Plotting Mr. Perfect

by S. E. Babin

  “Do you smell that?” Katie asked.

  “Smell what?” Mel wrinkled her nose.

  “Huh, never mind.” Katie noticed the smell fading away as quickly as it had come. That was strange.

  “You, my friend, are delightfully batty.” Mel squeezed her hand tighter.

  “You’re welcome,” Katie said. “All right. Everyone’s eyes open. Wasn’t that great?”

  “I think you have a much different definition of great than the large majority of the population,” Sherry said.

  Katie ignored her and once again grabbed her laptop. “Let’s finish plotting the perfect man!”

  Piper wiped her face with one hand. “The premise of this idea was much more fun than the actual reality of it.”

  “You encouraged Mel. In for a penny, in for a pound,” Katie said with a smile. “Now, let’s go around the room. When I say go, everyone start blurting out positive qualities. Ready, team?”

  A collective groan resounded in Katie’s small living room.

  Sherry slung her arms around Katie’s shoulder. “There better be more wine in that kitchen. Visualization just killed some of my buzz.”

  Chapter 3

  It was impossible to tell how much wine was drunk, or by whom, but by the time the night was over, all four women were firmly in their cups and everything was hysterically funny. No one was in any shape to drive home, so after some hit-and-miss efforts, Katie managed to dial the cab company and slur out her home address. After thinking she’d gotten one to agree to come over, she half-assed placed the phone back on the receiver and collapsed on the couch next to Mel.

  “Mmm,” she said as she laid her head on Mel’s shoulder. “I love wine.”

  Mel rustled her hair. “Me, too.” She shifted, forcing Katie to sit up. “Hey! I have an idea.” Mel sat all the way up, her eyes sparkling with too much wine and mischief, and even through the haze of booze Katie felt her stomach contract in nervousness.

  “No,” Katie said automatically and laid her head back against the couch. She giggled. “I don’t know what it is, but God bless America, Mel, I’m not sure I’m up to any shenanigans this late.”

  Mel sighed. “We’re doing it. Get up.” She slapped Katie on her bare thigh and stumbled her way off the couch. Katie lifted her head up, eyeballing her. Piper and Sherry, noticing a change in the atmosphere, perked up.

  “What are we doing?” Piper asked as she got up from the floor and swayed unsteadily.

  Mel grinned like a lunatic. “We’re getting Katie a date!”

  Katie’s stomach dropped. “No.” She waved her arms around as she tried to get up from her soft, wonderful couch. “There is no one to date, no one here at all. Unless you’re talking about online. Then hell to the no. That’s even worse.”

  Sherry cackled merrily as she eyed Mel. “I know exactly who she’s talking about.” She lifted her wine glass in a salute. “Brilliant, dear. Even though he mows his lawn too much, he is darling to look at.”

  Katie squawked and sat straight up on the couch. “Mel, don’t you dare.”

  Mel squinted at her watch. “It’s not too late. It’s only ten-thirty! We’ve been drinking wine for hours and look, even if it takes the cab thirty minutes to get here, we’ll still get home in enough time to be sober for work tomorrow.”

  Katie glared at her. “You’re a scientist, for crying out loud. You’re supposed to be the one lecturing us about the dangers of alcohol.” Her head swam with the wine as she tried to get out coherent sentences. “Besides, I’ve lived here for a long time. I’d know if he was interested in me. He’s not.”

  But in the back of her mind, she couldn’t help but think it would be wonderful if someone were interested in her. She’d been on a lengthy dry spell. Even though Will might be a little odd, the thought didn’t turn her off as much as she expected it to. No, she told herself. She’d had too much wine. She was feeling loose, a little desperate…a little out of control. She would be much better off staying inside, drinking about four gallons of water so she wouldn’t be hung over in the morning and going to bed as soon as she possibly could. She wouldn’t even think about entertaining Mel’s idea.

  But Mel was grinning at her the same way she always did when Katie knew she was about to get into trouble. Katie headed into the kitchen and brought out another bottle of wine. “I’m pretty sure this is a terrible idea. So I’m going to make sure I won’t remember it. Who’s with me?”

