Absolution

by Amanda Dick

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “She has nightmares about it – the accident,” Callum said, feeling as if he was breaking a confidence. “But they’re not about what actually happened. Apparently her brain has seen fit to fill in all these bizarre details of what might’ve happened, but didn’t. Seems like each nightmare has about five percent truth and ninety five percent weird shit.”

  Jack winced. “Jesus. She told me she dreams about running and walking, but she never said anything about that.”

  “Well, keep it to yourself, okay? She doesn’t really like talking about it, and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want you to know.”

  “Probably because she still thinks I’m gonna take off the first chance I get,” Jack murmured. “Guess I can’t blame her there.”

  Callum took another sip of his beer, wondering if he had said too much. “Just give her time. You’ve been gone four years, remember. You’ve only been back a couple of weeks – it’s gonna take a while.”

  “You believe me, though, don’t you?” Jack asked, glancing over at him.

  Callum regarded him silently across the coffee table. Surprising even himself, he nodded. “Yeah. I believe you.”

  Jack took another swig of his beer, then set the bottle down to rest on his stomach. “Well that’s something, I guess.”

  Two days had stretched into four and Jack was climbing the walls. He paced the house again, peering out of the windows more from habit than anything else. The street was quiet, as usual.

  His packed bag waited by the door. Callum had been checking on his Dad’s place a couple of times a day and had even had Tom’s neighbour, Mrs Watson, on the lookout. He had told her that there had been a couple of break-ins in the area and described the car he had seen, advising her that she should keep an eye out. Knowing how nosey she was, he figured she would be the ideal neighborhood watch.

  Callum had called her just that morning, and she admitted – after twenty minutes of chit-chat – that she hadn’t seen or heard anything suspicious. As far as Jack was concerned, that meant the coast was clear. Without any leads, he doubted Ben’s men would still be hanging around.

  After being able to pick up and take off whenever he felt like it over the past four years, the feeling of being trapped only increased with every passing hour. To make things worse, he could feel Ally’s confusion every time they spoke on the phone. He hated lying to her, but he could tell she was starting to wonder why he was keeping her at arm’s length. He could feel her starting to drift again. He had to do something – soon.

  He heard Callum’s car pull up and made his way back to the living room. The one good thing about this whole situation was that it had given him time with Callum. They had talked quite a bit over the past few days, tentatively getting to know each other again. It was a luxury he was never sure he deserved, but was grateful for just the same.

  The front door closed and Callum appeared, tossing his keys onto the coffee table. He noticed Jack’s bag immediately. “What’s all this? You shipping out?”

  “I just want to thank you again,” he said honestly. “For everything – you didn’t have to do any of this but I appreciate it.”

  Callum eyeballed him from across the room, his expression neutral. “You’re welcome.”

  Jack shoved his hands into his pockets and shrugged. “The coast looks to be clear, so there’s no reason I need to impose on you any longer.”

  “It’s completely up to you. If you think it’s all blown over, go for it.”

  “I do,” Jack said. “But I need to do some damage control. Am I right in thinking that tonight is your night at the pool, with Ally? Can I tag along? When I talked to her earlier, she was kinda weird – distant. I need for her to know that everything’s okay.”

  “If it were any other night but tonight, I’d say it’s a great idea,” Callum frowned. “But the pool is really not the place for a conversation like that. She goes to swim, it’s not a social thing.”

  “I appreciate what you’re saying, but I think it’s the perfect place. You said I should fight for her, right? Well, that’s what I’m doing.”

  “Right. I said that,” Callum mumbled, scratching his chin. “If it’s what you really want, fine, but just remember that this was your idea, not mine. Don’t come crying to me because she didn’t react the way you thought she would. And be patient with her. She’s way outside her comfort zone there.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  “You’re on dinner duty, then we’ll call it even.”

  “Sounds fair,” Jack smiled, clearly relieved.

  “I’m going to go wash up. Kitchen’s through there, in case you’ve forgotten,” he said, pointing to it helpfully as he headed for the bathroom. “You need to borrow some trunks?”

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  CHAPTER 20

  “How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them.”

  - Benjamin Franklin

  Ally concentrated on stacking her clothes neatly in her bag and piling it into the locker at the pool. She didn’t usually mind the smell of chlorine, but tonight it kept getting stuck in her throat. She felt sick.

  Confusion raged within her, adding to the nausea. What was up with Jack lately? Just when they had begun to make progress, he had backed off. Maybe Callum knew what was going on? If she could pluck up the courage, she would ask him tonight. The problem was, part of her was afraid to hear what he might have to say.

  Irritated, she slammed the locker shut and made her way out of the changing room and out into the pool area.

  There was no sign of Callum and she wasn’t in the mood to wait. She had spent almost all week waiting, and look where that had gotten her.

