No-One Ever Has Sex in the Suburbs: A Brand New Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘What, now?’

  ‘Yes. I presume your spreadsheet is on the desktop of the laptop?’

  ‘Yes, but—’

  ‘No buts. All I do all day is look at spreadsheets. I know spreadsheets. Breast milk in the fridge?’

  ‘Yes, but . . . that’s for emergencies.’

  ‘This is an emergency. I’m going to have the most stunning eye candy in Leeds on my arm tonight when we go out for dinner, so you’d better get down those shops and buy something to wear. Now off you go.’

  ‘Okay, okay, but you’ll—’

  ‘No buts. Leave,’ said Matthew, pushing her through the kitchen door. He ushered her out into the hall, closing the door behind them.

  ‘Take as long as you like,’ he continued, reaching for her coat. ‘I’m staying home all day.’

  ‘Don’t forget to—’

  ‘I am going to enjoy my children,’ said Matthew firmly. ‘I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.’

  Alison hovered for just a moment, looking quizzically into his eyes.

  ‘Of course,’ she nodded. ‘Actually, you’re right. You should enjoy them, that’s a really good idea. I don’t need to be in control of my children all the time, do I?’

  ‘That’s right, Alison,’ said Matthew. ‘Go and relax, and then we’ll try and have an entire meal at Grants tonight, shall we?’

  ‘I’d like that,’ she said, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek.

  ‘And then we’ll come home to bed,’ he said, catching her hand and squeezing it.

  ‘Matthew,’ she giggled, turning slightly pink. She turned to put her coat on and pick up her bag, then blew a kiss to her husband as she walked out the door.

  Matthew closed the door behind her and turned to lean against it, heaving a great sigh.

  ‘Boy, was that a close shave,’ said Daniel, still sitting patiently on a chair in the hallway. ‘You could have lost everything there.’

  Matthew looked up with a start.

  ‘Are you still here?’

  ‘I’ve been sitting quietly, not causing any trouble,’ Daniel said. ‘Would you like me to go with Alison? I think she could do with some styling tips.’

  ‘No,’ said Matthew just as the door flew open from the kitchen and Ben strode out. He looked at Daniel and Matthew, then took his coat from the rack and headed towards the front door.

  ‘Where are you going?’ cried Katy, running after him.

  Ben stopped inches from the door and breathed in and out slowly. He turned to face her.

  ‘What were you thinking?’ he said. ‘Coming here with . . . him?’ He didn’t even look at Matthew, just gave him a cursory nod.

  ‘Because you were here, Ben,’ she whimpered. ‘Because you were with Alison and we couldn’t let it continue. We had to put a stop to it.’

  He stared back at Katy, saying nothing.

  ‘Why would you do this?’ she asked. ‘Why turn to Alison? I don’t understand.’

  Ben looked from Katy to Matthew then back to Katy.

  ‘That much is obvious,’ he declared.

  He turned and left.

  ‘Go after him, then,’ urged Daniel, after the door slammed. ‘What are you standing there for looking like a Disney World cast member? Really, Katy, primary colours on a day like today. What were you thinking?’

  She turned to look at Daniel, still trying to process exactly what had happened over the last few minutes.

  ‘Daniel’s right,’ said Matthew. ‘I think you’ve got some work to do with that one.’

  ‘I really don’t think you are in any position to offer me relationship advice,’ she said through gritted teeth.

  He shrugged. ‘I think you’ll find that I handled the situation with Alison pretty well.’

  ‘I have to agree, actually,’ said Daniel. ‘Who’d have thought that all Alison wanted was for a caveman to claim her, pick her up, throw her over his shoulder and run into the woods with her. Genius move, Matthew. I commend you.’

  Matthew nodded briefly. ‘Thank you. Wish I’d realised that about five years ago, though.’

  ‘I don’t care what Alison wants,’ stormed Katy. ‘What am I going to do?’

  ‘Go after him!’ Matthew and Daniel shouted in unison.

  ‘Right,’ she said, heading for the door. ‘I’m going.’ And then she was gone, door slammed behind her.

  ‘Three, two, one,’ said Daniel just as the door was flung open again.

  ‘How?’ she cried, poking her head around the door. ‘We got here in Matthew’s car.’

