Concealed Affliction

by Harlow Stone

  Wisely, Ryder steps aside as I plow past him to the kitchen. My girl greets me on the way, so I set the bag on the counter and dig out the container of chicken parmesan I picked up for her. She wastes no time digging into her dinner while I lean against the counter, silently fuming.

  I hear Ryder come up behind me, he’s quiet on his feet but the squeaky linoleum gives him away.

  “Where’s all this coming from Elle? Not three days ago you gave me a part of you that I wasn’t sure I would ever get. You opened up for me babe, and I’m not just referring to your legs. So tell me, where’s this coming from?”

  I take a deep breath before turning to face him. Deep down I know he means well, I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by what he did at the gym. It’s the caveman in him, maybe. The ‘me man, you woman’ thing that makes him want to look after me? The protectiveness that’s ingrained in his being not just because of who he is, but what he does.

  The thing is though, I’ve come out on top more often alone than with someone by my side. I keep thinking about that load, my baggage, which I know he’ll help me carry. I know I need to remind myself that he has good intentions, but I also can’t help but want to feel like I’m the one with all the power here.

  That’s the thing about having power stripped away from you. It was gone from me for three days, and I never in my life want to feel that again. That hopelessness. That feeling that there’s not a damn thing you can do without asking someone for it first.

  So I’ve become even more independent, not ever wanting to ask people for help. Not wanting to ask them for anything. Even when you need to ask if you can have some slack on the rope keeping you bolted to the floor simply so you can piss in a bucket. Well, that’s part of what I like to call rock-bottom dependency. I’ll be damned if I ever need to be dependent again.

  “You spoke for me. You didn’t ask me what I wanted, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, you didn’t talk to me at all, and you just went ahead and did it.”

  He tilts his head to the side, staring at me, thinking about what I just said. It may sound ridiculous to him, and I hope I don’t need to explain it, but something tells me I’ll be doing just that.

  “I apologize Elle, seeing you with Brock doesn’t sit well with me. I know you said you’re just friends, and he and I had a talk that night I found you at the gym. That guy loves his wife, I get that. I’m just not sure how I feel about him keeping such a close on eye on you. Especially when he has a wife at home. Not many men I know would put that much effort into looking after a woman he wasn’t fucking. More so when he’s not getting paid outside of the gym.”

  “You idiot! One, I do fucking pay him. And two, did it ever occur to you there are some kind people in this world Ryder? Trust me, I’m the last person who would have ever thought there was kindness left in this world, but surely if I can stumble upon it, so can you. Nothing, not now, not ever, has happened or will happen with Brock.”

  He shakes his head, not entirely agreeing with me.

  “I trust you babe, just not sure I trust him.”

  “Well that’s big of you Ryder—to trust me. But let me ask you something. If you trust me so much, why are you so worried about Brock? If you trust me, you know nothing would ever happen.”

  “I don’t think anything would happen Elle, that doesn’t mean I have to like you hanging out with him. Regardless, we still haven’t gotten to the bottom of the issue here. Why did you go so off the wall because I spoke for you? I thought we were on the same page here babe, and that means when I spoke, I was pretty sure what I said is what you wanted; to be back in North Carolina, with me hopefully looking after you.”

  I slam my palms against the counter.

  “Goddammit, don’t you get it? I don’t need to be looked after Ryder! I’m not with you so you can ‘look after me.’ And for shit’s sake, don’t speak for me. Ever! I can speak for myself!”

  Strong arms grab ahold of my shoulders. He puts his angry tanned face in mine.

  “Why Elle? Why is this such a big deal to you? Tell me!”

  Time to turn the tables.

  “Have you ever been held hostage Ryder? Have you ever been taken into the hands of someone else and not been given the chance to make your own decisions? Speak for yourself? Have you ever had that taken away from you?”

  “I was trained for shit like that, Elle. I’ve been put through the ringer-”

  “NO! Talk about ‘training’ all you want! Have you actually ever, really been taken Ryder? Answer the question!”

  “No! I haven’t, Elle.”

  My voice is low and angry when I reply.

  “Then you don’t know. You do not for one fucking second know what it feels like to not know what day it is, and not want to ask. You do not know what it feels like to want water, but not be able to ask for it. You DO NOT know what it feels like to ask for some slack on the rope that’s holding you off the ground. Slack on the rope that’s bolted to the floor and too far away from the bucket you were given to piss in.

  “So until you know what it feels like, that you actually have to ask to take a fucking piss, you do not speak for me. Until you know how it feels to have your ability to make such small decisions taken away from you, don’t you ever speak for me. Because from today until the day I die, I will decide when I sleep, eat and piss. I will decide when I need help, and who it will be from. Nobody Ryder, not even you, will be given the go ahead to speak on my behalf or make decisions for me.”

