by Amber Garza
“You know who. Your dad.”
“No, Mom.” Hurt wove around my heart and squeezed hard. “Apparently he’s a flake. Just like you said.”
She narrowed her eyes, searching my face. Then she let go of my arm. I put the soda down on the counter and rubbed my hand on my pants so it could thaw out.
Mom exhaled loudly. “Sorry, Kenzie. David’s just got me all crazy.”
“Clearly,” I muttered under my breath. The light with the faulty wiring flickered above me, casting an eerie glow on the white walls.
“It’s just that you don’t know him the way I do. He’s bad news, Kenzie. If he’s back there’s got to be a reason. And knowing him, it’s not a good one.”
“So there’s not even the slightest possibility that he came back just for me?” I leaned my back against the counter. It was sticky and melded to my shirt.
Mom’s heavily made-up face softened. She blinked her lashes at me. They reminded me of spiders because of all the black mascara stuck to them. Pursing her ruby red lips, she ran a finger through my hair. “Oh, Kenzie. I’m sorry. I know how much you want your dad in your life. But believe me, he’s the one missing out. Not you.”
I nodded. It wasn’t the answer I wanted from her. However, I knew she meant well. Under the circumstances it was the best she could do.
“What do you say we go get a Christmas tree.”
I felt like I’d just endured whiplash with the major shift in conversation. Besides, we never got a tree this early in the season. Usually Mom brought home a scrawny tree on Christmas Eve from the lot across the street from her salon, because they gave them away for free. We would string a strand of lights on it and a couple of those ball ornaments. Christmas was never a big deal at our house. Mom didn’t believe in Jesus, so it wasn’t like we celebrated that. And we never had enough money to get very many presents.
“Why the sudden interest in a tree?” I asked.
Mom groaned. “I’m trying here, okay, Kenzie. Just once can’t you let me do something nice for you without getting all crabby about it?”
“Sorry. I was just asking.”
“I know Christmas is a big deal to people like you.”
I furrowed my brows. “Christians, you mean?”
“Uh-huh. So I thought we should have a real celebration this year.”
As weird as the whole thing was, I actually got excited. A real Christmas with a tree and presents sounded fun. My spirits lifted a little. I smiled. “Okay. Thanks Mom.”
“Not bad, huh?” Mom crossed her arms over her chest and appraised the tree. After going to the lot, we stopped at the store and picked up some ornaments and new lights. The white lights twinkled amongst the forest green needles, and the shiny ornaments sparkled.
“Not bad at all.” I sighed with contentment when I looked at the top of the six-foot tree at the star that I picked out. It was perfect.
Mom’s arm draped over my shoulders. She gave me a light squeeze. “I’m glad you like it, honey.”
I rested my head against her. “I love it, Mom.”
“I’m sorry that I cancelled our trip to California.”
I stood up straight, eyeing her. Mom rarely said sorry for anything. “You are?”
“Yeah. I never should have done that. I tried to re-schedule the trip, but now Mom is flying to her sister’s for the holiday.”
“Yeah, Grandma mentioned how excited she is to see her. I guess it’s been awhile.” It struck me that I had never even met my great-aunt. I wondered if she was anything like Grandma. “It’s okay. I don’t think I could handle being around Isaac right now, anyway.”
Mom nodded. “Still, the things I said and did, I feel bad about them.”
I wondered how much she was apologizing for. Did she remember the things she had said when Wesley had taken possession of her?
“Religion isn’t that bad. In fact, you’ve been a much different person since the summer. You’ve settled down and made better choices. I shouldn’t have tried to discourage that.”
My mouth dropped. I never thought I’d hear that from Mom. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. But it will be.”
Before I could process what she meant by that, Mom said, “We better clean up this mess.”
Pine needles riddled the floor. Boxes and cellophane wrappers were strewn about. I bent over and began collecting things. Mom went into the hall closet to get out the vacuum. The minute she left the room, a song rang out.
“Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posy.”
Hot flashes ripped up and down my spine. I froze. The voice was barely above a whisper but it blew over me, swelled around me. Mom entered the room, dragging the vacuum cleaner by the handle. She grunted from the effort.
“Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.”
“Do you hear that?” I asked her while she uncoiled the cord.
“What?” Her face bore a blank expression.
“A little boy singing.”
“In here?” Mom chuckled. “Maybe all that sap is getting to you.”
I looked down at my sticky hands. Sap had branded me when we set up the tree.
“It wouldn’t have been so bad if I would have had a more competent helper,” I teased.
Mom rolled her eyes and pressed down on the pedal. The vacuum roared to life. Even with the white noise I could still faintly hear the haunting song.
“Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.”
While Mom painted vacuum streaks in the carpet, I peeked out the window. Scouring the front yard, I didn’t see the little boy. The song faded. My heart-rate slowed. Maybe I was only hearing things. Just as I was about to step away from the window, I saw a small figure scurrying to the house next door.
Chapter Ten
I never imagined Mom would attend church on Christmas Eve. Yet, when I asked her to accompany me she said yes. We scooted into the back row and sat on the hard pew a few minutes before the service started. It was evening and the room was dimly lit with candles glowing on the stage. It looked beautiful and serene. The sanctuary was almost full. Everyone was dressed up in frilly dresses and suits with ties.
Mom wore her signature tight red dress and leopard print heels, but even that didn’t deter my good mood. Most Christmas Eves Mom went out with Carol while I stayed home alone. I crossed one of my legs encased in black tights and settled in, contentment filling me.
“At least the church didn’t burn down when I stepped into it,” Mom whispered, a smile playing on her lips.
“Oh, stop.” I grinned back.
When I looked up, I saw Tanner walking past wearing black pants and a white collared shirt. His musky cologne followed in his wake, stirring up feelings I’d just as soon forget. His head turned slightly and he caught me staring. I averted my gaze and looked at the bulletin in my hands.
“You okay?” Mom nudged my elbow after he’d sat in a pew a couple of rows in front of us.
I nodded, biting my lip. Music started and we stood. Through worship I mouthed the words to the Christmas carols but my eyes stayed glued to the back of Tanner’s head. Every familiar gesture cut to my heart, reminding me of how much I missed him.
“That wasn’t so bad,” Mom said when the service concluded.
Yes it was. I looked miserably over at Tanner as he hurried out of the sanctuary, and wished things were like they used to be. It was Christmas Eve, after all. So badly I wanted to talk with him, laugh with him, hug him. Anything. The cold shoulder and deafening silence were killing me.
By the time Mom and I made our way outside, Tanner’s car was speeding out of the parking lot.
When I awoke on Christmas morning the scent of bacon tickled my nose. I raced out into the kitchen and found Mom laboring over a hot stove. The surprising part was that nothing smelled or looked burnt. When she saw me, a huge smile spread across her face.
“Merry Christmas!” She said.
Joyful tears pricked my eyes. This was such a change from lonely Christmas mo
rnings of my past.
“Sit down. I’ll get you some food.” Mom ran a greasy hand over her apron and grabbed a plate out of the cupboard. “After breakfast we’ll open presents.”
Shame fell on me. “Oh, Mom. I didn’t know for sure if we were doing gifts. I don’t have anything for you.”
She dropped a plate filled with eggs, bacon and potatoes in front of me. “Don’t be silly. You didn’t need to get me anything.”
“It’s just that we don’t always do presents.” In the past the most I could hope for was a few stocking stuffers and a twenty dollar bill.
She clamped a hand down on my shoulder. “I said it was fine, Kenzie. Eat up.”
Who was this woman and what had she done with my mom?
“I told you I would make things up to you, Kenzie. So let me do that.” She sat in the chair across from me with her own plate of food.
