“Something like that,” I mutter again.
“Ri…”
“Just forget it, okay?” I snap. “I’m glad you saw your grandmother. I’m glad everything’s fine for you, but if you’ll excuse me, I have to get out of here.”
With that I stand up and stalk outside, leaving my uneaten lunch on the table.
This sucks.
This sucks out loud.
This worse than sucks out loud.
I have to get out of this school.
This place is ruining my life.
If I can just go back so I can turn up in school right before the accident, I’ll save Anthony and Wade will still be mine.
And I’ll do it by myself. If Wade is screwing Sophie, which he undeniably is, then it’s pretty likely that he’s not coming to rescue me anytime soon.
But you know what? I don’t need a man to save me. Especially a man who is humping my best friend just days after I died.
I’ll go back. I’ll stop their little tryst.
Except there won’t even be a little tryst then, because I won’t be dead.
Wade will never want to so much as glance at another woman again.
But there is one small problem with my plan.
How am I supposed to find this so-called exit, when Clare—and apparently a whole group of people who hold regular meetings about it—haven’t found it yet?
My mind wanders back to something Caydi said last night.
“You could’ve both got yourselves expelled for doing that.”
Hmm.
I’ve already asked the principal to let me out and she’s said no. I wonder what the school’s policy would be on throwing me out?
I don’t have lessons this afternoon. Instead I have the extremely thrilling one-on-one counselling session that Eliza Carbonell arranged with Mr Perkins for me.
The only thing on my mind as I meander towards the old art room, where his office is located, is how much I have to get out of here.
I can’t stay. I can’t just sit here and watch Wade and Sophie have it off together.
Wade is mine. He loves me. He would never cheat on me. Unless I was dead or something. Obviously.
So I have to get back. I can’t just sit here and watch my life slip away because I was in some stupid accident. And I have to do it now or there will be no one left. If Wade and Sophie are planning on getting together, they won’t want me in the middle of it. Plus, if too much time passes, then maybe I won’t be able to go back to before the crash. Maybe it will be too far back.
If they won’t let me out of here the nice way, then I’ll just have to make them throw me out the not-nice way.
So I have to get expelled. I have no idea how to go about that. I’ve never tried to get expelled before. The only flaw in my plan is the fact that I have absolutely no idea what their policy on expelling people is. It’s not exactly something you ask a teacher about, is it?
The other thing I don’t know is what actually happens when you get expelled. I’ll have to ask Caydi tonight. She’s bound to know. The thing is, I don’t want to end up in hell or somewhere. Not that hell could really be much different to this. Maybe a little warmer.
My mind is racing as I push open the door of the art block and am surprised to see a row of chairs lined up outside the door and muted, plain walls with no artwork on them. It looks like a doctor’s waiting room.
In our school, this block was home to art, home economics, and textile classes. The walls were lined with artwork and the place always smelled of cooking. Usually burnt cooking.
I knock on the door and Mr Perkins’ voice filters through. He tells me to sit down.
I do as he says and think about trying to get expelled for a few minutes. I try to think about what happened in my old school. The truth is I can only think of one boy who got expelled back at home, and that was because he started a punch-up on the school field.
I have no intention of starting a punch-up.
I also can’t make it look too obvious. The teachers here are clever. And possibly mind readers. I’m sure they’ll know what I’m up to if I’m not very careful about it. If I start going around starting fights for no reason, they’ll suspect something. So I have to be clever too.
I think about sneaking around at night.
I could get myself caught outside again. But to be honest, even though I’m kind of desperate to get thrown out, being outside last night was really, really scary. And I wouldn’t have Anthony with me this time, because I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be up for getting expelled. I doubt Anthony has ever so much as got a C on an essay, let alone done anything that might result in expulsion.
The only thing I can think of is setting off the fire alarm for no reason. That could potentially get me in a lot of trouble, especially considering the personal connection Eliza Carbonell has to all things fire related.
But what about detention?
They’re not just going to kick me out straight away. They’re going to stick me in detention for the rest of the year.
My thoughts are interrupted by Mr Oscar Perkins banging the door open and calling me in.
I walk into his room in our old art class and I’m surprised to see how different it looks. The creativity of the room has been sucked out by the greyness and the complete doctor’s-office feel of the room.
There is one huge antique looking wooden desk at the front of the room. Mr Perkins takes a seat behind it as I walk in. He tells me to sit down on the giant uncomfortable-looking couch in front of the desk. The rest of the room has even more uncomfortable-looking hard plastic chairs and a few tables.
“Hello again, Riley Richardson,” he says, grinning at me like it is funny to use my full name.
It is not.
“So,” he says when I don’t smile at him. “Mrs Carbonell tells me you’re finding it hard to adjust to being here.”
I shrug.
“I can’t help unless you talk to me,” he says, still grinning inanely.
Don’t help then. Sod off instead. That is what I want to tell him. But I don’t. Because somewhere in my brain, I still think you have to be respectful to teachers.
