Time Search

by Danele J Rotharmel

  Suddenly, the porch swing lurched beneath someone else’s weight.

  Phoebe stiffened and sat up straight. Opening her eyes, she stared at Alex in the starlight.

  “Having problems?” he asked. His voice was full of tender concern.

  When she didn’t answer, he said softly, “I heard you walking across the floor and decided to see how you were doing.”

  “I’m fine,” she said baldly.

  Alex shook his head. “You aren’t, you know. Do you want to talk about it?”

  “All the talking in the world won’t change what happened,” she snapped.

  “I know. But sharing your pain might help it lessen.”

  “Why do you care?” she demanded with a lump in her throat. “I would think you’d be glad to see me in pain after what I did to you today.” She glared at him. “I flirted with Russ deliberately. I wanted to hurt you.”

  “I know,” Alex said softly. “But you don’t know me very well if you think I’d ever want you hurt in return. I know you’re upset and confused, and you have every right to be. You went through something awful—something most people wouldn’t have been able to endure—and you survived.”

  Her jaw tightened. “I survived, but it changed me.”

  “I know that, too.” Alex laid a tentative hand on her arm. “God can help you with your anger. He can make something good come out of your pain.”

  Phoebe shoved his hand away. “You keep saying that, but I don’t believe you.”

  “Phoebe, God will—”

  “Stop talking about God!”

  Alex swallowed hard. “Phoebe—”

  “Drake took everything from me,” she shouted. “Do you understand what that means? All that I was. All that I hoped to become. It’s all gone. He took it. I wish none of this had ever happened. Nothing good has come of it and nothing ever will.”

  His eyes captured hers. “Nothing good has come of it? Are you sure? Nothing at all?”

  As he reached toward her, she flung his hand away before it could touch her. “Absolutely nothing,” she spat. “Nothing that matters. Nothing of value.”

  Phoebe watched Alex’s face turn pale.

  After a long pause, he said quietly, “I understand completely.” Rising from the swing, he took off his jacket and tucked it around her shoulders. “I’m going to check on the horses. Don’t get chilled.”

  She stared at him in confusion. Something about the tone of his voice was different, and something about his expression wasn’t quite right. She sensed that something was horribly wrong. She watched as he turned his back on her and walked across the yard.

  As he slipped into the barn and turned on the lights, she looked up at the stars and tried to figure out why he’d seemed so stricken. Thinking back over their conversation, dismay overwhelmed her. Her breath came in painful gasps as she realized the implication of her words. She had just told him that he didn’t matter. She had essentially said that all of the love he’d showered upon her, all of the time he’d spent helping her, the fact that he’d opened his home to her, the way he cared for her and pampered her—all of that was worthless in her eyes. She hadn’t meant the words the way he’d taken them, but they were spoken. She couldn’t take them back.

  Shuddering, Phoebe dropped her head into her hands. At that moment, all of her trumped up anger against Alex faded and died. She knew he had never conspired to have her hurt. He was the most caring man that she had ever known. Willfully causing harm to another person was simply not in his nature. The only thing he was guilty of was showing her patience and love, and she’d just told him that his love was valueless.

  Remembering the burning pain in his eyes and the resigned tone of his voice, Phoebe stared at the barn and chewed her lip. She’d been treating him horribly, and he’d taken it in stride, but she knew instinctively that she’d gone too far. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if she didn’t do something to make things right, she’d be guilty of destroying his love for her.

  Suddenly, she realized something else. She loved him. In fact, she loved him more than anyone she’d ever known. She wanted to marry him. She wanted to build a life with him. She wanted it desperately, but her thoughtless, cruel words may have just ruined her chance for happiness.

  A sense of urgency rose within her. Phoebe jumped up. In her bare, bandaged feet, she ran across the meadow grass toward the barn’s lights. She had to see Alex and make things right. She had to ask his forgiveness. She just hoped it wasn’t too late.

