by Leigh, Nerys
He was slightly relieved when all he did was shout.
“What is wrong with you?!”
“She should go. She’d be better off without me.”
“I swear, Dan, you’ve done some stupid things in your life, but this may be the stupidest. Do you have any idea how lucky you are? That woman is the best thing that has ever happened to you and she adores you, although right now I have no earthly idea why. You finally have everything you wanted and you’re trying to throw it all away.”
Daniel rounded angrily on his brother. “I’m blind! Don’t you get it? I’ve lost everything.”
“No, all you’ve lost is your sight. I’m praying that you will get it back, but if you don’t you can find a way to live with it. If you lose everything else it will be your own fault, and it would serve you right. It’s time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and dealt with this like the man you used to be.”
Will’s footsteps stomped away and the door slammed shut. Daniel wished he’d come back so he could shout at him.
Will had no right to tell him how he should be feeling or what he should be doing. Daniel couldn’t see. How was he supposed to live like that? How could he be the man he used to be without his sight? How could he be the man Sara deserved?
You made her cry.
His fury ebbed as the realisation of what he’d done began to truly sink in. He’d told her to leave him, to go back to New York, to find another man. When she did, she would take his heart with her.
He reached out his hand, found the back of one of the chairs at the table, and sank down onto it.
You made her cry.
Resting his elbows on his knees, he dropped his head into his hands.
“Please, Lord. Help me.”
Chapter 23
Sara brought Rosie to a halt in front of a large two storey house with lilies in the garden and a porch like Daniel’s, only bigger. There was even a bench that looked the same as theirs.
She’d galloped for the first half of the journey, the wind whipping against the moisture on her cheeks and burning her eyes, before slowing Rosie to a walk. Her tears had come and gone and now she just felt numb. It was a relief. Feeling anything else was too painful.
She hadn’t known where to go when she’d asked Will to saddle Rosie. Several destinations had gone through her mind as the mare’s steady gait lulled her raging thoughts. She’d considered both Amy and Louisa, and when she’d reached the turning that would have taken her to Lizzy’s home she almost went there. But one destination had come to her over and over. She wasn’t sure if it was God’s guiding or her own desire to gain understanding from the woman who knew Daniel better than she did, but here was where she’d known she had to come.
As she climbed down to the ground and looped Rosie’s halter rope around the hitching post in the yard, the door opened to the house.
“Sara?”
So much for feeling numb. With one look at Abigail’s concerned face, she burst into tears.
In seconds her mother-in-law’s arms were encircling her shoulders and she was being led inside. Sara buried her face in her hands, unable to halt her great, heaving sobs. Without seeing where she was going, she let Abigail gently guide her to a seat where she wrapped her arms around her and held her for a long time.
When Sara’s sobs finally petered out into sniffles, Abigail sat back and dipped her head to look into Sara’s eyes. “Is everyone all right?”
Sara nodded, feeling guilty she hadn’t thought to reassure her first, and fished a handkerchief from her pocket to blow her nose.
Abigail breathed out. “Good. So are you up to telling me what happened?”
Sara stared down at her hands in her lap, wrapped around the handkerchief. “It’s Daniel.” Just saying his name brought the hot tears back and she wiped her sleeve across her face. “He told me he wants a divorce. He said I should go back to New York and find a man who can take care of me.” She raised her burning eyes to Abigail’s face. “I don’t know what to do. Everything I say or do just makes it worse. He’s suffering so much and I don’t know how to help him. What will I do if he sends me away? I don’t want to be without him. I... I love him.” It was the first time she’d said the words out loud, but she knew without a doubt they were true. She loved Daniel, more than she ever thought it was possible to love anyone.
“I am so glad to hear that.” Abigail brushed Sara’s hair from her face where it had stuck to her tears and smiled. “You know, he was always so focused, even when he was young. Could do anything he put his mind to. So when he bought that old, run down farm I knew he’d make it work, and he did. Worked from morning ‘til night to get it going. Sometimes, in church, he’d be almost nodding off in his chair during the sermon, he’d be so tired. But he never gave up.
“Anyway, one day, about a year after he’d started, I asked him why he was working so hard, what it was all for. He told me that all he’d ever wanted was a happy family like he’d grown up in, with a wife to love and children to raise, and that was what would make his life complete. He was working to make the farm profitable before he took a bride, so he could provide for her like he felt he needed to.
“Four years later, he finally told his father and me that both the farm and he were ready and he’d asked Pastor Jones for help to find the wife he would share it all with. We were so happy for him, but as the months passed and he wrote to so many women and didn’t find what he was looking for in any of them, I began to think he’d waited too long or set himself up for failure.
“Then one day I was helping Mrs Jones with the flowers in the church and he came running in waving a piece of paper with the biggest smile on his face you’ve ever seen, and he said, ‘I’ve found her.’ That piece of paper was your first letter to him. He knew right from the start that you were the one for him.
