Only Heaven Knows

by Sable Hunter

  “No. I can’t.” He pushed by her and left, closing the door behind him.

  Bryn was alone. Numb. Crushed.

  But at least she knew the truth. Denver loved her.

  Just not enough to stay.

  * * *

  “Fuck my life!”

  Denver skidded up to the front of his trailer, got out and slammed the door to his truck. He stomped up to his front door and unlocked it. When he stepped into the dismal, lonely interior, he chunked his keys on the kitchen cabinet so hard that he knocked a glass to the floor where it shattered, sending sharp shards in all directions. “Goddammit!”

  Hearing the breaking glass wasn’t enough, nor was the crunching of the diamond-like pieces under his boots, neither helped relieve the tense agony that was paralyzing every cell in his body. He strode into his bedroom and knocked his clock radio to the floor, where it emitted a satisfying grinding noise.

  “Fuck! Fuck!” he bellowed, his chest heaving.

  What a mess he’d made. If he’d ever wondered if God were on his side, now he knew for sure he wasn’t. His hope to avoid a confrontation had blown up in his face. He stood in front of the mirror and had to hold himself back from punching his stupid face. What he’d just been through was so much worse than he imagined – her disbelief, the hurt, the questions, the tears.

  Moaning, he grasped the edge of the dresser and bowed his head, recollecting the way her face had fallen when she read his note. She’d expected words of love, instead she’d received a shoddy farewell. He remembered how her hands had shaken when she’d wadded the note and threw it across the room. Those same hands had caressed his body and brought him more joy than he’d ever imagined.

  And her voice, he could barely hear her sweet husky voice when she’d apologized for being who she was, then offered to change – for him. What she saw as flaws, he saw as virtues. He looked up and caught a glimpse of his bed, the same bed where she’d let him love her, where she’d whispered his name in awe as he’d moved within her.

  Worst of all, he could remember how her eyes had looked when she read his awkward goodbye, how they’d filled with tears when she realized he was throwing away the love she offered so freely. He could still see the pain and confusion in the same eyes that had gazed at him with devotion only the night before.

  Denver sank down to the bed and held his head in his hands. His heart hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, every beat felt like it was pounding on a raw wound. Every heartbeat also marked the time he spent away from her. With a harsh, surprised laugh, he realized that the end result of this fiasco was the same as if she’d come to her senses and walked away from him – either way he was fucked. He’d just lost the best thing that ever happened to him.

  Correction.

  He didn’t lose her, he’d walked away from her.

  The whole thing was his fault.

  His own personal hell.

  …Across the way, Bryn sat on the floor with her phone in her hand. She’d called Freddy to come over, she couldn’t think of anyone better to ask. At least he’d let her pay him for his trouble. She’d cried her eyes out over Denver and now it was time to set things in order. She leaned her head back against the wall and tried to think. She knew things had to be done, she just didn’t feel like doing them.

  From where she sat, she could see the crumpled note he’d given her. It was lying next to a particularly large dust bunny. They both seemed to be laughing at her. Who was she to expect a happy-ever-after? Mother Superior had been right, she was an aberration. “Ha!” she let out a sad laugh. She still remembered going back to the convent library to look the word up. At first, she’d though Mother was calling her a ghost, an apparition. When she’d asked her to repeat the word, she’d spelled it for Bryn. Once she found the definition, she’d agreed with the older woman’s choice. She, indeed, was an aberration – an anomaly, a deviation, a departure from what is normal or expected. A departure that is usually unwelcome.

  It was the last part that got her.

  Unwelcome.

  Her eyes moved from the wadded note to the spot where Denver had last stood. She saw a tiny clump of dirt that he’d tracked in. She didn’t move to clean it up. She wanted to preserve the spot where he’d stood as he wrote them off, the spot where he’d broken her heart. This was another reason she couldn’t stay where she was. It was time to pull up stakes and move on, there was no reason for her to stay in Kerrville.

  Knock! Knock!

  “Bryn! It’s Freddy.”

  She stood to her feet and opened the door. “Hey, let me get my purse and I’ll be ready.”

