Anticipation

by Sarah Mayberry

  For a while, the memory of her parents’ love — for each other, as well as for her — had been the only thing that kept Blue going. After they were gone, there had been so much loneliness and disconnection as she’d been buffeted from group home to foster parents and back again. Blue had watched other kids sink beneath the trials of the foster system. She’d seen them turn to drugs, or evolve into little monsters, aping the people who’d let them down or abused them. She’d seen kids break, losing the power to protect themselves. But she’d been loved once, and she’d held fast to that knowledge, to the truth of that, and it had kept her strong.

  Her memories had saved her, in more ways than one.

  Blue blinked, shaking her head as she realized she’d gotten lost for a moment. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be. You had the sweetest smile on your face just now,” Lena said wistfully.

  Blue contemplated her friend. “Can you remember much from your childhood?”

  Lena had asked the question, after all, and Blue’s gut told her it hadn’t been a random one.

  “Sure. Big stuff, mostly. And a few silly little things.” She studied the back of her hands. “There was this time when I got lost at Kmart. Mum told me not to run off, but I needed to see if they had the new Barbie doll I wanted. So I snuck off, but I couldn’t find the toy department or my way back to Mum.”

  Blue had gotten lost in a department store when she was a kid, too. She could remember the blind panic of it. How impossible it had seemed that she’d ever find her parents again.

  “That’s one of my strongest memories,” Lena said, glancing up at Blue. “Being lost.”

  Blue drew her good leg toward her chest and rested her chin on her knee, never taking her gaze from her friend’s face.

  “If you want to talk about whatever it is…”

  Lena shook her head and turned toward the window again. “It won’t help.”

  “It might.”

  Lena remained silent, resting her forehead against the glass, her gaze on the ocean.

  Blue thought about the way her friend had been checking her phone regularly and made an educated guess.

  “Let me get you started. You met a man,” she said.

  Lena’s head whipped around. “How do you know that?”

  “Lucky guess. Want to tell me about him?”

  Lena’s gaze was haunted as she stared at Blue. “I don’t want to talk about him. I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want him in my head…”

  Blue sat up a little straighter, disturbed by her friend’s patent distress.

  “Did he hurt you?” she asked carefully. Was that what this was about? Was Lena running away from some dominating, violent asshole?

  Lena’s smile was rueful. “No. The opposite.”

  Now Blue was really confused. “What, he made you feel good? And you don’t want that?”

  “Not when it takes over. Not when it’s the only thing you can think about. Not when it consumes you.” Lena wrapped her arms around herself, hands gripping her elbows tightly.

  Dressed in leggings and an oversize mohair sweater, she looked about sixteen — if you discounted the tattoos and the wholly adult lushness of her figure.

  “Is it the same for him?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Are you afraid to ask?”

  “I’m afraid to be in the same room with him.”

  “So don’t be.”

  Lena laughed, the sound about as far from amused as it was possible to get. “Yep. It’s that easy. I’ve been fighting this for a long time, Blue. More than six months.”

  “If this has been dogging you that long, maybe it’s time to stare it in the eye and deal with it. Grab the tiger by the tail, and hold on tight for the ride of your life,” Blue suggested.

  “I’m not as brave as you, Blue. And I’m nowhere near as tough.”

  Blue thought of the way she’d retreated from Eddie barely a week ago. “I’m not brave. I’m a pragmatist. If you can’t go around it, go under it. If you can’t go under it, go over it. And if that option is out, go through it. The only thing you can’t do is go backward or stand still. Life doesn’t work like that.”

  Lena dropped her head forward, her hair flowing down to hide her expression. She seemed so scared and alone, Blue couldn’t bear it. Pushing herself to her feet, she hopped the two steps required to enable her to wrap Lena in her arms.

  “You could always run away and join the circus,” she said.

  Lena laughed, the sound of it vibrating through her slim body and into Blue’s.

  “I already did that, remember?”

  “Yeah, I guess you did.” Lena had left everything she knew and flown to America when she broke up with Rafel.

  Lena squeezed her tightly before letting go and taking a step back. “You are so sneaky. I can’t get you to say a word about what went down with Eddie, but you just made me spill my guts.”

  “Nothing went down with Eddie,” Blue said automatically.

  “Yeah? Then why are you two sending photographs to each other instead of talking like normal human beings?”

  “Because we’re not normal?”

  “Did he hurt you?”

  Blue wasn’t expecting to have the tables turned on her, and she answered before she could edit herself. “Not intentionally.”

  Lena’s expression was grave. “Sometimes intentions don’t matter. You should tell him, give him a chance to make amends.”

  “No.” There was nothing to be gained from that particular discussion.

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s not something I want to talk about. With anyone.”

  Lena pursed her lips, and for a moment Blue thought she would argue the point.

  “Okay. If that’s the way you want it.”

  “It is.”

  “But I’m going to give you the same advice you gave me. If you can’t go around it, go under it. If you can’t go under it…”

  Blue stared at her. “That advice doesn’t work for this situation.”

  “Why not?”

  Because my love is immutable, and so is Eddie’s nature.

