Plotting Mr. Perfect

by S. E. Babin

  Katie sighed and drank the last of her beer down. She set the empty bottle on the table as she came to a decision. She still thought he was a complete whackadoo, but she didn’t think he was going to kill her. “Come inside,” she said as she got up from her chair. “It’s warm and I can get you something to eat.”

  A grin spread across his face, warming Katie’s heart and making her decision seem a little less insane. “Thank you, Katie. You won’t regret it.”

  “I better not. I have my Taser set to stun.”

  He blinked, obviously not getting the reference. Katie shook her head, opened the door and gestured him inside. Leo tucked the blanket around him, brushed by her and entered her home. At least this time he had something to cover up with. Katie wasn’t sure she could take one more glance at naked man junk today.

  * * * *

  So what was the protocol when the supposed man of your dreams was standing in your kitchen? Offering him a cup of tea didn’t seem like the smoothest thing Katie could do, but she was never one to be quick-thinking when confronted with strange things like this, so she did the only thing she could do. Be hospitable.

  She pasted a smile on and glued her attention to his face. That was the safe zone.

  “So, Leo,” she chirped brightly, “would you like some coffee or something?” He was handsome as sin and Katie was having trouble focusing on his weirdness because of his close proximity. He filled up her kitchen with a distinct masculine energy she wasn’t sure she was comfortable with yet.

  Leo shrugged. “I do not know what this coffee is, but if you like it, I’m sure I will too.”

  Okay. Leo seemed to be in one mode only: Please Katie.

  Maybe they should have added some extra things to the list…like personality and willpower.

  “Yes, coffee. I’ll get it.” She swallowed and spun around, digging through the cabinets in an effort to keep her hands busy and her gaze away from Leo’s assets. The blanket offered some coverage, but it kept slipping down, offering her tantalizing glimpses of golden flesh. She needed to get the man some clothes. Stat.

  “Umm, Leo?” Katie didn’t turn around. She didn’t think her good girl morals could stand much more testing.

  “Yes, Katie?” His smooth baritone rolled over her. Katie took a couple of deep breaths, willing the gooseflesh prickling her skin to subside.

  Don’t turn around. Don’t turn around. “Would you mind maybe keeping the blanket completely closed?”

  In a matter of seconds, he moved closer. She could feel the heat of his body even though he wasn’t touching her.

  She swallowed and prayed for a little more willpower.

  “Does my nearness affect you, Katie?” His breath tickled her ear.

  “Not at all.” But they both knew she was lying. Mugs clacked together as Katie selected one from the cabinet, unable to stop her shaking hands. “But finding some clothes would be helpful. It’s not exactly normal for people to walk around naked all day.”

  Leo stood there for just a few more seconds, although to Katie it felt more like a matter of excruciating hours, and finally stepped away.

  She exhaled a breath she hadn’t known she was holding and her shoulders dropped from her ears back to their normal place. Still, she didn’t turn around, instead busying herself with making Leo’s coffee and another for her, although she’d prefer something much stronger. On second thought, maybe a drink wasn’t the best decision right now, at least until she figured out what to do with Leo.

  Once she finished, she turned around, looking down at the floor, hoping Leo was decent.

  “I’m covered, Katie. I apologize. My programming did not reveal your modesty. I’ve updated it and assure you I will no longer go unclothed.”

  Who was this guy? “Ummm, thanks, I think.” Katie looked up. He was sitting on the couch with the blanket wrapped around his body like a toga. She breathed a sigh of relief and handed over the steaming mug.

  Leo accepted it with a confused look. “Will this burn me?”

  He was like a toddler. “Only if you sip it too fast. You let it cool for a little bit, then take a sip. It will be comfortably warm soon enough.”

  A hesitant smile appeared on his face as he cupped the mug like a bowl of soup. She’d have to show him how to properly hold it later. Getting him inside and clothed took a huge chunk of her energy. She needed a moment to sit down and figure this out.

  And then figure out what to tell Mel when she showed back up expecting Leo to be gone.