  I push his hands off my shoulders and head to the fridge. Opening the door, I reach my hand in blindly and grab a bottle of wine. By the time I turn around his hands are on the counter and his head is hung low in defeat.

  I don’t stick around to speak with him anymore. I have nothing else to say at this moment. The only thing that is going to calm my nerves and make me even the slightest bit approachable is a round with Brock. Since I just left and I’m still incredibly pissed, I settle on a bath.

  I shut the bathroom door and begin my ritual of calm, with an iPod plugged into the docking station, wine bottle opened—no glass—and some coconut oil in the water. I remove my sweaty gym clothes and sink down into the tub. I rest my head against the back, feeling the cool porcelain against my neck. I take a few deep breaths, followed by a few mouthfuls of wine.

  I stare at the once white now beige ceiling, removing myself from the confrontation I just had with Ryder, replaying the scene in my head.

  There are a few different ways that conversation could have went, and unfortunately I know that that one was not the best. My anger gets the best of me at the worst of times. I’m aware I have a temper and also aware that speaking is not always my strong suit.

  A few times during our rant, I know I could’ve calmed it down and not made it so much about something that he’d done wrong but more something that I’ve not dealt with. That’s going to be the toughest part about this thing I have going with Ryder, having not had to share my shit with anyone in a long time, especially with a man I’m attracted to, physically and as emotionally as my cold heart will allow.

  I could look back on my old life and compare this to the other relationships I’ve had in the past, but the kicker is that nothing ever measured up to this before. I have never, not once in my life felt about someone the way I feel about Ryder. And if I’m honest, that scares the ever living fuck out of me.

  How many times do women, not just myself but as a whole, go through life wanting someone they can lean on, and more importantly count on? I know down to my bones that Ryder would be someone that I can count on. He’s not the kind of man I should’ve just thrown that bit of my life to. I should have sat down with him on the couch and calmly told him that I have issues with trust, and therefore issues with people speaking on my behalf as if they know me better than I know myself.

  Coming to this conclusion I tell myself that after my bath and wine is done, I’ll apologize for dropping that on him like a bomb, and try to tell him about my issues in an ad
ult manner, not like the miserable bitch I was just a few moments ago in the kitchen.

  Ryder deserves answers, I know this and plan to tell him so.

  I pull the plug and grab my robe off the back of the bathroom door.

  No time like the present.

  Chapter Three

  I exit the bathroom in search of Ryder. He’s not in the kitchen or living room, so I make my way down the hall to the bedroom. He’s not there either.

  I begin to panic, walking quickly to the front door to confirm that his truck is still parked on the street. It is, so my racing heart calms a little, and even more so when I hear his deep voice behind me.

  “I was out back with Norm. I told you I wasn’t going anywhere beautiful, but if you want me to, I’ll leave. Not sure how much more of this up and down shit I can take, Elle.”

  Now would normally be the time that I would spin around and tell him if he can’t fucking take it, then get the fuck out. I know he doesn’t mean it in a bad way, but my anger issues and lack of patience are obviously getting to him. I clear my throat before I speak to him, as calmly as I can.

  “I speak my mind Ryder, that’s one thing you can always count on from me. That being said, if I wanted you to leave I would tell you to.”

  I turn around and face the man who is beginning to mean a lot to me. His hair is a mess. Obviously he didn’t bother to shower after his rounds in the ring at Fist. Not that it bothers me, his black t-shirt and shorts leave more skin for me to stare at. The man’s calves are as big as my thighs. Not that that’s huge, but he’s all muscle and I very much enjoy looking at it.

  I take a long hard look at his handsome face before walking up to him, slow and a little cautious.

  “There’s going to be a lot about me that I can’t tell you right now Ryder. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. The reason I can’t is because I don’t know myself some days, so we’re literally learning this new ‘me’ together. A few things I can tell you is that I have a short temper, and also lack patience. Neither of those are new things. They are just more amplified now after my attack.

  “I’m not sure how many more outbursts I’m going to have, or how many times I’m going to lose my shit because you do something that indirectly reminds me of something I’d rather forget. I know it’s not your fault Ryder, but realistically it’s not mine either. I’d like to say I know the woman I’ve become, but I don’t.

  “You’re a good person Ryder Callaghan, I know that. You’re kind, you’re patient and you think things through before you act. I’m a miserable bitch that doesn’t have many good qualities left, but I’m trying to get them back. Do you think you’re willing to work with that?”

  His eyes soften midway through my speech. He wraps me in his strong arms, my head resting on his shoulder.

  “You forgot that you’re stubborn, babe.”

  This earns him a small chuckle from me.