  ‘Well, I can’t go anywhere. I’m looking after my children,’ said Matthew.

  ‘What am I going to do?’ she asked in despair.

  ‘There’s a bus that goes from the end of the street into town,’ Matthew suggested.

  ‘Great, let’s go.’ Katy grabbed Daniel by the arm.

  ‘Are we seriously going in hot pursuit of someone on a bus?’ he complained. ‘Have you lost your mind, Katy?’

  ‘Well, have you got any better ideas?’ she asked. ‘I don’t see you whizzing round the corner on a motorbike with a side car so I can hop on and chase a Vauxhall Corsa round the streets of Leeds.’

  ‘I was quite enjoying that little scenario until you mentioned the words Vauxhall and Corsa,’ replied Daniel.

  ‘So have you got any better ideas?’ she demanded.

  ‘Why don’t we call a cab?’

  ‘I’m not going to stand here waiting for half an hour for a cab to turn up,’ she said furiously. ‘Not exactly what you’d call going after him, is it? More like letting him get as far away as possible before I get my arse into gear.’

  ‘Look, there’s no need for you to take your frustration out on me,’ said Daniel. ‘Let’s get a high-speed bus into town, then, in the absence of any other means of pursuit.’

  ‘Right,’ she said. ‘What are we waiting for? Let’s go.’

  Matthew held up his hand. ‘You can’t go,’ he said.

  ‘Why not?’ she asked fearfully.

  ‘What about Millie?’

  ‘Oh my God!’ Katy’s hand flew up to her mouth. ‘I forgot all about her. I can’t believe it!’ She dashed into the kitchen to find Millie quite happily chewing on a plastic ring. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said, kneeling down to touch her. ‘I didn’t mean to forget you, honestly I didn’t.’

  ‘Are we seriously going in hot pursuit, on a bus,’ said Daniel, appearing behind her, ‘with a baby? It’s hardly CSI: Miami.’

  Katy looked up at him. ‘The hot pursuit will have to wait. I need to be a mum now. I think I’d better just take Millie home.’

  ‘You do realise you won’t be able to call it a hot pursuit, then, don’t you?’ he enquired. ‘Not after a delay of some hours when you do precisely nothing to catch up with him.’

  ‘I think Katy’s right,’ said Matthew, walking in with Rebecca in his arms. ‘She needs to act like a responsible parent.’

  ‘Oh fuck off, Matthew,’ said Daniel and Katy together.

  Chapter Thirty

  Katy stood outside the Brewery Tap and peered in through the window. She’d never been inside a microbrewery before. She wasn’t really sure what one was. Did they serve very small pints? Was the beer brewed by midgets? Probably not, because then it would be called a midget brewery, wouldn’t it? But would a midget brewery just be for midgets? The thoughts spun around in her head until she had to tell herself to stop because she was sounding like Braindead.

  She really hoped Ben was in here. She’d been round all his other haunts and drawn a blank until she’d resorted to sitting and having a coffee to warm up and try and rack her brains as to where she might find him. A bizarre experience in a pub at eight o’clock at night, sitting alone with a coffee surrounded by middle-aged men supping bitter. It had been the quickest cup of coffee she’d ever drunk as she tried desperately to think of any places he’d mentioned recently. He wasn’t answering his phone and she was thinking of resorting to Braindead when she suddenly reme
mbered him harping on about a microbrewery. Two possibilities in the city had been offered up by Google, and after drawing a blank at one where she’d been openly stared at by a scruffy-looking pair of heavy metal fans, she’d come literally to the last chance saloon: the Brewery Tap.

  She pushed the door open and surveyed the room, conscious that she was overdressed for a microbrewery on a Monday night. She’d wanted to look nice for Ben, attractive, borderline eye candy, perhaps. She was wearing make-up and long sparkly earrings along with a vivid red wool jacket. Her long legs had now fully recovered from childbirth and were set off nicely by a very short black velvet skirt and knee-high suede boots.

  She’d felt foolish, however, the minute she’d stepped into the first pub. No-one dressed that way on a Monday night in a back-street pub in the centre of Leeds. By the time she walked into the Brewery Tap she still wasn’t used to being appraised at the door. A loud wolf whistle greeted her and she was just about to turn and run when it was followed up by a familiar voice.

