“We’ve changed so much, haven’t we? What do we really have in common these days?” I reach out hand to brush his face. My thumb lightly skims the skin of his cheek and he holds my hand in place with his. He briefly glances at my wrists and looks at me sadly.
“Twelve years is a lot to get back in a few months. We need time to rediscover each other. I understand that you need time to heal.”
I smile at him. “You’ve been such a good friend to me, and I’ll always be thankful to you, but we don’t have time to start over again and I don’t really know if things will ever go back to the way they were before.” I bring his hand to my lips and kiss it. “I won’t allow you to lose your chance with Rose.”
“Can we try to be more than friends?” He leans closer to me. He’s asked to stay the night before, and tonight I’m worried that I might not be able to refuse him.
I laugh in his face and he feigns hurt feelings. “Sorry, you can’t do that when Eddie and Maddy are in the next room.”
“Good point. How about we plan a weekend away this Friday?” He puts his arm around me and I hide in the crook of his shoulder.
“Okay.”
There’s a pregnant pause as he furrows his brows and narrows his eyes at me in the Jesse gesture of astonishment and disbelief. “Woah! Seriously? You’re okay with it?”
“Yes, I am. I’m done with skirting around these issues. And I don’t want Rose to wait any longer. If it’s us, you need to cut ties with her. If it isn’t us, you need to sweep her off her feet and marry her. Deal?”
“Deal. It all sounds so scientific, though. You’re taking the romance out of it.”
I laugh out loud at the accuracy of his statement. “Sorry, I’m a little jaded right now.”
***
“The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough.”
—Rabindranath Tagore
We handle the subject of going away for the weekend very tactfully with the children. Ali will concoct an event and invite Eddie and Maddy so I can sneak away for a weekend with Jesse. It works out perfectly and soon we’re sitting in Jesse’s Range Rover on our way to a resort high up in the mountains. He’s fearless now, holding my hand and inching his fingers up my thigh. I let him. I feel for him, I just can’t define what it is. Yet. We arrive at the hotel and it takes us some time to check in. I don’t mind it. We have all weekend to figure things out.
We stop by the restaurant for dinner and he teases me about stalling the inevitable. I tell him that I’m starving and he tells me that he is too, but adds that it’s for something else. His words make me nervous, and I try to convince myself that I will fall for him as soon as I feel that first touch. That I can love him as much as I did so very long ago.
I call the kids to say goodnight right after dinner, knowing that I won’t be able to avoid what happens next any longer. I want this. I want him. He knows me. He loves me. Jesse leads me through the hallway of the suite and into our bedroom. I try to remember him, I really do, but nothing comes to mind.
When we get to the bed, I scoot myself up and sit up against the headboard. Slowly, he walks towards me and crawls up on the covers until his face is directly above mine. He is completely and utterly beautiful. I’ve forgotten how full and sensuous his lips are; they can swallow me completely. He leans over and kisses me, little pecks on my lips first, then he parts my mouth with his. I open willingly and soon we are sucking on each other’s tongues and falling into the perfect rhythm of our kisses from long, long ago. His hands start to touch me all over and he pulls away to look at me as he slowly unbuttons my blouse.
“You’re lovelier now than I remember.” He reaches behind me to unhook my bra, touching my breasts with both hands and unhurriedly brushing over them with his lips.
I let out a moan and hold his head down, ruffling my fingers through his hair. It’s coming to me slowly; my heart begins to rise from its slumber. He brings his lips to my stomach and then stops to unbutton my jeans. I help him pull them down until I’m left in only my lace underwear. He traces his finger along my C-section scar and I am suddenly feeling very conscious of myself.
“Your body hasn’t changed,” he murmurs. “This is the only difference, this line. Otherwise, you look the same.” He brings his lips to my stomach and licks the scar from end to end.
He pauses to tear his shirt off himself and I trace my fingers over the ridges of his shoulders and the hard lines on his chest. I reach out for him, hard and straining against his shorts. I unhook them, pull his zipper down and take him out with my hand. “Please,” I moan, “I want you inside me.”
