Envy

by Victoria Christopher Murray

  With just a few folds and bends, I had Mauricio set.

  “Thanks, babe.” He kissed my cheek. Turning to Bella, he said, “So, you’re ready for school?”

  Bella and I spoke at the same time.

  “Yes,” she said.

  “No,” I shouted. “Really, Mauricio?”

  “What?”

  “Stop playing,” I said before I turned to the only female in the world who could go to war with me and sometimes win. “Bella, you can’t wear that to school.”

  From the corner of my eye, I saw my husband tiptoeing from the room. Chicken!

  Bella folded her arms. “I wanna wear this.”

  “You have to wear the clothes I laid out for you.”

  She pouted. “I don’t want to wear those clothes.”

  “Today is picture day, so you can’t wear your tutu.”

  She squinted. “Those clothes are too ugly for pictures.”

  I raised my eyebrows. Was this little girl questioning my taste in fashion? And then, I wondered, why was I having this debate with a five-year-old? I was the mama, a black mama.

  So I did the only thing that gave me the upper hand. I put that bass in my voice and then I folded my arms, I pouted, and I squinted. “Bella!” Then, I extended my arm, pointed toward the door, and even though her tears flowed right away, she scooted off the bed and rushed past me—in fear.

  That part didn’t make me feel good. I wanted to raise my daughter to think her own thoughts and speak her own mind and always feel free to do both. But when it was seven forty-three and I had to leave by seven fifty if I wanted to drop Bella by eight fifteen and then get over to my office by nine—I just didn’t have time for a free-thinking, self-speaking, pink-tutu-wearing child.

  As I hobbled back to the bed to slip on my other shoe, my husband peeked into the room.

  “Imagine this is a white handkerchief,” he said, waving his hand before he stepped inside.

  I rolled my eyes, but he’d come prepared to fight. He reached into his arsenal and gave me one of those dimpled grins that disarmed me, and I melted. The way I always did.

  He said, “The only reason I told her she looked so good was because it’s important to build our little girl’s self-esteem.”

  “How in the world will letting her go out dressed like a clown help?”

  “I’m sure there was a time when you dressed just like that.” Before I could call him all kinds of things that had nothing to do with his name, Mauricio pressed his lips against mine—another one of his weapons. But not even a full second passed when my cell phone vibrated on the nightstand. Mauricio reached for it, glanced at the screen, then answered the call, “What’s up, Pops?”

  I frowned. My father never called this early in the morning. Not that he wasn’t awake. By six, he was at his desk at the trucking company I’d encouraged him to buy nine years ago when I was getting my MBA. His mornings were always chaotic, getting the schedules set and truckers on the road, which was why him wanting to chat at this time was so unusual.

  “Yeah, she’s right here,” Mauricio said. “You good?”

  My husband nodded as he listened to my father’s words, though I saw a bit of concern in his eyes.

  “Okay, here she is.”

  I grabbed the phone. “Hey, Daddy.”

  “Morning, sweetness. Listen . . . I know you’re busy.”

  “No, I’m not,” I said as I eyed Bella sulking back into our bedroom. She’d done what I’d asked. But then she’d put her tutu on top of the khaki pants. I sighed as I returned my attention to my father. “I’m good,” I told him. “What’s up?”

  “Can you stop by and see me this morning? Just for a few minutes. I have something I have to . . .” The way he paused made the frown in my mind deepen. “I have something I need to talk to you about.”

  “Okay. I’ll drop Bella off and then swing by your office . . .”

  “I’m at home. Come here.”

  At home? After six in the morning? “Daddy, is everything all right?”

  “I’ll talk to you when you get here.” Then he hung up without I love you, have a great day, without any kind of his normal good-bye. I stared at the phone as if my cell could give me more insight.

  “What’s up with Pops?” Mauricio’s voice cut through my thoughts.

  “I’m wondering the same thing.” I shook my head. “Daddy wants me to stop by his house.” Looking up at my husband, I added, “Something’s wrong.”