  “You don’t look ready, you look like shit.” As soon as he said the slightly ugly word, he jumped. “Don’t smite me, don’t smite me!”

  “Oh, hush.” She found her purse next to the overnight bag she’d packed. “I need for you to follow me to Denver’s. We just…parted ways and I want to return his car.”

  “You broke up?” He was astonished. “But you’re perfect together.”

  She thought so too. “Apparently not.”

  “Why are you taking…wait. The car belongs to him?”

  Bryn really didn’t feel like explaining. “It was a gift.” When he looked at her with his quizzical, almost canine, expression, she added. “I came here with nothing. He helped me.”

  “Oh.”

  His one word conveyed volumes, none of which sounded very nice.

  “It wasn’t like that,” she muttered, then felt odd. “It really wasn’t.” She couldn’t explain something she didn’t understand herself. “Denver is a good guy. He just…doesn’t want to be with me.”

  “I understand.”

  Freddy’s agreement irritated Bryn. “Watch it.” If she didn’t have scruples, she’d cause the board he was standing on to pop up and hit him in the rear.

  “So, I’ll follow you and then what?”

  “I’ll need a ride to Tebow and then to a phone store. After that, you can drop me off at a motel.”

  “Not coming home, huh. Afraid he’ll come over?”

  “No.” She sadly locked the door behind them. “I’m afraid he won’t.”

  …At the trailer, Denver threw his ruined dinner in the sink, then ran cold water over his burnt thumb as the garbage disposal did its job. “I can’t do anything right.”

  The sound of car engines caused him to raise his eyes and he frowned when he saw Bryn drive up, closely followed by Freddy Danvers in his own vehicle. “What the hell?”

  Just the sight of Bryn made his heart ache. What was she doing with Danvers and what were they both doing at his squalid little trailer?

  He soon learned the answer.

  Denver opened the door before Bryn could knock. “Is something wrong?” He had to hold on to the door facing to keep from reaching for her.

  Of course, there was something wrong. Bryn shook her head. “Just returning what doesn’t belong to me.” She held out the keys and her phone. “I want you to know that no matter how this ended, I thank you for how good you were to me.”

  “I don’t want the car.”

  “Yes, you’re taking it. I insist. It’s not right for me to keep it.”

  He accepted the keys reluctantly. “Danvers gonna be taking care of you?”

  “Yea, for a price.” She nailed him with a stare, daring him to make something ugly out of what she said. Denver knew Freddy drove for Uber. “And here’s your phone, you can cancel whatever plan you have.” Bryn held up the SIM card. “I’ll get another one, but I want to keep the same number.” Now, why did she tell him that? He wasn’t going to call.

  “I don’t like this, Miss Bryn.”

  “Don’t call me that.” She shook a little, her nerves were about to get the best of her. “I’ll also pay you for the work you did on my place.” It would make selling the house easier.

  “I don’t want the money.” He said the words slowly and succinctly.

  “Yea, but I wouldn’t feel right not giving it to you,” she explain
ed softly.

  Damn. “This wasn’t what I intended,” he murmured low.

  “I know. Don’t worry about it.” She looked up at him, holding his gaze. “You need to forgive yourself, Denver. Until you do, you’re never going to be happy.”

  Her words hit him hard. He knew she was right. “Easier said than done.”

  For a millisecond, time seemed to stand still, and they just looked at one another. “I can remember the night I first saw you.”

  “Yea, me too.” Denver pressed on the wood of the door so hard, it knew a fingerprint would be left behind when he turned it loose.

  “No matter how it ended, I’ll never forget you, Denver. I enjoyed knowing you very much.”

  “Same here.” Weak words to convey how she’d turned his world upside down.

  “Well, goodbye.” Bryn held his gaze for a full five seconds before she turned and ran for Freddy’s car as if the devil himself were after her.

  From his trailer door, the devil watched her go and knew hell was going to be a mighty lonely place.

  …Once she was in Freddy’s car, she slammed the door. “Let’s get out of here.”

  “Are you all right?”

