by Leigh, Nerys
As they all laughed, Sara felt glad she was staying. She’d missed them all being together like this.
In the aisle, Will walked past with Nicky in his arms. He disappeared out the door for a few seconds then returned alone. Sara excused herself and went to speak to him.
“The girls are having a lunch together and I said I’d join them, if you think you and Daniel will be all right without me for a few hours.”
“We’ll muddle through,” he said. “You just enjoy yourself. I’ll be stopping by the Goodwin house to pick up that chicken, so we won’t go hungry. We’ll try to save you some, but I can’t promise anything, what with it being Mrs Goodwin’s cooking and all.”
“I won’t hold it against you,” she said, smiling. “How did you like the service?”
He looked past her at the cross that hung on the wall behind the platform. “I’m glad I came. I didn’t realise how much I’d missed going to the Lord’s house. And the pastor’s sermon gave me something to think about.”
Pastor Jones had spoken on the prodigal son. Sara couldn’t help wondering if God had inspired the subject choice, knowing Will would be there.
“Did a lot of praying about Dan,” he continued, “although I’ve been doing that since Tuesday anyway. It’s been a while since I’ve spoken to God too. I’m feeling a bit more at peace about it now.”
Sara wished she could say the same, but she was happy for Will. “I’m glad. You think you’ll come again next week?”
One corner of his mouth hitched up. “I just might.”
When she returned to the little group of women at the back of the church, they were all watching her. She did wish people would stop doing that.
“All set?” Louisa said.
“All set,” Sara replied.
“My goodness,” Jo said, fanning herself with her hand, “who was that?”
“Daniel’s brother, Will. He works with Daniel on the farm and stays in the bunkhouse.”
“Well, I’ll say this for that family you’ve married into - they certainly know how to make them handsome.”
Louisa gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. “Jo! You’re a married woman!”
Jo smirked. “Married, not dead.”
There were a few seconds of silence. Louisa’s hand still covered her mouth, Sara assumed to contain her shock. But then a snort escaped from behind it.
Lizzy, her mouth pressed shut, began to giggle through her nose. Barely a second passed before they all burst into laughter.
Amy walked up to them. “What’s so funny?”
Pastor and Mrs Jones lived only a short distance from the church, on the same street, so they were there in only a few minutes. The five of them working together had the meal prepared and in the oven in under twenty minutes and they all gathered in the parlour with coffee to wait for it to cook.
As soon as they’d sat down Lizzy, Jo, Louisa and Amy all turned their sympathetic attention on Sara.
Poor Sara, who’d arrived with such high hopes and who was now struggling more than any of them.
Sara, whose husband may never see again and had all but shut her out.
Sara, who was losing her battle to keep herself together.
As her friends gathered around her, she burst into tears.
Chapter 21
Daniel lay on his back and stared up at the ceiling. At least, he would have been staring at the ceiling if he could have seen it. He strained to find even the faintest hint of light, keeping his eyes wide open and unblinking, as if that would help. After a few seconds they began to burn and he had to squeeze them shut. Open or closed, it didn’t make any difference to the complete blackness he lived in now anyway.
It was Monday morning. Usually on Monday mornings he’d be wishing it was Sunday so he could stay in bed for a bit longer. Today he would have given anything to not rest. Any more rest and he’d go insane.
“How are they feeling?” Sara said from somewhere to his left, her light footfalls and the soft rustle of her dress marking her progress towards him.
He opened his eyes. “There’s no pain, but they feel a bit dry.”
The bed dipped a little as she sat on the mattress beside him. Having her so close was almost physically painful. Half of him wanted to reach out and draw her to him, the rest wanted to push her away and tell her to leave him to suffer alone. He hated being so weak and helpless in front of her.
“Would you like to leave the bandage off for a while? The skin’s not quite healed yet, but a bit longer shouldn’t hurt.”
“Yeah, I would. That bandage is starting to make me crazy.”
He moved his hand to scratch at an itch, but Sara caught it in midair before he could. Her touch on his skin sent a shiver through his arm.
“Don’t scratch though,” she said, apparently oblivious to the effect her touch had on him. “You don’t want it infected.”
He managed to drum up a tiny smile. “Yes, Ma’am.”
She hadn’t let go of his hand and he found he didn’t want her to, even though he knew he should. Every day he woke up in darkness he came one step closer to losing her. There was no way he’d be able to support a wife, much less a family, while blind. She’d be better off without him.
But he didn’t want to let go of her hand.
They sat with their fingers entwined, not saying anything, for he didn’t know how long. It was as if neither of them wanted to disturb the simple intimacy of the touch. And Daniel wanted more, so much more, than just holding her hand. He wanted to pull her into his arms, feel her breath on his face, experience the taste of her lips, the warmth of her body pressed against his, the caress of her hands, to take her to his bed. To become truly one with his wife, joined for the rest of their lives.
He jerked as if struck, wrenching his hand from her grasp. He heard her sharp intake of breath, but he couldn’t bear her touch any longer, a reminder of what he couldn’t have.
