“I don’t know, Monk,” I answer honestly. “But what I do know is that Daddy will fight to stay with us. He knows we’re waiting for him to get through this. You can do your part by continuing to do well in school and to keep as normal a routine as possible. Make him proud of you by being strong. Daddy loves you so much, he tells me that every single day.”
Eddie nods his head and I can tell that he’s processing everything we’ve talked about. “I’m too sad to go to school.” His tears are still coming down, seemingly harder as the time passes.
I hand him a Kleenex, which he takes from me and carelessly swipes his face with. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I really think that you’ll be sadder if you sit around here with me all day. Auntie Evie’s driver will pick you up after school so you and Maddy can stay at her house, where all your cousins are.”
“You’re right, Mommy. But when can I come back to see Daddy?”
“As soon as I know what’s happening, I promise to send for you and Maddy.”
“Okay. When he wakes up?”
“Yes, as soon as he opens his eyes.” I reach over to wipe the rest of his tears with a napkin. “I love you, Monkey. We will be okay.” I certainly didn’t mean what I just said. Nothing about what happened gives me the right to even use those words in the same sentence.
I walk Eddie back out to the car with the promise of texting him and calling the school with updates. As the car drives up to the entrance, I make sure that he’s settled in the back seat before reaching across him and clicking the seatbelt in place. I haven’t done that since he was much younger. Somehow, I just had to see him strapped into the seat before allowing the car to pull away. I wave goodbye and look down at myself. I’m wearing the same t-shirt and jeans that I wore when I came last night. My eyes are swollen and red, my hair is a tangled mess, and I’m wearing sunglasses to hide the dead look in my eyes. My lids hurt from the bright glare of the sun. How dare it come out now, after allowing the dark to envelope my life?
Seconds later, a flash of light goes off out of the corner of my right eye, and then another from the left, and yet another. I realize that photographers are outside the hospital, which means that reporters will soon be following suit. People are coming up to me and I find myself shaking hands with strangers. I’m so disoriented, my head is spinning, and my eyes are to the brink with tears. I’m Alice, sliding down the rabbit hole; falling, slipping, fading fast. Until a pair of big, strong arms take me and a warm and calming force folds itself around my body, leading me inside through the automatic doors. I don’t recognize who it is until we’re standing face to face in the lobby. I don’t say anything, but I do step in and allow him to hold me. He feels safe and familiar but I don’t dwell on it for too long. All my energies are focused on trying to stop the torrent of tears that have ambushed me.
“It’s going to be okay,” he says confidently as his mouth leans on my head.
His hold on me is tight, my chest pressed against him. I realize this and immediately pull back.
“I have to go,” I whisper. “Thank you for getting me out of there.”
He dips his head in acknowledgment and walks away.
I’m glad I don’t have the time to think about what just happened. His touch comforted me and helped to throw me back into the circumstances of the day. I take the phone out of my pocket and call Penny at the office. We spend a few minutes discussing next steps and I give her instructions about calling Corporate Affairs to control the clamor for information on Alex’s condition. I’m sure his brother, Anthony, is all over this, so calling Penny is more for personal reasons than anything. I want to make sure that the children are secure and protected, so I ask for more security guards at the house.
I’ve made it clear to everyone that I won’t be returning home until Alex returns with me. Penny is arranging to rent a hospital room on the same floor just so I can take showers and get dressed without having to leave his side. Maddy will come every day and I will spend time with her in the room—Emmy has been instructed to bring her videos and toys so she can be occupied while remaining close to her father.
I’m anxious to get back to Alex, so I tell her that I have to go and inform her that no phones are allowed in the ICU. She promises to stop by the hospital early this evening for paperwork that Alex has left unsigned.
He’s in the same condition now as when I left him this morning to spend time with Eddie. The room is quiet except for the sick sucking sound that the respirator makes and the silent beep of the heart monitor hoisted next to his bed. The cot that was laid out for me last night has remained untouched. We really didn’t need this suite. It would have been just the same if we were in a smaller room, since the chair next to his bed is the only place I’ll allow myself to be.
