by Leigh, Nerys
It was a few seconds before she replied. “I thought you wanted me.”
His gut dropped at the hurt in her voice. “That’s not what I meant.”
Her chair scraped across the floor, her skirt rustling as she stood. “Are you sure about that? Because I’m not.”
Before he could answer, she ran from the room. A moment later the bedroom door banged shut.
Daniel balled his hands into fists, pressing them into his thighs beneath the table until his muscles shook. He stood and walked into the parlour, feeling his way along the wall to the bedroom door. He could hear Sara’s sobs from inside and the sound ripped into his heart. All she’d done was support him and he had made her cry. What kind of a man would do that? He raised his hand to knock, intending to tell her how sorry he was and beg her forgiveness.
He stopped, his fist hovering in mid air.
Maybe this was for the best. If she saw how useless he was now, how he was nothing more than a pathetic excuse for a man who couldn’t do anything but cause her pain, maybe she would divorce him, leave, find someone who could look after her like she deserved. His heart tore at the thought of her in the arms of another man, but what could he do for her now? She should have so much more than he could give her. Her future would be nothing but misery and hardship if she stayed with him.
Shutting out the sounds of her distress, he turned away from her door and walked back through the kitchen and outside to the porch.
Where he sat on the bench and stared into the darkness.
Chapter 20
“It will be nice to see Amy and Lizzy and Louisa, and I hope Jo is well enough to come to church this week. If you don’t mind, I thought we could ask Pastor Jones to get the congregation to pray for you during the service. Since it says in the Bible if two people agree on anything God will do it, I think a whole church full of people in agreement should be more than enough.”
Daniel tried to relax as Sara chatted. He wondered what colour her dress was. Maybe it was the same one she’d worn last Sunday, but he couldn’t remember that one either. He pushed the cutlery around on the table in front of him.
“The eggs are almost ready,” she said, probably in response to his fidgeting. “Are you hungry?”
He moved his hands back to his lap. “No. Kind of.”
“Well, I’m doing plenty so you can have as much as you want.”
He didn’t feel like replying, so he just nodded. Not that he had any idea if she was looking at him to see.
He heard the back door open.
“There are so many good things about having a woman around,” Will said as he walked in, “but I think my favourite is the food. I can smell those eggs almost all the way to the bunkhouse. Good morning, Sara, Dan.”
“I wasn’t expecting to see you before we left,” Sara said. “You look nice. Going somewhere?”
A chair scraped on the floor and the table nudged a little as Will sat. He hesitated before replying. “Actually, I was thinking I’d come with you.”
“To town?”
“To church.”
Her reply took a few seconds to come. She was probably as stunned as Daniel. “It’ll be nice to have you there.”
Daniel didn’t bother to hide his snort.
“What?” Will said.
“I go blind, you go to church. Maybe I should have tried this years ago.”
“Daniel!” Sara said with a hint of reproach in her voice that he no doubt deserved.
“Well, someone got up grumpy today,” Will said.
Daniel knew he should have been happy that Will was finally going to church, but that particular feeling wasn’t in his emotional vocabulary lately. “You’re just going to try to bargain for your crippled brother. Well don’t bother. You think you have anything to offer that God wants? You think any of us do?”
Even the sounds of Sara’s cooking stopped. Long seconds of silence followed.
Daniel pushed his chair back. “I’m not hungry. You can eat without me. And I won’t be going to church. Get them to pray for me or don’t, I don’t care.” He stood and felt his way back into the parlour, pulling the door shut behind him.
By the time he reached the settee and collapsed into it, his hands were shaking. He clasped them together in his lap. He would have prayed, if he’d been doing that anymore.
Muffled voices drifted through the kitchen door, but he couldn’t tell what they were saying. Not that it mattered. All he wanted was to be left alone to... what? Feel sorry for himself? Well, why not? If anyone had the right to a bit of self-pity, it was him.
