Anticipation

by Sarah Mayberry

  Yes.

  The single word resonated inside him as he studied Blue’s unguarded face.

  He wanted this — whatever it was. He wanted more of Blue in his bed, in his arms. He wanted to stay on this ride and see where it took them.

  The urge to take her in his arms, to wake her with a kiss and pull her warm, sleepy body against his own was almost overwhelming now that he understood his own mind, but his bladder had other ideas. Moving as carefully as possible, he slid from the bed and padded into the ensuite. Shutting the door, he took care of business, then grabbed his toothbrush from the vanity. He studied his own reflection in the mirror as he brushed and fought the absurd impulse to grin like a loon.

  Still, he was feeling pretty damned good by the time he opened the door and slipped into the bedroom — only to pull up short when he registered Blue sitting on the foot of the bed, fully dressed except for her shoes.

  “You’re up,” he said stupidly.

  “Yep.” She gave him a quick smile before bending to pull on her boots.

  “You’re not staying for breakfast, I take it?” he asked.

  Another stupid comment. He was on a roll this morning, clearly.

  “I thought I’d get out of your hair.” She stood, dusting her hands down the thighs of her jeans before eyeing him with casual interest. “You got anything interesting on for the rest of the weekend?”

  He stared at her. Was she seriously trying to blow off what had happened between them with idle chitchat?

  “What’s going on?” he asked after a long moment.

  “Nothing.”

  “Then why are we talking about what I’ve got planned for the rest of the weekend?”

  “Because I’m trying to make this as easy as possible.”

  “We just slept together for the first time. Why on earth would it be easy?”

  “Because we’ve both been here before, and we know the score.”

  He stared at her. Blue was acting as though this was a one-night stand, as though he was some guy she’d picked up at the bar.

  “Come on, Blue. This wasn’t just sex.”

  “You’re right, it’s messy. Which is why I was trying to give you a get-out-of-jail-free card.”

  “What if I don’t want one?”

  Blue shook her head, clearly confused. “Sorry, what?”

  “I don’t want a get-out-of-jail-free card. I don’t need you making it easy. And I don’t want you taking off like we did something wrong last night.”

  Blue stared at him as though he was talking in a foreign language she barely understood. Then her face cleared, her eyebrows rising in comprehension.

  “Oh, right. I get it. You want to do this again.” Her gesture took in the rumpled bed.

  “Call me crazy, but yeah. I had a great night. Didn’t you?” He felt very exposed and oddly defensive. As though he needed to justify himself to her.

  “Yeah, I had a nice time, but that’s kind of irrelevant. You’re my friend, Eddie. I value that a hell of a lot more than good sex.”

  A nice time? Good sex?

  “Last night was more than good,” he said.

  “Okay, great sex. Awesome sex. Amazing sex. It doesn’t change what it was, or who we are. I’m not interested in becoming one of your women, Eddie.”

  “I’m not asking you to,” he said, definitely on the defensive now.

  “Sure, but that’s what will happen, right? We’ll fuck for a while, then something will happen and it’ll die a horrible slow death or even a horrible quick death. Then it will be weird and shitty between us. And I’m not up for that. You’re my friend. I want to keep it that way.”

  “Or it’s great between us, and it keeps getting better.”

  Blue shook her head as though she couldn’t quite believe he’d said what he said, looking away to study the toes of her boots.

  “What?” he asked.

  Her expression was almost apologetic when she glanced at him. As though she knew he wasn’t going to like what she was about to say.

  “Eddie, I know you. I’ve seen you do this a dozen times. Remember Mia?”

  He frowned. Why on earth was she bringing up Mia? “That was four years ago.”

  “Yeah, and you were crazy about her, remember? You guys were all over each other like a rash, couldn’t get enough of each other. And it lasted two months. I’ve got more, if you want them. Sonia. Katie. Helen —”

  “I don’t need a history lesson, thanks.” Suddenly he was very aware of the fact that he was buck naked while she was fully dressed. His jeans were in a tangle at the foot of the bed and he bent to scoop them up.