It’s almost four o’clock in the afternoon by the time Dale comes into the room for an update. I stand up nervously as he approaches the bed to check on Alex. He has interns and nurses following right behind him, and he’s speaking in medical terms and asking questions; how does he manage to make speaking about someone else’s life sound so technical? I watch his face for any telltale expressions, but he doesn’t let me in on anything. Once he’s done, he motions for me to walk outside the room with him.
“Things are looking good, Isa. He’s stable and the swelling in his brain has gone down. I think we can help him come out of it tomorrow.”
I gasp as I bring my hand to my mouth and start to cry.
“He did suffer what we call an incomplete spinal injury. The part of the spine responsible for the movement of his lower extremities was compressed and traumatized during the accident. He’ll be subject to paralysis of the lower body, and we won’t know the exact extent of the damage until he’s awake. The good news is that with the proper rehabilitative methods, he will get better. He might not recover the full use of his legs, but it’s up to him to work hard at exploring how much of this he can reverse. I went to school with Alex, and I know how driven and purposeful he is, so I have every confidence that he’ll make the best of this.” He offers me a half-hearted smile and gives my hand a quick squeeze. “He will be in a lot of pain, though, both physically and emotionally, when he wakes up. He will be angry and confused and his pride will get the best of him. I’m putting him in touch with a counselor for the duration of his rehab. In the meantime, I want you to accept the fact that Alex will be in a wheelchair for what may end up being a number of years. Make arrangements to get the house ready for that. Kylene, my wife, knows of a contractor who can get your house set up to accommodate his needs.”
I didn’t hear past the fact that I still have him here with me. Dale continues to speak and I try my best to focus.
“The Aileys have requested a meeting this evening at eight. I will have all of the medical specialists who will be involved in Alex’s treatment there to present options for care going forward. From now until then, please get some rest so you can begin to think clearly. I also think I’m going to prescribe you some Valium to help you relax a little bit.”
I shake my head at his suggestion. “No, Dale, thank you. I promise I’ll get some rest. I want to be focused on him, I don’t want to waste my time living in a fog. He’s taken care of me even before he had me and now it’s my turn to be here with him every step of the way.”
His face breaks into a warm smile. “I remember those days in college when he would call you from the States just to hear your voice. At first, he tried so hard to get over you and then all of a sudden, he changed from giving you up to flying back home to pursue you. Remember how much he loves you when things seem to become hopeless, because there will definitely be difficult days ahead.”
“Thank you, Dale. For everything. You are such a blessing to our family.” I extend my arm out to shake his hand but he pulls me in for a hug.
“You’re not alone, Isabel. We’ll help you to get through this. But you need to take care of yourself too. Alex will need you.”
This is exactl
y why I haven’t told anyone about my condition. I don’t need to be fussed over and worried about when all of our focus needs to be on my husband.
Evie and Ali arrive a few minutes later with a suitcase of clothes and toiletries for me and I couldn’t be happier to see them. They envelope me in their arms and for just a moment, I give in to my tears.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go home for a few hours, Isa?” Evie asks. “We can stay and take care of things here while you get some rest.”
We walk to the visitor’s lounge, located within earshot of Alex’s room, so we can talk. The rooms in the ICU are enclosed in glass, so I’m comforted by the fact that I can keep an eye on him while seated a few yards away with my sisters. I explain Dr. McKinley’s news to them and they listen intently, their faces expressionless. I know they’re trying their best not to react.
“How are the children?” I ask anxiously. “Are they at your house now, Evie?”
“They were in the pool when we left. Pauline is over too; Betty and Leigh are finishing up at the office before heading over to meet us. We ordered some dinner to be served during the meeting with the doctors.”
I nod my head and then it hits me. I’m in the intensive care wing of a hospital and we’re all going to meet to discuss the future of my husband. The future of my life. “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.”