  “So, Leo,” she started. “How does this thing work? Is this normal? Do you people just show up when a bunch of drunk women randomly write out lists. And where did you come from?”

  He cocked his head at her. Katie snorted at the vaguely Spock-like gesture. Highly illogical.

  “I do not know what you mean. I am the first of my kind. I think. I have no memories of any time prior. I woke up in your house with a single purpose. You.” He leaned forward, shoulders hunched and noisily slurping his coffee.

  Katie cringed. For such a pretty man, he wasn’t showing many table manners. Perhaps that should have been added to the list, too. She had to smile at the ridiculousness of the situation. Leave it to them to create a beautiful man and leave him completely helpless in society. It must be the mother instinct in women. He was gorgeous, articulate and all the other things she’d asked for, but taking him out in public would be like introducing E.T. to the world again.

  “So now what do we do?” Katie asked.

  “I don’t understand. I am here. Exactly like you wanted.”

  “I see that,” Katie said dryly and took a deep sip of her coffee, wondering what the hell she was going to do about it. “Do you have a job?”

  His face lit up like an eager puppy. “Yes! I go in to work on the day you call Monday.”

  But Katie wasn’t as excited. “And where are your clothes?”

  “I can create clothes as I wish.”

  “You—you what?” Katie spluttered. “You were lying in my yard naked! And then you stood in my kitchen without a stitch of clothing on and you’re just now telling me all you have to do is say bibbity bobbity boo and you can have a suit?”

  “I do not know what this bibbity bobbit—”

  Katie groaned loudly and slapped a palm over her face. With her other hand she set her mug down with a clatter and pointed at Leo. “Clothes. Now.” She waved her hand in a shooing gesture at him.

  “What kind of clothing do you wish?”

  This was going to get old in a hurry. “Leo.” Her patience was running out. “Anything is better than your naked rear end sitting on my couch cushion.”

  “You don’t like my nake—”

  “Now!”

  Leo bowed his head, abashed. He pressed the thumbs of his right hand against the webbing between his forefinger and thumb of his left hand, and a control panel complete with flashing blue lights opened up in his palm.

  “Cooool,” Katie whispered, her doubts about the validity of his story falling away. The woman in her was still freaked, but the writer inside was dying to tell this story. “So you’re like a freaky computer android guy.”

  “Hardly,” Leo said, but didn’t look her in the eye as he busied himself with pressing a complicated series of numbers into the panel. “I can assure you I am one hundred percent male.”

  She didn’t really see how that was possible, but just a few hours ago she didn’t expect to find a naked android man lying in her yard. If she rubbed her coffee mug, would a genie pop out? If so, she was just going to roll with it and keeping wishing for more wishes all while she stared lustily at the robot on her couch. As she watched, the blanket fell from his shoulder and a pair of dark wash jeans and a T-shirt slowly began to form against his body. It was like watching something out of The SIMS, only there was no computer screen to be had, just her and a man named Leo magically dressing without moving a muscle right before her eyes.

  To look at him, one would never know there was anything
different about him. Until he spoke, that is. Then all bets were off.

  Making her mind up, Katie stood. “All right, Leo. You’re not quite the perfect man yet.”

  At his crestfallen look, she chuckled. “Not to worry. We’ll catch you up.” She retrieved her laptop where it had been carelessly tossed and once again fired it up. Katie sat down next to him, more comfortable now that he wasn’t a walking centerfold. “Now. Have you ever heard of YouTube and Google?”

  * * * *

  Several hours and a crick in her neck later, Katie was pleased with the progress they’d made. Leo did not look as pleased and wore a confused look on his face as he stared at the computer screen. This was much the same look he had been wearing almost as soon as she fired up the laptop and began to show him the world through the eyes of the internet.

  “I don’t understand. Is this really what the fox says? And why is everyone dressed up so strangely?”

  Katie leaned over and slid the laptop off his lap and back onto the couch. “Maybe I shouldn’t have ended with that one. Sometimes people have a very weird taste in music.”

  “You are most right, Katie.” The confused look lingered on his face for a moment and then he turned to Katie and smiled. “But I like cars!”