No one came into the parlour. After a while, he began to feel sorry for himself about that too. He knew very well he deserved to be left alone, and that being left alone was what he wanted, but having them simply not come after him hurt. Stupid as that was.
After the amount of time it would take them to eat breakfast without him, he heard the door open. Footsteps he recognised as Sara’s entered.
“I’m just going to get my shawl and bonnet,” she said.
“Fine.”
Her footsteps moved away to the bedroom and emerged again half a minute later. “Are you sure you don’t want to come?”
At least she’d asked.
“I’m sure.”
He heard her soft sigh. “There are eggs in the skillet if you’re hungry. Be careful, it’s still hot. And I left the bread and butter on the table.” Her hand rested on his shoulder and a hint of her scent wafted to him. “I’ll be praying for you even if you don’t want me to.”
She lingered a moment and then her touch left his shoulder and her footsteps left the room. A few seconds later, the back door opened and closed.
Daniel was left with his chest in twisted knots.
What was wrong with him? He didn’t want to be like this to her, but his anger and frustration kept coming out and she was a convenient target. He despised himself for what he was doing. He’d been right the day before, she would be better off without him.
At the thought of Sara leaving, a pain stabbed through him so intense he doubled over, his head clutched in his hands.
“Why is this happening, God? What am I supposed to do?”
When no answer came, he curled into a ball on the settee, buried his face in the cushions and screamed.
~ ~ ~
Sara was quiet as Will drove the wagon towards town.
“You all right?” he said eventually.
All right. She didn’t know what all right was anymore. “I don’t know what to do. I feel like somehow he blames me for all this.” Tears pricked at her eyes and she drew in a deep breath. She didn’t want to arrive at church with her eyes red from crying.
“Well you can stop thinking like that right now,” Will said. “Dan doesn’t blame you, he’s just angry at the situation and you get the brunt of it, you being around him the most. He needs to get out of the house. I’ll do something about that tomorrow. But don’t you think for one second that he blames you, because he doesn’t.”
She knew he was right, but it didn’t make her feel any better. “Everything I do just seems to make it worse.”
Will sighed and looked up at the overcast sky. “Truth is, I don’t know what to do either. I’ve never seen him like this, but then he hasn’t ever faced anything he couldn’t overcome by hard work and perseverance before. He’s helpless and he hates feeling that way.”
Will knew Daniel better than she did, but she was learning how Daniel relied on his strength. And now it had been taken from him. She couldn’t blame him for being angry. As his wife it was her place to help him through the difficult times however she could, and if that meant enduring his frustration, she would, no matter how much it hurt. Wasn’t that what for better or for worse meant?
“Are you really going to church to pray for him?” she said.
Will shrugged. “To be honest, I’m not sure why I’m going. I just woke up this morning and knew I had to. And if it helps Dan, then it’ll be worth it.”
“You make going to church sound as if it’s a great chore.”
He looked uncomfortable. “I haven’t been for a long time. I’ll admit, I’m a mite nervous.”
She patted his shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll look after you.”
“I’d be obliged,” he said, his tone mock serious. “Those churchgoers can be pretty terrifying.”
~ ~ ~
Will offered to drop Sara off in front of the church before taking the wagon around to the back, but she declined.
If she was honest with herself, walking in completely alone felt a little daunting. People were bound to ask about Daniel and having Will with her would hopefully stop her from getting teary. She was also doing it so Will wouldn’t have to walk in alone either. At least, that’s what she told herself.
After Ginger and Rosie were settled with the other horses, Sara and Will walked around to the front of the church.
Immediately people approached them, asking how Daniel was (“He still can’t see, but the pain is much improved. No, he’s not here. He didn’t feel up to coming.”), how she was (“I’m fine, thank you. Everyone has been so good to us.”), and if they could do anything to help (“That’s very kind of you to offer. We are all right, but I won’t hesitate to ask if I need anything.”).
