by Jude Ouvrard
“I’ll have a coffee.” Abbey orders.
“I’ll have the orange juice.”
The redhead looks back at Abbey, waiting for her order. Abbey hasn’t changed her mind on the French toast. Still undecided, I order the same thing.
“Matthew will meet us here after breakfast and we’re going to go to the police station. If… If you are still okay with filing a restraining order.”
I nod. “I think it might be a good idea.”
“The other night, you mentioned that you want to have your own place. Have you figured out what you want to do next? I mean, do you want to go back to school or go back to the salon?”
“I think having my own place will help me build my self-esteem again. Being with Dave, I lost so much of myself and to heal, I have to know what’s left of me and start from there.” I take a sip of my orange juice. “If I have to work here for a while, I’d be okay.”
“I hear the tips are great.”
“Yeah, I bet.” The place is full of people. “I have to go back to the salon though. My hair is in need of a change.”
“Now, we’re talking.” Abbey says and I can see the excitement in her eyes. She grabs her phone and starts texting someone while I drink more of my orange juice.
The waitress returns with our food and I think I’m going to gain five pounds this morning alone. It’s delicious and it feels good to eat. I feel so much more energized once my body is full of food.
“I think we should go to the station now.”
To keep my morale up, I know I have to get this over and done with. Put it behind me and move on.
“Alright, Matthew should be here any minute, now.”
The redhead comes back with our bill. I take Abbey’s and pay for both. “My sister told me you where hiring, are you still looking for someone?”
“We are. If you are interested, you can come back this afternoon. Mrs. Layton should be here at 3pm. She’s a sweetheart.”
I nod. This could be it. “Alright, I will. Thank you.”
She smiles and turns on her heels to refresh the coffee for a man on another table. She seems nice too.
As Abbey said, Matthew is waiting outside by his car. “Ready?” It’s all he says. I nod and he opens the door to his car. “Come on. I’ll drive you.”
This situation is making me nervous.
Matthew is driving like a maniac. Too fast and he turns as if he is on a racing track. My hand is holding the door and I can see my knuckles turning white. Relief floods my body when he finally parks his car.
“Do you want to go alone?”
“I would prefer that.”
“Okay. Sergeant Eastwood will help you. Just ask for him when you get to the front desk.”
I nod and get out of the door. I do what Matt says and I end up sitting in an office alone. My hands are clammy and my heartbeat is hammering in my chest. Why does it feel like I’m doing something wrong when I’m simply trying to protect myself?”
“Ms. McCarthy, I’m sorry to keep you waiting.”
I recognize that voice. That strong and husky voice.
“Lennox?” I’m surprised to see him here. “I’m supposed to meet with Sergeant Eastwood.”
“That’ll be me. Love didn’t quite fit with Sergeant. I thought I should go with my mother’s name. So, pleased to meet you, I am Sergeant Lennox, L. Eastwood.” He holds out his hand to shake it as if we are meeting for the first time.
I’m speechless. Why is he everywhere I go? I shake his hand but I’m unsure. I don’t want anyone knowing my secrets least of all my brother’s best friend.
“I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. Can I do this with someone else?”
He disagrees and gives me a good explanation as to why. Thirty minutes later, I’m undressed in his office while a woman officer is taking pictures of my bruised body. Of course, Lennox is unable to stay with us, the Police Department would not allow that because he is male but I know he’ll be able to see them afterward so in my mind, it doesn’t make a difference. He’ll see me broken and bruised and this image of me will forever be in his mind. Lennox is pacing on the other side of the door, I can see his feet walking from right to left. The woman is taking close up pictures of my bruises. Each time I hear the click of the camera, my heart skips a beat. The bruises have changed colors since the night I received them but it’s enough proof to add to my file.