He wastes no time in slipping my panties off and spreading my legs. For a few seconds, he stares at me disbelievingly. He scoots back up and kisses me hungrily. “I never thought I would ever see you like this again.” His lips move down my neck; he kisses each breast and slowly licks his way down to my core. “You taste even better than before.” He holds my hands down as I try to lead him back up to me. “No, not yet,” he murmurs against my skin. He goes slowly, tentatively, the way we memorized each other the last time we were truly together.
When he’s ready, he slinks his way back up towards my face and gently holds my head in place with his hands next to my ears. “Look at me, Issy,” he whispers as I move my lips up to meet his. One strong thrust and he is inside me.
“Jess!” I moan.
“Stop thinking, Iss. Let go. We both have to let go of everything. I’m inside you, feel me moving inside you. It’s me, Issy. The one who’s loved you for so long. Me.”
“Yes, Jess, you,” I pant, my mouth buried in the sweet ridge of his neck. “Thank you for loving me.”
I get lost in the physical closeness of our contact, but only for a moment. We just don’t fit together very well. He has overshot my head because of his height, and I close my eyes and imagine Alex. Alex fits me just perfectly. His body molds into mine without any effort.
He spreads my legs and hooks my knees on top of his arms while he moves in and out, his eyes staring right at me, his two hands holding my breasts. I’m starting to remember. He’s thick and hard and stretching me to the core. He’s also gentler, slower and much less intense. Ultimately, the feelings I have are no longer indescribable. Years ago, I had clung to these moments without thought, without reason. They defined who I was. Tonight, being with Jesse—this—reminds me of who I no longer am.
“Come with me, Iss, I’m there!”
I am taken aback by the intensity of his orgasm. I let out a whimper as he delivers that one last push that pierces through me and causes him to convulse in my arms. I don’t come despite his demand. He doesn’t say a word, but just releases my legs and slumps down on me, his breath ragged and his heart beating wildly against my chest.
He stays inside me for a few minutes before rolling off so I can lean my head on his shoulder. I feel hollow when he pulls out. I want to cry when it dawns on me that this physical emptiness comes secondary to the void in my heart that he’s going to leave behind. He holds me earnestly amidst the quiet hush of our breathing, and as I lay in his arms, I decide that I’m going to tell him how I feel tomorrow. We can never be more than just friends.
“What are you thinking?” he whispers as he strokes my hair and wraps his legs around mine. His legs are well-built and heavy and hairier than Alex’s. I can clearly discern the differences between their bodies and I’m left with a craving for the one who isn’t here.
Now that he’s this close, things keep coming back to me. His gray eyes no longer hold a tortured look, in fact, they’re smiling. His face, his hair, his floppy ears are just as I remember. The young boy I loved has turned into a man. An adoring, devoted man who has given his heart to someone else. Someone who will cherish it wholeheartedly and give him the unconditional love that he deserves.
“How lucky I am to have you in my life. I love you.”
He pauses before he answers. “Love you too.”
By the time I open my eyes t
he next morning, Jesse is sitting in silence on the sofa that faces away from our bed. I observe him for a few minutes as he sits stationary, his hands to his sides, seemingly staring at the picture-less television in front of him. He has covered himself modestly with a t-shirt and boxer shorts.
“Jess?” I croak as I sit up, wrapping the blanket across my body.
“Hi,” he whispers, standing up and walking back towards the bed. He climbs back under the covers and leans on my shoulder. “I have something planned for us today. Do you think we can get ready in an hour? We have to be up on the roof by then.”
“The roof?” Before he can answer me, I realize what he means. “Oh. Yes, okay.” I smile warmly and bend down to kiss his head. “Are you okay, Jess? You look so sad.”
He looks up at me and gapes into my eyes but doesn’t say a word. I bring my lips to his and kiss him. I kiss him with all the love I have for him, past and present. I wrap my arms around him, longing for the warmth that our memories have always brought me. This morning, it’s just not there. I wished I wasn’t thinking of Alex so much, but he’s consumed every minute of my every day. I never believed that a heart could be divided into two parts. Everyone gets a choice. It needs to be one or the other. Never both.