  Tied up in knots, that’s where. You’ve let him do it to you all over again. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

  She sat poolside, glancing around. There were a few people in the pool, and a couple making their way back to the changing rooms, but other than that, no audience. She quickly moved the towel off her lap and laid it down on the concrete at the edge of the pool, near the steps. Transferring down onto the towel, she sat with her legs dangling in the water, reaching down to check the temperature. Glancing around again, no one seemed to be paying her any attention, so she leant forward and allowed gravity to pull her into the water. As soon as the water swallowed her up, she felt more at peace. The rushing in her ears drowned out the voices in her head and she headed towards the swimming lane at a slow crawl.

  Getting lost in the rhythm of stroke after stroke, she came up for air at the end of her second lap, breathing heavily. She held on to the edge of the pool and looked around for Callum. There were four swimmers in the lanes next to her, but it was impossible to tell if Callum was one of them. Wiping the water out of her eyes, she turned to do another lap, consciously slowing her pace. Her arms pulled her through the water smoothly and she concentrated on each stroke, counting them to try and clear her head.

  By the time she had reached the end of the pool, Callum was not even a consideration and she turned to complete another lap without pausing for breath. She swam like this for several more laps, slow and steady, until she could feel the muscles in her shoulders and upper back burning. Her breath became harder and harder to regulate. The self-preservation valve in her head warned her that she was close to the danger point and she reluctantly conceded, turning to head slowly towards the submerged concrete steps in the corner of the pool.

  When she reached the steps, she sat down and waited, the heated water keeping her warm. She watched the other swimmers as she caught her breath. Their smooth, powerful strokes cut through the water’s surface, their feet kicking up trailing tufts of water. They made it look so easy, so graceful. For a moment, she was overcome with suffocating jealousy.

  It’s not fair.

  Averting her gaze, she moved down onto the next step, watching her hands flutter in the water in front of her as she tried to distract herself. No, it wa
sn’t fair. But it was life, and she had made the decision to live it, no matter what.

  Stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself. No one likes hearing that.

  When she looked up, she recognised Callum swimming towards her. Finally, a chance to get rid of some of the stuff cluttering up her head. He surfaced in front of her, treading water.

  “Hey. Were you early? You were tearing up the water when I got here,” he panted.

  “I didn’t see you so I started without you.”

  “What’s up?” he asked, wiping droplets of water away by running his hand down his face.

  Damn him and his Jedi mind-reading crap. She mentally swiped the self-pity out of her brain, sighing. “It’s Jack.”

  He looked over his shoulder at the other end of the pool. One of the few remaining swimmers was heading towards them slowly.

  “Speak of the devil,” he said. “And before you freak out, it wasn’t my idea, it was his. He wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

  Panic rocketed through every cell in her body. Suddenly, she couldn’t breathe.

  No. Not here. Not now. Not yet!

  Callum climbed up the steps and sat down next to her. He grabbed her hand beneath the water and squeezed.

  “Don’t make this into a big thing and it won’t be,” he warned gently, although she could barely hear him for the blood rushing in her head.

  Jack was almost upon them now.

  “Just relax,” Callum urged. “He just wants to talk.”

  Before she had a chance to speak, Jack surfaced in front of them.

  “Hey,” he smiled, although you could have cut the tension in the air with a knife.

  She tried to sink lower, hyper-aware of the fact she wore a swimsuit that showed off too much of the body she was so self-conscious of, with only the water to shield her.

  “I think I’ll head off – you guys have stuff to talk about,” Callum said, giving Ally’s hand a final squeeze before letting go. “You can give Jack a lift home, right?”

  Suddenly, fear evaporated and anger rapidly filled the vacuum. How dare he put her in this situation!

  “Sure.”

  Jack still treaded water several feet away, and she waited for Callum to leave before taking out her frustration on him, too. “So stranger, what brings you here?”

  “Ouch,” he cringed. “I know I deserved that, but that’s why I’m here. I didn’t want you to think that I’m avoiding you.”

  “Kinda feels that way.”

  “I’m sorry, I just had some other stuff going on over the past few days that I needed to deal with.”

  He swam up to the wide concrete steps and climbed them to sit down beside her. He was so close to her. Could he see? She stared at her hands, resting on her thighs, surreptitiously weighing them down as the buoyancy in the water fought against her.

  “Would I be here if I was avoiding you?”

  She fought to hang on to anger as fear began to take over again. Glancing over at him, she mumbled “I guess not.”

  He smiled and she forced herself to look away. As she did so, her gaze fell to his bare chest instead. He was in much better shape than she remembered. Rivulets of water slid down his chest and into the water, accentuating the muscle definition. Her insides felt as if they were liquefying. She longed to reach out and touch him. Her heart raced at the thought, and the thumping in her chest brought her back to reality. She was staring.

  This is crazy – control yourself!

  Afraid that her thoughts might be written all over her face, she tore herself away, but not before something caught her eye.

  As if it had a mind of its own, her hand drifted up to the tattoo on his shoulder. Small, black Roman numerals were embedded in his skin. Her brain deciphered the figures and her heart, racing only moments ago, shuddered to a halt.

  “That’s the date of the accident,” she whispered.

  As she ran her fingers gently over the ink, a black void engulfed her.

