by J. E. Parker
I couldn’t help it, I screamed. Loud.
My reaction only spurred Evan on.
He pumped his fingers faster and pressed down harder with his thumb. “Fuck, yes. Keep screaming.”
As if I could stop.
I moaned as I moved my hips, meeting the thrusts of his fingers halfway. Growing desperate for more, I spread my legs wide, grabbed my knees, and pulled them back, opening myself up to him entirely.
Evan’s eyes widened at the move.
He mumbled something I couldn’t understand under his breath before using his free hand to rip off his shirt. His fingers dropped to his jeans where they worked to unbuckle his belt. Popping open the button of his jeans, he tagged his zipper and pushed down his bottoms just enough to expose his cock.
My mouth watered as it came into view.
He wrapped his hand around his throbbing length and stroked it twice before stepping closer. “What do you want, baby?”
Head spinning, I couldn’t think, much less reply.
Continuing to pump his fingers into me, he demanded, “Answer me, Hope.”
My head dropped back to the table top with a clunk.
Oh, God.
Drawing on my inner strength, I sucked in a breath, and mumbled, “You… inside… me.”
It was a miracle I could speak at all with the sensations zinging through my body like little bolts of electricity.
Evan wore a cocky grin as he pulled his fingers free of me and lined his cock up with my entrance. “Look at me.” With effort, my eyes met his. “Every time I take you, whether it’s today, tomorrow or twenty years down the road, I want you looking into my eyes as I slide into you, yeah?”
I didn’t answer him right away.
Instead, I stared at him with tear-filled eyes as the realization of what he’d just said set in.
Twenty years down the road. His words repeated on a loop in my head.
Evan’s face fell, and concern flashed across his features. “Hope, what’s wrong?”
He started to step back, but I wrapped my fingers around his wrist halting his progress.
“Nothing is wrong,” I whispered. “They’re happy tears.” I held up my finger in the air. “Pinky promise.”
He ignored my finger. “Yeah, you’re going to need to explain that.”
Mouth dry, I swallowed. “You said you wanted me to still look in your eyes twenty years down the road.” My hold on his wrist tightened. “That means you’re thinking about a future”— I paused—“with me.”
His face softened. “Of course I am.” Leaning forward, he cupped my jaw in my hands and kissed my lips. Soft. Sweet. Pulling back enough to look into my eyes, he whispered, “You’re my girl. Always have been. Always will be. From now until the day I take my last breath, it’ll always be you and me little bit.”
I opened my mouth to reply, but he kept speaking, cutting me off.
“You’re going to be my wife, Hope. As soon as I can get my shit straight, I’m putting my ring on your finger and my child in your belly.”
I almost had a heart attack.
Overwhelmed with emotion, I let the first tear slip free. “You want kids?” I paused again, taking a breath. “With me?”
He nodded once. “Yeah, baby, I do.” Eyes pleading with me for understanding, he continued, “I just need you to hold on for me while I figure out how to fix myself. It doesn’t matter if it was my fault or not, I’ve gotta move on—”
Snapping his mouth shut, he dropped his gaze to my throat.
It doesn’t matter if what was his fault?
I didn’t understand what he was talking about.
“Evan—”
He shook his head and pressed a soft kiss to my throat. “We’ll talk about it later, but right now, I just want to make love to you.” His eyes met mine again. “You good with that?”
Knowing he needed me to drop it, I slid my hands over his muscular shoulders. “I am.”
Evan held my gaze as he wrapped his hands around my thighs and pulled me to edge of the table. Resting my calves on his shoulders, he placed one hand on my lower belly and held me in place as he slid inside of me.
Slowly.
My mouth dropped open, and I had to fight to keep from dropping my head back and closing my eyes as he fed himself into me, inch by agonizing inch.
“Evannn,” I said his name in a drawn-out moan. “Please, I need more.”
A bead of sweat dripped from the tip of his nose before landing beside his hand on my belly. Shoulders shaking from the force it took to restrain himself from slamming the rest of the way inside of me, he looked two seconds away from losing control.
Control I so desperately wanted him to lose.
Lifting my shoulders off the table, I wrapped my right hand around his wrist. His lust-filled eyes met mine. “Stop”—I took a breath—“being so easy with me.” Evan stilled, and I continued speaking. “I’m not made of glass. I won’t break.”
Chest heaving, his eyes narrowed.
I shifted my hips, pulling him half an inch deeper inside of me. I moaned, and Evan mumbled a curse under his breath before turning his face into my calf. “I want you to take me the way you want to.” It was a miracle I could speak at all, much less coherently. “I don’t need soft and sweet.” My nails dug into his wrist. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I’d drawn blood. “I want you, rough edges and all.”
Evan’s hold on me tightened. “You’re tempting a beast, Hope.”
Good.
I laid back, my shoulders flat against the table. “Show me,” I said, my eyes never leaving his. “Show me everything you’ve been keeping from me.” I paused, taking a breath. “Let it all out, baby.”
Heart pounding, I watched Evan’s face for any sign of understanding. I prayed that he realized that I was talking about more than sex. After finding him emotionally battered in the shower and then watching him fight whatever monster lurked inside of him while standing in the kitchen minutes before, I needed him to let it all out.
