Submission is Not Enough Kobo

by Lexi Blake

  The better to lick and taste every inch of her. He wouldn’t miss a single bite.

  “There, that seems to be better.” Kai’s voice broke through.

  Theo opened his eyes. It wasn’t better. It had been better and then he remembered he was in here with Kai. Maybe it was for the best. At some point he would have remembered her name and the vision would have gone dark.

  Everything went dark.

  “How are you getting along with Nikolai?”

  Theo felt himself frown. “He’s a dick. Do you know why he doesn’t like me?”

  Kai crossed one leg over the other and sat back, giving Theo that look that let him know he was considering exactly how much to tell him.

  Theo was sick of that look. He got it from everyone. “If you don’t tell me I’ll ask him myself. I’m sick of being the only one who doesn’t know.”

  “I’m sorry. I assumed you read the reports from your last mission.”

  “The one in the Caymans? Yeah, I read it. I know how I screwed up.”

  “Ah, but I suppose Big Tag didn’t write up the relationships. Desiree Brooks was Nick’s lover.”

  Shit. Heat flashed through him. Embarrassment. Shame. He wasn’t sure which. Maybe both. No wonder the Russian couldn’t stand to look at him. He was the reason Des was dead. “Well, I understand why he hates me.”

  “I wouldn’t call it hate. I would say he’s conflicted,” Kai corrected. “You have to understand he was there that night. He watched you both die. He attended the service we had for you. He didn’t hate you then. I don’t think he does now, but your return has brought out the fact that he won’t get the same ending. We found Des’s body. He took her home to England. I believe there was a nasty fight with her family and he wasn’t allowed to attend her funeral. They didn’t know about what she did, you see. They blamed Nick for getting her involved in something dangerous.”

  “But she was MI6 for years.” Despite the fact that those files contained the horrors of a night he couldn’t remember, he’d read them all numerous times. It was like reading over someone else’s debrief. He could pick out the mistakes.

  If he’d been in charge, he would know where to place the blame. On himself.

  “And those records are classified,” Kai continued. “They thought she was a secretary. When Nick tried to explain, they shut him down and shut him out. I don’t believe he intends you any malice or I would have advised Big Tag to leave him out of this op. I think he needs this. Give him some space. Concentrate on what you need. I take it Ian talked to you about coming to Sanctum tonight.”

  He felt his whole body go rigid. The idea was tantalizing and yet repulsive. Tantalizing because he wanted what D/s could give him. He might not remember his training, but Ian was right. His body remembered how good it felt to dominate a woman, to know that she trusted him with her body and her pleasure. It would be a place he could go and feel like he belonged. Not the Theo he used to be. The Theo he was now.

  He wanted it so badly, but there was a part of him that couldn’t imagine playing with some sub he didn’t know.

  He forced himself to breathe again. The walls were closing in.

  “I’m going. I’ll give it a try.” He wasn’t sure what made him more nauseous—the idea of being alone or the idea of touching someone who wasn’t her.

  He had to try. He had to try something, anything. He was in a rut and Ian was right. He didn’t have to fuck the girl. He merely had to service her D/s needs and see where that went.

  “I’m glad.” Kai leaned forward. “I think it could be good for you.”

  “You don’t think it’s going to hurt her…Erin.” He said the name with a tight jaw. “I don’t mean to hurt her. I know she wants this family thing, but I don’t know that I can give it to her. But I also know I promised her a lot. I can’t remember it. Can’t remember her. I know that sounds lame, but I know I owe her and I don’t want to bring her more pain. She’s had enough.”

  “I think it could help Erin move on, too.”

  “But she doesn’t play anymore.” His whole body went stiff in the chair. “I heard she doesn’t go to Sanctum now. She has a child. Shouldn’t she be at home watching her kid?”

  Kai’s brow rose high over his left eye. “Seriously? You’re going to shame her for having a sex life?”

  He knew he shouldn’t, but he didn’t like the idea of her running around a freaking sex club. It bugged him on a primal level. Who would be watching out for her? Was she trusting some Dom who would use her body and not give a shit about her needs? Would he care that she had a kid and needed more than an incidental orgasm?

  Fuck. He shouldn’t think about those damn questions at all. He shouldn’t think about her. He needed to concentrate on himself and getting better, and he wasn’t sure he could do that when her very name brought him pain.

  His whole soul ached but that part of him was broken. The piece of him that had loved her was severed and broken and couldn’t be made whole again.

  This was why Hutch had run. A part of Hutch was broken and he couldn’t handle the fact that he would always know a piece of his soul was gone.

  Theo had to let it all go. Wasn’t that what everyone kept telling him? He had to let go of that ridiculous primitive possessiveness that tended to take over the minute she walked in a room. He wasn’t going to do anything about it, didn’t deserve her. So he had to get used to the fact that she would eventually be with someone else. Shouldn’t he want her to be happy?

  “Sorry. I get this feeling deep down when it comes to her.” This was the place to be honest, so he gave Kai what he could. “I have no intentions of acting on it. Of course she should have a full life. She should date. That would be good for her.”

