by A. J. Downey
I closed my eyes and breathed deep to steady myself, which is when I realized I could smell him. I could smell him in the sheets and along my skin. A light perfume of peaches, smoke and alcohol.
“Not a dream, Faith. He’s real, it’s real, you’re safe,” I whispered to myself.
When I felt steady enough, I got out of the bed using the three steps at the foot and buried my toes into the carpet surrounding it which was thick and soft. I hugged myself, self-conscious about my state of dress, still being in my rumpled clothing, but I didn’t have anything else and I needed to pee – badly.
I sucked in a deep breath and opened the door and blinked in surprise. I was in a little area with two doors to either side. An expanse of living space was spread out in front of me, but I needed the bathroom so I ignored it for now, since it was empty. The door on my left was firmly shut, but the one on my right was the bathroom, so I slipped into it quickly and shut the door firmly behind me, flipping the little switch on the doorknob into the locked position.
I took care of my needs and spent more time than was required washing my hands and splashing cold water from the faucet on my face, scrubbing my fingers over it to rid my skin of the tight feeling. I’d been crying. It was a familiar sensation, but when I tried to remember why it was like the memories were an amorphous black cloud and would shimmer just out of my reach every time I tried to grasp them. I remembered having lunch with Cutter and Hope, I remembered riding behind Cutter to the beach, and Hope riding beside us, happy to be out of her cast.
I remember walking along the water line, and I remembered Marlin. I remembered Marlin singing Hope Never Dies to me and then nothing… just nothing. I dried my face with a nearby hand towel and worried my bottom lip between my teeth as I stared at myself in the mirror over the sink.
“What happened?” I asked the girl in the glass, but all she did was stare back at me, eyes too wide and startled in her pale face.
I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders, ghosting back over to the bathroom door. Another deep breath, I unlocked it and opened it up to an unfamiliar man standing it its frame. I let out a little startled shriek and jumped backwards in the small space, but I think I startled him just as much. He jumped too, and leapt back, his back crashing into the wall behind him.
“Jimmy!” He called out, “You better get down here!”
I folded back in on myself and cowered, I couldn’t help it; it was almost an ingrained response to being trapped in a corner with a large man looming in front of me. He stood just outside the bathroom door, his hand pressed to the center of his chest, which heaved with him being out of breath.
“Sorry,” he said, “You scared the shit out of me.”
I tried to speak, but all that came out was a forced whimper. He looked familiar, yet he was a stranger to me. His light brown hair with golden highlights was cut business short, and was a little bit off from the rest of his appearance which consisted of soft, light blue, broken in jeans faded to near white along the tops of his thighs, and a vintage looking medium blue cotton tee with a distressed darker blue image of a swordfish leaping out of the water. A hook was in the corner of the creature’s mouth and a fishing line leading back to the viewer that faded off into nothing.
“I’m not helping here, am I?” he asked and backed off a little further. When he moved I flinched and he sighed and swore softly and yelled out, “JIMMY!”
I sank down onto the closed lid of the toilet and bit my lips together. I didn’t know where I was, I didn’t know who he was and I didn’t know a Jimmy. Marlin appeared in the doorway a moment later and shoved the other man aside, “I got it, Johnny. Go take care of the customers,” he said.
I swallowed hard and the other man, Johnny, squeezed around Marlin and that’s when it clicked.
“He’s your brother,” I murmured.
“Yeah, that’s my dumbassed brother,” Marlin smiled.
“You wanna come out of there?” he asked and I unfolded myself and stood up. Marlin stepped back towards the living area and I exited the small bathroom.
“Where are we? Why can’t I remember?” I asked.
Marlin sighed, “What’s the last thing you do remember?”
I stared at him and licked suddenly dry lips, “I didn’t know you could play – or sing,” I said finally.
He smiled, “It’s a hobby, and that song? Only for you.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?”
