Not Afraid to Love You (Ink Series - Spin Off Book 1)

by Jude Ouvrard

  “Don’t look. I’m a mess.” I order him and pray that he doesn’t look. After all, I hadn’t planned on him visiting tonight.

  “What? Hmm, I like what you call a mess.”

  “I said don’t look, Lennox.” I run to my room and close the door behind me. This is embarrassing. I laugh while picking my yoga pants and tank top. The smell of the food is entering my room, it’s mouth-watering and I can’t dress quickly enough now to go meet him in the kitchen.

  “Come here.” I love how he stands when he says it. His back is straight, shoulders large and his confidence is sky high. Nothing, however, tops how he’s looking at me right at this moment. He’s daring me to go to him, making my pulse accelerate. His beautiful eyes are seducing me and becoming darker in a sexy way.

  “Okay.” I murmur while walking toward him, into his arms. Lost inside his bear hug, his cologne surrounds me and I already feel better. My day will end better than what I originally had planned. Lennox Love is better than chocolate and coffee. It’s a fact.

  “How are you feeling today? Is your body hurting from last night?” He chuckles. “Mine is.”

  “You hit me pretty hard after the second round. It took me at least thirty minutes to catch my breath.”

  “Did I hurt you?” The concern on his face made me uneasy.

  “No, don’t worry, you didn’t. You were as gentle as you could be. Even when you bent me over your knee.” I laugh.

  “You were really good. We should do that more often.”

  Yeah, maybe. Last night gave me some ideas. Things I want to try. It expanded my vision.

  “I never thought a self-defense class would make my body so sore. I’m not sure how often we’ll do this.”

  He laughs. “Let me know if you want to do it again. It gives me some peace of mind knowing you can defend yourself.”

  Yeah. If only it could have kept away the nightmares last night. In my dreams, I kept running. Running out of my apartment, out in the streets… Dave was following me, he was so angry that I could already feel the bruises forming on my skin. When he finally caught me, I hit him hard, so hard that I broke my hand but it wasn’t enough to stop him. He hurt me and it was so much worse than what he had done before. Feeling my body tense, I push away from Lennox and sit on the chair by the table. I remind myself that it was only a dream. Only a dream.

  “Is everything okay?” He lowers himself so that our eyes are on the same level. “Lilly, look at me.”

  I hate when he sees me like this. It makes me look weak and stupid. I should get over it, forget the painful past and live my life to the fullest. In reality though, the past always comes back to haunt me, no matter how hard I try to forget it.

  “I had an awful night and day. The nightmare I had last night just came rushing back to me. Sorry, it took me by surprise.” Even now, Dave’s angry eyes flash in my mind.

  Pulling up the chair next to me, he sits it in front of me. He is only a few inches from me and I can feel his breath on my face.

  “I’ll protect you if he comes back, Lilly. You know that. It’s my job to protect people.”

  I shake my head. “You can’t be with me or watch me all the time. I’ll always be worried about him, Lennox, as long as he’s alive. Thanks to you, now, I can defend myself.” Placing my hand on top of his, I try to show him that it’s okay. That’s life—my past and present. Unfortunately.

  Our eyes lock and I see his vulnerability. Recently, Lennox’s actions toward me show more emotion. How he touches me, looks at me or cares for me. It’s something that doesn’t go unnoticed. Just like his lips. I keep looking at them and feel something pulling inside of me. A strong desire to kiss him. I want to. The sixteen-year-old teenager inside of me is begging to kiss him and letting him kiss me.

  We lean closer together. I watch his eyes, his lips and back to his eyes with the desire getting stronger in me.

  “Lilly…”

  “Yes…”

  My lips touch his. I hesitate for a very short second but decide to go for it. I suck his bottom lip inside my mouth and he groans before he slips his tongue inside my mouth with urgency. I’ve missed those lips.

  “Lennox.”

  “Yes…”

  I chuckle but keep our lips connected. My hands are around his neck and my fingers play tenderly with his short hair. Pressing harder against his lips, I get closer to him. Straddling him. I like this but I’m not quite sure what’s happening to me. I’m going against all the limits that I set for myself.