  Kai nodded. “Excellent. I was hoping you would feel that way. It’s become obvious to me that you no longer have sexual feelings for Erin. I still believe you should attempt to form some kind of a friendship for the sake of your son.”

  “I didn’t say that.” Not have sexual feelings for her? All he could think about was how she would look naked.

  “Didn’t say what?”

  “I didn’t say I…never mind. You’re right. We should try to be friends.” He needed to stop thinking about her sexually.

  “Theo, if you still have feelings for her, why won’t you try?” Kai asked. “Is it because of the pain? Because I’ve been thinking about that.”

  “It’s not the pain. Well, it is and it isn’t. Can you imagine what it would be like if you woke up one day and couldn’t remember anything of your life? You could remember how to do things. How to type. How to spell. How to speak. But can’t remember your name or what you did for the last twenty plus years of your life. And then someone tells you this is your family, but you can’t remember them, you can’t feel them. I don’t feel anything for my own brothers.”

  “And Erin?”

  The pain flared at the mention of her name. He winced. “I feel pain every time I try to remember how we met or when we first made love. Everyone tells me I was passionately in love with this woman, but she’s a stranger to me. I’m attracted to her. I am. She’s the only woman I seem to be attracted to, but at night when I dream about her…I do terrible things, Kai. Things I can’t imagine the old Theo would have even thought of. I hurt her because Mother programmed me to.”

  “I thought we were going to stop calling her that.”

  “Sorry. Habit. I’m nothing but a group of habits now and every one of them was force-fed to me by Hope McDonald. I want to reach out to her, to Erin.” He took a deep breath, letting the pain play out in his head before continuing. “But I can’t because I know I’ll hurt her in the end, and I don’t mean emotional bullshit. I’m talking physical harm.”

  “I think you would be surprised. Erin can take care of herself. You know she handled you pretty well the first time you met.”

  The first time they’d met. He should remember. Had they been at a party? Or had it been his first day of work? Had he
taken one look at her and known he wanted her? He was supposed to love her. Case had told him that baby they’d made hadn’t truly been an accident. That baby had come out of love and had brought them all hope when they were down. He had to remember and everything would be all right.

  His vision went blurry with pain. It thrummed through him, starting in his head and threatening to take over every muscle of his body.

  “Theo, stop thinking about it,” Kai’s voice said. “Calm down and stop. I need you to stop trying to remember.”

  Somewhere in the distance he heard the door opening, heard her voice calling out. She was here. How was she here?

  Her face was right there. Right in front of him. Erin. She was here with him and she was everything that was wrong. He was dreaming again and there was only one way to stop it.

  He reached out to wrap his hands around her throat.

  “Theo!” Kai yelled.

  And then the beautiful vision of Erin rolled her green eyes, reared back her fist, and popped him right in the face.

  Pure pain blossomed over him and he fell backward, hitting the floor with a thud.

  Erin stood over him, a frown on her face as she looked to the doc. “Seriously? You thought I was threatened by that?” She held a hand out to him. “Weak move, Taggart. You need more training. Come on. Let’s get the huggy shit over with so we can get on with our days.”

  He stared up at her. What the hell? Since that first moment in the bar, she’d been nothing but sweet and patient with him. The woman he’d met in Africa would never hit a man, much less damn near break his nose. The woman he knew practically babied him any chance she got. It was one of the horrible ironies. She treated him like a prince and he killed her in his dreams. In his dreams and up until now, she’d seemed so fragile, her eyes haunting him at every turn.

  Now she looked pissed and he was surprised how much that did something for him.

  “You hit me.” He was still shocked she’d done it.

  “Yeah, well, that’s what you get when you half ass a strangulation attempt, buddy. You get my fist in your face. And I pulled that punch because I know you’re all weak and shit.”

  “I’m not weak.” But he reached for her hand and let her haul him up. Yeah, he needed to rethink her fragile status. And when had she started talking to him like that?

  She gave him a once-over that let him know she didn’t buy a word of what he was saying. There was an arrogant set to her lips that made him want to cross the space between them, shove her pretty ass up against the wall, and show her exactly how not-weak he was. “Sure thing, Littlest Tag. Now what do you say we get through our therapy for the day? I have things to do.”

  “First of all, I’m not the littlest freaking Taggart. Not by a long shot. There are babies everywhere. Maybe the girls don’t count, but I would definitely say that…” He’d almost said our baby. Our baby is the littlest Tag. It had been right there on the edge of his tongue. He turned away from her and got back to his seat. “It doesn’t matter. You’re right. We should get through the therapy so we can get back to whatever we need to do.”

  Like going to the club and meeting this sub Ian wanted to introduce him to.

  His stomach turned at the idea because she was right there. She was easing into the seat next to him.

  He’d tried to strangle her not moments before.

  He was going to do whatever it took to not hurt the mother of his…of a child.

  Erin sank into the chair next to him. “Sorry about your nose. I don’t think it’s broken. Like I said I pulled my punch, but you should know I’m not pussyfooting around you anymore. I’ve been careful because I felt bad for you and shit, but you’re kind of an asshole and I’m just going to be me now. I get it. You don’t want a kid.”

  “I never said that.” Why was she being so difficult?