I shook my head back and forth and covered my face with my hands, breathing in and out slowly. Marlin sighed and I felt his fingers close around my wrist. I jerked my face out of my hands just in time for him to jerk me in against his chest. His arms went around me and his breath was warm in my hair, but all I could do was stand there stiff as a board.
“I’m so confused…” I moaned.
“Why? Talk to me, Baby Girl. I’m right here, and it’s high time we did talk about it.”
“Talk about what?”
“Let’s start with why you lied to me, hmm?” His voice held no accusation and no reproach. It did, however, hold hurt which was rich, considering…
I tried to shove away from him but he was firm, and didn’t let go.
“There’s no running away from this one, Faith. I’m not going to let you go without an answer on this. I’m sorry I have to push, Baby Girl, but I need an answer. I need to understand why you did what you did last night.”
“I don’t even know what I did last night!” I half wailed, my eyes filling with tears, my heart surging in my chest and crowding my throat.
“Why’d you lie to me, Faith?”
“About what?” I demanded, the anger coming in a hot flood.
“About me. Tellin’ me your shrink told you to stay away from me or some shit.”
I froze, like a rabbit in a trap, I looked up at him slowly and the expression on his face was stony, but clearly hurt.
“I…”
“Don’t lie to me now, Baby Girl. You do, and it’ll be the last you see of me.”
“I was giving you an easy out.”
His brow furrowed down and he looked downright tempestuous, “It’s time you showed me a little trust, you explain to me what you mean by that. I think I’ve more than earned it at this point.”
I shoved away from him violently and he let me go this time, the tears rose hot and fierce and it all just boiled over.
“An easy out! Away from me! So you didn’t have to pretend anymore,” I raged.
“Pretend what?” he demanded.
“That you liked me. I get it, Marlin. I do, okay? I’m a junkie fucking whore. Sold for a few bucks a fuck. I’m disgusting, okay? Okay?”
He stood there, stunned, mouth hanging open, and I drove the knife in the last few inches, “I’m just your project to ease your guilt over your brother! You can’t even stand to touch me!”
He put his hand over his mouth, like he was trying to stop himself from saying anything, but I could see the fractured ache in his bright blue eyes. He was stunned, speechless, and I felt hollow and empty. It had felt good to get it out, to get it off my chest but now I felt ugly and exposed. I was standing in front of him raw, and emotionally, as naked as the day I was born and waiting for him to finish what I’d started. I was waiting for him to tear me down the rest of the way.
He pulled his hand down, wiping his mouth, the stubble of the growth on his face rasping in the ringing silence left by my confession.
“Jesus-fucking-Christ, Baby Girl. Is that really what you think?” he asked and his voice was breathy and incredulous with stunned disbelief.
I nodded, mute and dismayed… I’d broken it between us; I could see it all over his face. There was no coming back from this, no way possible. It was all I was ever good at, breaking things. Breaking the people that I loved the most. Destroying them and how they viewed me until there just wasn’t anything left to care about with disappointment after disappointment.
“Stop,” he ordered
sharply and I looked up. “Don’t do that, Faith. Stop it, you’re hurting yourself. Just, stop.”
He strode forward and pulled me against him, crushing me against his chest, his fingers tangled in my hair, holding it back from my face and he pressed his lips to my forehead. My eyes drifted shut and I let myself take it in, knowing it was likely the last time he would ever…
“I’ve been trying so hard not to touch you when all I’ve wanted… Fuck. You have it all wrong, Baby Girl. You’re all I think about. You’re all I want. I just don’t think you’re ready for that, do you? I mean… Christ, I really fucked it up this time didn’t I?”
I laughed and felt as if I were going mad, I felt my arms go around him and I held just as tightly to him as he did to me. We stood there in silence while the tears stained his tee and the water lapped at the hull, the boat we were on bobbing around, voices filtered down to us and I sniffed, changing the subject.
“Where are we?”
