“How have you been, Isabel? How are the children coping with all this?”
It kills me to see her pained expression. “I’m fine, Mo—Mrs. Ailey. The children seem to be doing well with the visitation arrangement that we have. It’s all a part of their routine now. And it really helps that Alex is active in Eddie’s school life.”
“Isabel, you can always call me Mom. You will always be my daughter no matter what.”
“Thank you.” I fidget with my glass, tracing circles around and around its base.
“Alex is doing really well with his therapy,” she continues. “His physical state is progressing very well. Did you know that he has a new psychiatrist?”
I’m surprised to hear this. Eddie used to tell me that Amanda was over at the house quite often during the week. Though, come to think of it, I haven’t heard about her in a while. “Oh? Is everything okay? Does he no longer need to speak to one?”
“One day, Alex just told Dale that he needed a change. That’s all I know.” She waves her hands as she shrugs her shoulders. “He’s seeing Dr. Pressler.”
“My Dr. Pressler? Why?”
“She seems to be a calming figure for him. I think he knew that she really helped you when you were younger.”
I am suddenly distracted by a figure in a wheelchair quickly approaching the dining room. His mother sees the expression of surprise on my face and turns around to reprimand him.
“Isabel.”
Hearing my name spring from his lips is enough to cause my heart to suffer a relapse.
“Alex!” his mother cries. “What are you doing here? We weren’t expecting you today.” She sounds flustered as she looks at me apologetically, her eyes darting back and forth between us.
“Tony told me she would be here. I need to speak to her.”
“Alex. This is not the time nor the place for this. I promised Isabel we would catch up without having to rehash what you have already put her through.” Her voice is raised and authoritative as she flaps her arms angrily. Her eyes are looking straight at him, challenging him to hear her every word. “Enough is enough!”
“That’s okay, Mrs. A—Mom,” I say. “I need to speak to him too.” Our eyes are locked together, his stare infiltrating through every single pore in my body. I feel myself weakening, breaking, giving in to the need to reach out for him.
She takes a deep breath and lets out a defeated sigh. “Alex, the children are running around the house, so you need to find somewhere private if Isa is willing to speak with you. Why don’t you meet her in the study? Give us a few minutes and she’ll see you there shortly.”
He turns around and wheels himself down the hallway. As I get up to walk towards the door, she moves quickly to catch me in her arms before releasing me to him. “I’ll be around if you need me,” she whispers. “You didn’t deserve anything that he did to you, Isabel. I know I’m his mother and he’s my son and I love him so very much, but I know the difference between right and wrong. What he did was wrong, and you need to stand your ground with him.”
I nod my head, too preoccupied to say anything. I don’t trust myself, my feelings for him are still here. I trudge towards the study with armor around my heart. I shut the door behind me and find him sitting in his wheelchair adjacent to the large couch that leans against a bookshelf.
“Would you mind reaching over behind my chair to lock the wheels?” he asks quietly. “I’d like to sit on the couch, if it’s okay.”
“Sure,” I say as I move close to him and reach for the parking brake.
He closes his eyes and keeps his head near enough to brush against my neck. He deftly uses his arms to lift himself and I see that his right leg is now strong enough to support his weight. He shuffles over to sit down and I take the seat on the other side of couch.
“I’m getting better,” he says to me. His eyes are sad but his smile is still as beautiful as ever.
“I’m so glad, Alex.”
“You never return my calls.” His tone is flat. There’s no emotion.
“There’s nothing for me to say.” We’re speaking in hushed tones and I’m overwrought with sadness. This is what we have come to.
“You’re still so beautiful. I miss you so much.”
I keep my eyes frozen to the floor and instinctively cover my right wrist.
“I want to tell you that I’m sorry. For everything. Especially for Sophie.” A solitary tear falls down his face and I eventually match it with one of my own.