All the questions were directed at Sara. While they didn’t specifically ignore Will and many of them greeted him by name, everyone seemed confused by and even a little wary at his presence. Will, for his part, was unusually quiet. Sara felt for him. He looked even more daunted than she was. As they reached the door, she noticed him take a deep breath and swallow.
Mrs Goodwin embraced Sara the moment she stepped through the door. “I’m so happy to see you here, Mrs Raine.” Her eyes went to Will and then searched beyond him.
“Daniel didn’t feel up to coming,” Sara said, before the inevitable questions began.
Mrs Goodwin nodded and gave her a kind smile. “I understand. And it’s lovely to see you here, Will. Are you staying?”
“Yes, Mrs G, I’m staying.”
Her smile grew. “Well, good. I’ve got the biggest chicken roasting in the oven at home. If you can stop by afterwards, I’ll send you home with some.”
“Oh, Mrs Goodwin, that’s so kind of you, but you’ve given us so much,” Sara said.
“It’s no trouble.” She patted her hand. “There’s far too much for just Mr Goodwin and me.”
Sara smiled and said, “Thank you,” and hoped that one day she’d work out a way to pay her back for her kindness.
“Yes, thank you,” Will said with a grin. “From the bottom of my heart and my stomach, thank you.”
Mr Goodwin handed them each a hymnal and nodded his usual greeting. “Ma’am. Will.”
Sara wanted to be inconspicuous so she made a beeline for the back row, looking around for Amy as she did. She couldn’t see either her or Adam, but she would save them seats.
A child’s voice yelled, “Will!”
Sara spotted a dark-haired little boy of maybe three run through the maze of seats and legs and launch himself into Will’s arms. Will lifted him up, laughing, and spun him around twice before settling him on his hip.
A slightly frazzled looking young woman bustled up to them. Sara vaguely remembered having seen the two of them in church the previous Sunday. The woman was wearing the black that marked her out as being in mourning.
“Have you met Daisy Monroe and her son, Nicky?” Will said.
Sara shook her head and held out her hand to the woman. “It’s a pleasure to meet you both.”
“Likewise,” Daisy said, smiling brightly.
“Daisy, Adam, Jesse, Daniel and me and a bunch of us all grew up together,” Will said.
Daisy looked Sara up and down. “Now I can see why Daniel is so smitten with you.” She winked at Will. “Change your mind yet about finding yourself a pretty mail order bride too?”
He heaved an exaggerated sigh. “You sound like Dan. There will be no brides, mail order or otherwise, for William Raine. I value my freedom.” He glanced at Sara and smiled. “No offence. You know I think Dan is lucky to have you.”
She smiled back. “None taken.”
Daisy shook her head. “You’re impossible. It’ll happen one day, mark my words. You’ll find the perfect girl for you and realise how wrong you are and how right I am, as always.”
He rolled his eyes. “Now you sound like my ma.”
“Will you come sit with us?” Nicky said, turning pleading eyes on Will.
He glanced at Sara. “Well, I was planning on...”
“It’s all right,” she said quickly. “I’ll be fine.” Daisy and Nicky were the first people other than the Goodwins to treat Will like he belonged there.
“You’re welcome to come and join us,” Daisy said.
Sara looked towards the front of the church where Daisy had come from. There were already lots of people sitting there, people who would no doubt ask her about Daniel. Just the thought made her feel exhausted.
“That’s kind of you, but I think I’ll sit at the back and wait for Amy and Adam. I’d like some quiet time to pray before the service starts.”
Daisy reached out to give her hand a squeeze and lowered her voice. “I understand, believe me. Being around people while going through something so traumatic can be exhausting. If there’s anything I can do, or even if you just want to talk, I’m here.”
At the kindness in her voice Sara’s chest tightened and she had to blink her suddenly burning eyes a few times. And she’d been doing so well with not crying. “Thank you.”