His dream could never be a reality. Not now.
“I... I need to go and milk Peapod,” she said, her voice trembling.
And then she was gone and Daniel wanted to scream.
The back door opened again and for a moment he thought she’d come back. But the heavy footsteps weren’t those of his wife.
“Get dressed,” Will said, pushing his shoulder.
He wasn’t sure whether to be annoyed or grateful to his brother. “I am dressed.”
“I mean in your work clothes. I’m going out to the orchard and you’re coming with me. There are still cherries needing picking and I want your help with them.”
Daniel frowned. Now he was just annoyed. “You know I can’t help.”
The bed bounced as Will sat with much less gentleness than Sara had. “I know no such thing. Only your eyes are damaged, nothing wrong with your arms and legs. Get your lazy backside out of bed and get ready.”
Daniel glared in his direction. “Are you mocking me?”
Will huffed out a breath. “No, I’m dragging you out of this house. I’m tired of watching you feel sorry for yourself. The Daniel I know wouldn’t let anything stop him, even losing his sight.”
“Well maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”
A hand cuffed his shoulder, making him jump.
“Don’t be an idiot. You’ve been tormenting me since the day I was born. I know you better than I sometimes want to.” The weight on the bed lifted. “Now get up or I’ll drag you up. It’s time you started facing this like the man you are. Or at least used to be.”
The blanket was snatched from over him. Daniel reached for it blindly, flailed uselessly for a few seconds and then gave up and dropped his hands into his lap.
Maybe it would be better if he got out. At least then he wouldn’t have the torture of being around Sara all day, not knowing how to be there without causing them both pain.
He swung his feet to the floor. “Sometimes I wish Ma and Pa had stopped having children after me.”
“No you don’t,”
Will said, a smile in his voice. “If I hadn’t been around, you’d have had no one to irritate when we were growing up.”
Daniel pushed his feet into his boots. “I think you’ve got that backwards.”
~ ~ ~
Daniel turned towards the sun.
The warmth on his face felt good after being inside so much for the past six days. He was used to being outside most of the day, whatever the weather. But then there were a lot of things he was used to that he hadn’t been able to do since his injury.
The wagon bounced over a hole in the track. He knew exactly where that hole was, could picture it in his mind. He’d been meaning to fill it in, back when the thought never even crossed his mind that he would ever be incapable of doing it.
“OK, we’re here,” Will said as they came to a halt.
Daniel could detect the faint fruity aroma of the orchard and hear the gentle hum of a million insects as they collected nectar from the flowering trees. “What on earth am I going to be able to do here?”
“We’ll work it out.”
His expression must have betrayed his doubt.
“It’ll be fine, you’ll see,” Will said. “It’ll just take some getting used to.”
~ ~ ~
“Darn it!” Daniel threw the knife to the ground and clutched at his stinging hand. Sticky blood welled up between his fingers.
“Dan!” Will ran up to him. “Are you all right?”
“No, I’m not all right! I won’t ever be all right.” Tears of frustration and pain burned at the back of his eyes and he turned away. “I can’t do it! I can’t do anything.”
“Let me see your hand.”
Biting back his anger, Daniel opened his fist.
Will took his hand for a moment. “It’s not bad. I have to clean it though. I’ll get the water.”
“Don’t bother,” he said bitterly, “I’ll do it back at the house.”
“Dan...”
“Don’t you dare tell me it’ll be fine. It’s not fine! Nothing is fine!” He knew it was unfair to shout at Will, but he’d had enough. “I’ve tried everything and I can’t do any of it. I want to go back.”
“It’s only been a couple of hours...”
“A couple of hours, a couple of days, weeks, months, years. However long I give it, it’s not going to change. I’m still going to be useless.”
“Dan, you’re not useless.”
The certainty in Will’s voice just made it worse. Why couldn’t his brother give up on him the way he’d given up on himself? What was the point in denying it?
Daniel squeezed his eyes together, trying to stop the tears, but they soaked into his bandage anyway. He took a deep breath to calm himself. “Please, just take me home.”
There were a few seconds of silence before Will sighed. “All right.”
Bess pressed against Daniel’s leg, whining and brushing her nose against his injured hand. He lifted it out of her reach and stretched down his good hand to stroke her. She never liked it when he got angry, which used to be such a rare event. Not anymore.
Will didn’t speak to him on the whole ride home and that was fine by Daniel. He should never have allowed his brother to take him out there. What was the point? He hardly needed to be reminded of how everything he used to take for granted was now impossible.
He flexed his wounded hand and winced. He should probably have let Will clean it before they left though. Just another in the long list of simple tasks he could no longer do by himself. Couldn’t look after himself, couldn’t provide for a family, couldn’t protect his wife. Everything a man should do, he couldn’t.
His life was as good as over.
Chapter 22
Sara was somewhat surprised to see Daniel and Will drive into the yard as she prepared lunch. They’d barely been gone two hours.
She finished off the potato she was peeling, placed it into the pan with the rest and rinsed and dried her hands, ready to open the door as Will led Daniel to the porch.