But what’s the worst they could do? Expel me? Hah.
Nothing’s that easy.
“It’s just very different to my old school,” I say. “I’m not used to it.”
He nods. “And you miss your family?”
Yes. Oh God, yes. My family. Mum and Dad. I’ve been so caught up in Wade that I’ve barely thought about how much I miss my mum and dad. The thought of them makes something pang in my stomach and I suddenly feel guilty for not missing them more. They must be devastated. And I don’t even mean that in the self-important “I was the centre of everyone’s universe” way that I have before. I mean, no matter which way you look at it, my parents have just lost their only daughter.
Jeez, I have to be the most selfish person in the world.
Next Visualisation class I will use to check on them.
I’m not wasting another visualisation on Wade again.
Besides, I’m not sure I want to see what he’s doing. If I’m going home, to before the accident, to before things went so badly misshapen, then the thing with him and Sophie won’t have happened yet, and even I can forgive something that hasn’t really taken place. I don’t need to see them together again.
Not that I don’t have a full-colour rerun playing in my head at all times.
“We understand it’s difficult to adjust,” Mr Perkins is saying.
If I hear that patronising, useless line one more time, I am going to do something I’ll regret.
Unless they expel me for it. Then I won’t regret it.
“Look,” I say suddenly. “I don’t need a bunch of dead old fogies telling me ‘oh we understand, it’ll get easier’. I need some actions. I need my life back. If you lot want me to fit in so badly, stop being a bunch of patronising old farts and really understand. I don’t want this. I don’t want to be here. I
didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to see my boyfriend humping my best friend’s leg, but—”
Oops. I didn’t mean to say that out loud.
Even Mr Perkins looks stunned.
“I’m sorry to hear about that, Riley. It must be very upsetting.”
Arrgh. What part of patronising old git didn’t he understand?
“At least you have a friend here,” he says after a few minutes silence. “Mr Marsden,” he clarifies when I stare at him blankly.
Honestly I don’t know what I would have done without Anthony here. He’s been like a rock. And suddenly I realise that if I am going to go ahead and try to get expelled, I’m going to have to leave him here.
I’m one hundred percent positive that he won’t be up for my plan.
I’m sure he wants to get out of here as much as I do, but trying to get expelled is just not in Anthony’s nature.
If we found the exit, we could both jump in together and it wouldn’t get us in any trouble.
He’d come back with me then.
But if I can get myself expelled and go back to before the crash and Anthony doesn’t come with me… What does that mean? Will he still be there at home because technically he won’t have died until Wade kills him, which I intend to stop? Will he remember any of this? Will he remember me? Or will he not be there because he is dead and ultimately here, no matter how far back I go?
I don’t like this.
I don’t want to leave Anthony and yet I can’t stay here.
He’ll never go for trying to get himself expelled. I know he won’t.
“You seem very distracted today, Miss Richardson,” Mr Perkins is saying.
“Sorry,” I mumble.
“It’s okay. I understand that it’s not the best day given what you’ve seen this morning. Would you like to talk about it?”
“Not really,” I admit.
“Okay, well how about we schedule another appointment for a nicer afternoon, hmm? I’ll see if I can’t rustle up some chocolate biscuits and we’ll have a nice little chat. How does that sound?”
Sounds like I’m not going to be here that long.
“That would be good,” I say instead.
“Wonderful,” he hands me a little appointment card with a date for next Friday afternoon on it.
“See you then, Miss Richardson,” he says as I go to leave.
No, you won’t, I think.
No, you won’t.
CHAPTER 23
I was right about one thing. Anthony baulks at my plan.
“Are you insane?” he asks calmly.
“No, just desperate.”
It’s not like we had an argument about it or anything, but I stormed off and went to talk to Caydi instead. She was slightly more supportive in a “You’re insane. I don’t even know if they can expel you” way.
“I have to try something,” I tell her. “I can’t just sit here and…” I can’t tell her about Wade and Sophie. “I just have to go back. I can’t let things end like this.”
“So you’ve finally given up on the idea of Mr White Knight riding in to save you?”
Considering he’s screwing my best friend? Yeah, pretty much.
“I guess so,” I say instead without elaborating.
I even know what I’m going to do first. I don’t know if it will be good enough to get me expelled, but it’s bound to get me in trouble. And trouble is the best place to begin.
I lie awake until just after two o’clock when I’m pretty sure that everyone else in the school will be fast asleep and then I sneak out of the room, creep down the hallway, and pull the fire alarm.
I know it’s juvenile. I know it’s the oldest trick in the book.
I also know that our head teacher is obsessed with all things fire, and if there’s one thing guaranteed to get her worked up, it will be the fire alarm going off.
The alarm screeches out as I pull the emergency handle and reverberates through the building with vigour.
Within seconds every building in the grounds is screaming too, and suddenly the corridor I’m standing in is converged on by hundreds of girls in pyjamas, all running for the exit.