I dash out but don’t quite make it before I get sick all over myself and the floor. Evie and Ali rush over to me just as the nurse asks an orderly to mop up the mess.
“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened,” I sob, tears falling down my face as I wipe spit and bile off my mouth. I’m an embarrassment.
“Isa, Isa, it’s okay. Let’s go to the washroom and clean up.” Ali helps me off the ground and leads me into the bathroom.
“I’d like to take a shower,” I say feebly.
“Yes. Yes. Good idea,” Evie replies. “We even have your clothes!”
The room I’ve asked for won’t be available until we know where Alex will be moved to, which means that I’ll have to take a shower in one of the open patient bathrooms. I can see the dismay on Ali’s face as she leads me inside to undress.
“Here, wear this.” She takes a pair of flip flops out of the bag and hands them to me. “They’re Tory Burch. I’m sure they can withstand a little water.”
I smile weakly at her humor. Ali doesn’t leave me alone in the bathroom. She stands guard right outside the shower door, waiting patiently to retrieve me as soon as I’m done. I’m feeling dizzy and unstable, so I lean on her as she wraps my body in a towel. By the time I’m dressed, the meeting is about to take place. Leigh and Betty arrive and we walk together to the conference room, which is located on a different floor.
I know that we’re receiving special treatment at this hospital because my great-grandfather has a wing in his name dedicated to cancer research and Alex’s parents are on the Board of Directors. As we make our way to the meeting, I think about how no connection, no amount of money can give me back what I have lost. Fate and circumstance—there’s no turning them back once the wheels of life have been set in motion. Nothing you do can change the direction of your destiny. You can influence your future by revising your goals and adjusting your purpose, but you can’t change what is meant to be. We are powerless to fight it; all we do is sustain it. We live for the moments of happiness and joy that are both fleeting and irretrievable. This is why I’m filled with gratitude that Alex is alive. That he’s still with me. In whatever shape or form, I can deal with life’s challenges for as long as he’s in it.
I’m filled with hope as we all take a seat around the long conference table to discuss our options and weigh all our prospects. They ask me to sit at the head of the table. I feel small and insecure, but I know that everything we talk about this evening will rest upon my decision as his wife. I glance around the table and see the people that I love: Evie, Ali, Betty, Leigh, Anthony, my in-laws. Across from us are the people that I will learn to love: Dale McKinley and his team of surgeons, three middle-aged gentlemen whose names I don’t even hear, and a beautiful woman to Dale’s left, Dr. McCabe. Amanda McCabe is vaguely familiar-looking, with long brown hair and sparkling green eyes. She’s going to be helping with Alex’s recovery as his psychiatrist.
Dale McKinley starts out by detailing everything that he told me this morning. I watch as Alex’s mother leans wearily on her husband and cries. I’m numb to this information by now, so I sit calmly at the table and stare into space. I tune in just as I’m being addressed.
“So, Isabel, once Alex comes out of the coma, we will keep him in the ICU for a few more days to ensure that he is stable enough to move to a regular room in the hospital.”
“I understand.”
“The key to his recovery will be what happens when he is home rehabilitating. There will be physical therapists visiting your home every day. It will be his choice to determine how intense these sessions will be and how he wants to manage them. At the same time, Dr. McCabe here will monitor his emotional and psychological well-being on a daily basis. He will be on anti-depressants for a while, and will be weaned off eventually.” Dale clasps his hands together, leaning forward on the table. The other doctors are nodding their heads and copiously taking notes. “Isa, I want to address this now before we proceed. I know that it might feel awkward for you given the previous—” he pauses and clears his throat, “the previous relationship between Alex and Dr. McCabe, but she is the best in the field. And it won’t hurt that they’re old friends. How do you feel about this?”
That’s it! That’s why she looks familiar. That’s why Alex’s mother is scowling at her like that. Dr. McCabe, Amanda McCabe, is Alex’s ex, the girl he almost married. The girl who filled Alex’s nights when he couldn’t have me twelve years ago. I rise out of my daze as the memory registers in my mind. I can’t even begin to process her being here, in this hospital, at this table, never mind as Alex’s psychiatrist.