  Mauricio gave me a slow nod. “Well . . . it doesn’t make sense to speculate when all you have to do is get over there and find out what’s going on. So this is what we’ll do. You finish getting dressed and get over to your dad’s, and I’ll”—he turned to Bella, who had once again scooted onto our bed—“take Bella to school.”

  “Yay.” Bella clapped, then jumped up and into her father’s arms.

  Mauricio planted her onto the floor, then, holding her hand, he twirled her around, and her giggles were a song that filled our bedroom. He said, “I’ll take you to school, and you can even wear your tutu.”

  “Yay!” Bella sang again.

  Thoughts of my father shot right out of my head. But before I could call my husband all kinds of crazy, he added, “Yup, you can wear it all the way to school and then you’ll leave it in the car and put it right back on when I pick you up and take you to get some ice cream.”

  There were more cheers from our daughter as she looked at me, her brown eyes filled with triumph as if she’d won the war between us. I shook my head at both of them.

  “Go get your backpack and meet me downstairs.”

  “Okay, Daddy.”

  Bella ran to the door, but then, made a quick U-turn and charged back into the room. She wrapped her arms around my neck. “Bye, Mommy. Have a good day.” And then she smacked a kiss onto my cheek.

  “Thank you, sweetheart. You have a great day, too.”

  She dashed out of our bedroom and I turned my attention back to my husband. “Really? She can wear the tutu and get ice cream?”

  “Look, you just witnessed a high-powered negotiation,” he said, nothing but seriousness in his voice. “Everybody won. Bella’s going to school dressed exactly the way you want, but before and after, she gets to be the prima ballerina she’s determined to be.”

  “And who’s the winner with all of that sugar she’ll have before dinner this evening?”

  He shrugged. “In any good negotiation, you have to give a little to get what you want. And what I wanted most was for you to focus on your father.”

  Inside my mind, thoughts of Bella and her tutu and ice cream screeched to a halt. “Thank you,” I said. “I do need to get over there.”

  “So call me after you talk to him, okay?”

  I nodded and he kissed my cheek.

  “And do what Bella said. Have a good day. And don’t worry.”

  “I won’t.”

  He glanced back over his shoulder. “Liar. But you’re such a beautiful one.”

  I watched Mauricio strut from the room, and like always, he left me with a smile. But then when I thought about my dad, the cheer that I’d felt dimmed.

  Mauricio was right, though. There was no need to worry when I didn’t even know what was going on. So I slipped on my other shoe, then rushed into my closet for the matching jacket to my skirt.

  I needed to get to Venice as fast as I could and find out what the heck was going on.

  3

  Keisha

  I didn’t want to open my eyes. Because if I did, then I’d have to face the first morning, the first day, the beginning of the first week, month, and year without my mama. But if I kept my eyes closed, maybe I could stop time from ticking. And if I could stop time from ticking, maybe I’d be able to figure out a way to rewind it and take back all that God had taken away.

  So I kept my eyes closed and snuggled under the most valuable of Mama’s possessions—this afghan that one of her johns had given to her. She loved it so much she had
n’t even taken it with her to the hospice.

  “I don’t want all that sickness getting up in this,” she told me when I’d brought it to her. “Take it home so it’ll be waiting for me when I get out of here.”

  I’d only done what she said because I wanted her to have the hope in her last days that I didn’t have. And if taking this home made her smile (and it did), then I was going to do it.

  The fragrance of her perfume lingered in the yarn, and it made me remember the day when she told me that John—that’s what she called all of the men, her regulars and her one-nighters—had given her this as a gift.

  “John brought it back for me from Morocco,” she told me with pride swelling her chest.

  That day, all I did was smile, and I kept it to myself that I’d seen a whole bunch of these in the Walmart when I went up there one day to get money from my boyfriend, Buck. I just let her have her fantasy and now, I wanted to have mine. And if I didn’t open my eyes . . .