  “You and every other thing with a penis,” she said under her breath.

  Katie showed Leo everything she could think of. Pop culture, how-to articles, information about table manners, dating, the differences between men and women, self-confidence articles, anything she thought might have made a difference to him was something she typed into the search engine. He was like a sponge, occasionally asking questions and typing into the freaky built-in arm keyboard, but for the most part he was content to sit back, listen and learn.

  It was a trait Katie wished more men would have. She took a moment to study him, unsure of where they were going. His story was unbelievable, but the panel in his arm was unmistakable. Unless this was some elaborate practical joke and someone was about to jump out and announce she was on a reality show. Could Katie actually date someone who wasn’t technically human? And could he have children? She didn’t think so, but it was something she needed to ask him if they ever made it that far.

  And if they didn’t, could she turn someone like him into the world with no support system? Would he suddenly self-destruct if she told him she didn’t want him?

  But the main question was did she want him that way? She didn’t have an answer right now. It had been awhile since she’d enjoyed the company of a man, and she wouldn’t mind getting to know Leo in the biblical sense, certainly, but waking up to him every morning? Now that she wasn’t sure about.

  Her traitorous thoughts drifted back to Will. He was everything she didn’t want. Plus he had the wrong hair color. She wanted blond all-American little cherubs running around. Marrying someone blond increased her chances. And, yes, Katie knew it was a dumb reason, but she’d been planning her wedding and family in her head for years. She didn’t need a Black Irishman to come in and screw it all up. Not that he even thought of her that way…especially not after he witnessed her bringing a buck naked man into her living room and then inviting him in again, right after he’d asked her out on a date. Any romantic thoughts he might have had had scattered to the wind once that happened.

  Katie blew out a frustrated breath and patted Leo’s arm. “It’s Saturday. We’ve been cooped up all day. How about we go running around for a little while?”

  “Running around? But I don’t have a tracksuit.”

  Katie sighed. “It’s a metaphor, Leo. We aren’t actually ‘running’. I have way too much coffee in my veins for that. We’re just getting out of the house for a little while. Sound good?”

  Leo shook his head. “It will take me awhile to pick up on strange human language.”

  “Yeeeah,” Katie drawled. “Rustle up a digital jacket, android, and let’s go.”

  * * * *

  The only comparison Katie could make to driving with Leo in a car for the first time was that of an excited dog. Leo was shaking with excitement and pressed his face against the passenger side window every time they passed something interesting.

  She was making an extraordinary effort not to laugh, but if his tongue came out, she knew she was going to lose it. Taking him out on the town proved to be a good idea, especially if he was this excited about transportation. Speaking of which, she needed to figure out how Leo expected to get back and forth to work…and hope it didn’t include her. Maybe he had some downloadable driving instructions inside of that magic arm of his; otherwise they were going to have to ask Google again. She was not about to teach a grown man how to drive.

  “Katie!”

  She jumped, cutting the steering wheel sharply to the right. “Shit! Leo! Dear God, man, you scared the hell out of me!”

  Leo looked abashed, but he couldn’t quite keep the dopey smile off his face. “It’s Trader Joe’s! Look!” He pointed out the window, then looked back over his shoulder to see if she was looking.

  The groan she’d been holding in slipped out. “Yes, Leo. I live here. I know about Trader Joe’s.”

  He looked away, the flash of disappointment gone as quickly as it came, and Katie’s stomach sank. She shouldn’t be so hard on him. It’s not every day you’re born into the world without a clue, right?

  “I’m sorry,” Katie said, contrite. “Humans tend to take things for granted when we see them every day.”

  “For granted? What does that mean?” Her attention turned back to the road, but she felt Leo’s gaze linger on her, curious.

  “It just means that when we see something for too long, it loses its allure.”

  Leo thought about it for a moment. “Perhaps that is why America’s divorce rate is so high.”

  She laughed in surprise. Leo—1, Katie—0.

  “People are a little bit different, but I think you have a valid point there. Are you hungry?”