  Feminine shouts of laughter rang out as Katie popped the cork on the wine and started pouring into their offered glasses.

  * * * *

  “Sssshhh,” Piper hissed as they crept over to Will’s side of the yard. “You guys sound like a herd of buffalo!”

  Snort giggles rang out from the rest of the women. “I’m going to pee,” shouted Katie in between great heaping gulps of laughter.

  “Pee on your side of the yard. For Christ’s sake, Katie, have some couth.” Mel snorted at herself and then held her stomach. “Jesus, I think I’m going to pee myself, too.”

  Sherry tripped over a branch in the yard and spilled her wine. “That was my last glass,” she moaned.

  Mel tiptoed over to help her up and shoved the wine bottle she’d brought from Katie’s house into her face. “Take my glass.”

  Sherry brushed herself off drunkenly, swaying to and fro, and held up her glass. “More.”

  Mel poured her another one, spilling about a quarter of it down Sherry’s arm. “Drink up, sister. We’re ’bout to be CIA agents.”

  They were about as inconspicuous as cat burglars in the daylight as they crept up to Will’s window. Katie, three sheets to the wind and having the time of her life, wanted to see what was going on with him. Instead of knocking on his door, all the women agreed this was the best way to get a glimpse of him without him knowing. “Lift me up,” Katie slurred and lifted one leg in the air.

  “I don’t know,” Piper said. “That seems dangerous. And for the last twenty minutes Mel has refused to put that bottle down. You could end up in the hospital.” But she grinned and cupped her hand in the universal gesture for giving a boost. Katie stepped one foot into her waiting hands, and held on to the side of Will’s window ledge trying to peer in.

  “Mel,” she whispered. “I need more leverage.”

  Mel toddled over to her, the wine now held at a forty-five degree angle and pouring out onto the yard every time she managed a step. “Coming,” she said in that long, drawn-out way that tells you the night’s fun is just beginning. She cupped her hands, allowed Katie to step into them and boosted her up so high that Katie lost her balance and fell right into Will’s living room.

  “Oh, shit.” Piper giggled, seeing Katie’s legs protruding from his window. “Doesn’t he know how dangerous it is to leave his windows open at night?”

  * * * *

  Will sat at his computer, using Photoshop to come up with some new slogans for his T-shirt line. His inspiration was fleeting, so he’d resorted to opening up the whiskey and using headphones to drown out the noise of the craziness next door. This girls’ night was a little less typical of the normal ones, and even though he was amused by most of it, he still had some work to get done, and listening to women screeching all night about their dating problems wasn’t helping him any.

  A loud thump and crash startled him, and he turned to see a heap of woman and a mass of tangled blonde hair on his floor. “What the hell…” His mouth opened in shock as he pulled the headphones off and rested them on his shoulders.

  The woman was wearing an emerald green dress that rode up past her thighs and showed him a long expanse of porcelain-smooth leg. He stared in disbelief. Her head came up with a start and she pushed a mass of hair out of her eyes.

  She waved feebly. “Hi,” she slurred and grinned at him. “My friends thought I needed a date.” She made no move to get up from the floor.

  “So you thought breaking and entering was the way to go?” He was torn between laughter and contacting th
e authorities.

  “It’s Mel’s fault.” She pointed outside. Will stood and made the short walk over to the window. He peered out and saw all three of her friends bent over in hysterical laughter. He sighed heavily and leaned over to help his very intoxicated neighbor up. She smelled like sweet woman and fermented grapes.

  Katie allowed herself to be pulled up, but Will found he was having trouble letting her go. He kept his hand on her arm, paying no attention to the women outside now calling her name. “Do you always go this far for dates?”

  Her blue eyes sparkled dangerously. “I’ve had a lot of wine, Mr. Will. I’m not sure anything I say can be held against me tonight.”