  “Maybe you do. Because I’m not up for being one of your casualties. I freaking adore you as a friend, but you make a shitty boyfriend, Eddie. And I’m not getting caught in that particular bear-trap. Our friendship is important to me. I’m not prepared to screw it up for a few months of good sex. It’s not worth it.”

  He yanked his jeans over his hips. “So we just walk away? Forget it ever happened?”

  “Yep. We chalk it up as a time-out and we move on. No harm, no foul, no hard feelings.” She raised her eyebrows, waiting for him to agree with her.

  He stared at her, unable to fully comprehend that they could have such different takes on the same situation. How could he have woken up feeling so good about what had happened while Blue simply wanted to put it behind them and carry on as though nothing had changed?

  Her face softened into a worried smile and she took a step forward and rested her hand on his forearm.

  “It’s not that I’m not flattered — I am. And last night was great, but it would kill me if things got weird between us.” She took a deep breath. ”Which reminds me - I’m on the pill, in case you were wondering, and I’m all good otherwise. Figured we should cover that since we kind of forgot about condoms last night.”

  He blinked. He never forgot protection, yet until Blue mentioned it, he hadn’t even considered that there might be repercussions from their night together. He’d been so desperate to be with her, everything else had fallen by the wayside.

  “I’m healthy,” he said. “I had a check up last month.”

  “Then we’re all good.” She leaned close and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I’m going to walk home now, okay? I’ll see you Monday.”

  “Bullshit you’re walking home. Give me a second to finish getting dressed and I’ll drive you.”

  “It’s only twenty minutes, and I want to walk.”

  “Blue —”

  “I’ve walked home from your place plenty of times, Eddie.” Her voice rang with determination. She’d made up her mind.

  “Okay. Fine. Suit yourself,” he said tightly, waving her toward the door. What else could he do? Tackle her and insist on taking her home?

  “I’ll see you Monday, okay?” she said.

  “Sure.”

  Blue threw him one last worried look before slipping into the hallway. The second he heard the heavy clunk of the front door closing, the urge to go after her tensed his leg muscles, but common sense stopped him from taking the first step.

  Blue knew him better than anyone. She knew his past, she knew his strengths and weaknesses, his dreams, his values — and she’d decided that it wasn’t worth risking their friendship to try for more of the magic they’d found together last night.

  She wasn’t interested. She didn’t want to be with him. It was that simple.

  Blown away and gutted, he sank onto the end of the bed and tried to work out what had just happened.

  Blue made it all the way around the corner before she had to stop. Her chest was so tight, she couldn’t get enough air, and she stood in the early morning light in front of a stranger’s house with one hand pressed to her chest, head bowed as she concentrated on her breathing.

  In, out. In, out.

  Don’t think about Eddie’s face.

  In, out.

  Don’t think about what he said.

  In, out.

&nb
sp; And whatever you do, don’t think about last night.

  After a few minutes, her chest opened up a little. Enough to get her walking again, anyway. The last thing she needed was for Eddie to drive past and spot her lurking here like the freaking Phantom of the Opera. All the effort she’d put into the best morning-after performance ever would be completely wasted if he found her here, shaky and weak-kneed and more than a little dizzy with anxiety.

  You did the right thing, she told herself as she put one foot doggedly in front of the other. You absolutely did the right thing.

  It was a pity this was one of those situations where doing the right thing felt completely and utterly wrong.

  Last night had been so good. So good. Being that close to Eddie, falling asleep in his arms… It had been the most intense, beautiful few hours of her life. No contest.

  But this morning… She would never forget the lurch of pure panic she’d felt when she’d realized where she was, what they’d done.

  She almost broke into a run when she saw the sign for her street in the distance. The thought of a shower and a cup of coffee and some privacy to simply freak out without witnesses made her want to sob with gratitude. Then she was climbing the stairs to her apartment and unlocking the door and standing in the quiet of her own place.

