No-One Ever Has Sex in the Suburbs: A Brand New Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘I don’t think we should see each other any more,’ he announced, plonking himself next to her on the bench, hands still stuffed deep in his pockets.

  Alison’s perfectly made up face furrowed as she turned to look at him.

  ‘You’re late,’ she said.

  ‘I know. I’m sorry. We can’t carry on doing this.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I can’t lie to Katy any more,’ said Ben. ‘It’s all getting out of hand. She thinks I’m having an affair because I’m acting all weird.’

  ‘An affair!’ exclaimed Alison. She looked around nervously in case anybody had overheard her. ‘With me?’ she hissed.

  ‘No, of course not. She doesn’t know about you, does she? She doesn’t know who with. She’s just suspicious because of all the sneaking around.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Alison, with a confused expression.. ‘So just tell her – you’re not having an affair, you’re just coming to see me.’

  ‘No,’ said Ben quickly.

  ‘But why not?’

  He stared back at her blankly. What could he tell her? Certainly not that if he told Katy, they definitely wouldn’t be seeing each other again.

  ‘She’d be jealous,’ he lied.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said, looking away. ‘Keeps me on a short leash, does Katy.’

  ‘But jealous of me . . . with you?’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ Ben nodded. He pretended to watch a couple of lads kicking a ball about on a lawn in front of them. ‘Anyone, really. Must be the age gap thing.’

  ‘But we’re nowhere near finished,’ Alison protested. ‘There’s still so much I need to tell you. Millie’s not in a reliable sleep pattern yet, and I know you think you’re handling it really well, but what happens when she has a blip? When she’s getting more teeth, for example, and waking up four or five times a night and you’re so tired that you don’t know which way is up – what will you do then? Ask Katy what to do? Will she know what to do with a constantly crying, teething baby?’

  Ben stared back at her. He knew Katy wouldn’t have a clue and neither would he.

  ‘I’ll work it out,’ he said, trying to sound more confident than he felt.

  ‘But I can help you,’ said Alison. ‘Why wouldn’t Katy want you to have help, just because of some stupid jealousy? She’s as bad as Matthew, honestly she is.’

  ‘What do you mean, as bad as Matthew?’ Ben asked.

  Alison looked down and clasped her leather gloved hands together. ‘Well actually, we did have an argument about you on Friday night.’

  ‘What do you mean? Are you saying he knows we’ve been seeing each other?’

  ‘Yes,’ replied Alison. ‘Didn’t I tell you?’

  ‘No, you didn’t.’

  ‘Must have slipped my mind,’ she continued, not noticing Ben’s horror. ‘He was concerned for my safety, having a strange man in the house, so I had to tell him it was only you.’

  ‘And what did he say?’

  ‘Oh, he was fine with it. Couldn’t understand why Katy wasn’t helping you, but as I said to him, Katy didn’t seem to have many maternal instincts.’

  ‘So why did you argue, then?’

  ‘It was when you texted to tell me you’d managed to get Millie to sleep early. He got all silly about it, tried to tell me that I shouldn’t be helping you. He even demanded that I shouldn’t see you again.’

  Ben sank back against the bench. Matthew had known all along. What on earth must he be thinking?

  ‘I told him, it’s got nothing to do with him,’ Alison went on. ‘He’s not the one at home all day, is he? He hasn’t a clue. You have to find your new tribe when you have a career change like we both have, and often they’re the last people you’d expect them to be.’

  ‘Is that supposed to be some kind of compliment?’ asked Ben.

  ‘It is.’ Alison looked down at her hands. ‘I’ve actually really enjoyed seeing you.’ If Ben wasn’t mistaken there was a hint of colour in her cheeks. ‘It’s been so good to be with someone who doesn’t judge you. I hate the relentless scrutiny of the other mothers – just waiting for you to slip up, make a mistake, show any kind of weakness, all so they can feel better about their own shortcomings.’

  ‘I’m sure they’re not really thinking that,’ said Ben.

