“Mary, her name was Mary, the beautiful woman, my dad’s girlfriend, who was not a mother, whose life wasn’t wasted on a sick child. Dad left us for her.”
Her fingers stopped drawing and her gaze was fixed somewhere in the oblivion, the pain in her eyes was so strong that it didn’t even need words. After a small moment, she began retracing the imaginary circles.
“Mom was right. I was the reason for their separation.”
My gaze automatically shifted to the kitchen of our house that was clearly visible from here. I could see mom through the window, she was chopping vegetables for the next day. I secretly thanked god once again for choosing her for me. I was 11 when I got to know that she wasn’t my birth mother, when none of my parent’s blood group matched mine when I needed it after a small accident. It was then that they told me about my mother who died while giving birth to me. But my mother was the woman I could see through the window, whose love knew no boundaries, whose life revolved around me and Avinash. I could never imagine using the word stepmother for her. Our bond ran deeper than blood relation.
“Mom was right when she sent me to the boarding school.” Kiara’s words pulled me to present. “She was right when she wanted to go back to being the attractive women who was desirable. She was right when she chose to see me only once a year. I deserved the punishment, I deserved missing her and dad, I deserved the longing that bore into me like shards of broken glass. Initially, dad used to come and see me sometimes, but soon enough he was gifted with a healthy child with Mary, not a half handicap like me and I knew I was easily forgettable. I just knew.”
Kiara shut her eyes tightly and shrunk herself in her own hug. I slid near her and wrapped my arm around her. She moved her head and rested it on my shoulders.
“I have spent my childhood craving for love. Waiting and waiting with empty arms that had no one to hold on to.” Her voice was sad but steady as she spoke, like she had accepted it; this distance from her parents, the lack of emotional bonding on their part. She had accepted it. She had already cried for it.
But somehow, I felt the sadness that had settled in her eyes was about something she hadn’t yet let go, something she hadn’t yet accepted…
…Something she hadn’t yet cried for.
31. Tia
In short duration, my bonding with Kiara had gone to a different level. She filled the gap of a sister in my life.
She went to the kitchen to fetch spoons and I opened the Pav bhaji mom packed for her, but before she returned, I pushed the whistling toy beneath the cushion on her chair. She walked out and as soon as she sat on the chair the whistle blew out loudly and she almost jumped off, her face painted red with embarrassment.
I cracked out, laughing madly, uncontrollably, so much that my stomach begun to ache. Pressing my stomach with my hands I doubled over laughing.
“This wasn’t funny. Ok.” She hissed, folding her hands at her chest.
“What?” She asked suddenly in alert mode when I walked towards her.
“No.” She stepped back. “No.” She said and ran to her room. I chased her and finally caught her and tickled her. She started laughing madly. “Stop it. Stop it, Tia. I am not angry anymore. Just stop it,” she said, and in our mad fight we both fell down on the bed laughing.
“You are a mad, mad girl.” She laid on her side facing me, her head popped up on her hand.
“I know,” I said, laying in the same position facing her. “But then it’s not my fault, there is only one way to make you laugh when you are angry.”
“Who can stay angry with you, you fool?” She motioned her free hand towards me.
“You tried to when you first came here, all sullen and in a bad mood.” I made a face.
The atmosphere suddenly changed with my statement, it became tense and silent, her gaze dropped to the pillow between us. I thought I would have to break the silence, but then she took a deep breath and said, “I was going through a rough phase.”
“About which you never told me.” Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but I wasn’t curious, I was concerned. I could have helped, and even if I couldn’t, at least I could comfort her. At least she would have it off her chest.
“You think I won’t understand?” I asked when she didn’t reply.
She laid down on the bed and her gaze fixed at the fan rotating on the ceiling. After a long silence her voice came out in a hollow whisper. “I would not have been so lonely in my life Tia. I would have been married to the love of my life.”
She blinked her eyes and I thought she would cry, but she didn’t. The silence expanded and I thought she wouldn’t continue but she did. “All the preparations were done. For once in my life, even my mother was happy with my decision. She gifted me a pink lehenga for my marriage.” She halted abruptly and it was evident she wasn’t with me when she spoke again. “My fiancé’s mother never approved of me, she thought that living alone for so long I would have a long list of boyfriends. She doubted my character, she disliked my dressing, my skin colour, my eyes, my hair… there wasn’t a part of me she failed to criticise. She tried to brainwash my fiancé about me being unlucky, but his love for me was solid.” Her face curled up in the saddest smile I had ever seen in my 24 years of life. “He was the rock of my fragile world. He was…he was…” she closed her eyes and finally a tear escaped. “Everything.”
I wanted to reach to her, but she looked so fragile that I was scared to touch her.
“His mother died two days before our wedding and what his mother couldn’t do in her life, she did it on her deathbed. She convinced him I was unlucky, my luck brought her untimely death.”
The tremble in her voice had begun to travel to other parts of her body, but she didn’t realise it, her lifeless gaze was fixed to the ceiling and I only realized she had zoned out when the silence stretched on forever.