  But then, the rattling of the front door made my eyes spring open. When the banging started, I stiffened at the force of the knock that made the door vibrate.

  “Keisha! If you’re in there . . .” Mrs. Johnson’s shouts echoed through the neighborhood, I was sure. “Keisha!”

  Even though I was in the back room (there were only two rooms in this shack), I did my best not to blink or breathe. Not even when I heard the doorknob jiggle. Then the sound of the key in the lock almost made my heart stop, even though I knew Mrs. Johnson couldn’t get in. Buck had changed the locks last week while Mrs. Johnson was at work because I’d been prepared for this moment.

  “Keisha! If you’re in there, this is your notice. I’m calling the sheriff.”

  After another moment or so, I heard her footsteps stomping along the driveway. It was only when I heard her back door slam shut that I exhaled. Still, I stayed in my mama’s bed for a few seconds before I swung my legs over the side and, wearing nothing but my bra and panties, tiptoed across the chilly wooden floor to the window. I held my breath as I slipped open a single blind and peeked through just to make sure Mrs. Johnson didn’t have a new trick to get her rent money. I saw nothing and so I bounced back onto the bed. I was glad I’d been in the back room instead of on the sofa in the front, which was my normal resting place. If I’d been up there, Mrs. Johnson may have seen my shadow, and if she’d thought that I was in here, she would have tried to break the door down.

  This game of me hiding and Mrs. Johnson seeking was not going to play out much longer. Mama and I hadn’t paid the rent in three months, not since she went into that hospice and Medicaid took everything from her—the few dollars she had in the bank and even her Social Security check. They didn’t care nothin’ ’bout me, saying that I was old enough to take care of myself. But I’d been taking care of my mama. And when I did have a chance to work, my tips at Beryl’s House of Beauty weren’t enough to pay attention, let alone this five-hundred-dollar rent.

  Lying back, it was unbelievable that at twenty-two I wasn’t any better off than when I’d been two. At least it felt that way. I mean, Mama did all she could to take care of me. But we’d always struggled, moving from shack to shack when we didn’t have enough money to pay the rent.

  But one thing we’d never had to do—we’d never had to live out of our car, which was the move it seemed I was going to have to make. I was going to have to add “a house to sleep in” as another thing that I didn’t have because of what God had done to me.

  It wasn’t that big a deal, I guessed. I’d been used to “not having” my whole life. I never had any friends, never had any new clothes, never had a real Christmas. I was raised with “not having.”

  I got used to most of it. But no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I could never get used to not having a daddy.

  That thought made me open my eyes, sit up, scoot to the top of the bed, and rest against the wall where a headboard was supposed to be. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I wrapped my arms around my legs and remembered . . .

  I stomped up the stairs, then threw the hard plastic backpack that Mama had gotten from the Goodwill onto the porch. My school books were so heavy the bag hit the wooden planks with a thud, making the porch rattle. But I didn’t even care that Mama didn’t like me doing that; I just swung the screen door back, then pushed the front door open. “Mama!” I called out.

  “Keisha! Hush with all that noise.”

  I paused. Her voice was coming from the bathroom, so I marched back there, making my steps hard so before I even got there, Mama would know I was mad. I stopped at the open door, only because there wasn’t enough space for the two of us to fit inside that bathroom and Mama took up most of the room just by standing in front of the sink. She was brushing that red stuff on her cheeks, and that meant she was going out to work tonight. And if she was going to work, then I was going to be stuck having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner again. Which wouldn’t be bad if I hadn’t had it for lunch this whole week.

  She said, “And what did I tell you about calling me Mama? My name is Daisy. Just like I call you Keisha, and I don’t call you child or daughter, I call you by your name and I want you to call me by mine.”

  That was something that I hated. All the other kids had to call their mothers Mama. I didn’t want to call her Daisy. But right now, that was not what I wanted to talk to my mama about.

  Looking at her through the mirror, I said, “Mama . . . I mean, Daisy, Mrs. Burgess said in school today that everybody has a daddy.”