Alone, the pain was breaking him.
And I was tired of seeing him hurt.
I didn’t care how much it hurt me or what kind of pain it inflicted on my heart and soul. I wanted his pain, his guilt, his demons, his monsters; I wanted it all. Because if only for a moment, I needed to take the agony away from him, and carry it on my shoulders. It didn’t matter if I had to face down a beast or go head to head with whatever darkness lived inside of him, I’d do it.
For him, the man I loved, I’d do anything.
Squeezing my flesh to the point of pain, Evan tilted his head back and looked up at the night sky. My eyes followed his, locking on the full moon and twinkling stars.
Wide-eyed, I stared, mesmerized.
Inside my chest, a warmness spread through me; the coldness I usually felt disappeared, and for a brief second, all I felt was peace.
But then it changed.
The air surrounding us became charged with electricity, and I knew—I frickin’ knew—that whatever was about to happen between us would be life-changing.
“Look at me,” Evan grated, his voice guttural.
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. When my eyes crashed into his the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. Darkness, along with a whole lot of hurt filled his tortured gaze. I wanted nothing more than to comfort him, but something told me to stay still.
I knew Evan would never hurt me, but at that moment, he was dangerous. Not physically, but emotionally. Teetering on the edge of control, he looked a hairbreadth away from releasing the soul-consuming monster that lived inside of him. A monster that would have no problem destroying someone like me who was already emotionally damaged.
The thought scared me.
Still, I meant every word I said before. Terrified or not, I wanted the monster to come out. I wanted Evan to release the darkness, and I wanted him to place his pain on my shoulders.
Alone we were both broken.
But together, we co
uld be whole.
Be strong, Hope, I told myself . He needs you.
“It’s okay, Ev,” I reassured him. “You won’t hurt me.”
He exhaled, his shoulders deflating. “I already have. Just like her, my actions destroyed you.”
Wait.
“Who is her?”
I was lost.
He ignored my question. Face harder than stone, his voice sounded robotic, monotone as he continued to speak. “Want to know what scares me the most?”
I hesitantly nodded.
“What scares me the most is that I’m going to be your end. Just like I was hers.”
“My end?” I asked, mouth gaping. “Like my death?”
His eyes darkened; his jaw clenched. “I’m already the reason for your downfall, Hope. I can’t be the reason for your end too.”
“Evan,” my voice shook, “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
Needing to touch him, I tried to sit up, but Evan placed his hand on the center of my chest, holding me down. An emotion I didn’t recognize flashed in his eyes. “You want to know my twisted secrets, baby?”
Body trembling, I whispered, “Yes.”
He licked his lower hip. “Here’s the first.” He removed his hand from my chest and gripped my hip again. “Her name was Amira. She was five and next to you she had the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen.”
He's talking about Iraq.
“What happened to her?”
A lone tear slipped free of his eye. “I killed her.”
No, you didn’t, I mentally replied. There’s no way.
I didn’t have time to say anything else before Evan slammed his full length inside of me. Back arching, I clenched my eyes shut, and screamed.
Loud.
Roaring into the night air, Evan gripped my hips so hard I knew there would be bruises come morning. Still, I didn’t care. I opened my eyes and lifted my head off the table and looked up at the man who I loved with every fiber of my tattered heart.
His tortured gaze was locked on me.
There were so many things I wanted to say, so many questions I wanted to ask, but the pleasure consuming every inch of my body made it impossible to speak.
So I did the only thing I could.
Wrapping my hands around his wrists, I held on as he took us both to a place where nothing but pleasure awaited us. A place where there were no monsters, no demons, no feelings of loss, and no debilitating nightmares.
A place filled with nothing but pure bliss.
Twenty-Eight
Hope
Evan and I were both quiet as we redressed.
The silence stretching between us was deafening, the tension thick.
Unable to bear it a second longer, I straightened my shirt and walked up behind him. His body tensed at the sound of my footsteps. Without saying a single word, I slipped my arms around him from behind, hugging him tightly.
He flinched at the contact, but I refused to pull away. Holding him tighter, I pressed my cheek against his back. My warmth bled into him, and I hoped that the steady pounding of my heart comforted him in the same way that his comforted me.
“Thank you, big guy,” I replied, my voice once again whisper quiet. “For letting me in.”
Despite the new pain in my heart and the new questions rolling around in my head, I was grateful that he’d opened up and let me in. I only hoped that by confessing one secret it would help ease some of the weight he carried on his shoulders.
Deep down, I knew it wouldn’t.
Evan turned in my arms, bringing us face-to-face. Cupping my jaw with his hands, he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. Then, he pulled back an inch, hovering the tip of his nose above mine. “Want to know another secret?’
Heart jackhammering in my chest, I froze in place. “Tell me.”
He smiled, and all the breath left my lungs in one quick swoosh. “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, little bit.”
“Ev—”
“Shh,” he said, silencing me. “Listen, baby.” I nodded as I waited with bated breath for him to continue. “Without you, I wouldn’t be here.” I sucked in a breath. “Without you, I wouldn’t have a reason to keep going, to keep fighting.”