  Pulling away for a couple of minutes, we are both breathing hard and staring at each other.

  “I don’t know what just happened, sweetheart but I’m not willing to stop.” His words are barely audible. Pressing me against his chest, he returns to my lips and we kiss like I thought I could only dream. Everything’s so emotionally packed and sensual. My heart’s beating as if I have run a marathon. Where his hands are touching me, there is a tingling sensation. The closer he gets to cup my breast, the faster my heart is pounding. I’m scared of what I’ll feel. Scared that I won’t be able to stop him. I’m afraid of what it’ll do to me if I ever get close to someone again. I gave my heart to D… Saying or thinking about his name while kissing Lennox makes me sick. D completely broke, destroyed and scared my heart with his inexcusable actions.

  Do I deserve to feel this good?

  “Lilly, you’ll love again. There is no way someone can kiss like that and not feel a thing. It’s impossible.”

  “I’m scared, Lennox, but it feels good to kiss you. I have this need growing inside me. Some parts of my mind tell me to run again but there is a stronger part making me kiss you like that. It’s new to me and I want to listen to that need tonight.”

  “Keep listening, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere. We have all the time we need.”

  I feather kiss his lips and trail down to his jaw. He isn’t doing anything to me anymore. He surrenders and lets me control this moment. Both of my hands are fisting his t-shirt, holding him to me like I want to own him. This is a revelation and it scares me shitless. I need Lennox. I crave him as well. Breathing him in, I lean my head into the hollow of his neck and shoulder.

  “Are you okay?”

  So many things pop into my head, I want to say everything I feel, all the new things blooming inside me but I can’t. Letting him know would be the worst idea possible. I have to wait and make sure it’s safe territory.

  “I am but I’m also afraid. Sorry. You should go after someone who’s stable and ready to engage in a mature relationship. I feel like I can’t give you what you want.”

  “Stop, Lilly. You don’t know what you’re saying. Stop assuming this isn’t what I want. Have I shown you or given you any signs that you make me unhappy?” I shake my head. “So, stop now. I’m here with you and we’re in this together.

  Together, I repeat that in my head. Being together scares me but my desire for him confuses everything.

  I think I need to take a vacation and clear my mind. Being near him all the time is not helping me think clearly at all. I hate Dave, so damn much. Why did I meet him and fall in love with him? Why did he turn out to be such a dick? Why did he hurt me so much my heart is unable to let go?

  I want to scream but I won’t because I’m still sitting and holding on to Lennox. I close my eyes and take a minute to register the feeling I get from being with him. I like it but it’s always the same thing, I’m afraid to love him.

  “I think we should eat now.” I say, failing to make my voice strong, it is weak and unstable.

  “Okay.” He locks my face between his hands and holds me in place before pressing a kiss on my lips. I really need this because after tonight, I’ll be leaving town for a couple of days.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Running away

  Back in Seattle, I'm driving a rental car looking for a place to park. Last night, I questioned Lennox about the tattoo place and I managed to find their address on the internet. The joy of having a smar
t phone. My first one.

  Before driving here, I made sure the tattoo parlor wasn't anywhere near Dave's house or work place. I think I'll be safe. Besides, I'm only staying for the day and I’ll be hiding in that shop.

  I left Spokane early this morning before Lennox was up. Last night, our kiss had me more confused than ever. My desire for him is growing but I'm still afraid to love him or let myself feel love. Why is love so mysterious and uncontrollable? I’m trying to find the answer.

  It's almost noon and he has called me twice already. The first time was when I was driving with the music so loud, I never heard the ringtone and the second time, I had my mouth full of junk food from the drive-thru. As soon as I park up, I grab my phone and call him back. Mrs. Layton has been nice enough to give me tomorrow off as well as today, my days off for this week.

  Ink Me Tattoo Studio seems like a nice place and Lennox trusts them enough to have multiples of their work marked on his skin. It'll be all right, I’m trying to convince myself.