“I won’t talk about her. Not yet. I can’t.” My heart is breaking all over again. I can feel the pain slicing me in half and my eyes are so filled with tears, I can’t even see his face. I want to. I look up because I want to see his face, but my eyes won’t let me.
“I love you. I always have. I thought it would be better for you if I sent you away. I didn’t believe I would get better. But look now, I’m working so hard for you.” He is crying now. He lifts up his arms and stretches them towards me, asking me to come closer.
What I would give to have his arms around me, to hear his sweet voice comforting me, assuring me that that I’m safe, to know that he will always be here to protect me from this inscrutable life of nothingness.
But I don’t move.
“Say something, please, Isa. Yell at me, scream at me. Show me that your heart still knows me, that it still lives.”
“I lost my soul because of you, Alex, and I don’t know how to get it back.”
The pain of my words shakes him up and visibly sears him. He cries even more; his shoulders shaking and his face distorted in torment. “Please forgive me. I’m begging you.”
“You sent me back to him. You gave me away. How can I ever forgive you?”
“There’s no one but you. There never will be. I’m dead without you, can’t you see that?”
“You had me, Alex. I loved you so much that it killed me. It killed me when you decided to die on me. I’m no longer yours. You don’t have me anymore. I wish...I wish I could get lost in your eyes like I used to before. I want them to take me home. I want them to take me back to where I was when I was with you. But I don’t see anything. I can’t see anything. Why did you blind me, Alex? Why?”
My chest heaves violently as I utter those words. This is it. It’s true. I no longer belong to him. I no longer belong to anybody. I have to accept that now. I muster all my strength to stand up from my seat. I turn my back on him, walk out of the door, and will myself to never look back.
***
“Love to faults is always blind, always is to joy inclined. Lawless, winged and unconfined, and breaks all chains from every mind.”
—William Shakespeare
One month after I saw Alex, he left for the States to continue his treatment. He is scheduled to undergo regenerative surgery for the damaged nerves in his leg and will be recovering and seeking psychiatric help at the Mayo Clinic. Since Eddie is still in school, he won’t be able to visit his father until his summer break in March. Both Eddie and Maddy have weekly Skype sessions with him. Sometimes I pop in to wave and say hi or to talk about the children. He tells me that he loves me and that he’ll wait for me no matter how long it takes. He knows I’m seeing Jesse. And that I saw Lucas. To what extent, I don’t think he truly wants to acknowledge it. I’m stronger these days. For one, I no longer use Sophie as a crutch for my misfortune. I still visit her every week, but they’re happy visits and always with either my sisters or the kids. I’m halfway through my second book and my mother’s company has undergone two acquisitions in the past two months—a huge feat for us and victory for her legacy.
One night, as I happen to peek into Eddie’s room to find him on Skype with his father, I overhear the tail end of their conversation. Maddy is running around, tossing video game jackets as she weaves in and out of his toy bins. She’s like a machine on that carpet. One minute she’s holding on to the bed and walking, the next minute she’s speed crawling through his room.
“And you should’v
e seen the engine, Ed. Clean, precise. Very sleek.” Alex’s voice is lively and strong.
“Cool, Dad! Are we gonna get one of those when you’re better?” He adores his father. I do too.
“Oh, you know it!” Alex laughs.
There is a silent pause as Eddie grabs Maddy and playfully throws her on the bed, where she waves and waves at her Daddy before rolling around in the blankets.
“Is Mommy there? I’d like to say hi.” Alex brings his head close to the camera, a wide smile on his face.
I’m in between the door and the wall. Silently, I shake my head and put my fingers to my lips.
“No, Dad, she went out for a while.”
The obvious look of disappointment on Alex’s face is disheartening and I can tell from Eddie’s blush and downcast eyes that he regrets covering up for me.
“Oh. Do you know where she went?” His head is tilted downwards. The look of the downtrodden.
“Probably with Aunt Evie,” Eddie says cheerfully, trying to change his dad’s mood.
