by A. J. Downey
“What’s going on?” she asked.
“Nothing!”
“You suck at lying to me, Faith. Always have, and always will. You know I’m always two steps ahead of you, so spill.”
I didn’t speak; I didn’t know what to say. Finally Hope narrowed her dark eyes and asked, “Did he do something to you?”
“No!”
“Then where were you all last night?”
“We went for a ride.” I stared at my sister and her mouth thinned down into that hard assed line, “I’m serious, we went for a ride and we stopped and we were watching the stars and we fell asleep. I swear, that’s all.”
Her shoulders dropped and she sighed out, “Let me guess, you’re feeling like you’re fourteen…”
“And just like when you caught me making out with Ray Tanzer in the back seat of his Mustang.” I muttered dejectedly.
“But you’re not fourteen anymore.”
“No, I’m not.”
She sighed, “I’m sorry, Bubbles.”
“Me, too.” I said softly.
“What are you sorry for?” she asked, face scrunching in confusion.
“That I’m such a pain in your ass, and for doing the wrong thing like all the time, I really don’t mean to, Hope! I just…”
“You like him, huh?” she asked and there wasn’t anything hard or accusatory in her voice; just soft resignation.
I looked up from my feet where my gaze had affixed itself and felt a little nauseous at the look of pity on my sister’s face.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said softly, “No one is going to be interested in an ex-junkie whore.”
“Faith!” Hope barked sharply.
“Don’t ‘Faith’ me, Hope! Look, I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I just want to call Charity. She needs to know.” I stared my sister in the face and she wilted a little.
“Needs to know, what?”
“That I love her, and I miss her, and that I’m not okay but I’m going to try, really hard, to get better. I just want to have the time to do that before she comes down here. I don’t want her thinking that I don’t love and care about her, I don’t want you to think that either, I just have a lot to deal with and nobody can help me do it. I just have to do it on my own. Nobody can help me but me with a lot of this.”
“Sounds like you and Doctor Sheindland had a good talk today.”
“I have a lot to think about,” I agreed. Hope nodded and pulled me into a tight hug.
“Here for whatever you need, Bubs.”
“Thanks, Buttercup.” I sniffed, eyes welling hot and hugged my sister back.
She reached into her back pocket and dialed her phone, handing it to me.
“Hope, how’s Faith, does she want to talk to me yet?” my little sister answered by way of greeting.
“I never didn’t want to talk to you, Charity.” I said sniffing and sank into one of the chairs at the large dining room table, where Hope and I had ended up. Hope went into the kitchen and poured a glass of water from the tap and brought it over along with a paper towel.
Silence greeted me on the other end of the phone and finally a muffled sob came through, “Are you okay?” Charity asked and I breathed in deep through my nose and out through my mouth and did what the doctor had told me, I didn’t minimize it. I didn’t lie and say I was fine, I did what I was told and confronted what had happened to me, head on.
“No, I’m not. I’m really not, Baby Sis,” and then I took it one step further, I took a little piece of myself back from those bastards and gave it to my sisters. I looked at Hope, and I looked over, past the stairs at Marlin and Cutter coming through the door. I met Marlin’s sky blue eyes and told Charity, “But I’m going to be.”
Chapter 13
Marlin
She’d withdrawn some, after she’d got off the phone with her sister. She’d been quiet all through lunch and even when Cutter had pulled Hope away. She’d gone upstairs, equally silent and when she’d come back down, she was showered and in fresh clothes. I turned from loading up the dishwasher when I heard her soft tread behind me and had to stop and give her a once over.
She had on some short, cut-off denim shorts, which probably cost an arm to buy ‘em in their current condition rather than make ‘em herself out of a pair of jeans ready to give up the ghost. A swimsuit top peeked out over the nude, threadbare boat necked cover up she had on over it all. It hung longer in the back than it did the front and she swam in it, like it was her boyfriend’s sweater back in high school and she’d never given it up.