  ‘Believe me Ben, they are. They’ll all cut you some slack because you’re new and a man, but you just wait. Give it a couple of weeks and you’ll hear them whispering behind your back about the state your car seat is in or your inability to dress yourself and care for a baby.’

  Ben tucked his shirt in, his brow furrowed.

  ‘Actually, I think you’re wrong,’ he said. ‘The mums I’ve met so far have been quite sceptical of me to start with, but I’ve never felt judged. In fact . . .’ He leapt up so he could fish his phone out of his trouser pocket. ‘Take a look at this.’

  He searched on his phone and eventually managed to locate the Teenage Mums Facebook group page. Charlene had sent him the link, and he’d watched the film of his Music, Mummy and Me experience several times now and managed to see the funny side. He was also secretly quite proud of the comments that had been left underneath.

  ‘You are an inspiration,’ he read out to Alison. ‘I’ve ditched baby music class and me and Alfie are having a much better time hitting saucepans at home really loud. This next one’s my favourite,’ he said, pointing at the screen. ‘Listen. Thanks for showing you should just enjoy being with your baby. No longer being tortured by tambourines and stupid tunes. Turns out Chelsea LOVES One Direction.’ He turned and grinned at Alison. ‘Obviously I’m not proud of the One Direction bit, but not bad, eh?’

  ‘I don’t understand.’ Alison stared at him, open-mouthed. ‘What have you been doing?’

  ‘Oh, sorry, I never told you, did I? It was our first day and me and Millie got barred from Music, Mummy and Me. Can you believe it? I was mortified. Turns out I just happened to say what everyone else was thinking. Look, watch this.’ He tapped on the play button and let Alison watch the film of his first and only experience of baby music class. When it was finished she looked up at him speechless with shock.

  ‘You don’t approve, do you?’ he said. He should have known that Alison would be a supporter of anything that the so-called experts suggested would further her children’s development.

  ‘Well, say something,’ he urged. ‘Tell me I’m an idiot if you want. You know more about these things than I do. Was it a massive mistake? Have I scuppered Millie’s chances of being the next McCartney?’

  Alison shook her head in a daze, then looked over to her two babies.

  ‘I’ve got it wrong, haven’t I?’ said Ben, panicking at Alison’s lack of response. ‘I should have stuck with it. Millie’s going to be deformed or something because I couldn’t stand sitting in that class with her like I should have done.’

  ‘No,’ said Alison at last, gripping his arm in her hand. ‘You haven’t got it wrong. I’m just thinking that perhaps . . .’ She swallowed as if she couldn’t quite believe what she was about to say. ‘Perhaps it’s me who’s got it wrong.’

  Ben gasped.

  ‘Maybe I have got it wrong,’ Alison continued, looking pale. She stared at her children as if she was seeing them for the first time. ‘I’m raising my children by the book because I’m petrified that if I don’t I’ll be a bad mother.’ She looked like she might cry any minute.

  Ben looked around awkwardly. He didn’t want to be sitting next to a crying mother of twins. You could get locked up for that. He put his arm around her to try and prevent any further upset.

  ‘I’m doing it all wrong,’ she said, tears brimming.

  ‘No,’ said Ben, as a rejection of both her tears and her statement. ‘You’re not. If it wasn’t for your organisational prowess I would still be at the super-stressed, super-stupid, dipshit stage, and hating every minute of it. I need you to tell me all that practical stuff so I can enjoy myself with Millie.�
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  Alison sniffed and raised her head to look at her babies again.

  ‘I’ve taken it too far,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘All I think about is planning and organising. It’s all I ever dreamed of for so long, and I’m not even taking the time to enjoy it.’

  ‘You just need to chill out,’ Ben shrugged. ‘Enjoy being a family, not conducting a military operation.’

  Alison bit her lip and nodded.

  ‘Who’d have thought it, eh?’ Ben gave her a cheeky grin. ‘I end up giving you advice on childcare. If we were together we’d make the perfect parents.’

  Alison blushed again.

  ‘And we both make a mean video. There’s you with your top-quality carrot puréeing and me with my harassment of childcare professionals – we should have our own TV show.’

  Alison managed to raise a smile.