  ~*~

  Drake paced back and forth in Crystal’s living room. As usual, the agents posted outside her apartment hadn’t been a problem. The morons were probably fast asleep in their shiny SUV. He almost wished they’d spotted him. He needed to expend some energy. His rage felt like a vat of boiling lava. Every time he thought about Crystal holding Marc’s hand, he wanted to slash something—preferably her throat. After all, he had spared her life. That meant she belonged to him. She didn’t have the right to flirt with Marc.

  “Dead-ends and traitorous witches,” he muttered, cracking his knuckles. “She needs to die.”

  ~*~

  Feeling frantic, Phoebe sprinted through the barn door searching for Alex. After a few moments, she spotted him in a shadowy corner sitting on a pile of straw. His back was pressed against the wall, and his shoulders were slumped in a way that tore her heart. As she walked toward him, he refused to look at her. She studied his bent head. The silence was so oppressive that the sound of Silverfire and Lovely Lass whickering in their stalls seemed overly loud.

  Phoebe knew she should speak, but a lump in her throat was choking her. She desperately wanted to make things right, but she wasn’t sure how. As she stood in painful confusion, she instinctively did what she had done countless times in the hospital. She curled into a tiny ball on Alex’s lap and buried her face against his chest. As she had hoped—as they had done countless times before—Alex’s strong arms encircled her and held her close.

  Laying his cheek against her hair, he murmured gently, “What’s wrong?”

  “I hurt you,” she whispered against his shirt.

  Alex’s arms fell slowly away. She felt him raising his head. When he didn’t speak, Phoebe glanced up and saw that his blue eyes were full of a pain that seemed to reach all the way down to his soul. As she stroked his cheek, he took a deep, shuddering breath.

  Biting her lip, she said again, “I hurt you.”

  Looking at her, Alex said quietly, “Yes. You did.”

  At his admission, a stinging ache seared through her chest. Licking her lips, she whispered, “I’m sorry.”

  “That’s OK. I can take it.” He smiled gently, but the smile didn’t erase the pain in his eyes.

  “No,” she said vehemently. “It’s not OK. I owe everything to you. You’ve been so decent and loving. I—”

  “It’s OK,” he said again. “I understand why you said what you did. You went through something unimaginable, and it was wrong of me to hope that my actions could make up for it.”

  “Alex, I didn’t mean—”

  “It’s OK,” he repeated, laying a finger against her lips to stop her words. “I’ve been thinking, and there’s no reason for Drake to win. When I know it’s safe, I’ll take you back to Washington D.C., and we’ll put your life back together. You had goals and dreams before this all took place, and we’ll get them back for you.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t belong in my old life anymore.”

  “You think that you don’t, but you do. Soon, this will be a distant memory, and your life will be back on track.”

  A tear trickled down Phoebe’s face. “I’m not the same person anymore.”

  “I know,” Alex said, wiping her tear away. “You’ve been through the fire. But fire purifies gold and makes steel stronger. You’ll make a wonderful time counselor.”

  She shook her head.

  “If you don’t feel up to counseling for a while, we’ll get you a job at the TEMC
O lab.” The pain in his eyes intensified. “The leader of the program is my brother, if you remember. I can always pull a few strings.”

  Ignoring the veiled mention of Dan, she asked, “What about you? What will you do?”

  “I’ll stay with you until you’re comfortable. After that, I’ll come back here.” His voice caught. “Once you have your old life back, you won’t need me anymore.”

  “No,” Phoebe said, throwing herself against his chest. “I’ll always need you. Always.”

  Putting a finger beneath her chin, he raised her face and looked into her eyes. “I know that in the hospital we said we’d always need each other, but that wasn’t very realistic. You have your own life to lead, one that doesn’t include me.”

  She shook her head, her breath catching on a sob. “I belong here, with you, in our home on the meadow. Please, don’t make me go.”

  Alex’s eyes looked tormented. “I don’t want you to leave,” he said in a ragged voice. “But I can’t live like this anymore. I’m not strong enough. I’ve tried to be, but I can’t go on living beside you—caring about you—and having you hate me. It’s tearing me apart.”

  Phoebe put a gentle hand on his cheek. “I know.”

  “Then you know that I need to take you back home.”

