by Jude Ouvrard
“Hi, long time no see.”
I think I’m going to faint. Many nights while I shared my bed with Dave, I thought about him. Wondering where he was, what he was doing. Would I ever see him again?
There was nothing normal about my crush on him. Well, unless crying for two days when he moved away is normal?
Lennox freaking Love. Is. Back.
CHAPTER THREE
Surviving
My appetite almost vanishes at the sight of Lennox. He used to be cute, now he’s so freaking manly and handsome. Tall, dark skin, green eyes and pitch black hair. A girl never forgets her first crush, I say to myself while taking another bite.
“What brings you back to Spokane, Lilly-Rose?”
“Don’t call me Lilly-Rose. Lilly is fine.” So much anger comes out in my voice.
“I’m sorry, Lilly.”
“I just got out of a bad relationship.” I answer, without looking at him and nibbling on my ketchup covered french fries.
“Yeah. I’m taking her to see Sergeant Eastwood tomorrow morning. She needs protection.”
How can he talk about my private life so openly? It pisses me off. I’m not an open journal. It has been years since I last saw Lennox. It’s not appropriate to tell him all of this. Can I leave this place? I have enough money to rent an apartment for a couple of months.
I get up and the chair falls back behind me. “I can’t do this. I have to go.”
“No. No. You stay and I’ll go. I interrupted your dinner. I’m sorry, Lilly.” He places my chair back in its place and pushes it behind my knees forcing me to sit. Lennox squeezes my shoulder delicately but it doesn’t stop me from jumping nervously. I’m frightened.
“Can you go easy on her for five minutes, Matt?” Abbey never holds back when she has something to say. “I think we should try to have our first dinner without any more intrusion.”
Matthew returns to his well-done steak, knife in hand and cuts a piece quietly before putting it in his mouth. Abbey continues to eat her pasta as if nothing happened and I’m here sitting with no clue what to do. My anxiety levels are high. I want to control my life but feel I lost all control the minute I left Seattle.
Pulling at the bacon in my sandwich, my mouth is watering and I eat it all without worrying about my weight or the amount of fat it contains. My weight has spiraled down since the problems with Dave started.
“I have a lot of money with me. I’m going to have to open a bank account and I’m starting to think that it would be best if I rent a small apartment.”
Both of them look at me while chewing on their food. Matt’s shaking his head, he doesn’t agree.
“You still have a room at the house. It’s way too big for me alone.”
It’s my turn to disagree. “It’s the first place Dave will come looking for me. I have to start over.” I pause. “Start afresh.” I drink half of my beer and motion to the waitress to get me another.
Eating more fries, my brain is running wild, trying to come up with a plan. Working at the diner while I figure out what I want to do with my life seems like the best idea. Living alone and building my self-confidence is another good way to start. I finish my beer and start drinking the second one. My eyes divert through the crowd. Every single person in here is a stranger to me. I’ve become a stranger in my hometown.
Matthew and Abbey finish while I’m still eating my club and drinking my beer. Matt excuses himself and goes directly to Lennox who’s still looking in my direction.
“What’s his problem?”
She shrugs. “I don’t think he has a problem. He’s a laid-back kind of guy. Maybe, he thinks you’re cute.”
I laugh and spill some of my beer. “As if I will ever be with a man again. I think I’ve banned them from my existence. They can’t be trusted. I used to trust Dave with my life and look where that got me.”
“Not all men are abusers, Lilly.” At the sound of the word abuser, shivers run down my body. I begin downing more beers in the hope of never hearing that word again. I hate the fact that Dave abused me with his strength, words, and controlling ways. Why does being free scare me so much? It’s all I’ve wanted in the past couple of months. Now, I have it and it frightens me to death.
“Maybe you should slow down with the beers.”
“Maybe not.” I get up from my chair wanting to get some fresh air. Dizziness hits me like a train. “Holy shit.” I mumble to myself and pretend that I have this. Walking toward the door, I imagine a line on the floor and try to follow it. Anything to prove that I’m not drunk. I’m not, anyway. Right?
