It was a simple gesture, but it left him breathless. He stared at the tableau before him, blinking as Kenny tore into the scene, skidding to a stop at Shelby’s side and taking her hand.
The doorbell sounded again, breaking the spell.
Parents started to arrive in a steady stream to pick up their daughters. Matt pushed through the door with a sleeping bag and a satchel on his fourth trip to a car. Shelby was on the porch saying goodbye to one of the girls and her mother.
“Mrs. Durrant, I can’t thank you enough for doing this. I wish I could let Addison have a slumber party, but I don’t think I could stand the chaos. You’re a brave mother.”
Matt stopped cold. His started to correct the woman, but common courtesy told him to let it pass. His gaze locked with Shelby’s, and he saw his own discomfort reflected in her soft brown eyes. Mrs. Durrant. His wife.
Shelby retreated into the house. He deposited the last guest’s belongings in their car and waved goodbye. Slowly he started back inside. Cassidy and Shelby were wrapped in a bear hug when he entered the living room. “I love you. Thank you so much.” Cassidy tilted her head back and gave Shelby a huge smile.
“You’re welcome, sweetie. I had a great time, too.”
Cassidy yawned and stepped back. “I’m going to bed. I’m sleepy.”
Shelby watched her go, a tender smile on her face. She turned to him and the smile vanished. His heart pounded. Realization hit him like a sledgehammer to his chest. She belonged here, with him, in his home as surely as he did. She started around the room, picking up glasses and half-empty snack bags. He moved toward her, taking her wrist in his hand as she reached for an empty bowl. “Leave all this. I’ll do it later. You’ve done enough. More than enough, and I’m so grateful. Cassidy had a wonderful time.”
“Me, too.”
He held her wrist, pulling her around to face him. He looked into her eyes and saw her anxiety reflected back at him. Being back together had rekindled embers long damped. He wanted to hold her again, kiss her and never let her go. He was losing his battle, trying to keep her out of his heart. Trying to keep his own heart safe from loss. Touching her face, he said, “How can I ever thank you for what you’ve done?”
“No thanks are necessary. I love spending time with your children.”
“What about their father? Do you like spending time with him?” He hadn’t intended to ask that question, but now he found himself bracing for her answer.
“I always have.”
She lowered her lashes, but not before he saw the love in her eyes. The same love that had burned so strongly fifteen years ago. Instead of filling him with joy it filled him with fear. This rekindled romance didn’t have a happy ending. It couldn’t.
She was so loving. So amazing. “Why haven’t you ever married? You should have a family of your own.” Sadness flashed through her eyes before she looked away.
“I never found anyone who— Anyone I wanted to spend my life with, I guess.”
He reached out to her but she stepped away, a stiff smile on her face.
“I’ve got to go. I’m too old to have this much fun. I need a long nap, too.” She slipped past him and walked to the door, closing it behind her. His house and his heart felt empty.
*
Fatigue and letdown from the slumber party hit Shelby the moment she entered Gramma’s house. But after a long nap, a shower and a healthy meal, she was feeling human again.
Pouring another glass of tea, she set her new laptop on the kitchen table and waited for it to power up. She had to work on something. Otherwise her conflicting emotions would tie her in knots. How was she supposed to watch Matt’s children and pretend that they hadn’t shared that earthquake of a kiss? How could she go along acting as if they were friends when she wanted more? The answer was she couldn’t.
In the shower, the water had released the fatigue and tension; it had also washed away her emotional cobwebs and showed her what she needed to do. It was time to go back to New York. Funny thing was, she didn’t want to. There was nothing there to go back to but an empty apartment and probably the unemployment line. But she couldn’t stay here either. She couldn’t stay here in Dover and see Matt and the kids and not be part of their lives. She couldn’t be content with being simply a neighbor and friend. She loved them too much. She wanted to be with them forever. But how did she get past the wall between her and Matt?
Gramma was due home in a few days. She’d spend the week with her, then go back up north on the weekend. It was the right thing to do. Shelby pressed her lips together to keep from crying. She opened her email and scanned the long list. One from her boss caught her breath. The decision about the future of Harmon Publishing would be announced at a special meeting Monday morning.
Waves of uncertainly and dread crashed into her mind. Quickly she read through the other emails, trying to find some hint of what was to come. Opinions among her colleagues ranged from minimum layoffs to a complete shutdown of the company. Either way, she, along with many others, were likely looking at unemployment.
Worrying about her health was scary enough. Worrying about her livelihood was paralyzing. Thankfully, she had savings and a few investments, but they were for her retirement, and she didn’t want to tap those funds unless it was an emergency.
If she’d learned nothing else from this journey home, she’d learned to let go of things she couldn’t control. But that meant keeping her mind on something else. Unfortunately, the something else was that kiss.
What she needed was something fun and creative to do. Like her plan for an online magazine. Ideas had been rolling around in her mind from the moment she’d awakened that afternoon and she couldn’t wait to get them organized. Within a few hours she had a rough draft of her magazine all laid out.