  “Because some things you just have to endure.”

  Lena frowned. “That sounds awful.”

  Blue forced a smile. “It’s not really. Most of the time it’s fine.” She grabbed her crutches. “I’m making nachos. You want some?”

  “You’re eating again? Lunch wasn’t even an hour ago.”

  “I have a fast metabolism. Deal with it.” Blue headed for the kitchen.

  “Extra sour cream on mine,” Lena called after her.

  “That’s my girl.”

  Blue came to a halt once she’d gained the privacy of the kitchen, blinking like crazy. It took her a full minute to suppress the urge to cry.

  When she’d succeeded, she turned on the oven.

  There were nachos to make, after all.

  Chapter Seven

  Eddie flipped down the visor in his car and checked his hair. It looked the same as it had when he’d left his place ten minutes ago, and he flipped the visor up again and admitted he was stalling.

  He glanced out the window. He could see lights and movement inside Raf and Maggie’s apartment, which meant the party had well and truly started. No surprises there — he was a full hour late. Everyone else would be there, eating and drinking and catching up with the guest of honor.

  No doubt Blue would be lapping up the attention, enjoying her moment in the spotlight as only she could. Meanwhile, he was sitting in his car, trying to pretend he wasn’t nervous about seeing his best friend for the first time in four weeks.

  He’d almost gone nuts with missing her. He hadn’t realized how many corners of his life she filled until she wasn’t there to fill them anymore. Work felt wrong without her mouthy presence. When he wasn’t working, he sat around brooding over why she’d left and what an ass he’d been to take her for granted the way he had.

  You realize you are th
e poster child for pussies right now, yeah?

  He did. He totally did, but that didn’t change the fact that he had no clue what would happen when he and Blue were in the same room again. Which pretty much killed him.

  He wanted things to be okay between them — and he really, really wanted the chance to prove to her through his actions that she mattered, that she could rely on him. That she was a priority in his life, not just a convenience. If she was hurting, if she was troubled, he wanted to be her first resort, not her last.

  He climbed out of the Ferrari and didn’t bother hitting the bell when he reached the apartment entrance, punching in the code to unlock the door instead. Music hit him the moment he entered, along with the sound of conversation and laughter. He walked through the foyer, pausing on the threshold of the living space to get his bearings. The living areas of the apartment occupied an entire level of the warehouse conversion, the space being pretty equally divided into dining, TV and kitchen zones. A bunch of guys from the studio had commandeered the TV zone, duking it out onscreen in a game of Grand Theft Auto. More people clustered near the dining table and along the kitchen island counter. His gaze found Blue immediately, zeroing in on the electric blue of her hair.

  She was holding court, sitting on the island counter, a bottle of beer in hand. She’d had her hair cut, the sides shaved to almost nothing, the top molded into a smooth, high curve reminiscent of rockabilly singers from the fifties. Her head was tilted back, and she was laughing at something someone was saying, her face bright with amusement.

  Something made her look his way, and the laughter faded from her face as her gaze locked with his, only to be replaced by a slow, warm smile. She cocked a finger, encouraging him to join her, and he didn’t wait for a second invitation. He stopped only when he was in front of her, looking up slightly thanks to the height she’d gained from her position on the counter.

  They’d talked four times since she’d walked out of his house, and texted dozens of photographs back and forth — and yet, suddenly he had no idea what to say or do.

  She solved his dilemma by speaking first.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey yourself.” He could hear the influence of his accent in his voice, always a giveaway he was combatting strong emotion.

  She cocked her head, her eyes warm with understanding. “Come here.”

  She gestured him closer, and he stepped into her embrace. It was the first time he could remember hugging her with her face at the same level as his own — she was so much shorter than him, usually she wound up with her face pressed into his chest. Now, her cheek rested against his own, smooth and warm, as her arms tightened around him.

  “I missed you.” She said it quietly, so only he could hear.

  “Yes,” he said, because he couldn’t get anything else out past the thickness in his throat. He tightened his grip on her, telling her with his body what he couldn’t say with words.

  She pulled back from their embrace, but he didn’t step out from between her legs, one of which was missing a pretty vital accessory.

  “Where’s your cast gone?”

  “They took it off — and they took away one of my crutches. Apparently weight-bearing encourages the bone to knit back together.”

  He looked at her leg, clad in dark denim, protected only by a flimsy-looking brace. “What stops it from snapping in two again while it’s doing that?”

  She grinned. “I have no freaking idea.”

  He couldn’t not smile, not when she lit up like that.

  “You look good,” he said.

  “I feel good. Ribs are better, headaches have gone. And soon this little baby —” she patted her injured leg “— will be in top form and I can have my life back.”

  He looked into her eyes, and all he saw was Blue. No shadows, no reservations. The tension in his neck and shoulders relaxed a notch.

  “Raf tells me you’re back at work on Monday.” He’d very carefully not asked her when she was returning to Melbourne or work in any of their brief conversations. She’d set the boundaries. He was doing his best to respect them.

  “Yep. Tell me — how foul is the microwave in the staff room? I know none of you have cleaned it while I’ve been gone.”