  I finally find a parking space around the corner. Not taking any chances, I put on a hat and let my hair loose. If only one person of Dave’s entourage sees me, I'm screwed. Don't get me wrong, I know how stupid it is for me to be here but I had to get out of Spokane and this tattoo place happened to be exactly where I wanted to be.

  Walking in, I recognize the vibration sound of the tattoo machine. A beautiful blonde girl is tattooing a very tall man. Someone who's twice as big as her. She lifts her head and says, “Hi.”

  "Levi, K, there's someone upfront," she smiles. "Sorry, it won't be long. Inventory sucks."

  "You must be happy to be working then."

  She laughs and nods. "Can I help you with anything?" She dips her machine in the small container of ink.

  "Yes. My umm...friend, Lennox, told me to come here to get a tattoo so here I am." I have no idea if the guy who knows Lennox is here. It might be his day off.

  "Lennox Love Eastwood?" Another guy asks from the back store and my heart starts beating fast. Why is that?

  "Yes. That’s him."

  He seems genuinely happy to hear about him. "Is he in town?"

  "No, it's just me."

  Walking closer to me, we shake hands. "I haven’t seen him in a while. How is he doing?"

  "He's great. Working a lot and well spending a lot of time with me." I admit.

  "Well, let me tell you something, lady, I'm not gay but I would totally date that guy."

  I start laughing nervously. "Why's that?"

  "That guy saved my ass and we've been friends for a while. He's a very cool guy. Cool for a policeman, I mean.” He starts laughing. “He takes care of the people he loves." He pauses and watches me with curiosity. "Are you two more than friends?" Levi and K are both chuckling and teasing me.

  “Are you blushing?”

  "We are, I guess. But I have a pretty shitty past and I just can't open up to him enough. I've known him almost all my life." I shake my head trying to think of why I'm not jumping into it. “I just got out of a bad relationship and it leaves me unable to commit. It’s stupid I know. Lennox is a very good man.”

  “I understand.” Kyle says softly. “I’ve been through shit too. I’m Kyle, by the way.”

  “I’m Lilly.”

  “Lilly-Rose? Matthew’s sister?” He seems surprised to see me here.

  “Hum, yeah. That’s me. How do you know about me? Did you meet my brother?”

  “I did once and Lennox might have mentioned your name once or twice.” Something in his face tells me he isn’t telling me the truth. “Okay, maybe more than a few times.”

  I can feel the heat rushing to my cheeks. “Like I said, we’ve known each other forever.”

  “So, are you a virgin?”

  I cough once or twice. “A virgin?” They all start laughing and I now understand what he meant. “Oh, no. I’m not a virgin. I have a small tattoo already. I want a new one. Today.”

  “Today?”

  “Yeah, I’m driving back to Spokane tomorrow morning at the latest.”

  “I can do that for you. What are you looking for? Do you have a design in mind?”

  I explain what I want. Something that represents freedom, which is something I’m still working on. I’m free from Dave but not free of the memories and resentment. Somehow, I think the tattoo will help me and put me on a good path.

  “So you want hummingbirds, what genre are you looking for? Old school, black and grey, you name it and I’ll do it.”

  The blonde beauty starts laughing in the back. “Is that the best thing you can say, K? I’m sorry, it’s none of my business but I heard what you want and it gave me an idea. What about a couple of small birds flying up your back? Starting on your waist with bigger birds and as they reach higher up your back they get smaller. Anyway, it’s just an idea.”

  “I like that.” She has a nice vision of freedom.

  “I’ll work on the design and I’ll show you what I come up with. Maybe I’ll incorporate some of Val’s idea. Give me thirty minutes. You can stay here or take a walk outside. It’s a beautiful day.”

  “It is but I’d rather stay inside. I’ll just wait here on the couch.”

  Just as I sit, Lennox is calling again and I realize I never called him back. Damn it, Lilly. That’s very bad, he doesn’t deserve this and obviously, he wants to know where I am. I can’t ignore his call, I have to take it.

  “Hi, Lennox.” I say closing my eyes not knowing what to expect. He’ll be worried. “Lilly, sweetheart, where are you? I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

  “I’m sorry. I had to get away, clear my mind.”