  ‘Speaking of which, I showed Charlene the clip of you doing your cooking demo, I hope you don’t mind. She wants to put it on her Facebook page too, but I said she had to ask you first. She said you were so much better than the health visitor, who’s a complete arse . . . in her words. She said you did it like they’d do it on Blue Peter, like anyone could understand.’

  Alison stared back at him wide-eyed, still looking a little shaken at the unexpected revelations that the afternoon had brought.

  ‘No,’ she said eventually. ‘They’re not very good, really.’

  ‘Alison, they are brilliant. You should do more, seriously.’

  ‘No, I don’t think so,’ she said.

  ‘Go on,’ said Ben. ‘Think of all the parents you’d be helping to get the basics right so they can spend the rest of the time enjoying their kids. And,’ he said, slapping his hand against his head as he made an epic realisation. ‘If you carry on doing your videos then I can get your advice without us having to see each other. Genius.’

  Alison looked away quickly.

  ‘No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,’ Ben said hastily. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to see you, it’s just . . .’ He tailed off. He couldn’t explain that their unlikely friendship was doomed by the secret he had to keep from her. ‘It’s just that, you know, I can’t explain it to Katy.’ He stared at her, praying she could understand something of the utter gibberish he was talking.

  Alison slowly raised her eyes to meet his.

  ‘I can understand why Katy feels maybe a bit threatened by me,’ she said.

  ‘Yes,’ said Ben. Why hadn’t he thought of saying it like that? ‘That’s it. She’d be so threatened by you. You’ve got this mother thing licked and I’m not sure she’d cope well with that at all.’

  Alison nodded slowly.

  ‘Perhaps I could do some more videos,’ she said. ‘If you really think they’re that helpful.’

  ‘Totally,’ said Ben. ‘I would be a gibbering mess without you. And like I said, I’m sure there are other stay-at-home dads who would be only too happy to get your help as well as a bit of eye candy.’ He smiled and gave her a nudge.

  She gave him a weak smile back.

  ‘And the other people on YouTube are terrible,’ she said. ‘I did actually watch some after you said that’s where you’d learned how to use your steriliser. Those women make the rest of us mothers look like idiots.’

  ‘So you’ll do some, then?’ asked Ben.

  ‘Okay,’ she agreed. ‘I will if you think they’re helpful. I’ll need you to give me a hand me, though.’

  ‘Why?’ he asked, panicking. This was all about not seeing each other again, not inventing another reason to be together.

  ‘Well, I can’t film myself, can I? And I’ve no idea how you put these things on the internet.’

  ‘Of course you can film yourself. You just need a mini-tripod or something, and uploading is easy.’

  Alison looked back at him blankly and helplessly.

  ‘Do you want me to come and show you?’

  Alison nodded.

  ‘Alright, then.’ How could he say no? He’d see her one last time, sort her out with video sharing, then that would be it. Sorted. It would finally all be over.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Matthew hovered.

  Matthew paced.

  Matthew stopped pacing, dived into a coffee shop and drank a double espresso.

  Matthew stood outside the door of the advertising agency and felt his heart beat extremely fast. Calm down, he told himself. This is a simple exercise. He would go in. Ask to see Katy. Calmly and clearly explain what had been happening and request her assistance in preventing Ben from spending any more time with his wife. Easy. What was there to be nervous about? The fact that the last time he’d seen Katy was on the labour ward when he’d offered to leave his wife for her was all water under the bridge. Surely Katy would have taken enough drugs during childbirth to be inclined to think it had been a hallucination of some sort. It was all in the past and they were on to another catastrophe now, which just needed some attention and then everything could go back to normal. Couldn’t it?

  He took a deep breath, pushed through the door and headed towards the receptionist.

  ‘Hello.’ He coughed, trying to rid his voice of the nervous squeak. ‘Could I see Katy Chapman, please?’

  The woman wrinkled her brow. ‘Are you here for a meeting?’

  ‘No, it’s a personal matter. I just need to tell her something. It won’t take long. I know where her office is; I can wait in there if she’s busy.’ He turned to head for the lift.