  ‘Fuck, me Katy. Microbrewery, not micro-skirt.’

  Katy had never been so happy to hear Braindead. She scoured the room until she saw him and Ben sitting in the corner nursing their pints. Ben was looking at her expressionlessly. He lifted his pint and downed it as she walked towards them.

  ‘May I join you?’ she asked as she reached their table.

  Ben nodded slowly as he placed his glass on the table.

  She eased herself down onto a chair.

  ‘You had a good day, Katy?’ asked Braindead.

  Katy and Ben slowly raised their heads to stare at him.

  ‘No, right, course not,’ said Braindead, nodding his head.

  Silence descended.

  ‘Good news is that me and Ben are mates again,’ Braindead piped up. ‘You know, after the fracas with that mate of Charlene’s. What was her name?’

  Ben and Katy continued to stare at Braindead.

  ‘What was her name?’ Braindead repeated.

  ‘Abby,’ Ben whispered.

  ‘That’s it, Abby,’ Braindead nodded. ‘Can’t believe I forgot. Anyway, do you think I should call her? You know, now you’ve told her the score, Ben? Now you’ve told her to never pounce on you again because you are totally in love with Katy and would do anything for her. And you mean anything, not just stuff like watching what she wants on the telly, even if it’s crap, or pretending to like drinking wine. No, the kind of anything you mean is giving up your job to look after Millie so she could go back to the high-flying job she loves and you can have enough money to move to the suburbs and have a fancy wedding that she wants and you don’t give a shit about. That is the kind of love you are talking about.’

  Ben and Katy continued to sit very still, staring at Braindead.

  ‘So should I?’ asked Braindead.

  ‘Should you what?’ muttered Ben.

  ‘Call Abby! Haven’t you listened to a word I’ve been saying?’ Braindead paused, swivelling his eyes between the two of them. ‘Sod it,’ he declared. ‘I’ll go home and call her now. What have I got to lose, eh? Nothing, that’s what. You don’t mind if I go now, do you, mate?’

  Ben shook his head.

  ‘Good to see you,’ Braindead said to Katy. ‘Just like old times, eh? Same time next week?’

  Katy nodded mutely as Braindead got up from his chair and left.

  Katy and Ben continued to stare awkwardly ahead, neither knowing what to say.

  Eventually Katy swallowed, knowing it really was down to her to make the first move.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said.

  Finally Ben looked at her. ‘What did you say?’

  ‘Thank you,’ she repeated, feeling her hormones start to swell and the first indication of possible tears.

  ‘What for?’ he muttered, looking back down at the floor again.

  ‘For giving up your job for me,’ she said, to the top of his head. She felt utterly ashamed. ‘I don’t think I ever said thank you.’

  Ben didn’t look up. His shoulders moved up and down to indicate he was still breathing, but that was it. When eventually he did look up, to Katy’s astonishment he had tears in his eyes.

  ‘I just wanted you to be proud of me for a change,’ he said. ‘Instead of being some hopeless layabout PE teacher, I wanted to be someone you could be proud to call your husband. Someone who was being a great dad to your daughter whilst you could concentrate on your career. Turns out I couldn’t get that right either.’ He looked down again and she watched his hand reach up to wipe something away.

  ‘We got thrown out of Music, Mummy and Me,’ he said, looking back up.

  ‘What? Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘I thought you’d think I was a failure,’ he said. ‘I didn’t get it. It was just too . . . weird. I couldn’t make any sense of why we were doing what she said so I got arsey with her and she threw me out. Told us never to come back.’

  Katy was just to about to interject when he launched into his next confession.

  ‘Then I couldn’t get the sodding steriliser to work. I know you’d shown me, but I just thought it would be a piece of cake so I didn’t really listen. I couldn’t make it do its thing, and I was panicking because we had no bottles sterilised and I thought I was going to murder Millie because of dirty bottles, so I did the unthinkable, well, actually, I did two very stupid things.’

  ‘What?’ said Katy, wide-eyed. What else hadn’t he told her?

  ‘I roped in Braindead and Charlene to help me. What was I thinking?’ He made his hand into the shape of a pistol and pretended to fire it into his own head. ‘Braindead nearly totalled the damn thing with a screwdriver and Charlene . . . well,’ he stopped, biting his lip. ‘To start with she just told me to watch videos on YouTube to help me work baby stuff out.’