I swing the door open and lean against the brick wall outside the building. Looking up at the sky, I take a deep breath and clear my mind for a few seconds.
“Lilly, are you alright?”
Lennox. His voice is rusty and comforting at the same time. His hands reach for my shoulders again but I flinch away.
“Don’t. Don’t touch me.” My throat tightens and I feel the panic rising inside me.
“Wow. Hey, Lilly. Look at me, please, look at me.”
I can’t. What is happening to me? Deep down, I know Lennox won’t hurt me. He’s Lennox. My brother’s best friend.
Slowly, my eyes come out of hiding, leaving the sidewalk for his green eyes.
“Lilly. Matthew told me what happened to you. He didn’t go into details, don’t worry.”
“Nobody knows the details, I keep them for me. Why would I tell someone how bad he hurt or humiliated me? I don’t want to be the one to stain their minds with my past.”
“I’ll never hurt you.”
“I’ll never trust you.” I say and he looks hurt. “I trusted him, at first.”
He sighs, irritated. “Look, we grew up together. You’re like family to me. Matt is my brother. He mentioned that you might want an apartment. I own a duplex and the apartment on the second floor is free. I wanted to offer it to you. I’ll give you time to decide.”
I nod because I can’t speak. Why would he offer me a place to stay? He probably feels he is helping Matt by helping me. I still don’t like it.
“I’d rather be fully independent. I don’t want to depend on anyone.”
“Me or another landlord, what difference will it make?” I can tell what he is trying to do. “I’m not trying to invade your privacy, Lilly.”
“Stay out of it, then.” If this is what he needs to hear then, I’ll say it out loud. “I don’t need anyone.”
“I’ll give you a couple of days to think about it.” He nods and heads to the parking lot and gets in his car. My chest is thumping as he drives away.
Who can I trust now? Who?
After admiring the dark sky and listening to the loud military hotties talking crap outside, I decide to go back inside. I’m thirsty again.
Waking up with a throbbing head and burning eyes, I know last night didn’t exactly end like I planned. Not remembering how I got here is a very bad sign.
“My head, oh my god.”
I try to get out of bed to reach for my bag. My painkiller had better kick in soon or this is going to be one hell of a day. I take them without water because I’m convinced I won’t be able to keep the water down. Back in my bed, I curl up and start crying.
There’s no light outside, the house is quiet. It’s probably the middle of the night. Spending my first night outside of the house I shared with Dave should be peaceful but I’m a mess. My tears won’t stop, no matter how much I’m trying to convince myself that I’ll be fine. My family is here with me, it should comfort me. I’m not alone anymore.
Once I’m sleepy again and calmer, a nauseous feeling starts to build. Out of my bed, I run to find the bathroom but I have no idea where it is or maybe, I just don’t remember. The last few hours are sort of blurry in my mind. I open all the doors on my way and finally find the bathroom after my third one.
Kneeling on the cold floor, I empty my stomach until it hurts. My stomach and back muscles are cramping and I’m praying this
will stop soon. Waking up Abbey would be too humiliating so while my stomach goes through hell, I’m trying to be quiet.
After spending twenty minutes with my face hovering above the toilet bowl, I sit back and try to catch a break. The smell of bile lingers in the bathroom and it’s horrible. Still no sound coming from Abbey’s room, I exhale in relief. My body is too weak so I rest my back against the tub and relax.
Sounds coming from the front door resonate throughout the house. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them holding them tight. It’s Dave. He’s found me. Shit. I can’t run or hide. He’ll find me and bring me back to Seattle. He’s going to kill me.
I’m crying because I’m so scared. The panic is taking over my body. Every part of me is shaking. I’m begging Dave not to hurt me and I cover my head with my hands and arms for protection. Heavy footsteps are coming closer. My heart is hurting and my head spinning. I hear the screeching from the door as it opens. I can’t face him, he’s going to be so disappointed in me and I can’t bear feeling like this again.