  One moment in time, a lifetime ago.

  Callum’s explanation of what happened that night rushed in on her, mingling with the images invoked by twisted nightmares and vague memories of waking up in hospital days later.

  “I got it on the first anniversary.”

  She felt his body sigh beneath her fingertips and her hand fell away, breaking the spell. He seemed torn – broken, even. For a moment, she felt guilty, although she had no idea why. The pool disappeared, and the world with it. Suddenly, it was just the two of them, sitting on the step in the warm water, staring at each other.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe because I wanted there to be some physical evidence of what happened that night, like proof or something.”

  “Proof? Of what?”

  “That I wasn’t going insane, that it wasn’t all in my head – proof that it really happened. I guess I wanted something physical to show for it.”

  Her body began to tremble. The more she tried to control it, the more out of control she felt.

  “Isn’t that crazy?” she croaked, as he blurred in front of her. “Because all this time, I just wanted to hide the physical proof of what happened that night.”

  She could barely see him for the tears as he leaned over to cup her face in his hand. If he said anything after that, she didn’t hear it. She couldn’t hear anything except for the rush of air in her head. All she saw was a blur in front of her with Jack’s green eyes staring out at her. As he drew her closer, she held her breath. She had never wanted something so desperately and yet been so frightened and confused at the same time.

  Then his lips touched hers, softly at first, then more firmly. The confusion seemed to lift, floating away on a gentle breeze that smelled vaguely of chlorine.

  He pulled away, gently running his thumb down her cheek. “You don’t need to hide anything,” he whispered. Words disappeared. Thoughts, too. “Do you understand me?”

  She found herself nodding, wishing he would kiss her again. Somehow, when they kissed, it was as if she were a different person – stronger, but more vulnerable at the same time.

  “Come on,” he said huskily. “Let’s get out of here and go somewhere to talk.”

  Immediately, the surge of strength deserted her and her eyes fell. Seeing his hand resting on her leg slammed the realisation home.

  “Okay,” she mumbled, forcing herself to look him in the eye as he withdrew his hand from her cheek. “Maybe you should wait out front for me, though. It takes me a while to get changed.”

  “It’s okay, I’m not in any hurry. Take your time.” He indicated her wheelchair with a quick glance. “Do you need a hand?”

  “No, I’m fine,” she insisted, her cheeks suddenly hot.

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure.”

  He didn’t make any effort to move even though she wished he would, just so she wouldn’t have to do this in front of him. How long could she sit there before it was obvious? “Honestly, you should probably wait in the foyer. I could be a while.”

  The words tripped over themselves. She knew from the look on his face, he wasn’t buying it.

  “What are you scared of?” he asked finally.

  “Nothing. I’m not scared.”

  “Come on, Ally. Just tell me.”

  She took a shaky breath, unable to shut him out any longer. “Why can’t I just meet you outside?”

  “Because I feel like whatever you’re scared of is what we should do here.”

  The sincerity in his voice chipped away at the protective wall around her heart. She shook her head slowly, fighting against the feeling of being discovered for the fraud she felt she was. “It’s not that easy.”

  “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t – but we’ll never know until we give it a shot. How about we do this slowly, take it one day at a time?”

  She tore her gaze away from those eyes and concentrated on her hands, resting in the warm water on top of her thighs.

  “And maybe today,” he
continued, “All it means is that we leave the pool together.”

  She nodded, not really listening. All she saw was Jack’s face when he had seen her practically naked on her bedroom floor.

  “Come on,” he said again, reaching for her hand beneath the water. “Let’s get out of here. You with me?”

  She looked up, nodding, and he squeezed her hand. He stood up and climbed the steps out of the pool. Heart pounding, she leaned forward and paddled away from the concrete steps and over to the edge. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw him walking towards the bench along the back wall, grabbing his towel. Seizing her chance while his back was turned, she pulled herself up and out of the pool, flipping over onto her back until she was sitting on the edge. Jack still had his back to her and was toweling off, so she reached back for her chair. She pulled her legs up into position and grabbed the chair frame, pushing herself up and into it. Not daring to waste any time checking on him, she made sure her feet were positioned on the footrest and hurriedly folded the second towel she had laid on the seat earlier, over her legs.

  “See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

  He walked over to her, his towel draped around his neck, smiling encouragingly.

  Sure. Fine. Whatever.

  She ignored him, leaning down to pick up her other towel off the concrete.

  “I’ll meet you out front, okay?” she said over her shoulder as she headed towards the changing rooms.

  “No hurry, take your time.”

  She could feel his gaze on her as she made her way through the double doors and into the corridor.

  How the hell am I going to get changed with my hands shaking like this?

  “She’ll be fine – Jack was with her,” Callum said, throwing Maggie a sidelong glance.

  Barney’s was unusually busy for a Sunday night, so the three of them were perched at the bar rather than at their usual table.

  “Which is precisely where the problem lies,” Jane interjected, taking a quick sip of her drink.

  “What on earth possessed you to let him go with you tonight?” Maggie asked.