“Ju! Ju!” Maddy shrieks as she rolls around Eddie’s bed.
I don’t know if Alex knows that she’s referring to Jesse but I don’t wait to see his reaction to her words.
Jesse and I have been seeing each other a few times each week. Most of the time, we hang out with the children at my apartment, watching television and eating takeout dinner. He’s taken me out on dates a few times but I make it clear to him that we are not going to be getting physical. We kiss sometimes, like teenagers hiding from their parents in a dark corner. Most of the time it’s because I am so thankful to him for always being there for me. Once in a while, it’s truly because I think I’m in love with him.
Things only get more confusing one night when Maddy and I are baking cupcakes. She’s sitting on the kitchen counter playing with a tiny rolling pin while Jesse leans against its edge to prevent her from falling off. We’re playing the Wiggles DVD on the kitchen television and singing along. I catch Jesse’s eye and shrug my shoulders as we hear a light knock on the front door. We really aren’t expecting company, so I hesitate slightly before grabbing a kitchen towel to wipe my hands off before pulling on the knob. I am surprised by Lucas, who walks straight up to me and enfolds me in his arms. At first, we’re hidden by the door, but as he lifts me up and slides me past the barrier, he sees Jesse, who is standing to the side holding Maddy close to him. I quickly push Lucas away and step back.
“Lucas, what are you doing here?”
He looks at me and then at Jesse. All three of us immediately cast our eyes on the floor, all caught between surprise and awkward discomfort.
“Martinez,” Jesse mutters under his breath.
“Cain, what are you doing here?” He doesn’t let go of me but instead pulls me even more tightly to him.
“I should be asking you that,” Jesse retorts as he calls for Emmy and hands Maddy over to her.
“Isa, I need to speak with you. Can we go somewhere to talk?” Lucas is still holding me and Jesse is still hovering. Neither of them are going anywhere.
“Jess, let me just speak with Lucas for a minute, okay? We’ll be right back.”
The apartment is small and there really isn’t anywhere else to go except to my bedroom. The children are home and Jesse has moved to stand in the middle of the living room, waiting for things to unfold. I lead Lucas to a public sitting area outside of our apartment.
“What are you doing here, Luke? I thought we agreed to move on two weeks ago.” I motion for him to take a seat while I settle myself on the chair right next to him.
“I can’t, Isa. I can’t just walk away.” He looks at me solemnly, his eyes pleading, then takes my hands and brings them to his lips.
“I’m sorry, but I’m not ready for anything right now,” I say under my breath.
“Are you seeing Jesse Cain?”
“No, Jesse’s just a good friend. I’m trying to work things out on my own. I thought I told you that,” I respond rather impatiently.
“Is it because of how we started out? Because it doesn’t have to be that way. I don’t feel right about the way we ended things. I just want to make sure that you’re okay. If you give me the chance to show you, I think we could start over again.”
“Oh, Lucas. You hardly know me; don’t waste your time on me. I have a long way to go before I figure myself out. I have nothing to offer you.”
“But I want to know you. Can we try? Can we start over? I think I found it, Isa.”
“Found what?”
“Love. I think I’ve found it.”
I think deeply about my next response. I want to love you. I don’t know why I can’t. “I’m planning to take a little break, maybe go away with the children for a few months,” I finally say. “How about we give it some time until I get back? I promise to keep in touch.” I don’t wait for him to answer. I stand up and lead him towards the elevator. “Thank you for everything, Lucas. You helped me to find myself during a really horrible time in my life. I’ll never forget you.”
He opens his mouth to say something, but I don’t give him the chance to do so. I lean in and give him a hug. And then I walk away.
I return to the apartment to find Jesse sitting in the living room. The television is off and he’s fiddling around with his phone. He lays it on the table and opens up his arms, motioning for me to sit on his lap. I do as I’m asked. I feel so safe and protected with him.
“Where are the children?” I ask, looking around to find them.