  “I told you a while ago beautiful, I’ll work with what you can give me. But what you need to get from that is that you need to give it to me. I know you’re strong, I know you’ve been looking after yourself. What you need to understand is that I want a part of that Elle. I know you’ll always want to be independent- nothing wrong with that, babe. But it’s okay to need someone, too. And I want that person to be me.”

  He places a kiss in my hair before continuing.

  “I told you I trust you, but the million-dollar question here is do you trust me? Or can you learn to trust me? I know a little of what you’ve been through, and I can’t imagine that’s going to be an easy thing to give. But if you don’t think you’ll ever be able give it to me, then we’re only working ourselves towards a cliff, waiting for the moment when we both go over the edge. I can’t fly, Elle.”

  I pull my head off his chest to look him in the eyes when I speak next. I reach both of my arms up and frame his beautiful face with my hands. His stubble is rough against my palm, his hair silky against my fingertips. The outer part of his black eyes glow when I touch him, they’re almost silver when the light hits them at the right angle. I see nothing but acceptance when he looks at me, and it makes me feel like a fraud because there’s still so much he doesn’t know about me.

  “I know you can’t fly handsome. What I’m most worried about is when the things I’ve kept in the dark finally come to light, you won’t look at me the way you are right now. I also worry about when you finally know every little detail of my life that you won’t be standing here anymore.”

  Those dark eyes of his absorb every feature on my face before he leans down and places his lips on mine. It’s a small kiss, but full of promise.

  “This is where we get to the cliff babe. If you’re worried about me not standing here, then we need to sit down and go over everything. Your life, your case and what’s going through your head. I don’t see me going anywhere. I chased you down, didn’t I? You mean something to me beautiful, I just hope I mean enough to you that we can rip off that band aid, and get it over with.”

  I lean up on my toes and kiss him on his neck. I let out a sigh of relief and close my eyes for a moment before I respond.

  “No band aids tonight Ryder. Wait until we’re back home.”

  Strong hands move down my back and over my behind. He gives a small squeeze before he reaches a hand around each of my thighs and lifts me up so I can wrap my legs around him.

  “That’s all I needed to hear babe. Now, if you have no objections I’d like to take you to bed.”

  I eye the Italian that still sits on the counter. I’m starving and I haven’t eaten since lunch. Ryder follows my eyes and gives me a smug grin.

  “I’ll feed you after I feed me. That work beautiful?”

  I know exactly what he means, and boy does that ever work.

  “Then you better hurry up, it’s getting cold.”

  Ryder needs no more incentive before he carries me down the hallway. He smells so good and I can’t help but stick my tongue out and taste his neck. Sinking my teeth in when I get below his ear.

  “Fuck beautiful,” he rasps.

  My legs are pulled from his back as he tosses me on the bed. Those beautiful black eyes stare at me a little longer than necessary before he reaches for the sash on my kimono robe, unravelling me like a present. The silk is smooth against my skin as he slowly drags the material over my sensitive nipples to uncover me.

  “I could look at you all day.”

  His eyes are tender and sincere. I know down to my bones that he means what he says. I watch as he slowly lowers his head, taking one pert nipple into his mouth. His tongue circles and his teeth tease the outer flesh.

  “Hmmmm, that feels so good.”

  “You taste so good,” he says, dragging his tongue between my cleavage so he can pay more attention to my other breast. His hands skim down my body, his thumbs brush the outside of my breasts before they skim down over my ribs. He pauses in the hollow of my pelvis and when he reaches my hips he adds more pressure.

  “Bend your knees, and put your feet on the bed.”

  I do exactly as he says, watching as he kisses a path down my torso. Stopping to pay extra attention at my bellybutton. I reach my hands out to run them through his dark silky hair, grazing his scalp with my fingernails as his mouth worships my body.

  His stubble feels like light pin pricks on my over sensitive skin, causing goosebumps to form wherever his face has touched. He trails his tongue down further, teasing my hipbones with small nips of his teeth.

  “Handsome, please don’t tease me.”

  Ryder pays no attention to me as he commences the same torture over my thighs. Starting on the outside, and then teasing his way up the inside. I reach out to grab a firmer hold of his hair so I can force his head to where I need him most.

  “Please!” I beg. Not at all ashamed to admit that I need what he can give me more than I need air at the moment.

  I’m on the verge of agony as I watch him stand up and tear off his shirt. His sho
rts are kicked off next, and he moves to join me on the bed.

  “I think two birds with one stone would be best,” he says.

  I have no idea what he is talking about until he puts his hands under my arms and hauls me to the middle of the bed. He stretches out beside me in all his naked, tattooed glory.

  “Now spin around and climb on top, beautiful. I’m not going to last long once I get a taste of your sweet pussy.”

  Completely on board with his plan, I move fast doing exactly as I’m told.

  He eats first, then I do too.

  An hour later, we finally heat up the Italian.