When I first realized I had to do this with him, it made me uncomfortable and unhappy but he took control of the situation and now I’m glad it was him. Sharing my story with a stranger, someone who didn’t give a damn about me would have been different. Somehow, Lennox and I share something. He knows my family and me. His compassion makes it different. Another officer wouldn’t have given me as much concern.
He files the restraining order but I’m not sure it eases my anxiety yet. I take a deep breath under the eyes of Lennox.
“Are you okay?” I shrug. “Did you come here alone?”
“They are waiting outside.”
“Look, I know this is…” He motions the air between us. “Awkward, maybe. I don’t want you to hesitate to reach out to me if you need something.”
“Thank you, Sergeant Eastwood.”
His jaw tenses. “I didn’t mean that as Sergeant Eastwood, I meant that as Lennox.”
“I know, I was kidding.”
Now it’s awkward.
He steps closer and immediately, I step back. “Matthew is like a brother to me, I’ve known you since you were little. There is a gap of a couple of years but I’m back now and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Okay. I…I think I’m going to go now.”
He tries stepping closer again and I step back.
“Jesus Christ, Lilly, I’m not going to hurt you.” The tone of his voice is loud, it alarms me.
“Bye, Lennox. Let me go, please.” I battle with the tears in my eyes. I don’t want him to see them. What does he want from me? Revealing my secrets and showing off my body is enough for one day. My body, mind and certainly not my pride can take any more hits.
“Lilly, stop for one second.”
I want to but at the same time, there is a little voice telling me to run. What do I do?
“Lilly, I’m not going to hurt you. I will never hurt you so stop tormenting yourself.”
Groaning deep in my throat. “What do you want, Lennox? You made this situation easier but do you have any idea how hard it is for me to tell you everything, show you how broken and messed up I am? Look, Lennox, I’m running out of pride for today. Can it wait until tomorrow or later in the week?”
“No, it can’t. I know you are planning to move in on your own and I want to tell you that my offer to live in the apartment upstairs still holds. Think about it. You’ll be safe and it’s a good neighborhood too.”
“I’ll think about it.” I turn around before he has time to add any more to the discussion. Walking through the police station, I feel different. Lighter.
Before stepping out of the station, I turn around and see him, Lennox Love Eastwood, staring at me. His arms crossed over his chest, I see a small smile lacing his lips and something changes in his eyes. Relief, maybe. I wave quickly and meet Abbey and Matthew outside.
My heart is beating fast while I’m listening to their endless questions. I can’t answer because my mind is still focusing on what just happened inside the station. Everything that occurred with Lennox, the tension, the emotions, they all stop the second I leave the building.
What’s going on?
CHAPTER FIVE
A new version of me
“How did it go?” Matthew is eager to know more but I don’t think I can talk about it now. There’s too much going on in my mind. I need to find something else to focus on.
“Well… I need to get my hair done. Can you drive me to the salon?”
They both look at me surprised.
“Aren’t you going to talk about how it went? Did you meet Lennox?”
> “Yeah about that. Sergeant Eastwood—none of you thought to tell me who it was? Thank God, he was professional and careful because I went deep into the details of the violence I went through. I had to undress and show his female co-worker the bruises and scars while she took pictures. So thank you for that, I bet he’ll never forget what he heard or saw on the pictures each and every single time we meet again.”
“Fuck.” Matt rubs his hands against his face. Ashamed, maybe.
“I didn’t want you to change your mind because of that. We talked about it and he thought it would be easier since you already knew him.”
Gripping my hair at the back of my head, I’m trying to understand why I’m suddenly pissed off.
“He did well, Matt, but it wasn’t the ideal situation.” I release my hair and try to calm down. “I just need to get my hair done because right now, I need to feel better about myself. Finding myself with Lennox after all those years and telling him my story was harsh. To say it was uncomfortable is an understatement but once I saw his face flushed after he had a look at the pictures, it got worst. I couldn’t feel more self-aware than that if I tried.
“Okay. I’ll take you.”
