No-One Ever Has Sex in the Suburbs: A Brand New Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘Don’t panic,’ said Katy, as they got squashed together in a large group hovering just inside the door. ‘Daniel’s reserved us a table because he knows the owner. Blimey, can’t believe how popular this place is.’

  Neither can I, thought Ben, taking in more of his surroundings. Bars that served overpriced drinks that took you nanoseconds to consume didn’t strike him as very appealing at all.

  ‘So nice to try somewhere new, isn’t it?’ she shouted into his ear over the too-loud music as they did their best to surge through the crowd to the bar area.

  ‘Yeah,’ he shouted back. ‘Brilliant.’

  ‘Why don’t you wait here and I’ll try and find our table,’ she shouted back again.

  ‘Okay,’ he said, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets and standing still.

  He swayed to and fro, getting jostled by his fellow carousers. He’d never been one for people-watching in bars. He never really understood what pleasure there was in watching someone else have a good time, or worse, a bad one. But just now he had no choice. Stranded alone, his only entertainment was the people around him.

  First date, he concluded, as a couple sitting at a high table caught his eye. Both eager. Both attentive. Overkill of giggling and make-up on her side with much touching of hair. As for him, he could see that he was thoroughly enjoying the fact that he could talk non-stop about himself without being interrupted. Women only listened really on a first date, he decided. After that you usually couldn’t get a word in edgeways.

  A crowd of about half a dozen men then erupted through the door, full of banter and excitement. They bounced off each other like they were in a pinball machine, constantly nudging and poking. They strode up to the bar and ordered bottled lager and then one by one turned to survey the potential of the room. The nudging and poking recommenced as they spotted the slew of short-skirted, tower-heeled girls, and soon one of them was dispatched to spearhead the campaign to get to know them better.

  They were a similar age to him, he guessed – probably mostly in their late twenties – but he felt a world apart from them. They looked happy to be in this kind of bar, hoping the high-priced lager meant a higher standard of women. They cared what they looked like, dressed in variations of a checked ‘going out’ shirt, unlike Ben, who was wearing something he often wore intermittently for weeks on end without washing it. Seeing them made him so relieved he didn’t have to go out trailing the bars, week in, week out, all dressed up. In fact he considered it one of the major benefits of finding your life partner that standing in a bar like this was no longer necessary.

  ‘It’s a good job Daniel sorted a table for us, isn’t it?’ Katy said, as she sat down on a high stool somewhere near the back of the bar.

  ‘Yeah,’ he muttered as he hauled himself onto another stool opposite Katy so they would both have to lean forward constantly and shout to get themselves heard. He wondered if he should suggest now that they bail and find somewhere less fashionable where they had a fighting chance of having a good time.

  ‘The design of the bar is crazy,’ she shouted, pointing over to the glowing neon altar of booze. ‘Daniel said it’s a direct rip-off of a bar he went to in Vegas.’

  ‘Right,’ Ben nodded. ‘It’s hideous. Hope the drink tastes better than the bar looks.’

  ‘Carlos is bringing us over two Dang Dang Whisky Slider Bombs on the house. Courtesy of Daniel.’

  ‘Right,’ Ben nodded again. Hopefully they could down these and then he could suggest they try somewhere else without upsetting Katy’s carefully laid plans.

  ‘So,’ she shouted at him. ‘Tell me what you’ve been up to with Millie. How’s it all going?’

  ‘Fine,’ he shrugged back. She raised her eyebrows. ‘Well, it’s taking a bit of getting used to,’ he added. ‘And to be totally honest, I was a bit all over the place to start with, but I’m getting there. I think I’ve turned a corner. How’s it going with you?’ He was keen to get her off the subject of childcare and avoid the guilty knot in his stomach.

  ‘Oh,’ replied Katy, clearly surprised that he’d asked. ‘Well . . .’ She hesitated, looking somewhat awkward, ‘It’s great, actually,’ she finally said with a sigh. ‘I feel terrible,’ she continued. ‘I’ve missed Millie, of course I have, but I have loved being back in the thick of it. I must be a terrible mother.’

