am I to say anything? I love sushi. My uncle Haruki is a sushi chef. A tuna roll is like Wonder bread to me.”

  My mother offered Yumiko a pained smile. Her eyes were wet.

  “What’s wrong with you?” I said.

  My mother shook her head.

  Yumiko sipped her Sapporo from an orange-and-red-striped plastic straw.

  “Do you want a straw?” she said.

  “Please,” I said. I held out my hand.

  From the same pouch that carried a sheet of frog stickers, Yumiko’s hand emerged with another straw. This one was striped blue and green.

  “Would you like a straw?” she asked Daniel.

  Daniel shook his head. I wanted to spit at him. He didn’t deserve Yumiko. He deserved to be miserable. For going to college, for letting Chloe move into his room.

  Yumiko offered straws to my parents.

  My mother declined. My father accepted.

  “That’s definitely a straw,” he said, dipping his straw into his glass of beer, bending the top back and forth.

  My mother picked up a piece of sushi, but she didn’t eat it. Daisy left me, going to my mother to beg.

  “Are you going to tell them?” my mother asked.

  “Shouldn’t we wait until Chloe comes home?” My father played with his striped straw as he spoke, bending the top back and forth.

  “Tell us what?” Daniel said. “Anyway, I won’t be here when Chloe gets back.”

  “If she makes it back,” I said.

  Yumiko ate a piece of ginger with her chopsticks.

  “Your mother and I are getting separated,” my father said. “I have become involved with a woman whom I hope you will meet soon. I will be moving out on the first of the new year. I have rented an apartment with a room for you and Chloe to stay in on the weekends. If you want to.”

  “Fat chance,” I said.

  “I did not think you would want to,” my father said.

  “You’re kidding?” Daniel said.

  My father sipped his beer with his striped straw. “There will be plenty of money for your college tuition. You don’t need to worry.”

  I looked at my parents, almost giddy that they might actually hate each other.

  “I brought home a girlfriend,” Daniel said, looking at his hands. “She wanted to meet my family. I can’t believe you’re talking about this now.”

  “She’s small,” my mother said. “Your father’s girlfriend. His client. Like Yumiko. Asian.”

  Yumiko nodded. Everything seemed to make sense to her. Take-in sushi for Christmas, an AWOL twin in Hawaii, a standard poodle under the table, divorce announcements. “White men like Asian women,” she said to my mother. “It’s a domination thing. Chances are it won’t last.”

  Daniel blushed. “That is not why I like you,” he said.

  “That’s what you think,” Yumiko said. “It’s hard to see a situation clearly from the inside. Who knows what caused your attraction to me? It is not uncommon for white men to show a preference for Asian women.”

  Now, my mother really smiled at Yumiko. It was an open, friendly smile. Almost loving.

  “What are you studying?” my mother asked her.

  “I’m a psychology major,” Yumiko said.

  “That’s not why I like you,” Daniel said. “That has nothing to do with it.”

  Yumiko leaned across the table, took a piece of salmon with her chopsticks, dipped it in her dish of soy sauce, and expertly popped it into her mouth.

  “That’s fine,” she said. “Motivation doesn’t matter. It’s action that counts.”

  Daniel’s mouth hung open. I didn’t get how Yumiko could be his girlfriend. She was so clearly superior to him in every way. I wondered what it meant, his bringing her home to meet us. Did they have sex? I was furious with myself for thinking about it. Of course they had sex. I spent three minutes in a closet with Lisa Markman’s little brother and he tried to squeeze my chest with his sweaty, grubby hands. What would Daniel do with Yumiko in her white lace dress? What were the Markmans doing to Chloe halfway around the world?

  And my parents wanted to bother me with talk about their fucking divorce. My father was doing it with some client. He was repulsive.

  “I’m sorry,” Yumiko said to my mother.

  My mother shook her head. “This is not your fault.”

  “I am still sorry,” Yumiko said. “This can’t be easy for you.”

  My mother touched Yumiko’s hand.

  Yumiko seemed to be having the same effect on my mother that she had on me. Daisy put her head on my lap. I gave her another piece of yellowtail.

  “Stop that,” my father said.

  “Two more dollars shot to hell,” I said.

  “I have known about the situation for quite some time now,” my mother said.

  I stared at my parents in wonder. My lawyer parents, getting dressed each day in their matching lawyer outfits, driving off to work in their silver Mercedeses. I knew nothing about them. I wondered if I was supposed to be upset about their announcement. I wanted Chloe to be home, she would know the right way to feel. Once my father left the house, it would be harder to get money. My mother never had cash in her wallet.

  “This is some holiday,” Daniel said.