  Safe.

  Safe from the temptation of Eddie’s beautiful body and their undeniable sexual chemistry, and safe from the things Eddie had said.

  The invitation he’d extended.

  Desperate for a shower, she peeled off her clothes and made her way to the bathroom. She made the water as hot as she could tolerate and stood beneath the spray for a long time, washing it all away — the anxiety, the desire, the guilt, the fear.

  Finally she turned off the water and reached for a towel. Now she was home she felt tired, her body incredibly heavy. She glanced at the clock. Maggie was due at one o’clock to pick her up for the art exhibition opening they were attending, which meant she could grab another couple of hours’ sleep if she wanted to.

  She didn’t hesitate, lifting the covers and crawling between the sheets. Her hair was still damp and the pillow would get wet, but she didn’t care. She just wanted a few minutes’ peace. A few minutes of sanctuary.

  Her busy brain wouldn’t let up, however, going over and over what they’d said to each other this morning, replaying the baffled, hurt look on Eddie’s face when he’d understood she was bailing on him.

  Walking away from him had been one of the hardest things she’d ever done — but she’d done it for them. She’d done it because their friendship had survived ten years, and she wanted — needed — it to survive another ten.

  Squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she reminded herself of all the women she hadn’t cited this morning — Cristina, Polly, Aisha. God, and Jessie. How could Blue forget Jessie? Eddie had stayed with her for six months, and the poor woman had been devastated when he’d finally pulled the pin.

  Eddie was hopeless with relationships. Blue knew this the way she knew that gravity worked — it was a fact of life. As tempting as it was to allow herself to be seduced into doing things his way, she knew how it would end — the way it always ended: badly, with someone getting hurt.

  She didn’t want to hate Eddie, and she was pretty sure that was what would happen if she kept sleeping with him. At first, of course, it would be amazing. Being able to touch him, feeling so close to him would be a dream come true. It wouldn’t take long before she’d want more than that, though. She always wanted more of Eddie and at some point he would start to get twitchy. She’d say or do something that made him feel crowded or trapped. She’d step over some invisible boundary only Eddie knew about. Then he’d start distancing himself from her, and she’d have to make a decision between hanging in there, hoping she was imagining things, or swallowing her medicine and ending things before it got really ugly.

  Either way, she would be crushed. She didn’t doubt it for a second. And their friendship would be done, and she’d lose him.

  She couldn’t lose Eddie. She refused to.

  He hadn’t been happy with the way she’d ended things this morning, but she was confident they could get past that. In a few days’ or weeks’ time, he’d lock gazes with a woman in a café or a club or a bar, and sparks would fly and Eddie would have someone else to work his wiles on. He’d get over the way he was feeling now, and he and Blue would go back to the way they’d always been.

  She was almost certain it would work that way.

  And in the meantime, she simply had to stick to her guns and remind herself what was at stake: everything.

  Eddie was so furious and frustrated after Blue left he didn’t know where to put himself. He started making breakfast but quickly realized he couldn’t stomach food, so he jumped into the shower instead. The small space only reminded him of last night — Blue’s legs around his hips, her gaze locked with his as he worked himself inside her.

  He could feel himself growing hard, and he flicked the tap to cold. No way was he standing around with a Blue-induced hard-on when she’d bailed on him. It was too freaking pathetic.

  He tolerated fifteen seconds of icy cold water before turning the shower off altogether. The first thing he smelled when he returned to the bedroom was Blue’s perfume. He eyed the tumbled sheets, tempted to strip the bed. If he did that, though, her scent would be gone, and he wasn’t sure he was ready for that yet.

  The thought made him angry all over again and suddenly the urge to do something was overpowering. He pulled on jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt, then grabbed his leather bike jacket and shoved his feet into his toughest boots.