  ‘No, you’re not!’ exclaimed Ben. ‘Being good at your job and enjoying it doesn’t make you a bad mother.’

  ‘But I feel so bad that I’m out there and you’re stuck at home.’

  Ben looked at her, trying desperately to stop himself thinking how the pint at the microbrewery would be tasting now. He’d been so looking forward to real ale and light-hearted banter with someone who thought talking about what he’d had for breakfast that morning was deep. He really didn’t want to spend the night eradicating Katy’s guilt and steering round awkward questions about what he’d been up to. He needed to cut this line of conversation short.

  ‘Look, Katy,’ he said. ‘It was my idea, wasn’t it? You haven’t forced me into anything, I offered. And touch wood,’ he said, planting his hand firmly down on the empty table, ‘our daughter has not been killed or maimed as part of the process, so let’s just say so far, so good, shall we, and move on.’

  Thankfully two tall glasses arrived at the table at that point and Ben couldn’t help but raise his eyebrows at Katy over the paraphernalia that was poking out of the top.

  ‘That, my friends,’ said Carlos, slapping them both on the back, ‘will have you warmed up in no time. Have a good one,’ he said, winking at Ben. ‘But don’t drink too many, or else it might hamper your performance – if you know what I mean.’ He winked again and scurried off smirking.

  ‘What was that all about?’ said Ben, turning to Katy. She had turned bright red. She took a large slug of her cocktail.

  ‘Katy?’ he said again. He didn’t think he’d ever seen her turn bright red before.

  ‘Daniel thought . . .’ she started. ‘Daniel thought that if we had a night out and loosened up a bit, you know, well then, we would perhaps manage to go home and, well, you know . . .’

  ‘Know what?’

  ‘Have sex,’ mouthed Katy.

  It was Ben’s turn to take a slug of the cocktail.

  ‘Are you telling me that this is a whole seduction thing cooked up by you and . . . Daniel?’

  ‘No!’ Katy exclaimed. ‘No, I’m just very conscious that we haven’t, you know, done it . . . you know, in a while, and . . . well . . .’

  ‘And you’ve spoken to Daniel about this?’

  ‘Well yes, I needed to talk to someone. I was worried that you might have gone off me or something.’

  Bloody hell, thought Ben. He wished with all his heart he was in a microbrewery right now with Braindead.

  ‘Of course I haven’t gone off you. I just, well . . . when on earth are we supposed to do it now? I don’t know, do you?’

  ‘That’s exactly what I said to the doctor.’

  ‘You talked to the doctor too?’ Ben exploded. ‘Bloody hell, Katy, is there anyone who has not been consulted on our sex life?’

  ‘No, it’s not like that,’ she said hastily. ‘The doctor just asked me about contraception and I told him there’s not much call for it at the moment, that’s all. I’m sorry.’

  Ben looked away. Maybe now wasn’t the time to share that Rick and Braindead were also aware of the current sex drought.

  He drained his drink, and Katy followed suit. They stared awkwardly at each other.

  ‘Can I ask you a question?’ she said eventually, ‘without you going mad?’

  ‘Depends on the question,’ he replied. He hoped with all his heart it was, ‘Do you fancy going to the microbrewery?’

  ‘Are you . . .’ she began. She’d gone white and looked upset.

  ‘What is it?’ he asked. Unlikely to be a question involving microbreweries, then he thought.

  ‘Are you seeing someone?’ she finally sa
id, very quietly.

  ‘What?’ he cried.

  ‘Are you seeing someone?’ Katy repeated. ‘I don’t necessarily mean having sex or anything, I just mean, is there someone else?’

  ‘Are you insane?’ was all he could think to say. ‘Seeing someone? What on earth are you talking about?’

  Katy swallowed. ‘You’re just acting so strangely,’ she said. ‘There’s weird stuff going on. Something’s different, and I don’t know what it is.’

  ‘So you assume I’m having an affair, do you?’ Ben demanded.

  ‘No,’ she said, tears appearing from nowhere.

  He got up from the stool. ‘Don’t you ever tar me with your own brush.’ He turned away, unable to look at her, and headed for the door.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Braindead pulled his head out of the fridge, having assessed its contents carefully.