Marlin sighed, “Don’t think this conversation is over, Baby Girl, but I gotta get back up there. We’re on my boat, the Scarlett Ann; I’ve got customers up on deck. Hope is on board too, I’ll have her bring you down the clothes she brought and when you’re ready, you can join us up on deck. Okay?”
I nodded against his chest, “I guess it has to be,” I said.
“That’s my girl.” He kissed my forehead one more time and let me go reluctantly.
“Stay here.”
He turned me loose back into the bedroom and went back out toward the living room. He left the door open behind him, which I was grateful for. I didn’t much like closed doors anymore. I went back up the steps and sat on the end of the bed, feeling lighter than I had in a long time, but at the same time, harboring that shadow of ugliness deep down inside. It was like I had purged and the foul little creature, the monster inside my head, needed time to recharge now.
I wondered if I would carry it forever. Probably, knowing my luck, which made me wonder, why in the world would Marlin want me?
I didn’t know. Maybe he wouldn’t now; we still needed to talk… I guess there wasn’t anything I could do about it one way or another. I would just have to wait and see.
Chapter 21
Marlin
“You’re up,” I said to Hope and she got up off the lounger on the bow of my boat.
“You look pissed,” she observed.
“Yeah, well, I honestly can’t really tell at this point.”
“Tell what?”
“Who I’m pissed at, her or me.”
Hope smiled and knocked me in the shoulder lightly, “Welcome to my world of the last twenty-seven years,” she said and I frowned.
“I don’t get it; I thought you took over as ‘mom’ when she was nine.”
Hope snorted, “Please, our mom was never really a mom. She was too busy trying to be our best friend. I didn’t take over officially until I was eighteen, but I’d been doing it from the day mom turned up pregnant with Faith.” She sighed and it was a heavy, thing.
“So, what I’m feelin’?”
“Yeah, welcome to what it’s like to be a parent.”
“That’s not creepy at all,” I muttered.
“Fine, I’ll rephrase, ‘welcome to what it feels like to be responsible for another human being.’”
I looked at Hope, long and hard, the wheels turning in my head. Maybe that was the problem. There was taking care of someone then there was taking responsibility over some one… Faith needed the first, sure, but she was a big fuckin’ girl…
“You’re thinking awfully hard,” Hope stated sardonically.
I nodded, “Yeah, talk about it later. Right now, she needs a change of clothes and to stop hiding.”
Hope looked me over, carefully considering, “This conversation isn’t over, is it?”
“Not by a long shot, now I’ve got two of those and customers waiting. Johnny will make three if I keep delaying. He’s gotta take a leak.”
“Say no more.”
Hope went down below decks and I went around to the stern where my brother and our two customers were chatting.
“Sorry, Johnny. Go ahead.” I said and Johnny nodded, giving me a look full of weight.
“No problem, be right back.”
He went through the door and down the steps, disappearing into my living quarters. I heard him and Hope exchange a hello and doors open and shut and the rest was quiet. This wasn’t the most ideal situation, but then again, it never was, was it?
I sighed and plucked my sunglasses off the table I’d left them on and put ‘em on my face. Our two customers were a couple of guys in their fifties and teachers from some high school up north. They’d left their wives back in town and had come out to indulge whatever bromance they had going on, having been buddies for however many years.
I checked their lines and made small talk with them, did my job, but I kept getting distracted, letting my gaze stray from the water and my customers to the stairs leading down into my home, waiting for that pretty blonde head of hair to appear. No such luck, it was my asshole brother who showed back up first.
“Thanks, Man,” he grunted and took over as the social one, although these two weren’t bad as far as some of the dudes I had standing on my deck. They’d at least fished before, although fly fishing on a river and deep sea fishing like we were now, were worlds apart as far as fishing went.
Johnny came back up and slapped me on the back of the shoulder, giving me a meaningful look that I couldn’t readily identify its meaning before diving back in with the clients. I turned back when Faith appeared in a long, airy skirt and white tank top. The outfit suited her; modest but cool for the soaring temperatures out here. Hope came up behind her and gave me a dirty look followed immediately with a considering one.