  “No.”

  Alex winced. “I thought you said that you understood.”

  “I do.” Leaning against his chest, she took his face in both of her hands. Looking into his troubled eyes, she asked gently, “Do you still love me? Do you still want to marry me?”

  “It’s not fair of you to ask me that,” he replied in a haunted voice.

  “I don’t care,” she said firmly. “You’ve never lied to me, and I know you’ll give me a truthful answer.” Alex tried to turn his head away, but she wouldn’t let him. “Answer me.”

  Giving a shuddering breath, he said slowly, “Yes, I still love you. And yes, I still want to marry you.”

  “Then we’ll get married,” she said calmly.

  “No,” he said in a fierce, tormented voice. “You would marry me out of gratitude. I couldn’t be satisfied with that. Don’t you understand? It’s better if I take you back to your old life.”

  “I don’t agree.”

  “You have to.”

  Keeping her hands firmly on both sides of his face, Phoebe gazed into Alex’s eyes. Very slowly, and very gently, she kissed the side of his mouth.

  Alex jerked his head away with such force that it banged against the wall of the barn. His breathing was coarse and ragged. “Stop it,” he said harshly. “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

  Capturing his head in her hands, she murmured, “I know exactly what I’m doing.”

  Very slowly, and very deliberately, she kissed the other side of his mouth. As she clung to him, she felt him shiver.

  “Phoebe,” he muttered in an agonized voice, “I can’t let you marry me out of gratitude. That type of marriage would never work. You’re being cruel. Please, stop toying with me.”

  Looking at his anguished face, she said tenderly, “Who said I was toying?”

  Pressing her trembling lips gently to his, she tried to infuse all of her love, all of her longing, all of her desire into her kiss. She tried to let her kiss say what her stumbling tongue could not. After a few moments, she felt his lips responding to hers.

  When the kiss ended, she studied Alex’s face. Instead of pain, his eyes were full of dawning wonder and hope, but behind the hope, there was still lingering doubt.

  With gentle fingers, she brushed a tumbled lock of golden hair away from his forehead. “I’m sorry that I hurt you,” she said in a faltering voice. “I was angry and confused, and I took it out on you when you did nothing to deserve it. I know you didn’t conspire to have me hurt. And I know that you don’t need help finding a wife. Any woman would be lucky to have you.” She felt herself blush. “Alex, I am sorry. And I’m grateful for all that you’ve done, but…”

  “But what?” he asked softly.

  Her blush deepened. “But it isn’t out of remorse or gratitude that I want to marry you. I want to marry you because I love you.”

  Very gently, Alex cupped her chin in his hand. At his tender touch, she felt her heart somersaulting.

  Raising her eyes to his, she confessed in a soft, breathless voice, “Alex, you’ve begun to haunt my dreams. You even haunt my waking thoughts.”

  At her words, she saw a wave of joy washing over his face, and in her own heart, she felt a flood of pent-up emotion breaking free. Stroking his cheek, she said again—this time in a strong, clear voice, “I love you, Alex.” She gave a happy, little laugh and kissed his chin. “I love you so much!”

  Alex pulled her swiftly into his arms and pressed his lips to hers. He kissed her with such passion and tenderness that her whole body trembled. When their lips finally parted, he trailed his lips to her ear and murmured, “I love you, too. I always have, and I always will. Promise.”

  Shivering with delight as he pressed his lips to her neck, she whispered, “I was wrong about what I said before. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. If I had to choose between never knowing you and never knowing the torment that I experienced at Drake’s hands, I know what I’d choose. I’d choose to know you. I’d go through everything again just to have your arms around me.”

  Raising his head, Alex said brokenly, “If I could’ve taken the beatings for you, I would have. I promise, I would have.”

  “I know. Your love makes all of the pain worth it.”

  His lips found hers again, and for a moment, silence reigned. When their kiss ended, Phoebe brought her lips to his ear and whispered with a catch in her voice, “The only thing I regret is that I come to you broken.”