  He closed his eyes and prayed he’d remember all the gentlemanly things his mother had taught him about women, because right now, as much as he knew it was a horrible idea, he had something he wanted to hold against Katie. All night long. He took a ragged breath and pulled her closer against him, feeling the heat of her breath against his lips. “All you have to do is look at me and I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. Is that clear?”

  Katie nodded and snuggled closer. Everything below Will’s waist tightened, and his heart beat heavy inside his chest.

  “Kaatttieeee,” came the voices from outside. “Will is hoooootttt!”

  He shook his head and laughed, the spell momentarily broken. Katie pulled him closer, her body settling against his like the missing piece to a puzzle. He stilled, warring with his conscience, and pushed her away. “We cannot do this, darling.” He turned her away from him and pulled her to his front door. “Next time, knock.” He pointed to the doorbell. “Or ring this. Got it?”

  Katie nodded mutely, hurt in her gaze. He felt his heart soften as he stopped himself from opening the door. He placed his head against her forehead. “All you have to do is come over. Just not like this. When I have you, you’ll remember.”

  He stood straighter, noticing the flush on Katie’s cheeks and the way her blue eyes darkened. So it wasn’t just him then. He nodded once, coming to a decision, and pulled his front door open. Her friends all stood there, one of them with her hand poised to knock. He helped Katie out so she wouldn’t trip over the stoop. “Ladies,” he said, and gave Katie back to them. “I think you forgot something.”

  His neighbor’s wild-haired friend grinned widely. “Did you have fun in there?”

  Will raised his eyes heavenward. “She was with me for about two minutes.”

  The redheaded lady in the back whispered, “That’s about how long it took my ex-husband.”

  Peals of laughter rang out through the night, and even Will had to chuckle. Once he made sure they’d made it back safely into her house, Will shut his door and turned off his porch light, shaking his head in bemusement. Katie was a mystery he planned to unwrap. Slowly and with pleasure.

  * * * *

  Katie cracked an eye open the next morning and took a long moment to curse the wine gods, poor choices and every single one of her friends who showed up for girls’ night last night. There wasn’t a part of her body that didn’t ache and her mouth felt like she’d just finished an appointment with an overzealous dentist.

  She tried to swallow and got nothing but cotton-mouth and a whiff of her awful breath.

  “Unnngggh.” She groaned and turned her head, as if that could help her escape the evidence of the unholy amount of wine she’d consumed. How her friends were faring this morning was anyone’s guess, but if they experienced anything close to what Katie was feeling…they totally deserved it.

  Both eyes open now, she squinted at the light streaming through her sheer bedroom curtains. Shoving the blankets off, she mustered the energy to put one foot, then the other foot on the floor.

  “Holy crap,” she muttered, grabbing her head with both hands. “I’m going to murder Mel.”

  The sound of the doorbell jangling ratcheted through her head. “But first I’m going to murder whoever is ringing that bell.”

  Maybe they’d go away if she didn’t answer. She didn’t move from her precarious spot on the edge of the bed, not sure yet of how brave she was and if her stomach was strong enough to put up with the damage she’d done to it.

  And still the doorbell kept ringing, causing Katie’s temper to rise faster than a boiling teakettle.

  She put both feet on the floor and gingerly pulled herself to standing.

  “Someone better be dead!”

  Katie took a couple of deep breaths and shuffled slowly from her bedroom to the front door. Expecting to see Mel, she wrenched the door open, her mouth ajar with all of the expletives she was about to hurl, and promptly shut it and decided to instead die of mortification. Memories from the night prior played like a bad ‘80s movie through her head. She was lucky he didn’t have her arrested. Or committed. Both probably befitting for her actions. While she couldn’t remember everything, unbidden images of standing too close to her neighbor flew through her head. She’d woken up in her own bed this morning, so obviously he’d rejected her. A slow trickle of disappointment filtered through the embarrassment until she brushed it away and fought to rein in her wild emotions.

  Will stood outside her door with a steaming mug of something and a grease-stained white paper bag. Dear Lord, let that be coffee, Katie prayed. She took a couple of deep breaths and slowly opened the door to peek out at him. The tantalizing scent of aftershave teased her nose. He was clean-shaven and looking altogether quite yummy. The opposite of her in every way this morning.