“You look good, Baby Girl.” I said, softly encouraging.
“Thanks.”
The silence stretched between us and finally she blurted out, “Can I go for a walk? On the beach… I think I’d like that.” She stood there looking so uncertain, like I’d tell her no, and that she had to stay in the house or something. It was probably going to take a while for her to get she wasn’t a prisoner. That one of us didn’t have to be with her at all times. I sighed.
“You don’t need my permission, Darlin’. You want some company? Is that why you’re askin’?”
She turned her upper body, and gazed out towards the water, finally giving in to one side of the war in her head and nodding mutely. I closed up the dishwasher and started it up, grabbing up a dish towel and wiping off my hands.
“Lead the way, Sweetheart.”
We trudged slowly through the powder fine sand in silence, towards the water at a pretty good clip. Once we reached it, she stopped and stared longingly out over it, like it held some kind of escape for her but she was trapped here on land. I knew that feeling, but I’d found, even with the boat and going out on it, there wasn’t no escape out there. The monsters don’t live under your bed; they live inside your head.
I kept silent on the matter; she didn’t need it right now. She hadn’t asked my fucking opinion. I stopped to roll up the cuffs of my jeans and work my way out of my boots, tying my laces together and slinging them over my shoulder with the socks stuffed in ‘em. Faith was up ahead by just a bit, and turned back to look at me, as if to make sure I wasn’t leaving. Her aquamarine eyes were vibrant against the backdrop of white sand and with the sun full on out like it was… damn. It was like she was some kind of angel or something. Beautifully broken, trapped here on earth. She stood silently and held back a hand, waiting for me to catch up.
I smiled and caught up to her, but was careful not to touch, no matter how bad I wanted to. Fuck all if I wanted to, so fuckin’ bad. Still, the girl was like fine art, and so fragile. It was my place to look, but not touch. Not yet, anyhow. Maybe someday, but definitely not today.
So you can imagine my surprise when she stopped abruptly and whirled and I crashed full on into her, my arms snapping up automatically to cradle her, to keep from doing any harm. She looked up at me, her breath catching and I was frozen, rooted to the spot and damn near slain by those bright, mystical eyes of hers, staring so deeply into my own.
“You okay, Baby Girl?” I asked and she blinked, once, slowly the wheels in her head turning at a furious pace. I went very still as she raised herself up onto her toes and leaned into me.
Her lips were silken fire where they brushed my own and I couldn’t help it. My eyes slipped shut, and I held myself, so very, very still, as she leaned further into me, lips pressing minutely against mine.
Supple and soft, her body fitted against my own and I let my hands slide forward, around her back, smoothing down around her waist, tugging her lightly into me, closer, a more intimate embrace. I knew I shouldn’t, I knew she wasn’t ready, I knew I wasn’t ready; but I couldn’t help myself.
I breathed her in, and the mix of her scent, along with the salty tang of ocean water was a heady mix. Her tongue flickered out and touched my bottom lip and I groaned. I wanted her so badly I ached, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let this happen, not right now, not so soon. I lifted my hands and softly cradled her face between them. I pecked her lips in a ch
aste kiss that tasted too much like goodbye for my liking and she lowered herself, sinking flat footed to the sand.
I opened my eyes and found hers, welling softly; a stricken look on her face. I smiled sadly and sighed out.
“I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have let that happen.” I murmured and she bowed her head, studiously not looking at me, suddenly finding the sand to be the most interesting thing in the world.
“It’s okay, I…”
“No, it’s not, Baby Girl. Sometimes it’s easy to forget what’s happened to you, I can’t do that to you.” I murmured. She flinched as if she’d been doused with cold water and turned; aquamarine eyes distant over the water that matched so beautifully.
She didn’t speak again. We quietly walked side by side and she wouldn’t look at me again, and I felt something like a falling sensation in the center of my chest.
“What was that for, anyways?” I asked a time later. She stared at me through her fractured innocence for a long, hard moment, before turning, her pace becoming brisk as she made her way back to the house we were nearing.
