Kid Normal and the Rogue Heroes

by Greg James

  Presently, as the flashes of green through the clouds below them gave way to the cream-flecked grey of the ocean, Hilda spoke up. ‘Right then, Sir Jasper. So how, in fact, did you end up here? Please. My, er, lord.’

  Jasper looked back over his shoulder. ‘I was about to ask you the same question, you bunch of young hooligans!’ He pointed to a large screen in front of him, which was showing the same display as Murph’s HALO unit: their five mugshots and the instruction to ‘apprehend and detain’. ‘I might not be a Hero any more, but I still like to keep up to speed, you know.’ He looked a little sheepish. ‘Carl helped me fit this years ago. Then today it goes mad with activity. First Flora gets declared a Rogue Hero. Well, I know that’s got to be a load of old hogwash, so I climb into the old girl and fly over to see what the blazes is up. Next thing I know, your faces pop up on the old HALO screen as well. Then all these scary-looking Cleaner coves arrive in their black helicopter. And lo and behold, you come flying my way like a bunch of bally balloons. And now we’ve run away from the Alliance, I suppose we’re all Rogue Heroes together. Rather exciting, what? Although technically I’m not a Hero, of course,’ he added, almost to himself. ‘Not for a long time.’

  Squinting through the windscreen, Murph could just make out the white rows of wind turbines that he’d seen on his first visit, and beyond them a series of black dots that could only be Shivering Sands.

  ‘Best lose some height, get away from their radar,’ said Jasper calmly. ‘Do take a humbug, everyone! It’ll be a steep descent.’ He passed the brown paper bag back over his shoulder and they all took a sweet. ‘Right, down we go!’ he yelled, pushing forward on the control stick. Everyone’s stomach did a quick somersault as Gertie plunged towards the sea.

  As they got lower, the cabin began to shake.

  ‘Bit windy at this altitude, sorry!’ said the pilot.

  They were now frighteningly close to the wind turbines, their huge white blades spinning around at dizzying speed. The Super Zeroes looked at each other in alarm, all except for Nellie, who was staring fixedly out of the windscreen.

  As they approached, the sickening rocking motion lessened. To everyone’s amazement, they saw that the wind turbine blades were slowing, until they were finally turning around lazily in a gentle sea breeze.

  ‘Thank crikey for that,’ said Jasper, wiping his brow.

  ‘Actually, I think we should thank Nellie for that,’ corrected Mary, reaching out to give her a grateful squeeze on the knee. Nellie emitted a small noise, tugging Jasper’s right sleeve and pointing ahead.

  ‘Right you are,’ he agreed, pulling the stick to the right. ‘Thanks, Nell.’

  As they got closer, everyone strained their eyes out of the windscreen. ‘Look! Over there,’ said Murph, spotting the familiar bluish gleam of the Banshee. It was parked on a narrow platform on the edge of one of the towers. ‘We were right – they’re here.’ He didn’t know whether to be relieved that they’d found their friends or afraid of what might be happening to them inside the prison.

  ‘South landing platform, I see it. But something’s not right,’ said Jasper sharply. ‘It’s too quiet. Why’s nobody spotted us?’

  As Gertie flew closer to the tower, Murph saw that its landing lights were flashing. He could hear the faint hooting of a siren.

  ‘Something’s definitely going on,’ Murph agreed. ‘We’ve got to get in there.’

  ‘Roger and wilco,’ replied Jasper. He brought them in smoothly, pulling back on the control stick to land Gertie elegantly beside the Banshee.

  ‘Orf you pop, then, Heroes!’ he told them as the doors opened. ‘Time to get saving!’ The Zeroes all looked at him, open-mouthed.

  ‘You’re not coming?’ said Billy weakly.

  ‘Good crumbs, no!’ said Sir Jasper with a crooked smile. ‘You’ll be far faster without an old duffer like me getting in the way.’ He coughed in an embarrassed fashion. ‘This is a job for Heroes, not retired oldies. And besides, I need to keep an eye on the Banshee and Gertie. Not much point rescuing your friends if you don’t have a plan for getting away again, now, is there?’

  It sounded like he was keeping something back, and Murph suspected he knew what it was. For all his bluster, Sir Jasper didn’t seem to have the confidence to go into action without a Cape. But this wasn’t the time for a pep talk. As soon as their feet hit the metal floor of the platform, they realised they were in the middle of something extremely dramatic.