  Will’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. “Um, wow. You look…um…”

  “Shut up,” Katie muttered and stepped all the way outside. “Are those for me?”

  He handed over the bag first, slowly, like Katie was some kind of wild animal about to pounce. She snatched it away from him, looked inside and wanted to cry. Who was this man and why had it taken her so long to get to know him? She reached inside, pulled out the hot, greasy, delicious goodness and sank her teeth into it.

  “Kolaches,” Katie mumbled through a mouth full of hot bread, cheese and sausage. “God bless you.”

  Will stood there, staring at her with a look akin to horror. She stopped chewing and held her hand out for the coffee.

  “What?” Katie said with her mouth full.

  Will handed her the Styrofoam cup, a grin beginning to tease the edge of his full mouth. “I had no idea what went on during girls’ night. I expect I don’t want to know now.”

  “Wine. Lots and lots of wine.”

  “I can tell. It was probably a good thing I left my window open last night or I’d be having the repair people over today, wouldn’t I?”

  Katie shrugged, trying to play off her mad caper last night. “Sorry.”

  Will’s mouth twitched in amusement. “No worries. Glad you remember it, that’s all.”

  A little bit. God help her. They stood in a companionable sort of silence when Katie happened to look down and notice what she was wearing. A crimson flush crept from her toes to her hairline. It would have been too easy for her to wear something come-hither or even remotely attractive when she stepped out the door. Instead, she’d drunkenly flung on anything she could find before she plowed face-first into her bed last night. Her Nerd Girls do it for π shirt and Luke Skywalker pajama pants were now on full display for the neighbor she had yet to introduce herself to.

  “Wow,” Katie said.

  A full-fledged grin crept onto Will’s face.

  “My name’s Katie. Thanks for the kolaches.” She turned around abruptly, stepped into her house and slammed the door.

  Just in time for her to hear Will yell, “Next time I come over, I’m bringing pie!”

  Katie turned around, leaned into the door and banged her head against it a few times, giving no thought to the excruciating pain. She was too fixated on the embarrassment.

  “God,” she moaned. She tilted her head up and caught a glimpse of herself in the window. “God,” she moaned again. Her hair looked like she’d spent the evening mosh
ing with a crowd of 1980s punk rockers. Mascara ran in rivulets down her face (when did she cry?) and if that wasn’t bad enough, lipstick smudged a deep crimson trail up one side of her face, connecting the two to make her look like a manic, slightly depressed clown.

  * * * *

  The greasy food, a shower and a few Tylenol did wonders for her hangover, but it didn’t mean Katie was up for the challenge of writing. She avoided her laptop like it had Ebola, instead trying to busy herself with tidying up the place. The events of the night trickled back to her in a haze and, more often than not, she found herself chuckling out loud at their antics.

  Once her house was acceptable, curiosity won out over work and she snuggled into the couch to open her laptop and look at the list the four of them had come up with last night. The yea and nay categories were just about evenly matched, yet she didn’t remember adding about a quarter of the traits listed.

  Yummy was a good word, she decided, but figured it probably came from Mel. Hot, most likely from Piper and delicious from Sherry. Her list looked like she was coming up with the perfect recipe instead of the perfect man…although she could see how the traits of a perfect man could be a recipe. A sprinkle of this and a sprinkle of that and she’d have Prince Charming in no time.

  Or not. Katie continued to glance over the list, at times appalled and amused at the descriptions they’d managed to come up with while under the influence of a massive amount of carbs and several glasses of wine. She tried to picture a lean, blond man with all of these traits, but the image blurred and took on the shape of the figure in The Scream, complete with his hands on his face in complete horror.

  “I’d be horrified too, buddy.” Katie closed the laptop with a resounding click. Blue sparks shot out from inside the computer, startling her. She shot up from her seat, the computer falling from her lap. It lay quiet on the floor, turned onto its side, no evidence of any more sparks.