“Fuck,” I muttered under my breath, “Way to screw the fucking pooch, Jimmy.” I bowed my head and pulled on the back of my neck to loosen up some of the tension there and wondered how I would fix it before finally deciding there wasn’t anything I could fix. Time. Time was the only cure for what ailed her. Time and a whole lot of patience.
I kept her in my sights until she disappeared into the back slider, and pulled out a cigarette once she’d gone. I smoked, and finished the walk back, dropping my boots on the retaining wall ledge and planting my ass right next to them to finish my cig. I glanced up and saw her in the bedroom window looking down at me, but the second she saw me look up, she disappeared again.
Something wasn’t sitting right with me, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I didn’t have time to think about it either, ‘cause my phone was going off in my pocket. I fished it out.
“Aw, Christ,” I muttered before accepting the call.
“Yeah, Johnny, what’s up?”
“I was giving you the heads up; I’m taking the Scarlett Ann out tomorrow. I could use the help on this trip, I know you said three days or so, so if you can’t I can get a temporary hire, I just thought I’d offer it to you first.”
I glanced up to the empty window glass and decided I needed some familiar ground for a minute, and that Faith could probably use a break from me.
“What time?” I asked.
Chapter 14
Faith
I walked away. I felt so many things, but ultimately all I could do was walk away. My physical voice stolen from me by the one inside my head. Of course he wouldn’t want you. Junkie whore! Who in their right mind would want you after that? He’s just being nice to you out of guilt.
I was crushed under a mountain of self-derision and admittedly, a few broken hopes and maybe a shattered dream or two. I slipped up the stairs wraith-like and dejected heading straight to the bedroom I’d been staying in to sit on the bed.
What were you thinking!? I screamed silently at myself, locking it down, hiding it away, stuffing my hand in my mouth and doubling over as the tears rushed hot and fierce. How could you have been so stupid?
Helpless anger raged through me, and slipped through my fingers like rain. How could they have done this to me? How was I ever going to get past this? I breathed in deeply through my nose and held my breath before letting it out slowly, repeating the process over and over until I felt calmer and almost on the verge of sleep before rising to my feet.
I was so embarrassed, but there wasn’t anyone I could talk to. Hope would just berate me for sure, make it my fault. Just like she had with everything else; school, boys, the trouble I’d gotten in all through school… but all of that was your fault.
It was true. As much as I had always hated to admit it, it was all true, it was always true; it was all my fault.
I touched the leather and metal band around my wrist and swallowed hard, remembering the little ray of light in my otherwise darkened world.
“You deserve so much better than this, Star, and I am so sorry. I didn’t know, I didn’t know. Please, forgive me?”
It’d never happened, not once before, not a single time… Not once. The sincerity in his eyes, the anguish in his voice, it made everything so real, shocked me out of my high long enough to hold onto the stolen moment with both hands. He’d taken off his leather wrist cuff and had pressed it into my physical fingers.
I believed him when he’d told me he’d get me out; then the cops came. It had to be him; he couldn’t have known that they wouldn’t believe me. He’d tried and that was what mattered, because I knew what it felt like to try and fail over and over again.
I went to the window and spotted Marlin sitting on the edge of the short wall lining the back patio. He was smoking, head bowed, hair falling loose in front of his face from the short tail he’d tried to tame it into. He looked pensive, and I couldn’t help but sigh, my face flaming in further embarrassment.
He was gorgeous, and strong, and all of the things that I was not. I looked at my reflection in the glass and felt my heart drop. I was too thin; my bones standing out against my skin, stark and prominent and the haunted expression never seemed to leave my face. I refocused on Marlin and he looked up, squinting into the bright sunlight. I stepped back quickly, unwilling to meet his gaze.