The knock on the door was a unwelcome intrusion. “What now?” Growling under her breath, she went to the door, surprised to find Matt on the other side. The sight of him brought the kiss vividly to her mind, weakening her knees. She swallowed and tried to shove it aside. “Oh. Hey.” He smiled, which started her memories replaying again.
“Do you have a minute? I’d like to talk to you.”
She couldn’t imagine why he was here. There wasn’t anything to talk about. “Sure.” She stepped back, allowing him to enter. “Let’s go to the sunroom.” She led the way, acutely aware of him behind her. They’d formed a comfortable friendship over the last weeks, but the kiss and his distrust had put them on shaky ground again.
Entering the sunroom, Shelby quickly wished she’d suggested the formal living room instead. This room was too small, too intimate. She motioned for him to sit and took a seat in her favorite chair in the corner, a safe distance from Matt.
She waited. Matt sat on edge of the chair, forearms resting on his thighs. She sensed his tension.
“Shelby, I wanted to thank you again for chaperoning the party. Cassidy hasn’t stopped talking about it. She’s on the phone now reliving every moment with her friends.”
“I’m glad. But you thanked me this morning, Matt.”
He nodded. “But I didn’t apologize for doubting you. I should have known you’d never do that to Cassidy.”
“Apparently not. But this isn’t about me. It’s about you. You’ll never forgive me for leaving you, and I understand.” Shelby stared at her hands. “I guess no matter what I do, you’ll never trust me fully. So let me apologize to you. I’m sorry for breaking our engagement. I’m sorry I didn’t wait and try to understand. I’m sorry I didn’t try and contact you again. It just wasn’t meant to be.”
Matt shook his head. “When you didn’t show, when I couldn’t get in touch with you, it was like reliving that old hurt. Only this time it was going to hurt my daughter.”
“I love that little girl.” Tears sprang up in her eyes, and she quickly swiped them away.
Matt stood and came toward her, taking a seat on the ottoman beside the chaise. “I’m sorry. When it comes to my kids, I’m a bit—�
�
“Overprotective?”
“Now you sound like my dad.”
Matt reached out and touched his fingers to the back of her hand. “There’s something else I want to sort out.” He looked into her eyes. “What happened between us the other night.”
Shelby chewed her lip, fighting the mounting anxiety in her stomach. She was afraid to look at him. “There’s nothing to sort out. We both got caught up in old feelings. Being together so much complicated things. It didn’t mean anything.”
“Is that how you really feel?”
She wanted to believe it was disappointment she heard in his voice, but she knew it was relief. He regretted kissing her and wanted to make sure it didn’t happen again. “Why do you want to know?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m here, I guess. Having you back in my life, seeing you every day, made me remember what we once had.”
“That was a long time ago. Besides, it doesn’t matter. I’m going back to New York.”
“You’re leaving?”
“It’s time.”
“Just like that?” Matt stood and walked to the window, his hands resting on his hips.
“Not just like that. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be unemployed soon. I need to get back and start looking for another job.” What would he do if she told him the real truth, that she loved him and she’d never stopped? What would he say if she explained how much she wanted to be part of his life? His children’s lives? Nothing could change the fact that she had health issues. She couldn’t guarantee something more serious wouldn’t crop up. The risk would always there, hanging over her head, and she would never ask him to endure that with her.
There remained one more painful task. She had to tell the children she was going back home. In some ways that would be the more difficult task because three hearts would be broken, and she knew hers would never, ever heal.
“But what about my kids? They’ll be upset. Heartbroken.”
“I know. But I’ve tried to prepare them. I never told anyone I’d stay here permanently. And besides, there’s no reason for me to stay. Is there?”
Matt blue eyes darkened. “No. None that I can think of.”
Chapter Twelve
Shelby exited the side door in the Hope Chapel sanctuary and started toward the parking lot. She’d joined Pam and her family at church today. But with Matt and the children seated in her direct line of sight to the pulpit, she’d found it hard to concentrate on the sermon. The moment the benediction was finished, she quickly made her departure and headed for the door. She wanted to avoid Matt. Speaking to him would only shatter what was left of her broken heart. She unlocked her car, only to freeze in her tracks when she heard her name called.
“Miss Shelby.”
Cassidy and Kenny ran up to her. Matt followed a short distance behind.
“Gramma and Grandpa are coming home from Dallas today. We’re going to pick them up at the airport. You wanna come?”
Kenny nodded, taking Shelby’s hand as if to pull her along with him. “Yeah, our uncle Ty is getting better, so they can come home now.”
She’d like nothing better. If she had her way, she’d do everything with these precious children. “I’d like to, but I have something to take care of this afternoon. Say hello for me, though.”
“Okay.”
The children moved off and climbed into their SUV, which she realized was parked only a few spots away from her car. Matt stood in front of her. She forced herself to stay calm despite the knot of nerves in her stomach. “I’d like to take the kids for pizza later if that’s all right with you.”
Matt frowned. “Why?”
“I want to tell them I’m leaving. I thought it should come from me first.”
He held her gaze a moment then nodded. “All right. We’ll be back from Jackson around four. Call when you’re ready to go.”
Shelby watched him walk away. Ready to go? She wasn’t ready to go at all.