  “Where are you?” He asks again and I know there is no way I’ll be able to avoid his question.

  Before telling him, I take a deep breath. I know he will react to where I am. “In Seattle.”

  “What? Seattle?” I hear pain in his voice. Or is it doubt? “Are… are you back in Seattle for good? Or…”

  “No, just for today and maybe tomorrow.”

  He goes silent for what seems like forever and it’s making me anxious.

  “How did you get there?” He doesn’t wait for me to answer before he asks me a second question. “Why did you go and why didn’t you tell me?”

  Kyle is looking at me and I can tell he knows the conversation isn’t going well. I force a smile and he goes back to his drawing.

  “I rented a car and came back here to get a tattoo. I’m with your friend Kyle.”

  “Kyle?” The further we go in this conversation the more anxious I am getting. “You should have told me, Lilly, I could have driven you there. You’re not safe in Seattle. What if he sees you?”

  “He won’t see me. I’m practically hiding inside the shop, I’m wearing a baseball cap like they do in movies. I’ll be good, bear.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? I feel like you ran away from me. I thought we had a nice evening last night.”

  “Nice isn’t the word to describe it, Lennox. It was perfect. I enjoyed every second I spent with you and that’s why I left. I need to clear my mind and fight against what’s holding me back. Making you wait, pushing you away or kissing you isn’t how a relationship works, and you deserve better.”

  “I deserve you. You’re my better.” He groans. “Don’t you see that?”

  “Aren’t you at work, right now, Sergeant?” His career is everything and he has worked hard for it. I can’t let him ruin it by arguing with me on the phone.

  “Wh... what?” He stuttered.

  “Maybe you should call me back when you’re on a break or at home.”

  “No.” He protests. “I’m not letting you go away from me. I don’t mind continuing what we were doing at your pace. It’s not an issue for me.”

  “It is for me, Lennox. I’m still afraid to love you but there’s a part of me that wants to love you and I have to understand and see for myself if I’m ready.” My throat is tightening and I know that if I don’t control myself, I’ll
be crying in a matter of seconds.

  “So, you drove to Seattle to get a tattoo? I’m sorry, I’m trying to understand.” Lennox is going with the facts like I’m a crime he has to solve.

  “I came here to think and yes, get a tattoo.”

  “Come back to me, sweetheart.”

  “I will.” This is a promise. In my heart, I know I can’t leave him but I need to figure out where I stand. Part of me is starting to think that I belong with him. Maybe I do.

  “Say hi to Kyle for me. I had better get back to work. I only have two more hours. When will you be back?”

  “It depends on how long it takes to get the tattoo. Tonight or tomorrow. If I need to stay, I’ll find a hotel or something.”

  “I know you’re an adult and you know what you’re doing but doesn’t mean I like it. Knowing you’re alone in a city where an asshole took away so much from you already, it scares and angers me.”

  I hate that’s he’s right. It wasn’t a smart move to come here alone. “I’m sorry. It’s just one night. I’ll be careful, I promise.”

  “What about Sugar?”

  I chuckle. I can tell he loves her.

  “Abbey is supposed to pick her up today.”

  “I’ll see you soon, then.”

  “You will.”

  He hangs up and somehow I feel a rush of adrenaline burn inside me. It’s probably because I told him about my growing feelings for him or simply because of his reaction. This feeling inside me happens because I care. I don’t like making him anxious or hurting him. The idea of being far from him sucks but I know I had to do it. I will definitely be going home with a new plan in my mind.

  “Is everything okay, Lilly?” Kyle laughs. “You’ve been staring at nothing for like forever. Was it Eastwood on the phone?”

  “Yes, he says hi.”

  “Look, you came here for a reason but it looks like you need time to think. I’m shit when it comes to relationships. A total loser. Val and Levi will agree with me on this one. I had one girlfriend in my life, only one and I’ve never been able to get over her. What we had wasn’t a disaster but I regret every day of my life that I didn’t save her or what we had. We had everything to be happy but destiny fucked me over.”