The footsteps are going away, running to Abbey’s room. Dave is probably checking on her to make sure she won’t be an obstacle. I hear voices and more footsteps coming toward me.
“Lilly. Oh my god, Lilly. Call 911, Logan. She’s having an attack.”
Logan? Where’s Dave? Where the hell did he go?
“Wait, Abbey, I doubt she wants to go to the hospital. Go back to your room, I got this.”
“Logan, she doesn’t know you.”
His arms reach under me and he lifts me high enough to place me in the tub. “It’s like PTSD, Ab. She thought I was him.”
He starts the shower with only cold water, I feel how cold it is but it doesn’t affect me. The sensation in my body is completely gone.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Lilly, okay? I can’t ask you to trust me but you have to believe me. I won’t hurt you or Abbey.”
He sends water all over my stiff body. I hurt so much.
“Breathe in… breathe out… you can do this… In…out…in…out…” He keeps repeating until I actually listen and do as he suggests. My breathing gets slower but is still unstable. “You got this. You’re safe here. We’re going to protect you.”
Sitting by the tub, he continues to monitor my breathing. “Think about something good, something that brings peace in your heart.
Peace? I have no idea.
“Come on. Find your happy place… In…out…in…out.”
I’m thinking about all sort of things. When I graduate high school or when I started working after graduating from beauty school. How much I loved my job and my life. I remember Abbey walking into the salon and sitting in my chair having agreed to be my first customer. I dyed and cut her hair with so much pride. All my life, I had a fixation with hair, that first job was a dream come true.
“See… it’s working… Are you feeling better?”
Freezing to death but good, my teeth grind. I hate that feeling.
“Abbey, get her some dry clothes. You’re going to help her change, okay?”
Abbey goes and comes back minutes later. Logan helps me out of the bath. My clothes are dripping wet, water runs down my shaking legs. I need to warm up, I’m freezing.
“In…out…in…out.” Abbey says while she helps me undress. I should be ashamed of myself but at the moment, I don’t care.
“Oh my god, Lilly, you have bruises everywhere.” No, I cry in silence, I don’t want her to see them. “What has he done to you? She envelopes me in a towel, and dries my skin from all the droplets of water.
“Does it hurt? It’s so much worse than what I’ve already seen. Your back is patched in bruises,” she’s crying now.
“I’m okay.” It’s true. It doesn’t hurt. Not anymore.
She pulls a hoodie over my head and helps me put on jogging pants. I’m standing but weak. I’m afraid I am going to fall until she wraps her arms around me holding me, warming me.
“Baby, is she dressed?”
“Yes.”
“We should get her to bed.” He enters the room and lifts me into his strong arms. I feel so little and so light.
“I’ll spend the night with her, Logan, okay?”
“Of course, baby.”
Delicately, he places me under the covers of my borrowed bed and I feel Abbey join me. Her arms wrap around me, she’s holding me as if I’m going to evaporate. It’s flattering but sad at the same time. I’m a fuck up and they both see it. I don’t want to think about tomorrow morning. I’m not even sure I want to wake up.
For now, I’ll just concentrate on the one basic function in life—breathing. Why is it so hard, though?
I’m exhausted… In… out…in… out.
CHAPTER FOUR
Hiding
I wake to the sound of different voices in the apartment, Logan, Abbey, Matthew and Lennox. We are supposed to go to the diner today and the police station but my body is exhausted and not allowing me to move. Plus, my pride went out the window last night when Logan found me. The thought of that alone makes me uneasy. I don’t think I have ever been so scared in my life.
Logan’s reaction, how he tried to help me and get Abbey involved, it says a lot about him. She’s got herself a nice man and I’ll forever be thankful to him.
“She was frightened to death.” I hear Abbey’s panic in her voice.
“I think she’ll need professional help.” Logan says.
I don’t want professional help. I’ll get through with this by myself.
“She should file a report.” Lennox suggests.
“Her back is covered in bruises.”