  ‘I can’t allow that,’ the receptionist shouted after him. ‘You can only go up there if it’s an emergency and you’re a close friend or relative.’

  Matthew turned on his heel and faced her stern gaze.

  ‘It’s an emergency,’ he said finally. ‘Death in the family.’

  ‘Oh, I see. Are you her partner?’

  He stared back at her.

  ‘Yes,’ he muttered.

  ‘But I thought Katy’s partner was a PE teacher?’ She frowned. ‘You don’t look like a PE teacher.’

  Matthew looked down and gulped. He felt weedy. He always felt weedy when compared with Ben.

  ‘I’ve just come from the funeral directors, and I need to talk to Katy about something really quickly.’ He looked down at his shoes, hoping the receptionist would read this as a signal that he was struggling with his emotions and she really should let him do whatever he needed to do.

  ‘Okay then. You can go up now,’ was all he heard.

  He nodded, then turned to walk towards the lift. He pressed the button and stood waiting, keeping his buttocks taut in case the receptionist spotted any further evidence he wasn’t the sports-mad Adonis she’d envisaged.

  He emerged from the lift on the second floor, praying it would come flooding back to him where Katy’s office was. It didn’t. He prowled the corridors hoping for some sort of reminder but none came. Instead he found himself peering into offices then having to avert his eyes quickly from the cool-looking ‘creative’ types inhabiting them, who eyed his boring suit with disdain.

  Having done two laps and convinced he’d looked into every office, he found a stairwell and traipsed up to the next floor, hoping he would have more luck there. He did. Immediately. He opened the door to the main corridor and slammed straight into Daniel.

  ‘Steady, watch where you’re going,’ Daniel said as he expertly swerved a cup of coffee out of harm’s way.

  ‘Sorry,’ Matthew muttered.

  ‘Oh my God!’ exclaimed Daniel. ‘Matthew?’

  Bloody hell, thought Matthew. Daniel was a complication that he didn’t need right at this moment.

  ‘I just need to tell her something, that’s all,’ he blurted out. ‘Just tell me where she is and I’ll be gone in ten minutes, I can assure you.’

  ‘Oh no,’ said Daniel, shaking his head vigorously. ‘We are not going through that again. Leave, Matthew. Whatever it is you have to say, it’s not welcome. You and her, in the same room? In the same building? Are y
ou insane? Think of your family.’

  ‘I am thinking of my family,’ he said, stamping his foot like a child. ‘And Katy’s. We have to stop him before it’s too late.’

  ‘Stop who?’ asked Daniel, ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Ben,’ said Matthew in desperation. ‘He’s taking advantage of her and it will all end in tears, I know it will.’

  ‘You know about Ben?’ asked Daniel, incredulous. ‘How do you know about Ben?’

  ‘You know about Ben?’ Matthew questioned in amazement.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Katy told me. And for the record, I think it’s probably just a storm in a teacup and I’ve advised Katy to let it blow over.’

  ‘Are you some kind of idiot?’ Matthew exploded. ‘This relationship is toxic. It could all blow up in our faces at any point.’

  ‘And what on earth has it got to do with you?’

  ‘Because he’s flirting with my wife! It’s got everything to do with me.’

  ‘Who is?’

  Matthew stopped. There was something off about this whole conversation, but he wasn’t sure what it was. The two men stared at each other, confused.

  ‘Ben has been spending time with my wife and I need Katy to help me put a stop to it,’ said Matthew emphatically.

  Daniel continued to stare at Matthew, his eyes widening.

  ‘KATY!’ he bellowed.

  ‘WHAT?’ came a shout from somewhere down the corridor.

  ‘I need you in the conference room, right now,’ he shouted back.

  Two minutes later Katy bustled into the conference room. Daniel sat at the head of the long boardroom-style table, his elbows resting on the arms of his chair, his fingertips drumming together. Matthew stood with his back to the room, staring out of the window over the concrete spires of Leeds.

  ‘This had better be good,’ said Katy as she closed the door behind her. ‘Crispy Bix will be here any minute.’

  ‘Katy,’ said Matthew, turning around.