Sitting inside my brother’s car, my hair feels like a heavy weight and I can’t wait to get rid. Right now, my thick and curly brown hair reaches my waist. It’s very long and a total pain in the ass. I need something shorter. Something new. I want to be sexy and free.
Matt lets me out of the car and says he’ll see me later while Abbey follows me inside the salon. I’m happy to be back here but I know they’ll start asking me questions. I quit this job to move in with Dave. All they need to know is that I’m back and single. The rest is personal, none of their business.
“Look who’s here?” Lilly, always so beautiful!” My ex-boss, Reese, comes to me with open arms. “What are you doing in town?”
“I just got back and I need to change my hair.”
“Where’s Dave?” I’m not surprised she asked. Dave used to meet me here almost every day for lunch. All the girls knew him.
“Dave and I… I left him. I’m back in Spokane now.”
“You left Dave?” Jody asks. Crap!
“I did and now, I need one of you to fix my hair.”
“Like a makeover? Hair and makeup?” Jody sounds way too excited.
“Something like that.” I chuckle shyly.
“I have time and depending how much hair we cut, you could sell it. Your hair is natural and is worth a small fortune.”
That hadn’t crossed my mind at all. Jody is your typical extrovert. Her purple and fuchsia hair makes her stand out in a crowd but she could be bald and still stand out. She just seems to sparkle like a diamond and you can’t help but love her. When I lived in Seattle, I missed her. Dave kept saying how he wanted my hair long, he only allowed me to get a trim once. How pathetic was I to let him control me like that.
Jody washes my hair and gives me a head massage. I forgot about those. God, I could fall asleep right here and now. It feels like my head has turned into a marshmallow.
“Wake up, sleepyhead. We’ll dry your hair and cut it, then after we’ll do the coloring. We’re gonna do this backward today.”
“Right, because you want to keep my hair intact. How short are you planning on cutting it?”
“Not too short. Long hair is sexy. Below the shoulders, maybe?”
I nod. That’s not too short, right? No, it’ll be alright. I need change and to find myself again.
“What color are you looking at?”
She laughs and I’m not sure why. “Chillax, girl. It won’t be pink or purple. You’ve always been on the conservative side. I’ll just give your hair some highlights. Two shades lighter or something.”
I smile. “Conservative, yeah?”
“Why? Are you willing to try something flashier?”
“No pink or purple. Maybe something like caramel or copper.”
“Alright, alright. Get your sassy little behind on my chair, ma’am and I’ll work my magic.”
She dries and brushes my hair before tying it in a low ponytail. She takes her scissors and looks at me with an excited smile, like a kid on Christmas morning. With two clips of her scissors, she cuts my hair above the hair tie and squeals in excitement as she holds up the piece of hair she has just cut off. I see Abbey in the back and it looks like her jaw has just dropped on the floor and bounced back.
“Oh my god, Lilly.”
I shake my head letting my shorter hair dance lightly against my shoulder. “Oh my god, indeed.” I laugh not knowing what else to do. My hair is a lot shorter but still below my shoulders. It’s light, very light. I giggle some more. Thank God for that. Jody gets back to my head and starts cutting again. Not much shorter but it all flows together. Even though she hasn’t applied the color yet, I already feel like dancing around the salon like a little girl would do. I know it’s silly but I’m so thrilled with my new haircut.
Jody returns with the hair dye and starts working on the highlights. Two different tones, apparently. I trust her. If someone in this salon knows how to turn someone like me into a supermodel, it’s her. As if I have that potential.
“Okay. I’m done with the color. Twenty-five minutes and we’ll rinse it off.” She sings with exhilaration.
“I’m starting to wonder what you’ve done to my hair to be so excited.” She had better not of put any flashy colors into my hair. Dave will… No, I shake my thoughts away. Dave isn’t going to kill me because there are no ties any longer. I’ll be okay with whatever color she puts in my hair.
“Hey, Abbey, don’t you think we should take your sister out tonight? She’s going to look fabulous.”