  ‘YouTube?’ Katy echoed.

  ‘Yeah,’ Ben nodded. ‘Melissa from Minnesota showed me how to use a steriliser.’

  ‘You’d rather ask Melissa from Minnesota for help than me?’

  ‘I just didn’t want you to think I was an idiot. Then when I had a bit of a meltdown because I wasn’t coping, Charlene said she had the answer to all my problems, only I didn’t realise she meant Alison. She just arrived on my doorstep with her . . . and Abby.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Katy. ‘I see.’

  ‘I didn’t invite them, I swear I didn’t, but once she was there Alison made it seem all so simple, somehow. She knew exactly what to do. She could even make me look like I knew what I was doing.’

  ‘But why didn’t you just ask me? Talk to me, tell me you were struggling?’ asked Katy.

  Ben shrugged.

  ‘You succeed in life, Katy,’ he said. ‘That’s what you do. I thought at the very least I could succeed at this.’ He shrugged again and she thought she saw the hint of tears coming back. ‘But it’s so hard,’ he said, a single tear spilling down his cheek. ‘It’s . . . it’s just so relentless,’ he gasped. ‘They need you all the time. You think they’re only small, they can’t make you jump through hoops, but they do. Constantly. And then they cry and you have no idea why, so there’s nothing you can do but ride it out until they finally stop because you’ve given them a different-coloured spoon to suck. None of it makes any sense!’ He drew breath, staring wildly at Katy. ‘And then there’s all this stuff you should know, like out of nowhere. Like when to start giving them proper food, so you panic and you Google it and then you get fifty different opinions so you ask the health visitor, who talks complete and utter gibberish, so you, a complete and utter novice, have to decide which one to believe. What the hell is that all about? I mean seriously. How long have we been raising children as a civilisation and we still can’t decide when to start weaning? It’s utterly ridiculous. We’ve abolished many life-threatening diseases, cloned a sheep, put a man on the moon, but deciding if apple or carrot is the best first food for our kids . . . no-one is brainy enough to work that one out.’

  Katy knew exactly how Ben felt. She’d spent
most of the first few weeks with Millie feeling bewildered, confused and like she’d landed on a different planet where she understood nothing.

  ‘No-one appreciates how hard it is,’ Ben went on. ‘There’re all these people out there doing this job which is fucking impossible, quite frankly, and yet no one realises, no-one appreciates it. No-one.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ said Katy, grabbing his hand. ‘I appreciate it, I really do.’

  ‘And to top it all,’ said Ben. ‘Do you know what the worst of it is?’

  ‘No,’ said Katy, bracing herself.

  ‘I’ve turned into my bloody mother. No-one appreciates me, no-one knows what I do for this family,’ he said in a mock girly tone with his hand on his brow and a hint of a smirk on his lips.

  ‘I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you,’ said Katy. ‘I know I didn’t show it when you first offered to look after Millie. But . . . but I was where you are now, at the end of my tether, failing every day, thinking I was a rubbish mum.’ She hesitated, wondering whether to make her next confession.

  ‘I guess a bit of me didn’t want you to succeed because that would make me feel less terrible about my failings.’

  Ben didn’t say anything, just breathed out slowly.

  ‘I shouldn’t be surprised you ended up asking Alison for help,’ she continued. ‘It would have been pretty pointless asking me. I just wished you’d told me, so I didn’t have to go and get all jealous that someone else was sniffing round you.’

  ‘You were jealous, were you?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Katy. ‘I know that you wouldn’t ever do anything like that and I feel absolutely terrible for thinking you might.’

  ‘I never would, you know.’

  ‘I know,’ she replied. ‘But it would have been no less than I deserve, wouldn’t it?’

  Ben didn’t reply.

  ‘Daniel reckons I’ve been waiting for you to punish me for what I did. That’s why I found it so easy to believe you were having an affair.’

  ‘I don’t want to punish you,’ said Ben. ‘That’s all done. It’s in the past. That is until I stupidly got myself involved with Alison again.’

  Katy gave him a watery smile.

  ‘Then why won’t you have sex with me?’ she asked quietly.