I clenched my hands into fists and shook my head. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth.”
“Maybe, but—”
Evan pressed a finger to my lips. “Would you shut up and let me finish.”
My eyes narrowed. “Whatever you say, jackbutt.”
Snorting, he rolled his eyes. I laughed at the sight.
Evan Morgan just rolled his eyes… never thought I’d see the day.
“But I need you to know…” Voice trailing off, he stood straight and averted his gaze. “I need you to know that what I just told you, the secret I just confessed, that isn’t all of it.”
In an instant, coldness swept over me. Stomach twisting into what felt like a million different knots, I forced myself to stand straight even though I wanted nothing more than to crumple to the ground.
Call me weak, call me dramatic, but I felt like I was falling apart.
Not because I was upset that Evan still had more secrets, but because I hated that he had any to keep in the first place. The pain he’d experienced, the hell he’d survived and the memories he had inflicted on him—none of it was fair. No one, especially someone as beautiful as Evan, should have to go through so much misery.
Simply put, he didn’t frickin’ deserve it.
Calling upon every ounce of strength I possessed, I placed my hands on Evan’s shoulders. I took a deep breath and shot him a look that screamed, I mean business. “You listen to me, you overgrown gorilla.” I paused for emphasis. “I don’t care what secrets you’re hiding, nothing and I mean nothing, will change the way I feel about you.” Pain spliced through my chest and stomach at the mention of my big brother.
Damn it, Ry, I thought. You were supposed to come back.
A pained expression crossed his face. Still, I kept talking. “I know you feel responsible for Ryker’s death and now you tell me you killed that little girl. But you’re full of crap on both accounts.” He opened his mouth to say something, but I smacked his shoulder, silently demanding that he snap his trap closed. He did. “I’m going to ask you two questions, and I want you to answer both honestly. And when you do, we’re going to let this go. Do you understand me?”
Evan’s eye twitched. “Baby, it isn’t that—”
I smacked him again. “Oh no, you don’t!” At that moment, I wished I would’ve borrowed Grandmama’s flyswatter so I could use it to whack him upside the head a few times. Maybe then he would’ve gotten the point I was trying to make.
Doubt it. The man is more stubborn than an ornery old billy goat.
“You will not argue with me over this, Evan, and I mean it." When he didn't reply, I continued. "Now, I’m going to ask two questions, and you’re going to give me two answers.”
Again, his eye twitched.
“Now,” I said, digging my fingers into his deltoids. “Did you fire the bullet that killed my brother?” Tears threatened to spill, but I pushed them back. I flat out refused to fall apart. When Evan didn’t answer me, I gritted my back teeth together. “Answer. Me.”
Evan’s jaw ticked. “No,” he said in a rough voice I hardly recognized.
“Then you didn’t kill him nor are you responsible for his death.” He sucked in a breath, and I knew he was about to argue with me. Therefore, I slid my hand down his arm and did the same thing Mama used to do to Ry when he was being a little jerk—I pinched the crap out of him.
He flinched before growling.
Fighting back a smile, I continued, not giving him a second to start fussing. “Question number two: Were you the person who directly killed Amira?” Without knowing how the little girl died, I couldn’t be more specific. But knowing she had been killed at all threatened to tear me apart.
Five years old… H
er life hadn’t started yet.
It was no wonder that Evan was so screwed up. First, he watched Ryker die. Then, he likely watched Amira die. And not only that but he harbored so much guilt for their deaths.
It was unimaginable.
“Evan, answer me,” I snapped, reaching the end of my rope.
Nerves frazzled, I felt like I was spinning out of control.
“No,” he replied after a moment. “It wasn’t the one to pull the trigger.”
My entire body jerked at his words.
Five years old…
Shot… dead…
Just like Ryker.
The realization made bile rise in my throat.
I'm going to be sick.
Feeling my stomach heave, I dropped my hands from Evan’s shoulder and arm, turned around, and ran for the edge of the building. Reaching the side, I fell to my knees and clutched the brick with my fingers.
Surprisingly, I didn’t vomit.
Instead, I kneeled there, fighting for the breath that had disappeared from my lungs and chest, turning me into a panting hot mess. Evan dropped to his knees behind me and wrapped his arms around my belly and chest. “I’ve got you,” he whispered, his mouth inches from my ear.
“Evan,” I panted through the gasps for breath. “You’ve got to let it go. If you don’t, we don’t stand a chance.” My words hurt, but he needed to hear them. “This guilt, these secrets, they're eating you alive and erecting roadblocks between us left and right. It has to stop.”
Silence fell between us.
Sitting back, he pulled me with him, placing me in his lap. Arms still locked around me, he buried his face in the side of my neck and blew out a breath. “I can’t lose you, Hope. I won’t.”
His words made me want to smack him.
We—him in particular—had made so much progress since I threatened to leave but part of me was terrified that it would get no better than it already was. It didn’t matter what I said or did, Evan was still afraid to let me all the way in. Despite how much closer we were, he was still pushing me away.
If it didn’t stop, this would never work.
I loved him with everything I had, but I was tired of beating my head against a wall. Day after day, week after week, there was only so much I could take.