Instead, I set about picking through the bags of forgotten clothes, putting them away. At one point I looked back to the bedside table and the little pink music player sitting there, charging. I guess it didn’t really mean anything after all. Something to keep me quiet, make things easier, the fact it made things easier for me was just a bonus, right?
I sank to sit cross legged on the floor and sniffed, scrubbing my face with my hands. I felt like there was a firestorm of bitter and unfair emotions swirling inside my heart and head. It was hard to breathe, like so much broken glass, shards of memory and the catastrophe that was my life flying in a cyclone, shredding me from the inside out until I lay huddled on the floor, weeping silently but uncontrollably.
God, was this going to be me for the rest of my life?
“Faith? Faith, Honey?” The door swung open and Hope sighed, lowering herself in a crouch beside me. I sobbed harder and my sister sighed. She didn’t say anything, instead she lay down behind me and pulled me back into her arms, her cast dug into my stomach but I didn’t care. Instead, I cave into the despair and cried the broken and sour parts of me out onto the bedroom floor until I felt purged. Hollow and empty, I let my big sister cuddle me like our mom used to do to us when we were little, until the sun sank low behind the horizon.
“This about Marlin?” she asked some time later as we sat on the bed and ate ice cream. Cutter had brought it upstairs, handed it over to my sister wordlessly and with a wink and a little salute had closed the door behind us. The cold, creamy, confection felt good against my raw throat and it was mint chocolate chip, my favorite.
“It was stupid, I was stupid.” I bit my lips together.
“No, it wasn’t,” Hope sighed and set her bowl aside. “He makes you feel safe, doesn’t he?” she asked. I nodded wordlessly.
“Okay, Bubbles. We don’t have to talk about it,” she said with a sigh.
“I’m so embarrassed,” I moaned.
“It’s not the end of the world, I know it feels that way, but it’s really not, I promise.”
I snorted, “Why couldn’t you have been like this when I was fourteen?” I asked.
“Like what?”
“Understanding.”
Hope’s expression changed and she looked out the window and sighed.
“Because I was stupid, and being unfair. I was still a kid myself when I started taking care of you guys, and let’s face it, I suck as a parent.”
I laughed a little and Hope laughed too.
“I didn’t want you to be my parent, mom was the parent and she died… I needed my sis
ter.” I couldn’t stop my eyes from welling and Hope sighed out defeated. She took my ice cream out of my hands and set it aside with hers and pulled me into a hug.
“I know, Bubs. I’m so sorry. I was hurting too and I didn’t know what to do, so I did what I thought was right. It turned out to be all wrong, didn’t it?”
I held tighter to my sister Hope, who had always seemed like a woman on a mission, a woman with a plan and now; now it was like she hadn’t had one at all.
“I’m sorry,” I warbled, suddenly soul crushingly guilty for having been such a pain in her fucking ass all this time.
“You were just being a kid, Faith. There’s nothing to be sorry about, if anybody it should be me who’s sorry for setting you up for failure. I pushed so hard, made it so you didn’t want to talk to me.”
It was true, “But that doesn’t mean I had to stop talking, that was my fault…” we dissolved into a puddle of mutual goo in the middle of the big bed.
“What are we going to do?” I asked.
“The only thing we can, Bubs. We’re going to keep going. Pick up the pieces, fit ‘em together and move on. It’s the only thing we can do, right?”
I nodded mutely. I wanted so desperately to prove myself to Hope, once and for all. That I could do this, that I could survive and still make something, anything, out of my life… I had to. Not just for my older sister, but for Charity, my younger sister, too.
I must have been babbling because Hope, smoothed a hand over my hair, “Forget me; forget Char, too. Do it for you, Baby. Do it for you.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I wasn’t worth it… I wasn’t worth any of it, and right then, not for the first time, I just wanted to die. I just wanted to give up and die. God, why didn’t you just let me die?
Chapter 15
Marlin
“Glad you called,” Cutter grunted and dropped down onto his couch. I didn’t bother moving my head from the back of the loveseat, just rolled my eyes in his direction.