  She shrugged. “Whatever. You show no interest in him and that’s okay. I would have had him whether or not you wanted him, so no harm, no foul. We can stop these sessions if you want.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Kai began.

  “Hey, I never said any of this. Can we slow down for a second?” He wasn’t sure why he wasn’t jumping at the chance to quit these sessions. He dreamed about her after these sessions. If he stopped them maybe he wouldn’t anymore.

  Maybe he wouldn’t see her anymore.

  He couldn’t. He couldn’t stand the fucking thought that he wouldn’t see her again.

  What the hell was wrong with him? He needed to tell her that he wanted to end the sessions, too. That he didn’t consider the child his and he didn’t know her and it wouldn’t ever work.

  “Could we get started?” He sat back, unwilling to move even an inch away from her.

  Kai had his notepad in hand. “Yes, but I think we should try something different today. I’ve been considering this and we’ve talked around the past, but not directly about it. Are you interested in learning about your history, Theo? In a way I think might not hurt you?”

  He could learn about his past with her? It was stupid. He should be asking about his childhood and his military service, and all he wanted was to know about her.

  “I want to know how we met.”

  Kai’s lips curled up, and Theo wondered if he hadn’t fallen into a trap. “I want her to tell you, but it’s a story. Nothing more. It’s like the files you’ve been reading. You can distance yourself. This is a story about how she met a man who ended up becoming her lover. It’s nothing more than a story, and I don’t want you to try to remember any of it. Listen to her. Put yourself in the man’s place, but simply listen and let it flow over you. You can relearn your history. Not as memory but as stories. Do you understand?”

  Stories about her. Yeah, he could do that. “All right. I’m willing to try.”

  Kai looked toward her. “Can you do that for him? Tell him about how you met? It needs to be detailed, so he can sink into the story. He might start to understand if you can do that for him.”

  She bit her bottom lip and for a moment he thought she might reject the idea entirely. He waited for her and realized he wanted to hear that damn story more than he’d wanted anything in a long time. Maybe ever. His memory was shit so it could be ever.

  “All right, but I’m going to warn you. He might not come off so great in my version of the tale. He was kind of an asshole.”

  He wasn’t sure he liked her thinking of him as an asshole. “That’s okay. I want to hear it.”

  She leaned forward and began her story.

  Their story.

  * * * *

  Dallas, TX

  Three years before

  Erin thought about slamming the phone down and never calling back again. She’d thought he would be happy, but once again her father had proven her utterly and completely wrong. Maybe he hadn’t understood.

  “It’s a security job. I’m working with Ian Taggart, Dad. He’s legendary in the Green Berets.”

  There was a huff over the line. “He was a CIA butt kisser and he left to make money. You left because you couldn’t handle it. I believe I told you it was a mistake for you to join up.”

  Ten years. She’d spent ten years in the damn Army, but he acted like she’d washed out of basic. She’d moved up the ranks and done a damn fine job. “I left because it was leave or murder my fucking CO because he was a misogynist pig who didn’t like it when a woman said no.”

  There was a slight pause on the line and she could practically see her father rolling his eyes. “This is why women shouldn’t serve. I think I told you that, too. You’re a distraction to the real soldiers. You should have paid more attention to your marriage than your career and then you would have saved us all a lot of trouble. You know you got a good man in hot water the way you left.”

  Because she hadn’t been willing to let his sexual harassment go? Tears pierced her eyes as she finally acknowledged she was never going to please her father. Nothing she did was good enough because she wasn’t a b
oy. Her three brothers could murder people and as long as they were in the right branch of the military, moving up properly, her father wouldn’t bat an eyelash. But she’d always been told she wasn’t enough.

  Not enough of a woman to keep a husband. Not enough of a soldier to be admired.

  It wasn’t her fault the military didn’t accept women in Special Forces training. She’d gone counterintelligence and she’d been damn good. Unfortunately, her father thought counterintelligence was some kind of place for over-privileged brainiacs. Her father didn’t like brainiacs. He’d always said hyper-intelligent people couldn’t be trusted. She’d likely been the first kid in his history whose genius-level IQ test had disappointed her parent. The general hadn’t approved of her being accelerated through school and hadn’t offered to pay for college. He’d thought it was a waste of time when what she should do was get married.

  Her mom was MIA and had been since she was a kid.

  “I was wondering if you wanted to come visit me.” She got to her point because talking to him about her job was apparently not the way to go. “I heard you’re coming out to Dallas in a few weeks. You could stay with me. I’ve got a two-bedroom.”

  “I’ve got a place to stay. I don’t think I’m going to have time to see you. I’ve got that reunion thing, you know.”

  She felt her jaw go tight. She should have known. She’d called because she knew his yearly fishing trip with the guys from his old unit was coming up and they always started out in Dallas, where two of them lived, and then moved up to Lake Texoma for a fishing weekend.

  She wouldn’t get that. There was no old unit for her to go back to. Not anymore. They all looked at her the way her dad did. Or even if they didn’t, she wouldn’t bug them. Most of her old unit was still military, and she’d known she was leaving them behind when she’d chosen to get out of the fight.