  ‘What is this crap?’ he exclaimed, peeling back the lid of a Tupperware box. ‘Smells and looks like a cat has honked it up. I swear the only thing worth consuming in here is the beer.’ He put the offending tub back in the fridge, then re-emerged with two bottles and offered one to Daniel.

  ‘Want one?’

  ‘No,’ replied Daniel. ‘I’m not really a beer drinker.’

  Braindead unscrewed the top and flicked it towards the shut bin. Daniel gave him a look. Braindead grinned back and retrieved the lid then put it in the bin. Leaning against the counter top, he took a swig.

  ‘Not bad,’ he declared, smacking his lips together. ‘But not as good as what we would have been drinking down the Brewery Tap. I hope he remembers to try a Midnight Bell. I’ve been telling him, it just blows your mind, seriously. I hope he likes it. Nothing worse than an overhyped beer that doesn’t deliver, is there, Dan? I’d hate Ben to be disappointed.’

  ‘Well, you have no need to worry about that. Where Ben and Katy are going, the drinks certainly don’t disappoint.’

  ‘What? They’re not going to the Brewery Tap? Ben will have been thinking about it all day. He’ll be gutted.’

  ‘There is absolutely no need to worry,’ Daniel said reassuringly. ‘I’ve fixed them up with a table at Cocktail Emporium. They are going to have a ball.’

  ‘Cocktail Emporium! Are you insane?’

  ‘I know. They’re so lucky. I happen to know the manager.’

  ‘Ben has turned down a night in a microbrewery for a night at Cocktail Emporium? That is a disaster of epic proportions.’

  ‘Oh, don’t be so ridiculous, Braindead. Why would it be a disaster?’

  ‘Do I have to spell it out?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘M-I-C-R-O-B-R . . . is there another R, or is it just an E next?’

  ‘I know how to spell microbrewery, Braindead.’

  ‘You asked me to spell it out!’

  ‘Not literally. What I meant was, what exactly is the problem with going to Cocktail Emporium rather than a microbrewery?’

  ‘Daniel. I’ve come to like you, I really have, but sometimes you are the stupidest person I’ve ever met.’

  ‘No,’ replied Daniel, shaking his head vigorously. ‘I’m not taking that from you. The Dang Dang Whisky Slider Bombs are the key, you see. If there is any drink capable of being the kind of lubricant that Katy and Ben need to get their love life going again, it’s some of those. I am absolutely certain that there is nothing that could get anyone in the mood in a microbrewery.’ He pronounced the last word as if it had just appeared under his nose and smelt of something terrible.

  ‘Microbreweries are sexy,’ claimed Braindead. ‘I’ve taken women there before and had no complaints.’

  ‘How many?’

  ‘Several.’

  ‘Actual dates?’

  ‘Technically speaking, no. We went there for a works night out.’

  ‘Braindead, when did you last have a proper girlfriend?’

  Braindead looked back defiantly.

  ‘More recently than you, I’d say.’

  ‘You know very well I don’t do girlfriends.’

  ‘Well then, that makes me more of an expert on what women want than you, doesn’t it?

  ‘I doubt it somehow,’ Daniel sighed. ‘So, do you want to help me set up this bedroom or what?’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ Braindead nodded enthusiastically. ‘I do need help actually getting women from the microbrewery to the bedroom.’

  ‘So that’s it?’ said Braindead about twenty minutes later, standing at the foot of the bed in Katy and Ben’s room.

  ‘Yep,’ Daniel nodded.

  ‘Smelly candles and throw a scarf over a bedside lamp?’

  ‘Looks and feels like a different room, doesn’t it?’ said Daniel.

  ‘Just looks like a major fire hazard, if you ask me.’

  ‘I’ve only lit them to show you the effect. We’ll blow them out and then Katy’s going to text me when they’re on their way home so we can get them lit, then we’ll melt away the minute they come through the door.’

  ‘I’m not convinced,’ said Braindead.

  ‘Well, fortunately it’s not you that needs convincing. Katy just wants to show Ben how much she wants him.’