I get caught up in the crowd and before I know what’s happening, we’re standing outside in the yard and everyone is filtering into lines.
It’s the middle of the night and it’s freezing, dark, and foggy.
“What’s going on?” I ask Caydi innocently.
“Fire drill.” She yawns.
“It wasn’t a—”
Every teacher is here now. Mr Burgrove is standing near us.
“Get into lines!” he yells. “Get into lines according to your floor. Keep track of your friends. Is there anyone missing? Tell me if you don’t see someone!”
Some other teachers are running around in a flap.
I look around for Anthony and see him standing in a line outside the boys’ dorm. I wave to him. He waves back but he still looks half-asleep.
He’s adorable.
Holy shit. They’ve got the whole school out. I thought it would just be our building, but the whole school is here.
Eliza Carbonell is striding across the playground, looking remarkably composed for this time of night.
“Is there anyone left inside?” she demands in a steely voice.
“We don’t know yet,” Mr Burgrove says.
Our resident advisor stands there too. “I don’t think so. Girls,” he yells louder than someone his age should be able to yell. “Is there anyone you don’t see?”
No one replies.
“I’m going in,” Mrs Carbonell says.
“Is that really a good—” Mr Burgrove doesn’t get a chance to finish that sentence before Eliza Carbonell has stalked off across the playground and into the dormitory we’ve just come out of.
Jesus.
I know the woman is obsessed by fire, but was all this really necessary? I thought it would just disrupt a few teachers, coming to see what had caused the alarm to go off. I didn’t realise it’d be a full-blown fire drill.
I mean, not that it matters. The more disruption the better, right?
Right?
I do feel a bit guilty looking at all these people, most of them standing around in little T-shirts or vest tops and shorts. It is cold here. Very cold.
“Do you think there’s a fire?” Caydi asks me. “Did you see anything?”
“How would I know?” I snap.
“Well, you were sneaking around in the…” She pauses as realisation dawns. “Oh Riley, you didn’t…”
I shrug and look at my feet.
“I didn’t know it was this big an operation,” I mutter.
“Ri… Do you know how serious she takes this stuff?”
I shrug again.
At that point, Eliza Carbonell strides out of the building, looking, you could say, rather pissed off. You could also say looking like she’s about to fry someone with one look.
“Everyone calm down,” she bellows to us as much as to the other teachers, some of whom are still running around like blue arse flies.
“There is no fire,” she booms. “It appears this was someone’s idea of a joke and I’d like to know who.”
“We thought it was a drill, Eliza,” Mr Bosenak from Ghost Laws class says quietly.
“Then can someone explain why the handle of the emergency alarm was pulled down?”
No one speaks.
Oh God.
This is the part where I should own up. This is the part where I’m supposed to do star jumps and shout, “Yes! I did it! Expel me!”
But I can’t.
I hadn’t realised how serious this would be.
This woman has serious issues with fire. She died in one, for God’s sake.
It’s something that you don’t play with here.
I get that now.
This is something the old me would do, not the new me who is trying to be better and not nasty to people.
God, I’m in so much trouble
if I get found out.
And Caydi knows.
She’s going to drop me in it.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. This is what I wanted. I wanted to cause enough trouble to get myself kicked out.
But the look in Eliza Carbonell’s eyes is beyond anger. It’s beyond mad. It’s beyond the sixty years ago that she died pulling a kid out of a fire.
“Maybe it was an accident,” Mr Bosenak says after a few more minutes of silence.
Everyone is quiet for a few minutes longer.
“Fine,” Eliza Carbonell eventually grinds out. “No harm done, I suppose. Everyone go back to bed.”
She stalks away to where she came from, straight past the line Caydi and I are standing in, and I swear that she casts me a knowing look as she passes us.
Oh crap.
“How come you didn’t say anything?” I hiss as Caydi and I walk back to our dorm room.
“Misguided as I may be, Riley,” she says, “I like you, and I do not want to see you get kicked out for something like this. This is a big thing in Mrs Carbonell’s life. You’ll end up going to hell for playing on her memories like that.”
“I know,” I sigh. “I didn’t realise it would be such a big deal.”
“Just get some sleep. If you’re determined to go ahead with this then we’ll have to think of something better. Something that won’t hurt anyone,” she adds pointedly.
“Great,” I say. “Thanks, Cay.”
I can’t help squeeing a little inwardly. Caydi likes me.
I may have a friend here after all.
Besides Anthony, of course.
CHAPTER 24
This afternoon is the meeting about the secret exit that Clare invited me to. I persuade Anthony to go with me. He’s being a bit quiet with me. I know he doesn’t agree with my idea of trying to get expelled, and to be honest, he doesn’t even seem that interested in finding the secret exit.
“Come on,” I say exasperatedly as we sneak around the back of the dormitories. It’s no easy task in the middle of the day when there are teachers and other students around, and Anthony is being really slow and lagging behind.
“I don’t see why you even want to go,” he says.
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