Daisy let go of her hand and turned her attention to Will and her son. “OK you two, let’s get back to our seats before someone steals them.”
Will mouthed, ‘You OK?’ to Sara.
She nodded, adding a smile to reassure him.
“You can’t steal in a church,” Nicky said, his eyes wide. “God would see.”
“God sees you wherever you are,” Will said as they walked away. “Not just in church.”
The little boy’s brow furrowed in thought. “You mean, He can see everything we do all the time?”
“Yep.”
“Oh.” He continued to frown. It was clearly a concept he was going to be struggling with.
Sara found her way to the back row and sat, placing her shawl across the two seats next to her to stop anyone taking them. She opened her Bible to read but couldn’t concentrate, the door drawing her gaze more often than not. Lizzy came in after a while, Louisa after her, and Jo when it was almost time for the service to begin. None of them saw Sara hidden at the back and she didn’t do anything to attract their attention. She’d speak to them afterwards. For now, all she wanted was to sit quietly and see Amy when she arrived.
Finally, when almost everyone had taken their seats and Pastor Jones was up on the platform and Sara had given up hope, Amy and Adam walked in. She felt an indescribable relief as she waved them over and took her shawl from the seats.
“I saved them for you,” she whispered to Amy as she sat beside her. “I’m glad you’re here.”
Amy’s gaze moved beyond her to where Daniel would have been seated, if he’d been there. There was understanding in her eyes when she looked back at Sara. She took Sara’s hand and the simple touch made her feel so much better.
Difficult as being here without Daniel was, at least she wasn’t alone.
~ ~ ~
At the end of the service Adam diplomatically excused himself, leaving Sara and Amy to talk. Sara was grateful, although she couldn’t help but feel self-conscious that everyone seemed to think she needed special consideration.
“I know you aren’t staying, but he seems like a wonderful man,” she said as they watched him walk away.
She thought a hint was in order. The thought of Amy leaving filled her with a desperate sadness. If Amy decided to stay with Adam, at least one thing would be going right.
“He is,” Amy replied, her tone sugg
esting she agreed but would rather not discuss it. “How are you holding up?”
Sara looked down and tried to keep her voice steady. She wasn’t particularly ready to discuss things either. “I’m all right.”
Thankfully, Lizzy edged along the row in front of them and sat, taking the attention from Sara. Beyond her Louisa and Jo stood in the aisle.
“I would like to formally invite you two to lunch,” Lizzy said. “Just the five of us. Pastor Jones and Mrs Jones are going to be out for a couple of hours and they told Louisa we could use the house. I know it’s short notice, but I think we could all use the time to talk.” She reached over the back of her chair and took Sara’s hand.
Again the assumption that she was emotionally fragile. Did she look that pathetic? “I don’t know, I should probably get back...”
“Please?” Lizzy said, drawing the word out. “It wouldn’t be the same without you. I for one could really use your sage advice and I think the rest of us could too. Jesse said he’d take you, me and Jo home afterwards.”
“Lizzy’s right,” Amy said. “You’re the most stable of all of us.”
Lizzy nodded vehemently. “Exactly. The rest of us scatterbrains need you.”
Sara couldn’t help but laugh at their utter lack of subtlety. “All right, you don’t have to lay it on quite that thick. I’ll tell Will to let Daniel know I’ll be back later.”
Maybe it would do her good to spend some time with her friends. Daniel probably didn’t want her around anyway. She felt as if he rarely had in the past few days.
Lizzy squealed in delight, clapping her hands.
“I’ll go and tell Adam he can go without me,” Amy said.
As she left to find Adam, Jo and Louisa came to sit.
“How are you feeling?” Sara said to Jo in an attempt to pre-empt anyone asking her the same thing.
“Much better,” she said, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “I think I’ve just been eating too much wholesome food out here in the country.”
Lizzy nodded, her expression sombre. “All this fresh food and air and such., it’s not natural. It’s enough to make a person feel queasy all right.”