  I looked at him in surprise. He seemed to be hurt. Even though he never came home, he was disappoi
nted. Let down. My parents’ marital status mattered to him. Maybe they meant something to him when he was growing up. He must have looked to them for answers. I had Chloe. I gave Daisy another piece of sushi. It was the only thing I could think to do.

  “We thought the holidays would be a good time to tell you,” my father said. “I thought you would all be home.”

  But it was Yumiko sitting in Chloe’s seat. She continued to eat, unfazed. She was an expert with chopsticks. I tried to mimic her, but I dropped my sushi in the soy sauce.

  “Chloe’s not here,” I said.

  “Of course,” my father said. “Chloe’s not here. But originally, I didn’t know she would be going off for the holidays.” My father leaned back in his chair. “You just don’t look right,” he said suddenly, staring at me. “All by yourself.”

  I knew that.

  I knew that.

  I looked down at my Christmas sushi in the toilet, individual grains of rice, pink bits of salmon. I rinsed my mouth and went downstairs for something sweet. I was hoping to find Daniel and Yumiko in the kitchen, drinking whiskey, reading at the table. But they were in bed. Together. In Chloe’s room.

  The day after Christmas, Yumiko wanted to go to the mall.

  “I want mittens,” she said. “White woolen mittens with pom-poms at the ends.”

  I’d stayed away from the mall since breaking Lisa Markman’s nose. Daniel had never gone out in public with me again.

  “Let’s eat breakfast and go,” Yumiko said. “We can get cute barrettes for your hair.”

  If Yumiko said barrettes, I wanted barrettes. I had no idea what Daniel had told Yumiko about me. He could have used me to make himself seem interesting. Lying in bed, stroking her thigh, he could have looked at her and said, “I have this messed up sister, Sue. She lives in her own private world of pain. I bet she will crack you up.”

  “The mall will be crowded,” Daniel said slowly. “There will be big sales and loud suburbanites. You really want to go to the mall today?”

  Yumiko sipped her coffee. She didn’t care that Daniel maybe didn’t want to go. We were going. I bet she always got what she wanted. It was easy to see that Daniel was the one in love. He would do whatever she wanted, because if he didn’t keep her happy, she would dump him. The way Chloe had dumped me. I wanted Yumiko to like me more than Daniel. She was wearing her hair in braids and had on pale yellow overalls over a white long-sleeve shirt. Nothing was more important than finding the perfect mittens for Yumiko. Chloe was in Hawaii with Lisa Markman, doing unspeakable things in dark closets. Or she might have pricked herself on a poisonous coral reef, and was being rushed to a hospital for the antidote as I tried to drink the coffee Yumiko had poured for me.

  We left early to beat the crowds.

  “You both look so unbelievably serious,” Yumiko said when Daniel pulled into the parking lot.

  “The mall makes me a little nervous,” I said.

  “I have an answer for nervous.” Yumiko opened her magic bunny bag. I wondered what I would get next. She placed a small, football-shaped pill into my hand.

  “Sue,” she said, and I nodded. “This will calm you.”

  I had never taken one before, but I trusted Yumiko. She was a sophomore in college and looked more like a little girl, but she knew things. I could tell. I had the urge to tug on her long shiny braids. I swallowed the pill.

  “You need one too,” she told Daniel. Yumiko dug back into her bunny bag and got a pill for Daniel. She dropped the pill onto his tongue. I watched them, jealous. Maybe they had done this before. Yumiko dropped her hand onto Daniel’s knee and left it there. I clenched my hand into a fist, and then I remembered that I was getting calm. Yumiko had given me a pill.

  “Your brother is always a little nervous,” Yumiko said.

  “Will you take one too?” I asked her.

  “I love shopping,” she said, shaking her head. “You know, your parents don’t know anything about the spirit of Christmas. And your dog is a total nutcase.”

  Daisy was afraid of Yumiko. She had run out of the kitchen while we ate our breakfast and growled at her from the hall.

  “I’m sorry,” Daniel said. “About them. About Christmas.”

  “I invited myself,” Yumiko said. “I love watching families. I don’t expect them to get along. Tell me, what’s Chloe like?”

  It occurred to me that Yumiko had met me first. Without Chloe. I wasn’t an identical twin to her. If Yumiko ever were to meet Chloe, she’d confuse Chloe with her idea of me.

  “She’s perfect.” Daniel and I said it at the same time. We looked at each other. He knew it too. I guess it was that obvious.

  “And you’re not?” Yumiko said. She turned around in the car to look right at me. “I’d love to do research about twins. There are so many different ways I could approach the topic.”

  “I can ride a unicycle.”