“He thinks that everything he’s worked so hard for, all his dreams for his life, are over because of what’s happened to him. It’s just like I told you, he needs to provide for you and now he thinks he can’t, he’s lost hope. But he loves you, Sara. I knew it the first moment I saw the two of you together; the way he looked at you, like he’d found something precious. I know he doesn’t truly want you to leave and he needs you now more than ever. Be patient with him and the despair he feels will fade and he’ll realise he still has so much to live for. Most of all you.”
All Sara’s tears had vanished. Daniel had never told her any of that, even in his letters. She remembered writing that first letter to him. It had taken her two days and eight false starts before she had something she was happy with. She’d been so eager to make a good first impression on the man who’d been able to so entrance her with just an advertisement in a newspaper insert.
But out of everything Abigail had said, there was one thing she needed to make sure of. “You truly think Daniel loves me?”
Abigail burst into laughter. “He hasn’t told you already? Oh, Sara, my boy is head over heels, no doubt about that. A mother knows these things.”
Sara wished she could be so sure. “So what do you think I should do?”
“I think you should go home and tell your husband that you are there for him whatever happens, and that you’re not going anywhere, no matter what he thinks you should do. But that’s just the opinion of the woman who raised him. And if he doesn’t listen, you tell me. I’ll come over there and set him straight.”
A smile tugged at Sara’s lips. “I think I might like to see that.”
Abigail laughed, her eyes mischievous. “Just say the word.”
~ ~ ~
Daniel lifted his face, feeling the sun shining on him. Its warmth was scant comfort, but it was pleasant.
He was out on the back porch. Funny how he’d never spent much time there before Sara arrived, had never really had any preference for any particular place in his home. Now he always seemed to gravitate to the porch. It was her favourite place.
His hands rested on the railing and he felt the wood warm
against his uninjured palm. There hadn’t been a railing around the porch when he’d first moved in. Or at least if there ever had been, it was no longer there. He’d had to build one from scratch.
The first two years had been tough. He’d been working the fields, tending the fruit trees and establishing the beehives on his own. It wasn’t until the third year that he’d been able to afford to offer Will room and board and wages to come and work for him. It was backbreaking work and there were times when he’d doubted he could keep going, and then he would think about his dream of a family and it would give him the strength he needed. He didn’t know it at the time, but he’d done it all for Sara.
Now he couldn’t even picture her face clearly. She was fading from him, in more ways than one. Will was right, it was his fault he was losing her. But how could he ask her to stay? Everything he had to offer her was gone.
The door to the kitchen opened behind him and for a few seconds there was silence.
“Sara? Is that you?” Soft footsteps he knew were hers approached. “Sara?”
“Yes,” she said, her voice quiet, “it’s me.”
Then the footsteps were moving and she ran into his arms, her face pressing against his chest. All the breath left him. He could feel her body shaking, her tears soaking into his shirt.
He couldn’t do this; he couldn’t keep causing her pain. “Sara,” he said softly, “I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry.”
“Please don’t send me away,” she sobbed into his chest. “I can’t leave you. I don’t want to be anywhere else but here, with you. Please don’t ask me to leave.”
He lifted his face to the sky. His chest ached from the effort of fighting his emotions. Lowering his head, he brushed his lips against the top of her head.
“I don’t know what to do,” he whispered. “I don’t know how to take care of you. I don’t know how to take care of myself or the farm. I can’t do anything anymore.” He sucked in a trembling breath and it escaped again in a sob. “Without my eyes, I’m nothing.”
Releasing her, he sank to the floor. Desperate sobs clutched hold of him, heaving through his body, wrenching his breath away. The last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of her, but he couldn’t stop it as all the turmoil he’d been holding inside him poured out in a flood of anguished tears.
Sara lowered to her knees beside him and her arms wrapped around him. Too weak to fight the emotions anymore, he clung to her and wept, pressing his face into her shoulder, his tears soaking the bandages around his eyes.
She held him in silence for the long minutes he cried, until her warmth and strength seeped into him. It was only when his own tears stopped that he felt the wetness of hers on his forehead where her cheek rested against his skin.
“I don’t want you to leave,” he whispered. His voice trembled, but he was beyond trying to stay strong. He didn’t have the energy anymore. “The thought of you with another man feels like I’m being stabbed through the heart, but I don’t know what to do. I can’t protect you and I can’t look after you like I’m meant to. I only want what’s best for you.”
Her hold tightened around him. He hadn’t moved from her shoulder and he found he had no wish to. As long as he stayed here, in her arms, he didn’t have to face what had become of his life.
She turned her head and he could feel her warm breath on his skin as she spoke. “What’s best for me is to be by my husband’s side. Taking care of me isn’t about money or even protection, it’s about friendship and trust and support, for both of us. I know you’ll provide for me for the rest of my life, whatever happens. Let me look after you now, while you need it.”
“You shouldn’t have to look after me,” he said. “I can’t promise you anything. You should have security and I can’t give it to you.”
“I had all the security in the world in New York, but it wasn’t enough. I could have married a man who had everything, but I knew I’d never be happy with him. It wasn’t until I got here that I truly understood why I said yes to you when I said no to him. It’s you I’ve been waiting for, Daniel. Not money or security or even this farm. It’s always been you.”