  As well as the strobing red lights, there was a loud klaxon going off every few seconds while a metallic voice recited the same words over and over again: EMERGENCY LOCKDOWN. EMERGENCY LOCKDOWN. EMERGENCY LOCKDOWN.

  ‘That is a VERY annoying noise,’ shouted Hilda over the very annoying noise.

  ‘I think that’s sort of the idea,’ said Murph.

  ‘Well, I think an emergency situation is stressful enough without having to go and make a really annoying noise all the way through it. It’s giving me a headache!’

  ‘Come on, maybe it’ll be quieter inside,’ said Murph unconvincingly.

  As yet they had no actual plan for getting into the prison, but as they reached the entrance door they realised they wouldn’t need one. The electronic pad beside the door was glowing an ominous green, with the words SECURITY SYSTEMS DISABLED visible. Murph touched it with a nervous finger, and the doors sprang open. That, he thought queasily, is definitely not the way high-security prisons are supposed to work.

  Something was very, very wrong.

  The scene inside Shivering Sands is probably best described as absolute chaos with whipped cream on top. When Murph was there with Miss Flint, the atmosphere had been quiet and business-like. Today it looked like someone had set fire to a cat and released it into a fireworks factory. (No cats were harmed during the writing of that last sentence.)

  The Zeroes were in a room that must have usually served as a dining hall, but today the tables and chairs had been knocked over, and there was food scattered crazily across every surface. Bill Burton would have had a seizure at the sight of it. Slumped against the wall not far away was an unconscious guard, his black uniform spattered with what looked like gobbets of cream and his face obscured with what could only be a custard pie.

  ‘What’s happened to him?’ whispered Billy.

  ‘OHHHHHHH! He’s just ALL PARTIED OUT!’ came a roaring voice from the doorway opposite him.

  Before he’d even looked in the direction the voice was coming from, Murph knew with a nasty certainty exactly what he was about to see. It was the massive, looming, bedraggled form of Party Animal, his eyes wide and staring. It was the first time Murph had caught more than a partial glimpse of the clown through his cell bars. Now, he had the full widescreen view, and it wasn’t pretty.

  Party Animal was huge and fat. He wore a frilly shirt with wide-striped trousers and gargantuan, clomping shoes. His enormous, chalk-white face wore an utterly demented expression underneath a shock of frizzy scarlet hair.

  ‘DO YOU GUYS LIKE TO PARTY TOO?’ the villain screamed at them.

  ‘To tell you the truth,’ said Murph, deciding to try a dash of honesty, ‘not really.’

  ‘I’m not great at parties either,’ agreed Mary.

  ‘Oh, you misunderstand me,’ roared Party Animal, ‘you don’t get to choose. It’s not your party, it’s mine. It’s my party and you’ll DIE if I want you to.’

  Having unleashed the full force of his favourite catchphrase, he proceeded to laugh maniacally for a full minute, which is even longer than it sounds. Then he stopped abruptly and stared at them in silence for another ten full seconds, which, if anything, was weirder.

  ‘… OK, so, we’re gonna shoot off,’ said Murph breezily. ‘Nice to see you again.’

  ‘Don’t leave,’ said the eight-foot clown, ‘I was about to give you some balloons. Would you like that?’

  ‘Erm,’ began Billy, swiftly realising that it’s very difficult to politely refuse the offer of a balloon.

&nb
sp; ‘NO! No, we wouldn’t! We hate balloons!’ squealed Mary, who had perceptively deciphered the ‘die’ part of the catchphrase, but it was too late.

  Party Animal had reached into his top pocket and pulled out a handful of bright red balloons. Holding one between finger and thumb, he blew it up with a single huge breath and then released it. It flew towards them making a piercing duck-like screech.

  ‘Duck!’ screamed Mary.

  ‘It does sound a bit like a duck, yes,’ mused Billy, before being pulled to the ground.

  The Zeroes dived to either side as the balloon flew between them and exploded against the wall behind, blowing a huge hole in the plaster.

  ‘NOW we’ve got ourselves a party!’ laughed Party Animal. ‘Another balloon, you say? Coming right up!’