  Katie exited the freeway and turned into a shopping lot with her favorite restaurant, Amato’s.

  “I’m not sure,” Leo said. One of his hands strayed to his flat stomach. “Perhaps I could eat.”

  “I certainly hope so. Or you’re going to watch me eating. I’m starving.” Katie showed Leo how to unbuckle his seatbelt, easier said than done, and once she had him out of the car she guided him into the restaurant.

  The scent of fresh garlic and basil assaulted her nose and she drew in a deep breath. “You’re going to love this.”

  “Katie!” An elderly man limped up to greet them, his hands outstretched and a wide smile on his still handsome face. Amato Moretti, owner and friend, engulfed Katie into his beefy arms and squeezed her heartily. “It has been awhile. Welcome, welcome back!”

  Katie squeezed back and stepped out of Amato’s arms. “I’ve had a bad case of writer’s block, Amato. But that doesn’t mean I get to neglect my favorite Italian!”

  Amato’s attention turned to Leo and one bushy eyebrow lifted. “Writer’s block?” he questioned with a healthy dose of skepticism. “I think there’s an entirely different reason for your absence.” He laughed with fervor and clapped a confused Leo on the back. “I am Amato.” He bowed to Leo. “And you are a lucky man, sir. Take care of my beautiful Katie, eh?”

  Katie laughed nervously. “Uh, Amato, I don’t think—”

  He waved an impatient hand at her. “You don’t have to explain anything to me, lady. It’s about time you found someone!”

  By then, Leo had grasped what Amato was saying and a sultry grin slid onto his face. He reached over and pulled Katie close, squeezed her waist and slid his hand down to grasp one side of her rear end.

  She squeaked. “I should not have showed you that site on dating!” she whispered fervently and tried to remove the offending hand, but Leo just continued to grin.

  Amato clapped his hands. “Young love!” His deep accent bounced across the restaurant, causing other diners to glance up at the scene. Katie tried to shrink away, bu
t Leo’s arm felt like a vise and she was forced to stand there smiling with gritted teeth.

  “That’s right, isn’t it, Katie Bug?” Leo tapped her nose. “Let’s eat!”

  “I hate you,” Katie whispered under her breath.

  Amato gestured, and Leo pulled her toward the dining room and into the stares of the other customers. “No you don’t. You think I’m seeeexy.”

  Katie snorted. “I can still hate sexy people. Now get your hand off my ass, Leo. I know Google didn’t teach you that.”

  Leo didn’t comply, instead giving it another healthy squeeze, to the delight of Amato and the other diners. When they arrived at the table, he finally let go and pulled out her chair with a flourish. “Madam.” He bowed.

  Katie rolled her eyes, trying not to smile at his antics, and sat down. Amato snapped the red and white checkered napkin off the table and laid it across her lap.

  “Buon appetito.” Amato gave her a wink and left her and Leo alone at the table.

  “Definitely,” Leo said, but the look in his eyes had nothing to do with food.

  * * * *

  As the dinner progressed that night, Katie noticed how human-like he was becoming. Not that he didn’t look human, because Katie could barely look at him without breaking into spontaneous drool. His actions made him seem not of this Earth and held Katie back. He was sort of Spock and she was sort of Captain Kirk…if Leo had pointed ears, and she had dangly bits and a tendency to over-act.

  But once Leo became comfortable with his surroundings he morphed into a perfect gentleman. Katie caught flashes of the android living inside the man, especially when he was confronted with something he didn’t understand, but he masked it with a charming self-deprecation. In spite of herself, her heart felt a little hiccup for him.

  Overall, the dinner went well. Leo was well-versed in all sorts of topics, thanks to the handy bionic arm, and when Katie brought up something he didn’t know he listened with a frightening intensity. She was both charmed and a little reserved. Could someone like this become a productive member of society? A person who could live among others comfortably? He was a man, technically, Katie reasoned, but there was an almost child-like quality to him that was missing in this world. That quality worried Katie. People weren’t always understanding and they weren’t always good. She could see someone like Leo getting involved in a harmful situation just because of his naiveté.