Before I answer, Alex’s mom pipes in. “No offense to you, Amanda, but Dale, I would rather we find someone else to treat my son.”
Amanda nods her head at Dale and starts to speak. “I too, had reservations about taking this case on given my connection with Alex. But as Dale says, I’m the best and most qualified to deal with post traumatic psychological rehabilitation. Alex and I never shared what he has with Isabel and what happened between us was more a friendship than anything else for him. I have long since then come to terms with that. My only intention in coming back into his life is to be able to help my old friend.”
“Thank you, Amanda,” I respond. “Mom, I love you and am so thankful that you are looking out for me. But we need to do what’s best for Alex. If this is what Dale recommends, then there’s no harm in trying it.”
There’s a knock on the door as hospital staff wheels in a cart full of food, plates, glasses and utensils. We have as relaxed a dinner together as we can manage while discussing more of Alex’s prognosis. Although Dale tries his best to remain noncommittal, the gleam in his eyes is all I need to give me hope that everything is going to work out.
***
“You are the person who has to decide whether you’ll do it or toss it aside, you are the person who makes up your mind whether you’ll lead or you’ll linger behind.”
—Edgar A. Guest
The doctors have weaned Alex off his medication and we’re all hoping and praying that he opens his eyes soon. I get very worried when he doesn’t do so the next day, but Dale says it simply means that his body isn’t ready. I don’t leave his side and I keep the children with me for as long as I can just so they are the first thing Alex sees when he finally opens his eyes. Nothing happens the next day or the next. We’ve been in the ICU for a week now and I’m worried that it’s not going to work out the way we thought it would. I’m still living out of a suitcase and sleeping in the armchair next to his bed.
It’s two in the morning and the floor is still and eerily qui
et. The nurse’s station is manned by one male nurse and visiting hours have long since ended. I’m sitting next to Alex, caressing his left hand and with my head on the edge of his bed. I’m not feeling well again and resting this way helps with the nausea that rises each time I lean my head back. I’m just drifting off to sleep when I feel a slight twitch in his fingers. I fall asleep debating whether or not that movement was merely imagined. Minutes later, I’m shaken from my dream by someone slowly and softly stroking my hair. My head jerks upwards in surprise and my gaze is met by a sea of blue so vivid and clear, I want to drown in it and never come up for air. My love. He’s back.
“Hi,” he croaks feebly. It is by far the sweetest sound I have ever heard.
“Hi! Oh, Hi!” I lean over excitedly and kiss him, his forehead, his nose, each cheek, his lips, pressing the call button at the same time.
The nurse scrambles in and I ask him to call Dr. McKinley, then rest my lips in the crook of Alex’s neck. He doesn’t feel like Alex, doesn’t smell like him, but I can stay in this moment forever.
“Please don’t cry. I’m sorry,” he whispers.
My tears are flowing; I am faint with relief. “No, no, no. Don’t be sorry. Thank you. Thank you for coming back. I love you.”
“I love you too.” He cringes as he tries to slide himself upwards on the bed. I see that he can’t move his lower body.
The nurse comes back with the doctor on call. “Welcome back, Mr. Ailey. Dr. McKinley is on his way. In the meantime, Dr. Roche is here to check on you, make sure you’re okay.”
I step away and allow them full access to my husband. As they focus their attention on Alex, I sneak a few texts to Leigh and Alex’s parents. I don’t feel the need to get my sisters up during the middle of the night for this. There will be time for that tomorrow. Right now, I’m hoping Dale gets here soon to speak to Alex about his legs. Alex’s parents arrive before Dale does and I leave the room to give them time with their son. Only one person is allowed with the patient at a time, so I take the opportunity to make my way to the hospital chapel to offer my gratitude to the One who gave me back my life.
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