  Bryn wiped the tears from her cheek. “Not yet, but I will be.” She reinforced her determination. She wouldn’t phone. Wouldn’t text. Wouldn’t ask people about him. Wouldn’t drive by his place. Out of sight, out of mind.

  Yea, right.

  She pointed to a narrow lane. “Turn here, it’s a shortcut. Denver’s trailer is actually on Tebow property.”

  Freddy followed her directions, driving slowly down the country lane to the McCoy’s main house. “Here you are, La Dame Blanche.”

  Bryn was a little proud of herself for getting the reference. “No, Freddy, I’m not a witch, white or otherwise.”

  “No, you’re not.” Freddy agreed. “I think you’re wonderful, just the way you are.”

  She looked at him like he was crazy. “Do you feel all right?”

  “Yea, I’m good.” He winked at her and Bryn didn’t know what to think.

  “Do you mind waiting?” she asked before getting out of the car.

  “Not at all, take your time.” He held up his phone. “I can entertain myself for hours on Reddit and Instagram.”

  The words were Greek to her. She still had a lot to learn. “Okay, I’ll hurry.” Bryn hoped Avery was here. She knew Isaac’s wife spent a lot of time at Hardbodies, but with a new baby, she figured Tebow might be her residence of choice. Plenty of babysitters.

  After tapping on the door, Bryn found she was in luck. Avery answered with little Sebastian in her arms. “Bryn, what’s wrong? Something going wrong with the shop? Kane told us there’d been a rash of break-ins…”

  Bryn stopped her. “No, there’s nothing wrong at the shop. I just wanted to tell you in person that I’m giving my two weeks’ notice.”

  “What!” Avery was stunned. “Why?”

  Bryn didn’t want to go into the real reason, so she made up new ones. On the fly. “I’m thinking about going back to school. I’ll probably end up in Houston or Dallas. The house is a little too much for me to take care of, I’ll be better off in an apartment.”

  “Hey, did I hear you say you’re thinking about moving?”

  Isaac’s booming voice woke Sebastian, who immediately began wailing.

  “Isaac, look what you did!” Avery fussed at her husband.

  “Sorry.” Isaac winced and slipped over to kiss his wife and unhappy little son. “Do you want me to take him?.”

  “No, I’ll handle it.” She looked at Bryn. “Tricia’s going to hate like heck that you’re leaving, and I do too. But I understand. I’ll put a help wanted ad online tomorrow.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate this and I’m so sorry.”

  Avery gave her a hug. “Hey, don’t worry. I just want you to be happy.”

  Yea, so did she. “Thanks. Well, I guess I’ll…”

  “Hold on,” Isaac touched her arm when she was about to turn to leave. “I didn’t get to finish my thought earlier. My offer is still open. If you want to sell your property, I want to buy it. Top dollar. We can get it appraised.”

  Bryn didn’t know very much about real estate, but she could learn. “Yes, please. Order the appraisal and then we’ll talk.”

  “Great!” Isaac did a fist pump. “I’ll give you a good deal.”

  When Bryn rejoined Freddy, he was listening to a YouTube video by a Colorado professor teaching a class on reading runes. She crawled in next to him and fastened her seatbelt. “And you think I’m weird.”

  Freddy laughed. “Nope, you still have me beat. Ready to go to the phone store?”

  “Yea, I’m ready.”

  Bryn lied again. Man, she was getting good at this. Truth was, she wasn’t ready at all. The only thing she could think about was Denver.

  Did he miss her?

  Was he thinking about her?

  The answer was probably no, and she was better off not knowing for sure.

  * * *

  About ten minutes after Bryn left, Denver came out of his trance. He was still shook-up from her visit. He understood what she was doing, but he couldn’t let her be without a car. She might make other arrangements, but until she did, he wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing she was walking around on her own. And the thought of her spending more time with Uber-boy didn’t set well, at all.