My heart stirred. I lifted my fork and took a bite. It was actually edible. For some reason that alone gave me hope.
After breakfast I opened the gifts from Mom which consisted of some earrings, a lip gloss and a gift card to Target so I could pick out my own clothes. The last gift was a new Bible with my name engraved on it. I knew I would cherish that one the most. Not just because it was something of value but because I knew it was a symbol. A token from Mom to tell me things would be different from now on.
In the afternoon, as I sprawled on the couch and watched Elf, my cell trilled. I stumbled from the couch and retrieved it out of my purse. When I read the caller ID, my pulse quickened.
With sweaty, shaking fingers, I pressed the talk button.
“Merry Christmas.” His voice was crisp and smooth and melted my heart.
“Merry Christmas to you too, Isaac.” I rolled his name around in my mouth. It tasted sweet and good.
“I was…um…just thinking about you. So, I decided to call.”
Happiness shot through me. He was thinking about me! I forced my voice to sound calm. “I’m glad you did.”
“How is your day going? I know holidays aren’t always that festive at your house.”
I knew then that he called out of concern and pity. But still, it was something. “Actually, it’s been surprisingly good. Mom went to church with me last night.”
“Really? Kenz, that’s awesome.”
I loved the way he called me Kenz. No one else did that.
“I know. I could hardly believe it myself. What about you? I bet Christmases are amazing with your family.” Once upon a time I thought that I would be a part of the Giovanni clan one day, but now that seemed out of reach.
“Yeah, it’s pretty cool.” There was something underneath his words. Something he wasn’t saying. “Well, I’ll let you get back to your mom. I just wanted to say hi.”
I had to bite down on my tongue to keep myself from begging him to stay on the phone. I would have given anything to keep talking, to plead for him to take me back. But I knew it was too soon. I still hadn’t done what he’d asked. My feelings remained conflicted. So, I said goodbye and hung up.
A couple of hours later Grandma called. She told me all about her day with her sister and we made promises to spend next Christmas together. Haley sent me a text in the evening with a list of all the fabulous presents from her parents. They always went overboard. It was a regular spending spree at her house.
Carol stopped by with scented lotions for Mom and me. She also brought dinner for us. It was Indian take-out since that was all that was open, but I loved Indian food so it was great.
As I slipped into bed late that I night, I realized my day would have been perfect, except for one thing.
Tanner had never called.
I always hated going back to school after Christmas break. Kids were always bragging about the fun time they’d had over vacation and all the presents they got on Christmas Day. As a child I would make things up. Like I would tell them I went to the snow with Mom and we sledded and built snowmen. The reality was that I’d never done that, but I’d watched enough movies to make it sound believable. I would also lie about the presents I received. Even the years that I got nothing, I would make up a list a mile long and always out-do other students’ gifts.
The only person that ever knew I was lying was Haley, but she never told. She knew how badly I wished it were true.
This year I didn’t feel the need to lie. Things had gone exactly as I desired. Or so I thought, until I overheard Scarlet bragging about Tanner bringing her a present on Christmas Day. Then envy burned me up from the inside out. I imagined smoke seeping out of me like a chimney. I imagined that everyone could see it written all over my face.
It made me so angry I wanted to scream. When Tanner sat behind me in class, I could barely stand it. I hunched over my notebook and attempted to focus on the lecture. But despite my best efforts, I felt every movement he made. I heard the scraping of his chair on the ground every time he shifted, heard every scrawl of his pencil as he wrote. I couldn’t shake him and that angered me more.
Why was it so hard to let him go?
I wanted to do what Isaac asked, but it wasn’t that easy. No matter how hard I tried to erase my feelings for Tanner they always reappeared.
I wondered why it was so hard for me, when it had been so simple for Tanner. He had turned from me and never looked back.
Maybe that was what made it so difficult for me – the fact that it was so simple for him.