  I reached around my back to touch my tattoo. I wished that we had put it somewhere I could see it, like my wrist or my shoulder. I needed something better than a unicycle to impress Yumiko.

  “You can?” Yumiko said. “A unicycle?”

  She sounded excited, as if I had told her something fantastic.

  “I’d love to see you ride your unicycle,” she said.

  Daniel giggled.

  “What?” I said.

  Daniel held the steering wheel with his thumbs. “I feel pretty good.”

  We were just driving around the parking lot. I hadn’t noticed. The place was full. Yumiko put her tiny feet on the dashboard. She’d taken off her shoes. There were little white rabbits on her yellow socks.

  “I can’t believe your sister is perfect,” she said.

  “She is,” I said.

  Yumiko shook her head.

  “I already don’t like her,” she said.

  Daniel laughed.

  “You would like Chloe,” I said.

  “I’m not interested in perfect people,” Yumiko said.

  “What is your family like?” Daniel asked. “I don’t know anything about them.”

  “My parents are dead,” Yumiko said.

  Daniel started to giggle. He covered his mouth with his hand.

  “You’re serious?” he said.

  “They drowned in a riptide in Kyoto.”

  “Oh, my God,” Daniel said. “I’m sorry.”

  Dead parents, I thought. It seemed like there could be advantages. Then I felt ashamed. I was always thinking sick, terrible thoughts. I’d wished Chloe dead, told her so to her face, but I would die if anything happened to her. I wasn’t a normal person. I was all wrong. I didn’t care how Yumiko might feel; some people loved their parents.

  “That is terrible,” I said.

  “I was five years old,” Yumiko said, as if it were no big deal. She opened her window, and cold air rushed into the car. I could see Yumiko wiggle her toes through her socks. Daniel had found a parking spot, but while he turned to look at Yumiko, whose parents were dead, a minivan pulled in first.

  “They were nice,” she said. “I remember once we went to the beach, in Japan, and I watched seals sleeping on the rocks.”

  “I am sorry,” Daniel said.

  Yumiko closed the window.

  “They have been dead a long time,” she said.

  I wanted to look at Yumiko. To see her face.

  “You know what?” Yumiko said, turning around to look at me. Her eyes were so dark they were almost black. “I’ve never known anyone before who could ride a unicycle. You are the very first.”

  I felt my heart beating fast, even though I had taken that pill. Maybe Daniel was too calm. He had driven right past another parking space and headed out for a more distant part of the lot.

  “How long have you been going out with my brother?” I asked.

  “Two weeks,” Yumiko said.

  “Two weeks,” I repeated happily.

  That wasn’t long. Even if they’d had sex, it wasn’t long enough for her to feel attached to hi
m. Yumiko couldn’t love my brother. Maybe she was with him for his family. He had told her his sisters were identical twins and she was using him for a research project. She’d come back with him to meet me. Suddenly I wanted to tell Yumiko everything.

  “I broke a girl’s nose,” I said. “Right here in this mall.”

  “You did?” she said. “In this very shopping mall?”

  I nodded.

  I could feel myself beaming with pride.

  “Look, Daniel,” Yumiko said, twisting around, “a parking spot.”

  Daniel had already driven past it. Daniel didn’t want to go to the mall, but Yumiko did. She had seen the space. We couldn’t let it go by. I opened my door, ran from the car, and stood in the center of the space. Another car was already there, ready to pull in. It was Brittany Lopez and her mother. I wasn’t budging. They honked the horn. I shrugged, Chloe’s shrug. They would have to run me over to get this parking space. I had claimed it for Yumiko. Daniel began backing in. I gave Brittany Lopez the finger. She leaned over and whispered something to her mother.

  Yumiko hopped out of the car and stood next to me.

  “I close my eyes and I can see the mittens I want,” she said, wrapping her arm around my shoulder.

  “How are the nerves?” she asked.

  I felt fine. I felt wonderful. I’d take on the shopping mall for Yumiko. We would find her mittens with pom-poms.

  “Good,” Daniel said. He put his arm around Yumiko. I took her hand. We were a threesome. We walked into the mall that way, entwined. It was the day after Christmas and the place was packed with people. If I’d had my way, I’d have ridden my unicycle down the crowded hardwood floor of the mall and watched the sea of people part before me as if I was Jesus Christ.

  Yumiko and I went into Banana Republic while Daniel waited for us outside. He wanted to sit on a bench and read. Daniel was an idiot. I was thrilled to be alone with Yumiko. In the store, I grabbed her hand and pushed through the shoppers until we found the mittens. Like she knew she would, Yumiko found the perfect pair. They were white and bulky, pom-poms dangling from white strings.

  “Would you do something for me?” Yumiko said.

  I nodded.