“Kiara?” I softly touched her hand.
Finally, she looked at me and her eyes were submerged in a pain so raw I couldn’t look into them. This time I was the one who shifted her gaze.
“He repented falling in love with me. The best moments of my life were his worst.” Her voice finally broke and once the tears begun to flow, there was no stopping. She needed it all out, so I didn’t give her shallow advice of moving on. Someday I might tell her, but it just didn’t feel right in that moment. I hugged her and her arms came around me in a trembling embrace. A wail so harrowing, so deep, so intense emanated from her mouth that it consumed the air, it consumed the last bit of normalcy left in the room and big fat tears rolled down my own eyes…the vibes coming from her were so drenched in pain that even I felt it in every inch of my body. Her wail continued as if every particle of her body was crying in unison, and even after the whacking moan stopped, she cried inconsolably for so long that I wondered how she’d even survived until now, holding it all in.
And somehow, I knew, I just knew…she didn’t tell me everything.
Because her cries ran deeper than the words she shared.
32. Stalker
My little shy doll. I loved your dressing because it didn’t give away your bombshell figure. Were you even aware I was so close, just a few steps behind you? Ogling over you, relishing every part of your beautiful body, imagining you without… Oh, why did you stop? Did my footsteps scare you? Thankfully, there was a tree that hid me just in time. But why I did I hide? You had no reason not to fancy me.
It was already half past 10, too late to return home. Weren’t you spending too much time with that girl, Kiara? The time you should have spent with me, but at least it was better than sharing a car with a man. I needed to teach you a lot of things because your stupid mother didn’t raise you right. She didn’t teach you to be home before seven, she didn’t even teach you to steer clear of men. But one day you would become a good girl. I would teach you how.
Why did your footsteps become so hurried? Did you feel my presence? Oh, that was such a joy. I peeked out from the tree and you were knocking at your d
oor. I clicked. No, I wouldn’t send you this click, it was dark, like me. Soon enough the light of your bedroom would click, but then you had begun to pull off your curtains. Were you scared of me my silly girl? But it didn’t make me mad, fear is a sign of respect and good girls fear their man.
I walked to the huge park next to the building where that stupid Kiara lived, someday I wished to tackle her as well. She was another bomb, so maybe we all could enjoy together. Would you be jealous if I fancied her as well? I would have liked that actually, you being possessive over me. But there should be benefits of being a man after all. Right?
The little bench in the park was my heaven, you appeared prettier behind the curtain of the leaves and the dense foliage covered me well. The wait for another glimpse in the morning tortured me, but until then, I had to be content with fantasizing you in my dreams, without any barriers between us.
But for how long?
It was time for the rat and cat chase to stop.
It was time you shifted from my dreams into my arms.
Your wait would end soon.
I am coming.
33. Tia
Samar had asked for a transfer.
The news from Devansh snatched the earth beneath my foot. It affected me in unexpected ways. I was scared his request might be accepted, and I was hurt he asked for a transfer, he wanted to get away from Mumbai. From me.
Why the hell had it hurt like that, like my world was collapsing? And it was beyond comprehension as to why I was constantly praying for his transfer request to be declined. If he didn’t want to stay then why did I want to hold on to him?
Jerk.
For once in my life I wanted to say that to his face. And I didn’t want to go to his cabin to discuss the reports, but I had to, there was no option.
I knocked at his cabin and entered. He was working on his laptop and briefly looked up.
I sat on the chair on the opposite side of the table.
“There is one issue in the report,” I said.
“Go ahead,” he replied, his eyes fixed to his laptop, his gigantic frame hunched over as if his life depended on whatever he was working on.
I wasn’t going to take the insult; I wasn’t going to say anything until he looked at me, so I stayed silent.
“You were saying something.” He finally looked at me and I wished I could have said whatever I had to say when his hypnotizing eyes weren’t focused on me. My emotions wouldn’t go haywire then. I thought I would cry. The thought of him getting away was breaking me from the inside. He removed his huge hands from this keypad and folded them on the table.
“Tia…” His voice was so rough and yet so soft that I literally bit my cheeks to avoid crying.
I picked up the glass of water and gulped it down. Yes, I know that was stupid; that water was for him, not me, but it was just water, why should it matter who drank it?
“The rates are not competitive.” I swallowed the lump, got up and left, not discussing the detailed findings and cursing myself for being so weak and stupid. I walked to the washroom and splashed water on my face. What the hell was wrong with me?
Thankfully, he didn’t ask what happened to me later, not that I was expecting him to. But, well, who was I fooling? I tried to divert my attention and planned Avinash’s birthday surprise. I had purchased an Avenger T-shirt for him. I knew he hated them, but then that was his punishment for always threatening to steal away mine. The very imagination of his expressions brought a smile to my face.
Later in the night I visited Kiara and we sat on her balcony, our backs resting on the wall, knees folded to our chest and hands resting on our knees.
The best time of the day.
I discussed my plan of surprising Avinash.