  “Pretty bad.”

  “You people are disgusting. You’d all die from botulism or something even worse if I wasn’t around to keep you in line. How hard is it to put a bit of cling film over the dish when you’re reheating?”

  “You could put a sign in the kitchen.”

  The only thing Blue hated more than cooked-on grunge in the microwave was messages exhorting people to do this or do that.

  “When hell freezes over.” She took a pull from her beer, her gaze roaming his face. “You need a haircut. This Jesus look you’re going for at the moment isn’t working for you.”

  He ran a hand over his hair. “I wasn’t going for a Jesus look. I just haven’t got around to getting my hair cut.”

  “I’ll talk to Cal, hook you up.”

  “Five minutes, and you’re already organizing me?”

  “Someone has to. So, tell me, what else has been happening? Who’s your latest deluded concubine?” She glanced around as though expecting to find someone trailing him.

  “I’m concubine-free at the moment.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “What, this week?”

  “Since Denise.”

  She nearly choked on the mouthful of beer she was swallowing. “You’re kidding me. Eduardo Oliveira, don’t tell me you’re been celibate for five whole weeks?”

  He relieved her of her beer and took a drink. “It’s all coming back to me now — you’re a pain in the ass.”

  “We should contact the Guinness Book of Records. Have you seen a doctor? Are parts of you starting to atrophy?”

  “You finished yet?”

  She grabbed the bottle. “Barely getting started.” She picked up a spoon from the countertop and tapped it against the glass, raising her voice to get the room’s attention. “Listen up, people. We’ve got an emergency on our hands.”

  Everyone obediently quietened and turned their way. Eddie rolled his eyes as he waited for whatever outrageousness she was about to perpetrate.

  “Don’t freak, but Eddie hasn’t been laid in five weeks. I know, I know, it’s like the apocalypse or something. So if anyone’s got any spare action hanging around, send it his way, okay? Because God knows what will happen if he doesn’t —”

  He cut off her final words by laying his hand over her mouth. She laughed, leaning backward to get away from him, and he wrapped his free arm around her so he could control her, pulling her against his chest. She might be small, but she was strong, and she did her best to wriggle away from him as everyone laughed and returned to their own conversations.

  “I just remembered why it took me four weeks to miss you,” he said.

  She bit his hand, and he snatched it away.

  “Bullshit. You missed me like crazy.”

  She was delighted with herself, her cheeks flushed.

  “You’re a menace to society,” he said, releasing her and stepping away.

  “I’m not the one tempting fate by abstaining. You’re upsetting the balance of the universe, you know.”

  Maggie appeared at his side, shaking her head. “You two can’t be in the same room for five minutes without causing trouble, can you?”

  “He started it,” Blue said, pointing at him.

  “Babe, you started it the day you were born,” he said.

  “Before this degenerates into a he-said/she-said squabbling match, can I get you a drink, Eddie? Something to eat?” Maggie asked.

  “You don’t need to wait on me, I’ll grab myself a beer,” he said.

  “While you’re at it.” Blue waggled her empty bottle in the air to indicate she’d like a replacement.

  “So much delicacy of manner. So elegant and refined,” he said.

  “You wouldn’t know refined if it bit you on the ass.” />
  Maggie rested a hand on Blue’s knee. “He’s missed you, you know.”

  Blue’s gaze flicked to him briefly before returning to Maggie. “I know.”

  There was a certain smugness in the way she said it. He made an exasperated noise as he went in search of the beer, but there was no denying the new spring in his step or the relief he felt.

  Blue was back, in every sense of the word. Now things could return to normal.

  Blue watched Eddie make his way toward the utility room where the drinks fridge lived, supremely conscious of how hard her heart was pounding.

  “He really has missed you. I wasn’t just teasing him,” Maggie said beside her.

  “He’ll be sick of me again soon enough.”

  Maggie’s smile was slightly quizzical, but her gaze slipped over Blue’s shoulder as she focused on something else.

  “Oh, Penny came. Yay. I’ll go say hello.” A big smile on her face, Maggie moved off to greet the new arrival.

  Blue was glad for the small reprieve. Eddie would return with her beer soon, and she needed to a moment to recover before she resumed Operation Don’t Fuck Things Up.

  There was no denying how wonderful it was to hear his voice again and look into his eyes… It fed something in her soul, being near him. It also made her so damned conscious of her own body and where it was in proximity to his.

  It made her want to touch him. It made her wet with longing and animal awareness.

  The only good thing was that she’d come here tonight expecting to feel those things. Four weeks of quiet self-contemplation had forced her to face the truth — the accident and its aftermath had shifted something big inside her, and she’d resigned herself to the fact that it wasn’t going to shift back in a hurry.

  It didn’t change anything. Eddie was still her friend. He was still a huge part of her life. She might want him, she might ache for him in a way that she hadn’t ached for him since the very early days of their relationship, but she still couldn’t have him.

  She could handle all of the above, though. That was something else she’d worked out while she was away. Now that she’d finished freaking out over how raw her feelings were, how powerful and visceral and compelling, she had a grip on the situation.