  Nine months ago, he and Raf had gone halves in a Ducati 1299 Panigale Superbike. It had been an expensive indulgence, and the bike lived part-time at Eddie’s place and part-time at Raf and Maggie’s. As luck would have it, Raf had the Ducati at present, so Eddie headed over to his brother’s place to pick it up.

  The notion that Raf might plan on using the bike today only occurred to Eddie as he was parking in front of his brother’s apartment and he ground his teeth at the prospect of having his escape hatch nailed down.

  Fortunately for him, Raf answered the door in his workout gear, and Eddie guessed he’d been using his home gym.

  “Hey. Just here to grab the Duc,” Eddie said.

  “Sure thing,” Raf said easily, standing back to let Eddie in.

  Eddie followed his brother across the foyer to the door that led to the garage.

  “Where’s Maggie?”

  “Working. Then she’s off to some art thing with Blue this afternoon.”

  “Right,” Eddie said tightly.

  They descended a short flight of concrete steps to ground level, where Raf reached out to flick on a bright overhead light. His brother’s black Bentley hulked on one side of the garage and the Ducati was parked between it and the rear wall, its red paintwork gleaming dully in the light.

  “Where you planning on going?” Raf asked.

  “No idea,” Eddie said, shrugging into his jacket and zipping it closed.

  Raf shot him a look, clearly picking up on Eddie’s brusque tone.

  “You okay?” Raf asked.

  “Sure.”

  Raf cocked an eyebrow, patently unconvinced. Eddie stared at his brother, so many words crowding his throat he didn’t know where to start.

  “Am I that shit with women?” he asked abruptly. “I know I don’t have a perfect record or anything, but it’s not like I’m a complete freaking loser. Right?”

  Raf narrowed his eyes. “Define loser for me.”

  Eddie swore. “Really? I’m that bad?”

  His brother smiled. “What’s going on? Don’t tell me you’ve finally met a woman who doesn’t want to play with you?”

  Eddie adjusted the waistband on his jacket, buying himself a couple of seconds to consider whether he wanted to confide or not.

  On one hand, Raf would instantly understand a whole bunch of things without Eddie havi
ng to articulate them — plus he usually offered solid advice.

  On the other, Blue might as well be his sister. Eddie wasn’t entirely sure his twin would approve of what had happened between them last night. Especially since Raf seemed to share Blue’s high opinion of Eddie’s personal life, if the past few minutes were anything to go by.

  “Don’t tell me you’ve got someone pregnant?” Raf asked, suddenly very serious.

  “No. Jesus. Where did you get that from?”

  “You looked so worried. And let’s be honest, it could happen, right?”

  “I haven’t touched another woman since Blue’s accident,” Eddie snapped.

  Raf frowned. “What do you mean, another woman? As opposed to who?”

  Eddie took a deep breath. “Blue.”

  Raf shook his head in confusion. “What?”

  “Blue stayed at my place last night.”

  It took a moment for the import of what he’d just said to hit his twin. Then Raf’s eyes widened and he took a step backward. Distancing himself from Eddie and what Eddie had said.

  “Oh, man.”

  Awesome. That was the response Eddie was looking for. Not.

  “How did that even happen?” Raf asked.

  “How do you think?” Eddie said. “You want me to draw you a diagram?”

  Raf rubbed the back of his neck, and Eddie could see his brother was working hard to process the news.

  He got it. Blue had been a part of their lives for ten years, but neither of them had ever hit on her. They had never even needed to talk about it — they’d both simply known that sleeping with Blue would ruin a good thing.

  “So you’re trying to work out what to do next?” Raf asked.

  “No. I know what I want. But Blue doesn’t want to know about it.”

  “What do you want?”

  Eddie was suddenly too hot in his jacket. He yanked the zipper down and pushed the sides open.

  “I want to see what happens. I think… I think there’s something there, you know?”

  “And Blue doesn’t?”

  “Blue wants to pretend it never happened.”

  “Huh,” Raf said, but Eddie didn’t miss the way his brother’s mouth curled up at the corners.