  They all dashed for cover under a nearby lunch table, just in time to miss the clown’s next projectile. The balloon flew through the hatch into the kitchen next door. It must have landed in a pot of baked beans as it exploded, because a gentle autumn shower of warm bean juice suddenly rained down on the Zeroes. There was no time to worry about it though, or even grab a piece of toast. More balloons were already shrieking and banging their way around the room. Party Animal was turning on the spot and firing them in all directions, screeching with crazed laughter. As another balloon exploded within an inch of their hiding place, the Zeroes scattered.

  Murph and Mary dodged behind another table.

  ‘We’ve got to take this maniac down,’ said Murph desperately. ‘The only way to Magpie’s cell is through him.’

  ‘OK. Think,’ said Mary, half to herself. ‘What’s a clown’s weak point?’

  ‘Erm, unreliable cars?’ suggested Murph.

  ‘What?’ snapped Mary.

  ‘You know, clown cars?’ Murph replied. ‘The doors fall off them and stuff. Must be hard to get insurance.’

  ‘That is the least helpful answer ever given during a battle,’ Mary scolded him. ‘Now try again. What – that could help us beat Party Animal at this exact moment – is a clown’s weak point?’

  ‘SHOES! Their really big clumsy shoes,’ said Hilda from the other side of the table.

  ‘That’s it!’ said Murph. ‘Where’s Billy gone? BILLY!’

  ‘I’m in here,’ said a muffled voice. ‘I don’t like this party so I’ve gone in the kitchen.’

  Let’s just pause here briefly for a useful life lesson. If you’re the kind of person who isn’t a fan of parties, always head straight for the kitchen. It seems safer and more comfortable, somehow, and everyone else there will be feeling the same as you.

  But the kitchen Billy found himself in on this occasion wasn’t particularly safe, unfortunately. Just then a balloon flew in and struck a huge pot of custard, which exploded all over him. Billy’s ears inflated upwards in fright, making him look for a moment like that popular children’s character, the CUSTARD RABBIT.

  The CUSTARD RABBIT scampered from the kitchen and took shelter behind Murph’s table. Murph folded its ears down to avoid detection.

  ‘What did you say?’ asked the CUSTARD R– sorry, asked Billy.

  ‘The shoes,’ Murph instructed him, licking custard off his hand and nodding appreciatively. ‘They’re a clown’s weak point. Do the shoes.’

  Billy wiped a strip of custard off his eyes, thereby transforming himself into that other popular character, the CUSTARD NINJA, and threw himself out from behind the table. Party Animal’s shoes abruptly ballooned to several times their normal size, and given that their normal size was eight-foot-monster-clown size, that was very big indeed.

  Party Animal stopped rotating and tried to lift his legs, but he was stuck fast to the floor.

  ‘WHO’S TRYING TO SPOIL MY PARTY?’ he roared. ‘It’ll take more than that to stop the fun!’

  As well as sending out more balloons, he fired a web of brightly coloured streamers from his sleeves right at Billy, trapping him in a flamboyant cage.

  ‘Who’s next?’ he said, looking around the room while still stuck to the spot.

  ‘You are,’ said Billy. ‘I’ve just remembered that clowns have got another weakness.’

  Party Animal’s squeaky red nose started inflating. Not to double the size, or even triple, for that matter. Within seconds, he was just an enormous nose on legs. ‘Mmmnnnth brrrrth orrrth durrn flirrrm weeern!’ he roared, which was by far his worst catchphrase to date. Struggling to move on his hugely inflated feet, the weight of the nose caught him off balance and he suddenly pitched backwards to lie prone on the floor.

  ‘Party’s over,’ winked Billy, ripping his way out of the streamers and rejoining the other Zeroes.

  ‘So I guess you’ll be taking care of Party Animal from now on, Billy?’ said Hilda, emerging from her hiding place.

  ‘What do you mean?’ he said.

  ‘Well’ – she raised an eyebrow at the others – ‘it looks like you just got custardy!’

  There was a silence. Then another one.

  Eventually, Murph coughed nervously. ‘Anyway, on we go. We have to find Flora and Carl before it’s too late.’

  Leaving Hilda’s joke hanging in the air above the struggling clown like a cloud of unfunny gas, the Super Zeroes moved deeper into the prison.

  20

  A Bad Memory

  Down on Sub Level One, Flora was smiling gently.