  Alex made a pained, strangled sound in his throat. Taking her face in his hands, he rained a frenzy of kisses on her cheeks. Raising his head, he said firmly, “You aren’t broken. You’re beautiful.”

  Phoebe’s eyes welled with tears. One slipped down her cheek.

  Wiping the tear away, Alex said gently, “I know you’re still hurt and confused, but we’ll work through your pain together.”

  “Hand in hand?” she asked.

  Nestling his lips against her forehead, he whispered, “Always and forever. I promise.” Phoebe clung to him, wrapped in an almost physical blanket of contentment.

  “So, beautiful,” Alex murmured against her hair, “how does it feel to be engaged?”

  “Beyond wonderful. You?”

  He ran a loving finger over the Cupid’s bow curve of her lips. “The same, plus infinity.” He sighed. “I could stay here all night, but it’s chilly. I’m afraid you’re going to become too cold.”

  Phoebe gave him a mischievous grin. “I don’t feel cold. Your arms are nice and toasty.”

  His eyes twinkled. “Regardless, let’s get you back inside the warm cabin. I’ll make you some chamomile tea.”

  “I’d rather have another kiss,” she murmured, snuggling against him.

  Smiling, Alex shook his head gently. “So would I, but I think we’d better come up for air and just settle for the tea.”

  “Now who’s being a wise Solomon?” she asked, cocking a brow.

  “Me, you little Efrafan doe,” he replied, standing up. “I think your mother would approve.”

  “As a mother, maybe,” Phoebe said, smiling reluctantly as he helped her to her feet. “But as a woman, and as an avid Watership Down fan, I’m sure she would echo my sentiment and say, ‘Embleer hraka.’”

  Alex threw back his head and laughed. “Maybe so.” He tucked her hand within his own. “But tea it is.”

  ~*~

  Nicole held Zeke close as he awoke from another nightmare. “Shh,” she murmured, stroking his sweaty hair from his forehead. “Let the dream pass.”

  “I’m sorry,” Zeke said in a ragged voice, pulling slowly away from her. “Please, go upstairs and get some sleep.”

  She shook her head. “I�
��m parked here for the night, mister. You’re not running me off this time. Deal with it.”

  When he didn’t try to argue, Nicole’s worry increased. She knew he was emotionally exhausted. In fact, he looked as if he were past his breaking point. She had to do something. She couldn’t keep avoiding the topic they were dancing around.

  Rubbing a shaking hand over his eyes, he gave a weary sigh. “How do you feel about playing another game of cribbage?”

  She took a deep breath. “How about if we talk instead?”

  Exhaling slowly, he nodded. “I think you know everything that happened to my mother and Robyn, but I’m willing to go over it again if you want me to.”

  “That’s not what I want to discuss. I want to talk about Marc.”

  Zeke’s eyes became guarded. “Why?”

  “Has he asked for your forgiveness?”

  “That doesn’t matter,” Zeke mumbled.

  “You’re right. It doesn’t,” she said firmly. “Even if Marc hasn’t asked for forgiveness—even if he doesn’t think that he did anything wrong—you still need to forgive him.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Zeke, that’s not true, and you know it.” She shook her head. “Why are you being so stubborn about this?”

  “Marc doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. No man who hurts a woman does.”

  Nicole sighed. “Do you love me?”

  “Of course I do,” he exclaimed. “Why would you ask such a thing?”

  “Because if you refuse to forgive Marc you’re going to destroy what we have together.”

  “You would break up with me?” He sounded shocked.

  “I wouldn’t have to,” she said softly. “You would end up pulling away from me. Unforgiveness. Bitterness. Anger. Hatred. When we allow those emotions to dominate our thinking, they change who we are. Bitterness is a greedy predator. It won’t be content to just take over one part of your life or one part of your thinking. The longer you let it reign unchecked, the more it will devour. Soon, your bitter thoughts will be all that you think about and all that you talk about. Your grudge will become your whole life. It will squeeze out everything good. Zeke, I promise, it will eventually squeeze me out as well. Regardless of what I want, you will leave me—mentally, if not physically. Your unforgiveness will destroy what we have. It will destroy who you are.”