  ‘I don’t really get it.’

  ‘Get what?’

  ‘Well, Katy wants to have sex with Ben, right?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And Ben is a bloke.’

  ‘Well spotted, yes, Braindead.’

  ‘Why is she going to all this trouble then? Blokes don’t turn down sex, do they? Ever?’

  ‘I can see what you’re getting at.’

  ‘Why hasn’t she just asked him, or grabbed him or something? To be perfectly honest, putting him through the torture of going to a cocktail bar and then bringing him back here where he could quite literally go up in smoke any minute strikes me as the perfect way to put any poor lad off his stride.’

  ‘Well, I think it’s just complicated for them, that’s all. Ever since the whole Matthew thing, and since Millie’s arrival.’

  ‘I refer back to my previous statement. Ben is a bloke. She’s offering sex. Sounds like the most uncomplicated thing in the world if you ask me.’

  ‘I’d like to refer back to my previous question, Braindead. When did you last have a girlfriend?’

  Braindead closed his eyes to think, then hung his head in defeat.

  ‘Fuck, it is complicated, isn’t it?’ he sighed.

  They stood side by side, both deep in thought about the complexity of love and sex for a few moments before they were disturbed by the sound of Braindead’s phone beeping in his pocket. He pulled it out and swiped the screen to reveal what his gadget was demanding. Next minute he was leaping around the room in sheer joy before lowering himself to his knees and raising his arms to the skies.

  ‘Oh, thank you, God. Thank you, thank you, thank you,’ he roared.

  ‘Shhhh,’ hissed Daniel. ‘You’ll wake Millie up.’

  ‘But it’s brilliant news,’ Braindead insisted, making no effort to reduce his volume. ‘Ben is at the Brewery Tap and has demanded my company. It’s been lovely, Daniel, as always, but it seems as though my night is back on. Thank the Lord.’

  Just at that moment Millie gave a wail, clearly wanting to know what all the excitement was all about.

  ‘Now look what you’ve done,’ said Daniel. ‘You can’t leave now. You need to help me.’

  ‘I’m very sorry, Daniel, but I think you’ll find I have a prior engagement,’ Braindead whispered loudly.

  ‘You can’t go,’ Daniel whispered back. ‘I won’t let you. Katy and Ben need time alone. You can’t gatecrash. And what the hell is Ben doing in the pub anyway? They’re supposed to be getting sozzled on cocktails.’

  ‘He must have made Katy see sense and taken her down the microbrewery.’

  ‘No, this is all wrong,’ said Daniel. ‘I’m so not happy about this. Text him back and say you can’t make it, and then you and me are going to try and calm Millie down.’

  ‘What? You can�
�t make me turn down a night out at a microbrewery twice in one night.’

  ‘I think I can.’

  ‘You can’t.’

  ‘I can.’

  ‘Oh no, you can’t.’

  ‘Oh yes, I can.’

  ‘What on earth is going on here?’ came a shout from the door. They both turned to see Katy standing in the doorway, Millie in her arms and half her mascara down her cheeks.

  ‘Did you wake her up?’ Katy demanded.

  ‘Sorry, Katy,’ said Braindead, looking at the floor.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ demanded Daniel.

  ‘Can I go to the pub now?’ said Braindead.

  ‘No,’ replied Daniel. ‘You can stand there until we know why Katy is here and Ben is at the . . .’

  ‘Microbrewery,’ added Braindead helpfully.

  ‘Where did you say?’ asked Katy, bouncing Millie up and down on her shoulder.

  ‘He texted me from the Brewery Tap, just now,’ replied Braindead.

  ‘Oh,’ said Katy.

  ‘I should definitely go and see if he’s alright, shouldn’t I, Katy?’ said Braindead.

  ‘Yes,’ she said as new tears emerged. ‘You should.’

  Braindead slid out of the room like a snake escaping a basket, quickly and silently. Katy slumped on the bed holding Millie close to her chest, rocking gently backwards and forwards in between loud sniffs. Daniel lowered himself gently beside her and put his arm around her. He said nothing. Just waited.