“You girls want to head up to the foredeck?” I asked. It was going to be crowded back here otherwise and if one of the guys –
“Fish on!” one of them cried, and I bowed my head. Of course, why wouldn’t they catch something at the precise fucking time she got up here? All I wanted to do was check with her, and nope, no, no and no. Motherfucker.
I went up to the grinning fool who’s rod was bending under the strain of whatever was on the other end. Damn, he got a big one.
“Hope, Faith, gonna need you girls to head up to the front of the boat for your safety please,” Johnny told them and nodding, Faith caught my eye, uncertainty radiating out from those aquamarine jewels.
“Go on, I’ll be up when I can. Soak up some sun and try to relax,” I grunted, while helping the dude with the fish on his line into the fighting chair. I could feel the tension in the rod, the dude was putting up a fight and his muscles trembled with exertion already. Still, he seemed determined and if the line didn’t break, or if the fish didn’t slip the hook, he had a good chance of getting it in so long as it didn’t turn into a day long fight.
God I sincerely hoped it didn’t.
Chapter 22
Faith
I was surprised that Hope wasn’t angry with me, at least not about last night. She seemed fairly disappointed in me where Marlin was concerned but instead of one of her classic long lectures on responsibility and how to better behave to her standards, she simply sighed, hugged me, and told me I was on my own to sort it out.
That instilled a whole new kind of hurt and anxiety that I couldn’t quite define. It was like she’d finally given up on me, yet she was still here, lounging in the sun beside me holding my hand. I felt crippled, debilitated, and lost worse than I ever had in captivity. I almost longed for someone to tell me what to do because it was so familiar. I needed familiarity… or did I?
I’d accused Marlin of acting like a crutch as my excuse to set myself apart from him and wow had that backfired on me. I’d hurt him; badly… as was evidenced by his inability to even look at me right now. Every time he had to come up here, to the front of his boat, he would only address Hope, and would try to pointedly ignore me. Of course, it wasn�
��t like I could speak to him, so embarrassed was I about how I’d treated him. I hadn’t meant it that way, sure, but that was the way it’d come across and as Hope had always told me growing up – that was what mattered. That people wouldn’t always remember what you said, or what you did, but they would always and forever remember how it was you made them feel and I could see plain as day, I made everyone I came in contact with feel awful, despite my best intentions.
I huddled in on myself and stared out over the water, losing myself in the glint of the sun off its surface while the joyful shouts of the men behind us blurred into so much white noise. I had a lot to think about, and Hope pretty much left me to it. Finally, with a sigh, she put down her book and jiggled my hand.
“Lay it on me, Bubbles. What’s going on up there?”
I startled as if coming awake and looked into my sister’s sad, deep brown eyes, “I screw everything up Hope. I don’t mean to, but I do. It’s like everything I touch becomes poisoned and crumbles into so much ash.”
Her face crumbled at that and I scrubbed my face with my hands, “See! That’s exactly what I mean.”
“Oh, Baby, you’re just hurting is all. You’ve been through a lot and we’re all still here, we just don’t know what to do or how to help you.”
“I don’t think there is any helping me,” I said dully.
My sister sighed and looked about as helpless as to what to say as I’d ever seen her. She finally licked her lips and sat up, facing me.
“I’ve lectured you, come down on you like a ton of bricks and have just generally been this overbearing parent figure your whole life. I was hard on you because I wanted better for you; better for you and Char both,” she bowed her head and shook it, taking a deep breath, “Charity took to the discipline like I did. Like a fish to water, but you? You’re a free spirit like mom and all I was doing was driving a wedge. I can’t take that back, I don’t know how to fix it… Then you were gone and all I could do was work my ass off to get you back so I could have the chance.”
She looked me up and down, searching my face, “You’re still you in there, Faith. I believe that, and I don’t want to mess up again. I don’t know how to do this.”