“He will remember the lesson, that Tia is the prank master, she teases everyone, no one teases her.” I chuckled but Kiara didn’t give the reaction I was expecting, she didn’t’ smile.
“What happened Tia?” She touched my hand.
“My surprises are not surprising anymore you know. Everyone at home knows I am going to do something.” I complained.
“What else is bothering you?” She asked firmly.
Who was I trying to fool? She could read me inside out.
“Samar has asked for a transfer.” I had told her about everyone in my office, though I never disclosed my longing for Samar, but the way she fell silent, I guess I might have hinted it.
“Not that it bothers me. I am just saying.” I faked a smile, but tears welled up in my eyes.
She didn’t say anything, just kept her hand on my shoulder and squeezed me close. She touched my forehead with her own and finally said when the silence stretched too far. “You will be fine. Believe me.”
We sat like that in silence for some time and then suddenly she said, “Tia and Kia, doesn’t that rhyme?” Her statement took me off guard, but I knew she wanted to divert my mind, so I nodded and we laughed for no reason.
“Now come on, I have a surprise for you.” She got up and offered me her hand to get up, I took it and then followed her to the kitchen.
“Pani puri!” I exclaimed when I saw the panipuri packet on the platform.
“Yes, I have made it for you.” She brought everything to the table and in spite of the fact that I already had my dinner, I ate more than 15 panipuris.
“That was yummy, you can open a stall you know,” I said, touching my stomach that was so full I had trouble sitting.
“Nice idea, but my software freelancing pays me well enough to pay my bills.” She joked and we laughed. Suddenly, Samar’s transfer request didn’t hurt so bad. In that moment I was happy, though I knew if his request was approved I would be devastated, but then I held hope it might be cancelled. Why was I scared of losing someone that wasn’t even mine? I forced my thoughts back to Kiara. I didn’t want to spoil her surprise. There were so many good things in my life, I couldn’t allow a single person to bring me down.
After some time, I glanced at my watch and it was almost 10.
“I should leave, I have to prepare for Avinash’s surprise. I will blow at least 50 balloons this time, then only that will be a surprise.”
“Need my help?” she asked.
“That would be fun, but I can’t carry blown up balloons from here. If you want to stay over at my place tonight then that will be great.”
“No, Tia. It’s you family celebration, I don’t want to interrupt.”
“There would be no interruption.”
“Other time,” she said, and I left it there.
“Would you like to see my childhood album?” she asked, and I again looked at my wristwatch. I was about to decline, but when I looked up at her face the spark in her eyes held me. Kiara hardly got excited for anything and the little changes in her filled me with hope that she would come out of her past.
“Why not?” I said and we walked to her bedroom. She pulled out an album from the almirah and we laid down on her bed.
Almost all the photos were of her childhood. “They are all of the time before my parent’s divorce.” Her voice was dull, the spark gone.
“Awww, you look so cute in this one.” I tried to cheer her up. She forced a smile and I began to swipe through the pages. It was a huge album. With every page turned I got a glimpse of her childhood. Even in her childhood there was a strange maturity about her, as if she was independent; or maybe lonely was the right word. In each photo, her parents held each other’s hand and Kiara stood at a distance holding a doll, aloof, left out. Kiara must really have loved the doll because the doll was there throughout the years of her childhood.
I get attached Tia and people leave.
Her words rang in my mind, how desolate she must have been to hold on to a doll for so long. I looked at her, but she had fallen asleep. She had got up at four today so she must have been dead tired. I closely looked at her, her one hand folded beneath her head and the other on her stomach; she looked so innocent, just like the little girl in the al
bum, nothing like the big-headed girl I met almost seven months back. The silence of the room wasn’t soothing when I thought of her alone in this home, it must be so lonely. I was never the one for silence, I loved sounds. In sound I felt that the life was moving, in silence I felt stagnant. The more I thought of her alone in this dead silence, the more uncomfortable I got.
I closed my eyes to battle the tiredness, but I dozed off.
The frantically ringing doorbell woke me up. Kiara also got up with a jolt. My glance shifted to the wall clock.
“Oh shit, its 11.30.” I jumped from the bed and ran towards the door, already aware who was knocking. Kiara followed me.
Mom was standing at the door, her face solemn. As soon as I opened the door her worry transformed to anger. “Where is your phone? I called you so many times.”
“Oh shit.” I pulled out the phone from my jeans pocket. 19 missed calls.
“I might have put it on silent mode. I am so sorry mom. Kiara, I will see you tomorrow,” I said urgently before walking out.
She nodded and mouthed sorry before I turned around to leave. Mom was clearly upset with my carelessness and rightly so. I was getting too tired these days. A few days back also I slept at Kiara’s home and at the office I often felt dizzy. I needed to get my vitamin levels checked.
“Mom, I am really sorry. I began looking at her album and we both dozed off.” She put the key in the lock, and we entered in, I was expecting to see anger on her face but when she faced me her anger was once again replaced with worry. She touched my forehead to check for fever, but I wasn’t feverish.
Beyond Lies Page 9