*
The house seemed uncomfortably quiet. Usually Sunday afternoons had a sweet peacefulness about them, especially when the kids were gone and he had the place all to himself. But instead of kicking back and watching a ball game, he was pacing like a caged beast, unable to sit still or focus.
Matt massaged his temple, trying to ease the tension building inside his skull. His children were with Shelby, learning she was leaving Dover and going back home. They were going to be heartbroken. Shelby believed his children would understand and accept her departure. He wasn’t so sure. His kids adored Shelby. Every word out of their mouths was prefaced with her name. She would leave a big hole in their lives when she left. One he had no idea how to fill.
Walking out onto the porch, his gaze went immediately to the house next door. A few weeks ago his life had been calm, orderly and safe. Now his children’s hearts were in danger and his own was shredded. He’d known from the start Shelby would go back to her career. So why did it hurt so much now that she was? Because he loved her, that’s why. No matter how hard he tried to deny it, Shelby held his heart.
A heart that could fail and take her away without warning. The very idea plunged a razor-sharp knife into his gut. He might love Shelby, but he couldn’t afford to love her. The risk was too great. It was best she was leaving. Once Shelby was gone, they could go back to their normal life and everyone would be better off in the long run.
He turned on his heel and went back inside and headed upstairs. As he passed Cassidy’s room, he glanced in and frowned. The room was a mess. Clothes and shoes were strewn all over the floor. Nail polish bottles lay on top of scraps of homework papers. Schoolbooks, pencils and backpack were tossed carelessly on her desk. Her bed was unmade. A small table in the corner was bulging with junk, haphazardly covered with a sheet.
Matt grimaced. It was time for his little princess to clean her room. He pulled off the sheet and small pieces of paper fluttered onto the floor. A large book shifted to the edge of the card table. A photograph caught his eye. Katie. He looked closer. It was a picture of his wife and children taken at an Easter-egg hunt several years ago. What was it doing here? Matt sorted through the items on the table. Large pages held photos of Katie that the kids had decorated with tiny trinkets and ribbons. A scrapbook.
He’d seen Shelby working on her grandmother’s scrapbook during the weeks she’d been here. She’d told him it was her therapy since being displaced from her job. He could easily imagine Cassidy wanting to do one, too. She wanted to do everything Shelby did. She was wonderful with his kids. For all his concerns about her, she’d never once disappointed him.
He sat down on the edge of Cassidy’s bed and looked through the book. He could detect Kenny’s hand in several of the pages. Shelby’s creativity was clearly visible, as well. He’d always envied her that ability. She found beauty in even ordinary things. It was as if she saw the world with different eyes than most people.
The doorbell echoed through the house. Quickly he replaced the items on the table and drew the sheet over them. Hurrying downstairs, he found his father waiting at the back door. “Hey, Dad. Is something wrong? News about Ty?”
Tom Durrant smiled. “Nope. I just left my best pair of sunglasses in your car.” Matt retrieved the glasses and invited his dad inside. He didn’t have to tell his father something was on his mind.
“So what’s troubling you? Care to talk about it?”
Maybe a different point of view would help him sort things out. “Shelby’s decided to go back to New York. She’s leaving in a few days.”
“Well, that’s not much of a surprise, is it?” Tom took a can of soda from the fridge and opened it.
“No. It’s probably for the best anyway. She took the kids for pizza to tell them. They’ll be heartbroken. They really like her.”
“Yes, they do. What about you? Will your heart be broken, too?”
“No.” The look on his dad’s face said he didn’t believe him for a second. “Maybe. Some. But it can’t work.”
“Why? Because she has a medical condition?”
“It complicates things, yes.”
“How so?”
“Because she is sick. She’s had a heart attack. How can I ask my kids to accept a mother who could die? I can’t put them through that again.”
“So you do love her, then. I mean, if you’re thinking about her being a mother to your kids.”
Matt stood and walked to the sink. “No. I’m not. I mean, if it were just me, then maybe, but it’s not.”
“Let me get this straight. You love Shelby, but she has a minor medical condition and might die at some point, so you can’t marry her because she’s not perfectly healthy.”
It sounded so callous and selfish when his dad said it.
“Tell me, do you regret marrying Katie? Do you regret having those two precious kids with her?”
“Of course not. I loved every minute of our life together.”
“So if she’d never been a part of your life, what would you have missed?”
“Everything wonderful and—”
Tom rose and came to his side, resting a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Let go of the fear, son. It’s time to move forward. Even Job received a new family out of God’s grace. Give the Lord your broken heart. Let Him put the pieces back together.”
How was it possible to love someone so much yet be so afraid of that love? And how did he let go of the fear of being hurt again? His dad was right about one thing. The Lord couldn’t fix a broken heart if you didn’t give Him all the pieces.
*
Shelby watched the stunned expressions on Cassidy and Kenny’s faces, bracing for their response. She’d broken the news that she would be leaving Dover at the end of the week. Their sad little faces mirrored her own.
Cassidy tugged her straw up and down through the plastic lid. “Are you going back to New York?”
“Yes.” Cassidy looked at her with wide blue eyes, eyes like her father’s.
“Daddy kept telling us you’d leave one day. But I don’t want you to.”
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