“You’re back early,” she said as they walked in. “How did it go?”
She tried to keep her voice cheery, but neither of them looked like the morning had been a good one.
“I’ll let Dan take that one,” Will muttered before going back outside.
“Are you OK?” she said to Daniel.
He unfurled his hand and held it out to reveal a long cut across his palm, the dirt-encrusted blood beginning to clot.
“You’re hurt.”
Gently taking his hand, she led him to the sink and pumped out some water into a bowl. It took some time to thoroughly clean the blood and dirt from the wound and he was silent through the whole procedure, even when she knew it had to be hurting him. He was obviously angry and she longed to ask why, to help in some way, but she held her tongue. Lately he didn’t seem to want her help with anything.
When the cut was clean and had stopped bleeding, she took him to sit at the table and fetched clean bandages and iodine from a drawer.
Finally, unable to stand the silence any longer, she said, “So what’s wrong?”
He hissed in a breath through his teeth as she dabbed iodine onto the shallow cut. “What’s wrong is I can’t do anything anymore. I tried, but it’s pointless. I’m never going to be able to farm like this.”
The sheer hopelessness on his face broke her heart. “Maybe you just need to give it more time. There must be something you can do.”
“You sound like Will.”
She placed a pad of cotton onto his palm and held it in place with her thumb while she wound the bandage around his hand. “You can’t give up hope that your sight will come back. It’s only been six days...”
His free hand slammed onto the table. Sara jumped, startled.
“Six days!” he snapped. “You know the doctor said the longer I can’t see, the more likely it is I’ll be permanently blind. It’s never coming back, Sara. I’m going to be like this for the rest of my pathetic life.”
She touched her hand to his face, hoping to soothe his anger. “Your life isn’t pathetic. I know you can learn to live with this and you have Will and me. I can help with the farming. Will can teach me what to do and I can...”
He shook her hand away and stood. “Don’t you understand?”
Sara recoiled at the anger in his voice.
He turned his back on her and walked a few steps. “I don’t want you to do it,” he said, his voice shaking. “I don’t want your help. I don’t want you constantly telling me it will be all right. I don’t want my wife doing everything for me. I’m the man! It’s my job, not yours.” He leaned his uninjured hand against the wall beside the parlour door, lowering his head. “The best thing you can do is go. You have that money for the train ticket. Go home to New York and find yourself a man who can take care of you.”
Her stomach knotted inside her. “You... you want a divorce?”
There were a few seconds of silence.
“Yes,” he said quietly, bitterness in his voice. “I want a divorce.”
She stared at his back, numb with shock, barely able to believe what he was saying. He couldn’t mean it. Tears gathered in her lashes. “But...”
“Just leave me alone.”
She wanted to say something, scream something. She wanted to run to him and throw her arms around him. She wanted to run to him and beat her fists against his immovable, unbending, frustrating frame.
But all she could manage was to push down the pain blooming in her chest before it escaped in a sob.
Shaking her head, she stood from the table and backed away from her husband, the man who had promised his life to her and now, less than two weeks later, was telling her to leave.
Tears spilling down her cheeks, she turned and fled from the house.
Wiping at her face, she ran across the yard to where Will was unloading a box filled with freshly picked cherries from the wagon.
“Could you saddle Rosie for me, please?” she said, desperately trying to keep her vo
ice steady. She couldn’t gather her thoughts enough to do it herself.
Will’s eyes widened when he saw her. “Sara, what’s wrong?” He ran over to her and took hold of her shoulders, ducking his head to see into her eyes. “Did something happen? Is Dan all right?”
She pressed her lips together, nodding and trying not to burst into floods of tears. “Can you please just help me with the saddle?”
He frowned. “What did he do?”
When she didn’t answer, he let out a deep sigh and let her go. Sara walked away and wrapped her arms around herself, staring at the distant mountains while Will fetched Rosie from the paddock.
“You know I’m here for you, whatever you need,” he said when Rosie was ready. “And I’m going to have a serious talk with that idiot brother of mine.”
A teary, desperate laugh escaped. “You’re the best brother-in-law ever.”
He nodded solemnly. “Yeah, I know.”
~ ~ ~
Daniel rubbed the back of his hand over the bandage covering his eyes. What he really wanted to do was rip the loathsome thing off.
He raised his face to the ceiling. “Why have You done this to me?”
Heavy footsteps marched into the kitchen.
“What did you say to her?”
He turned away. “It’s none of your business.”
“It is my business when you make my sister-in-law, who has done nothing but be good to us, cry. You can shout at me all you want, but she’s done nothing to deserve being treated like that.”
A stab of guilt rocked him. “She was crying?”
“As good as. What did you say to her?”
When Daniel didn’t answer, Will gripped his shoulder and spun him round to face him.
“What did you say to her?”
Daniel batted his hand away. “I told her I wanted her to go back to New York and find another husband.”
There were a few seconds of silence. It occurred to him that Will might be gearing up to punch him.