  Before he could change his mind, he took Bryn’s keys and drove her car over to her house. With keys in hand, he went to her door and knocked, but there was no answer. He knocked again, thinking she might be inside and just didn’t want to talk to him. Finally, after three more knocks, he had to assume she wasn’t home. Damn. He hated to leave another note, but he had no choice. This time he just scribbled a short message on the back of a grocery receipt and stuck it under the windshield wiper.

  Have mercy on me. Keep it until you get something else. Please. Keys are under the edge of what I repaired for you.

  When he finished, he slapped the hood and walked home with a heavy heart. All he wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide. If things didn’t change, he was calling in sick tomorrow. Lance would be back, he could handle things without him for one day.

  …Bryn played with the new phone as Freddy backed out of the parking place in front of the electronics store. “Neat. Someday I’m going to figure out what an app is.”

  “When you’re ready for some lessons, I’ll be glad to give you some.”

  This time he waggled his brows at her and Bryn grinned. “Don’t do that, you look silly.”

  “Great.” Freddy let out a sigh. “I guess I’m just not hero material, not like that big cowboy.”

  “Well, don’t take my word for it,” Bryn said, feeling guilty that she’d made him feel bad. “I don’t have a lot of experience with men.” This was true. Although, she was very certain if she had a type, Denver was it.

  “So, which motel do you want to go to? The one on the loop or the one closer to downtown?”

  Bryn thought a minute. “You know what, I think I’ll go home.”

  “You changed your mind?” When she nodded, he just sighed. “Women.”

  On the drive out of town, Bryn wondered what Denver was doing. Was he watching television? A really bad thought came to mind. What if he was on a date? She shuddered, then gripped her phone so tightly she almost cracked the case. He would date. He’d probably find someone who suited him better than she did.

  For the first time, she was tempted to see if she could influence someone’s actions. She’d never done this before and something told her she’d be venturing into dangerous territory. It was one thing to help people, it was quite another to attempt to control them. A cold chill brought goose bumps to her flesh. No, she’d never do anything like that. Tampering with someone’s free will was wrong. As much as it hurt to let Denver go, she would never force herself on anyone. She knew what a good person he was and if things were different, maybe she could’
ve made him happy. It was hard to be objective, but Bryn knew they both had their own problems. What they saw as their deficiencies. And combined, maybe it was just too much for them to overcome.

  “Well, look at that, Bryn. Your car came home.”

  Bryn jerked her head upright. She’d been so absorbed in thoughts of Denver, they’d arrived at her house before she noticed. “Well, darn.” Freddy was right, the car she’d left at Denver’s was once again parked in its normal spot. She glanced around, seeing no one. “I guess he dropped it off and walked home.”

  “Do you want to take it back to him?”

  The hour was getting late, the sun was going down in the west. “No, thanks. I’ll figure something out tomorrow. How much do I owe you?”

  Freddy looked offended. “Hey, I thought this was a date. Sort of.”

  “No, I asked you to help me, I didn’t intend to take advantage of you.”

  “You didn’t,” Freddy assured her. “No charge. We’re friends. Okay?”

  “Okay and thanks.” She gave him a hug.

  “Call me anytime.”

  “All right.” Bryn gathered her things and Freddy walked her to her door. She was glad he didn’t push for a goodnight kiss, she would’ve had to say no.

  As soon as he was gone, her new phone rang. She grabbed it, thinking the caller might be Denver, but she didn’t recognize the number. Almost, Bryn didn’t answer it, but she changed her mind before it quit ringing. “Hello, this is Bryn.”

  “Brianna, this is Mother Superior. I’d like to speak with you, please. Could you come to Emmaus House tomorrow?”

  “Tomorrow? Why?”

  “It’s not something I want to go into over the phone.”

  Bryn exhaled. She was so tired. “I’ll have to take off work and I can’t ask until tomorrow.”

  “Fine. I trust you’ll make it. I’ll see you at three.”

  As Bryn hit the disconnect button, she frowned. “I can see she hasn’t changed.” What could she want? Bryn tried to think if she’d done anything since leaving the convent that they would’ve heard about. She couldn’t think of anything. “They’ve already exiled and excommunicated me. What more can they do?”