  ‘This is the problem with you supervillains,’ she said to Magpie calmly. ‘You don’t have your priorities right. My power or my daughter? It’s the easiest choice I’ve ever had to make.’

  ‘You are the one with the wrong priorities,’ scoffed Magpie. ‘But only because you underestimate the true nature of power.’

  ‘What’s the use of a power unless you’ve got a reason to use it? Someone to protect? Something to fight for?’ asked Flora.

  Carl said nothing. He just squeezed Flora’s hand. He had tears in his eyes.

  The last Hero of the Golden Age raised her head, shut her eyes and held out her hands. ‘Go on, then!’ she said from the top of the steps, ready for Magpie’s purple lightning to envelop her. ‘Take it!’

  There was a long silence. Nothing happened.

  Finally, Magpie coughed apologetically. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry,’ he said, a thin smile painting his lips. ‘I forgot one tiny, insignificant detail. I won’t take your power while you’re way up there. First, you have to come down here. Inside the circle.’

  ‘WHAT!’ Carl bellowed. ‘But once you take Flora’s Cape from her … she won’t be able to get out again. She’ll be trapped down here forever!’

  Magpie’s smile grew into a sneering grin as his plan finally became clear. ‘Yes. You and your heroic friends locked me down here. And now, you’re about to take my place.’ His voice grew to a shout. ‘That, Blue Phantom, is the meaning of true power, not your sickly story-book nonsense! It means being able to do exactly what you like. It means having your enemy totally at your mercy. Now do as I demand. Or your daughter dies!’

  Up in the main prison, the Zeroes marched on. The flashing red emergency lights illuminated particles of smoke and dust from the chaos that surrounded them.

  ‘I always did hate clowns,’ said Billy, feeling his ears gingerly. They were slowly shrinking in size but still retained a slight rabbit-like pointiness.

  ‘Come on, let’s not worry about him now. We need to hop to it,’ said Murph. The subtle rabbit reference was lost on everyone except Mary, who managed a brief – and slightly world-weary – thumbs up.

  ‘You’ll make an excellent dad one day, you know, with jokes like that,’ she told him. Murph raised an eyebrow at her disapprovingly.

  The Zeroes were aiming for the lift to Sub Level One, but it wasn’t easy going. It seemed that every prisoner in the whole place had been released. Beside each cell they read the same message: SECURITY SYSTEMS DISABLED. Cells were empty or trashed; smashed furniture littered the corridors.

  Occasionally they saw a few figures running down passageways, frantically shouting t
o one another, but they seemed so preoccupied it wasn’t hard to avoid detection.

  The Zeroes ducked into a vacant cell as the clatter of more boots approached.

  ‘Corridor secure. Time to move! And where on earth is Flint?’ a Cleaner yelled as the group rushed past.

  As they disappeared out of sight, the five friends emerged into the smoky corridor. It was quiet: they could only just make out a distant banging and crashing from the floors above. They were suddenly very aware of their own footsteps echoing around the dingy passageway.

  Hilda clung on to Billy’s hand, which in turn frightened Billy, causing the hand to inflate and making Hilda scream.

  ‘Shhh! Guys, keep calm!’ said Murph. ‘The lift’s not much furth–’

  Mary put her hand up to his face to halt him mid-word.

  ‘What’s that noise?’ she whispered.

  They all stopped in their tracks and adopted the internationally recognised listening face: craning their necks forward a bit, furrowing their brows and squinting their eyes.

  They could hear urgent mumbling voices and an eerie squeaking coming closer.

  ‘Whatever it is, we face it,’ whispered Murph tensely. ‘The lift’s only round that next corner – we can’t turn back now. We’ve come too far.’

  From around the bend a tall silhouette emerged and came slowly towards them. It was pushing what seemed to be a hospital bed. The bed had one wonky wheel that gave off an irritating cheep, cheep, cheep as it rolled.

  ‘Not down here, you empty-headed nincompoop,’ came a raspy voice from the bed. ‘We’ve been this way three times already.’

  ‘Really, old chap? I don’t remember coming down here,’ replied the second figure, his voice calm and ponderous.

  The Zeroes stood their ground watchfully, looking at each other with growing puzzlement.

  ‘Oh, you don’t remember anything! About turn! About turn!’