  “You don’t,” she said, and for a moment, I was stuck, kinda fascinated at how my mama could put mascara on without blinking.

  But then I got right back on the subject. I crossed my arms. Now she was adjusting her blond wig, the one that had hair flowing all the way down her back, stopping at her butt. She only wore that wig for special johns—that was what she told me. But I couldn’t let her go out and have a good time when today was the most miserable day of my whole life.

  “All the kids in class laughed at me. Because when we were talking about reproduction, I told them that I didn’t have a daddy.”

  “You don’t,” she repeated.

  I stomped my foot. “I do! Mrs. Burgess said that I do. She told me everybody has a mama and everybody has a daddy. That’s how we all got here. It’s called biology.”

  “Well”—Mama smacked her lips and then patted her lipstick with a piece of toilet paper—“your teacher doesn’t know anything. She certainly doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

  “She knows a lot because she went to college,” I said.

  My mama’s hands stopped moving and she glared at me through the mirror. My heart started beating fast—that look that she gave me sometimes came with a backhand right in my mouth. But even though I was scared that she might pop me, I didn’t care if I got in trouble. I glared right back at her because I always asked my mama about my daddy and she always told me I didn’t have one. But today, for the first time, I knew that wasn’t true. I knew now that she had been lying to me my whole nine years on earth, and I wanted to know who was my daddy?

  “Young lady, I don’t care if she went to college.” Mama turned around and faced me. With her face so smooth and her lips so red, she almost looked like a movie star. She said, “If your teacher said everybody has a daddy, then everybody does . . .”

  I smiled. Finally, she was going to tell me the truth.

  Then, Mama said, “Everybody but you.”

  EVEN NOW, THAT memory made me sigh. That was the way the story always went—at least the story that came from my mama. She never did tell me, but years later, when I was in the ninth grade, I found out the whole truth—though it didn’t come from her. And finding out came at a really high price for a fourteen-year-old girl.

  That was something I didn’t want to remember, at least not right now. So I rolled over and thought about my mama. But right away, I was sorry because I began to wonder what did those people at the hospice do with
her? Where did they put her? Was she in one of those graveyards behind one of the churches? Had they buried her yet? Would they tell me where she was, and if they did, would I ever go to see her?

  “No!” I said aloud. I didn’t go to cemeteries.

  I rolled over, and grabbed my cell phone. Looking at Instagram was way better than filling my mind with thoughts of my mama. I clicked on that app, then went straight to the page I always checked out first. Scrolling through, I was disappointed there weren’t any new posts since I’d checked yesterday; actually, there had been nothing new since Friday, and I always hated when that happened. I lived a different life through all of those glamorous Instagram pictures, and with the way I was feeling today, I needed to imagine myself in the photos standing next to celebrities, wearing all of those designer clothes, having my hair and makeup done by people who knew what they were doing. But without anything new posted on her page, there wasn’t anything new I could imagine.

  Still, I checked out the hundreds of photos that I’d seen thousands of times. That kept me busy and my mind away from my troubles for about an hour. But now it was almost nine, and I had to get over to Beryl’s to at least make enough money to eat.

  It was going to be a bit of a challenge to get out of here. I wouldn’t be able to take a shower because I didn’t want Mrs. Johnson to hear the water running. So I’d just wash up, then climb the back fence because I couldn’t walk past the front house. I had parked my truck about six streets over so that Mrs. Johnson would never know when I was home. Just thinking about all of that sneaking around made me tired already, but I was my mama’s child—I was going to do what I had to do.

  Looking at the last photo one more time, I took a minute to imagine myself at that party. Then, I clicked off Instagram. But I didn’t move for a moment. I pressed the cell phone to my chest and closed my eyes. One day. Although I didn’t yet have a plan, I had a purpose. One day soon.

  4

  Gabrielle

  My assistant Pamela’s voice floated through my car’s Bluetooth connection. “Nope, you’re free this morning. I cannot remember another Monday like this.”