Abbey’s attention turns to me, she doesn’t know what to say. “I guess it depends on her. We’re going out tomorrow, for my birthday.”
FUCK IN CAPITAL FUCK! Her birthday. How did I almost forget about her birthday?
“Right and I have to meet someone at 3pm.” I don’t want to mention the diner since they might offer me a job here and I don’t want to go back to my old life. It’s all part of my improvised ‘be the best version of you’ plan. The only shitty part is that I start at the very beginning. At least I have a very comfortable twenty thousand in my bank account. A bank account? Right, I have to take care of that as well. Sigh.
“Abbey, we have to go to the bank too. I need to reopen my account.”
She nods. “After your 3pm meeting. It shouldn’t take long anyway.” Her hand covers my knee. “Your hair is going to look great. I loved it before but with the new highlights, it’ll look young and more you.”
“You think so?”
She chuckles. “I know so.”
“What do you want to do for your birthday? Any plans?”
“Maybe we could go dancing, have a few drinks. Something like that.”
Dancing. It brings back twisted memories. I used to love dancing when I was Abbey’s age so much. I was beyond wild. A free spirit, some would say, always, dancing with my friends, drinking beers, having fun. It all stopped when we moved to Seattle. I was alone with Dave and no friends around me. One night, we went to a very popular club. The Black Shakers. I had a few beers and started getting tipsy. While Dave was in the restroom, I decided to go on the dancefloor. I missed my friends but I pretended they were with me and I danced, I gave it my all until I spotted Dave by the door motioning for me to come. He slapped me across the face and caused my nose to bleed.
Dancing had always been my way of loosening up and having fun, not something that should have got me a beating. When we got home that night, he pushed and pressed me against the door.
“You do not dance like that in public. You are with me, for my eyes only. I left you for five minutes and this is what happened. All the guys drooling over you wondering how you’ll look when they fuck you.” His hands tightened around my throat and I couldn’t get any more air. “You do not disrespect me like that, do you understand?” My vision starte
d getting blurry but he let go of me and I fell to the floor. He left me there, as if I was worthless. That was how he managed to make me feel. I’m no longer with him now, though. I can dance all I want. If I remember how.
“I’ll go with you. What about your friends?”
“We’ll see.”
Leaving the hair salon with my new hair flowing in the small breeze and my face covered in makeup, powder and gloss, I feel like a million dollars. Beautiful and powerful, I’m still shaking inside. It’s that thrill of a makeover, of starting a new chapter, I believe I’m ready but I can’t promise there won’t be any setbacks.
“You know what, Abbey?”
She laughs. “Apart from knowing I’m super envious of your new look, I don’t know.”
“I’ll get that job. I’m 25 years old, I have work experience and they’ll give it to me. Dave can’t take that away from me.”
“You will, and I’m sure you could get just about any job but if this is the one you want, go for it.”
“It’s all about starting somewhere. There is no under job.”
We walk to the diner and I can’t stop myself from having this huge grin on my face. I try not to smile but fail. I got rid of half of my hair, something I wanted to do for a while. It’s a new version of myself and is it okay if I’ve fallen in love with it.
“Do you think tomorrow I’ll be able to redo my make-up like this?” If I can, I want to be this beautiful every damn day of my life.
“Yeah, no doubt. Lilly, you don’t even have to worry.”
“Yes, okay.” Jody has given me everything she used to complete my make-up. I should be fine.
We walk for an additional five minutes before facing the front door of the diner. “After you, sister… unless you want me to wait outside.”
“No, you can come in.”
The restaurant is almost full to capacity. I have butterflies in my stomach but not the romantic ones, the crazy ones. My hands are shaking. Jesus, Lilly, it’s just a job.
“Hello ladies.”
“Hi Mrs. Layton. This is my sister, Lilly.”
She starts laughing. “You didn’t have to introduce her, you girls could be twins.”