He slowly raised his head. Could it be that she felt the same way he did? “Ever since you arrived, I’ve had this feeling that I’ve been waiting for you my whole life and that everything I’ve done, the farm, the house, has been for you. Even when I didn’t know who you were.”
“Like we were always meant to be together.”
Inside him, a glimmer of hope breathed into life. “You feel it too?”
“Every second of every day.” Her fingers touched his cheek. “You’re it for me, Daniel. You’re the only one. I can’t leave you because I can’t live without you.”
He drew in a deep, trembling breath. What was wrong with him? He’d been waiting for her his whole life and he’d tried to send her away. “How can you ever forgive me? I’ve treated you so badly.”
Her hand touched his hair, pushing it back from his face. It put him in mind of the morning less than a week before when he’d woken to her doing the same thing.
“I can’t imagine we’ll never argue again,” she said, “or that there won’t be times we’ll drive each other crazy. But I will always forgive you. Seventy times seven.”
“I’ll probably need that many.” Her soft laugh gave him such a deep desire to see her smile again that it made his heart ache. “I wish I could see you, just one last time. I can hardly imagine your face anymore. I feel like I’m losing you.”
She took hold of his hands and brought them to her face. “You won’t ever lose me. Even if you can’t remember what I look like, I’m still here. I will always be right here.”
Her closeness, her touch, made his heart thud. He slid the fingers of his right hand into her hair, marvelling at its softness. The memory of the sun shining in her red gold tresses on the day she arrived was suddenly pin sharp, her face as clear to him as it had been then.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.
He longed to draw her close, but after the way he’d treated her he knew he didn’t have the right.
And then he felt her fingertips graze his face, brushing down his cheek to cradle his jaw. Her body shifted as she leaned forward, her breath caressing his lips.
He edged closer, the tip of her nose touched his, he tilted his head.
And then their lips met.
The first kiss was gentle, hesitant, and over before he wanted it to be. He waited, hoping he hadn’t scared her, yearning for more.
She breathed his name, her lips found his again, and this time there was no uncertainty. He pulled her close, his heart soaring as she melted into his arms. With all the love in the world flooding through him, Daniel kissed his wife until he was breathless and elated and blissfully happy.
When they finally parted, she leaned against him and nuzzled her face into his neck with a sigh. It felt incredible.
“I’m so sorry for everything,” he murmured into her hair. “I don’t deserve you,”
He felt her smile against his skin. “There is no way for me to answer that without sounding horribly conceited.”
Laughter bubbled up inside him and before he knew it he was laughing so hard his sides ached. And best of all, he could hear Sara’s laughter mingling with his own.
For the first time since he’d lost his sight, Daniel praised the Lord for his life.
~ ~ ~
By the time Will returned from the orchard, supper was cooking and Daniel was sitting on the bench with Sara. Their special place, as he now thought of it.
She was snuggled into his side, her head resting against his shoulder and his arm securely wrapped around her, holding her close. The relaxed intimacy felt almost as good as the kissing, which they’d done a lot more of during the afternoon. In fact, he’d been following her around like a puppy, but she didn’t seem to mind.
Will was right, he’d been an idiot. He’d spent six days feeling sorry for himself when he could have s
pent the time getting closer to his incredible wife. Idiot didn’t even begin to cover it.
He heard Ginger and River’s plodding hoof beats enter the yard, the creak of the wagon, and the sound of Will dropping to the ground and walking up the porch steps. There was a long period of silence.
“Am I hallucinating?” Will finally said.
Sara kissed Daniel’s cheek and slid from his embrace. “I’m going to check on supper.”
As the door to the kitchen closed, Will took her place on the bench, if somewhat further away from Daniel.
“I’m sorry,” Daniel said. “You were right.”
Will made a choking sound. “Could you repeat that?”
He smiled a little. “I’ve been so busy feeling sorry for myself and thinking all my plans were ruined and that I’ve lost everything that I missed all the things I still have. I have an amazing wife who wants to stay with me no matter what, a God Who will give me the strength to get through this if I just let Him, and a brother who has stuck by me even when I’ve treated him badly.”
“Hmm,” Will said, “I’m glad to hear you’ve finally realised that. It certainly does sound like your genius brother has been right all along.”
Daniel snorted a laugh. “You’re not going to make this easy, are you?”
“Nope. Tell me again how I was right? I’d like to get it in writing too.”
“Pity I can’t write when I can’t see.”
“You can muddle through. I’ll guide your hand.”
Daniel reached out and found his shoulder. “Thank you for not giving up on me when I gave up on myself.”
Will’s hand touched his. “That’s what brothers are for.”
“Oh, that’s what brothers are for. Good to know.” He lowered his bandaged hand to his lap. “And I want to go out with you tomorrow and try again. You were right about me giving up too easily. I can do better.”
“I could get used to you admitting I’m right all the time.”
“Don’t get carried away, I didn’t say you were right all the time.”