Chapter Eleven
I had been back in school for a week when he showed up again. As I unlocked my car after school, I felt his eyes on me. Squinting, I glanced across the lot and spotted him. He was across the street, leaning against his pick-up truck and staring in my direction.
A shiver ran through me. I brushed it away. There was nothing to fear. It was my dad and he was making a change in his life. He’d told me so himself.
I lifted my hand in a wave to show him I’d seen him. Then I got in my car and sped in his direction. My heart pounded in my chest. I hoped he didn’t take off before I could reach him.
After parking behind his vehicle, I got out of my car. He looked just like the last time I’d seen him. It made me wonder if he owned any other clothes. When I approached, he flashed me a toothless grin. The scent of smoke and alcohol permeated off of him.
“Dad.” I breathed out the word. It felt so foreign and exciting to use it. Deep down I knew he didn’t look like other dads or behave like other dads, but it didn’t matter. Before he unexpectedly showed up I never had a dad at all. I did glance around to make sure none of the other students had noticed him. To my relief, no one looked in our direction. They were all in a hurry to get home. Not that I was embarrassed by him exactly. It was just that I hadn’t told anyone about his return. Not even Haley. It felt good to have my own secret - something just between him and me.
Of course Mom knew about his return, but I didn’t think she had told anyone either. It was what Mom did – she hid things, hoping to make them disappear. I kept it secret for the opposite reason. My fear was that if I talked about it, it would be like giving it away. Like letting it go.
“Hey, Kenzie.” He grinned as if no time had passed at all since we had last seen each other.
Anger at his neglect rose to the surface. Had he not realized that more than a week had passed? Even Christmas had come and gone.
“Where have you been?”
He shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. “I’m sorry. I wanted to come. I just got detained.”
It was a flimsy, fake excuse, but I just nodded as if I bought it. What other choice did I have? Besides, he was here now. Didn’t that count for something?
“But I thought about you all the time.” He ran a trembling hand over his face. “Just like I’ve thought about you for years.”
My heart skipped a beat. Did I dare believe him?
“Hey, you want to go somewhere?” he asked. “I could buy you a coffee?”
Coffee with my dad was tempting but also scary
. As I contemplated his offer, I heard a car pull up behind us. A door opened and closed. When I whipped around, Tanner was walking toward us.
“What’s going on?” He looked from my dad to me, as if he had every right to know my business.
“Don’t worry about it, Tanner.” I glared at him.
His eyes narrowed as they traveled up and down my dad’s body. I recognized the concerned look. There was a time when I liked it. At that moment, I didn’t.
“It’s okay. You have fun with your friend. I’ll be back.” Dad scurried into his pick-up. I opened my mouth to stop him but it was too late. The engine roared to life and he peeled away. But not before I saw the same man in the passenger’s seat as before. Who was he and how come I hadn’t noticed him earlier?
“Who was that, Kenzie?”
I spun to face Tanner. “It’s none of your business.”
He threw me an exasperated look. “C’mon, just tell me.”
“You don’t talk to me for weeks and now all of the sudden I’m supposed to tell you all of my secrets? I don’t think so.”
Tanner pursed his lips and cocked one of his brows in confusion. “That old man is one of your secrets?”
I felt close to tears. If Tanner hadn’t shown up when he did I might have gotten to go out with my dad. It was something I’d dreamt about since childhood.
Tanner’s eyes widened as if a light bulb went off. “Kenzie, is that man your dad?”
Tanner was always so perceptive. I should have known he’d figure it out. Turning from him, I was determined not to give him the satisfaction of an answer. He’d stolen my secret, and in that moment I hated him for it.
He reached for me, his fingers brushing my arm and causing a chill to break out over my skin.
“Whoever he is, I can tell he’s bad news. You need to stay away from him.”
I remembered Tanner’s horrible words to me when I tried to warn him about Scarlet. For weeks I’d endured his silence and mean looks. In that time I would have given anything for one conversation with him.