“Emmy just put Maddy to bed and Eddie is doing Algebra with Alex on Skype. What the hell was that, Isa? I thought you broke it off?”
“I did. He didn’t quite agree with it.”
“What’s going on with him? Do you still want to see him?” He automatically takes my hand and rubs his thumbs on the scar on my wrist. I have physical reminders of him on my neck and ankles as well.
“He’s a good guy, Jesse. I pushed him to do what we did. I was sick and twisted with pain. I wanted to punish myself because of my guilt.”
“Oh, Iss.” He moves his face close to mine and touches my lips with his. “I was here for you. You could have confided in me about it. You can still talk to me now. Tell me.”
“There’s nothing to tell. I can’t even begin to explain why I wanted to hurt myself. The day after I saw Alex at his parents’ home was when I just snapped out of it. I realized that if I didn’t forgive myself, I would never be able to forgive Alex. And I think I have. Forgiven Alex, that is. Once he gets back from the States, I intend to ask him for permission to take the children abroad with me. Maybe to Spain or to Paris. I know that he’ll let me. I know he’s anxious to grant me the happiness that I’m so desperately looking for.”
“So you’ve forgiven him?”
“Yes.”
“What’s going on with him and Amanda?”
“Nothing. I found out that the reason he let go of Amanda is because she confessed her feelings about him one day during his counseling session. He told Evie, who told me, that he was disgusted and felt betrayed by her motives. I don’t blame her,” I say with a sigh. “Alex is easy to love. I really thought I had convinced him of this when we were still together.”
I can feel him tense up. He wrinkles his brows and looks at me with dark, narrowed eyes. “Why is it that I’m always fighting for you, Iss? When will it be my turn? When will you try to love ME?”
“But I do love you. You’ve been so good to me.”
“You have hot sex with Martinez. And then you have a friendship with me. How is that not fucked, Iss?”
“I don’t want to ruin what you have with Rose unless it overpowers us enough to fight for it. I’m not there yet, Jess. Alex still lives in here.” I point to my chest as I take hold of my heart firmly and freely.
“Then why are you even with Martinez?” he asks obstinately. I know he’s trying to understand why I’ve brought another player into this already convoluted situation.
“Correction.
I was with Lucas. I’m not anymore. Lucas isn’t you. He isn’t Alex either. I didn’t seek him out, he found me. And I was desperate to have someone who wasn’t a part of my past. I still haven’t called Betty or Leigh. I’m still trying to find my way around the new life that’s right in front of me; being reminded of what once was is still too painful.”
“I really thought that you would end up falling for him. He’s young and exciting and maybe somewhat of a good diversion for you,” he says, quite tongue in cheek.
I laugh. “He’s not that much younger than us!” I contemplate his words for a bit and turn serious once again. “The one thing that I learned during my short time with Lucas is that I can’t run away from the pain. I can’t mask it with drugs or sex, because in the end, no one can repair the damage but me. And denying it only prolongs my recovery.”
I’m never going to be normal. I may recover from this but I will never be the same.
He processes this for a minute, but by then his opportunity to reply has passed. I move away from his lap and sit with my head on his shoulder, turning on the nightly news. We’ve talked about Rose often in the past few days. Sometimes, she’ll call him on the phone and he’ll stop whatever we’re doing to take her call. There are also times when he needs to go to her to console her about their relationship or a stressful day at work. I encourage him to prioritize her. It amuses me to think that we’re indirectly working on their relationship as we try to figure ours out. I’m constantly asking him to move back in with her and tonight’s no different.
“Jess, when are you going to move back in with Rose? She won’t be waiting for you forever. Have you guys discussed it lately?”
“She’s angry with me for leaving her, but in the same breath she says that she’ll wait until I figure things out.”
“Do you know how lucky you are that she’s willing to do that?”
He ignores my question and continues on. “She knows that you and I haven’t done anything and that we’re more just friends for now.”
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