Abbey, please, don’t tell them. I beg her in my mind.
I try to ignore the voices and concentrate on falling asleep. Sleeping is my easy way out for now. I think I need it too. To be honest, as long as I’m here, I don’t think they are going to come in. If I can postpone my life outside of this room, I’ll do it. I’m like a hurt cat hiding until it’s all better.
To keep away the nightmares, I try to focus on the good things I have in my life just as Logan had made me do the night before. Out of all the voices in the background, Lennox had the loudest one. Almost impossible to ignore. The one time Lennox had a sleepover at my parents’ house days prior to his move, just happened to be when I woke up in the middle of the night craving cereals. While I was eating a bowl of cheerios, he came into the kitchen wearing his loose boxers only and asked me for a glass of water. I thought I was dreaming. At the time, I was sixteen years old and he was twenty or twenty-one. I might have fallen in love that night. I smile at my memories of him. He drank two full glasses of water and went back to bed but before he turned the corner to Matt’s room, he looked at me again and winked. I never finished that bowl of cereal because I was too busy hyperventilating for about fifteen minutes before I went back to bed.
Finally my head is at peace and I am calmly sleeping when someone knocks at my door.
“Lilly, it’s me. Let me in.”
Groggy, I stretch my arms and legs and get out of bed slowly. Unlocking the door to let Abbey in, I’m happy to see she is alone.
“Hi.” I say, totally aware I must have the worst morning breath ever.
“You’ve been locked in here for over twenty-four hours. Go grab a shower then we’re going to the diner for breakfast. Just the two of us.”
“But…” I don’t know what to say. I feel better but I like the comfort of my own room.
“No buts, Lilly. Even if you stay locked in here.” She points to the inside of my room. “Your life goes on and you’re wasting it in here. It’s time to start fresh.”
I sigh. “Shower it is.” I pick some clothes from my bag and follow her to the bathroom.
“Here are your towels. Come here, give me a hug.”
I must smell as good as a skunk right now but if she wants a hug, she’ll get one. She wraps her arms around me so tight I can barely move mine. “I want you to know that Logan can
’t wait to meet you, properly. He…he won’t judge you on what happened, okay?”
I nod and try to push away the tormenting thoughts from the panic attack. “Okay.”
She releases me. “Hurry up, I’m starving.”
I chuckle before closing the door between us. “I’ll be quick.”
After a brief look in the mirror, I wonder how quick I’ll be. I look as bad as I feel. My hair looks unhealthy and my skin is so white, I could challenge Casper. I don’t know the amount of hours I slept but I should feel renewed, strong and ready to climb a mountain but it isn’t the case.
Taking my shower, I give myself a pep talk. Come on, Lilly You have the power to turnaround how you feel or how you want your life. It will not come overnight but you’ve taken the hardest step. You’re a free woman that deserves to be happy.
As I mention the word happy, a sob escapes my mouth. Can I really be happy? I think so. It’s like right now, I feel a tiny bit of happiness but I know that with time, happiness could take on a whole new meaning.
After drying my hair, and putting on my clothes, I feel and look better. My cheeks are rosy and my long brown hair looks clean. I own this day, let’s make it a good one.
“I’m ready. I should take Sugar outside first. She didn’t get out at all yesterday so I hope she didn’t…”
“I took care of her, don’t worry. I love her and she hasn’t left my side. In fact, we just got back in.” Abbey reassures me.
“Time for us to go, I guess.” I kneel and pat Sugar for a couple of seconds. She licks my fingers as if she hadn’t seen me in a week. She makes me smile and giggle. “I’ll be right back, Sugar.”
We cross the street to the restaurant. It’s a nice diner, renowned for their breakfast but open all day. A tiny redhead woman at the front desk welcomes us in and leads us to a table for two. I’m hungry but I don’t know what I want to eat or drink.
“I think I’m going to have French toast with fruits and maple syrup.”
I’m still looking over the menu when the redhead returns.
“Are you ready to order? Would you like a coffee or orange juice?”