Jesse’s mouth springs into action and he takes over the kisses that I began. They’re wild and frenzied and his hands are on my body, trailing down between my legs. His fingers don’t get intrusive. Not yet. They lightly trace my stomach, my thighs. He pulls the blanket down, off me, following up every touch point with his eyes. He is so loving, so gentle, so kind to me, that it makes me want to cry.
“One more,” he whispers, but his tone makes it sound like a plea. He spreads my legs roughly and sinks his head down on me. Into me. His movements are desperate, like he’s trying to make sure that he drinks everything he can from me before he says goodbye.
We’re going to say goodbye.
“Jess,” I moan as I gently hold his head by his ears and pull him back up towards me. “The deeper we sink into this, the more difficult it will be for us to return to the surface.” I kiss him intensely, tasting myself on him, taking myself back from him.
He nods his head sadly and releases his hold on me. “Let’s get going and we can talk when we get there.”
“Perfect,” I say. “Good morning, by the way.”
He chuckles at me as we both scoot off the opposite sides of the bed and walk towards the bathroom. “Too bad you didn’t give me a chance to show you how great I am at wake up calls.”
Forty-five minutes later, we’re on the helipad waiting as Jesse’s helicopter rounds the corner to meet us. He ushers me towards it and helps me step in before hoisting himself on the seat next to me. He hands me some headphones as I crinkle my eyes fondly at him and hold his hand.
“I’ll never get used to flying in these things,” I admit, squeezing his hand tightly.
“It’s only a fifteen minute cruise in the air. Just wait and see.” He motions to the pilot to begin our ascent to what closely resembles the top of the world.
The whir of the propeller is loud, but our headphones allow us to speak to each other. We’re busy talking about the clouds and the sky and he’s pointing various landmarks to me from our view point above the mountains. The helicopter starts descending towards a dormant volcano with a lake inside of it. It is absolutely the most stunning natural phenomenon I have ever seen. This has to be one of the Seven Wonders of the World. Transparent blue water so clear that you can see every single fish swimming in it. The pristine water, untouched by pollution, has allowed life to flourish inside the crater. Freshwater fish of all different sizes skim effortlessly across the surface of the water. I get a little anxious as the helicopter descends downwards inside the volcano, but it rests on a ledge that allows me to relax a little bit more now that we’re on solid ground. The loud rush of the propeller stops as we prepare to disembark.
“Oh my gosh, Jess! This is beautiful!”
“Remember, years ago, we stayed at that beach house and talked about one day taking a trip to see what was inside this crater?”
“I do! And here we are!”
He picks up a basket from the cargo bin and lines up a blanket with some wine glasses, a bottle of wine and some appetizers. I laugh when I see that he has included some pancakes and sausages from McDonalds.
“Your breakfast, just in case,” he says with a smile.
We sit down on the ledge overlooking the dramatically picturesque view. God, in his Infinite Glory, has given me today to realize how much there is to live for. His works, His goodness. It never should have been about me. It will be about Eddie and Maddy and the memory of Sophie.
I will not force love, it will come to me.
“Jess! Did you see those fish? Are they gourami?”
He laughs and takes my hand. “Yes! They are. They’re huge, though. Bigger than the ones we had, do you still remember that?”
“I remember, those were our little babies in high school. The kissing gourami.” Pink, silvery scaled fish whose lips are joined together in a permanent pucker. We bought them from a sidewalk vendor one day after school on the way to his house.
We beam at each other and reach out for our glasses of wine. For a while, we sit in relaxed silence, watching the views, absorbing the moment.
“Jess?”
“Hmmm?”
“It’s not us, is it?” These words feel like a slap to my heart as soon as they leave my lips.
“No, I guess not.”
“Did you feel that way too? Last night?”
“I did, Iss. I can’t explain it.”
“Why did you want to do this, if you already knew?” My voice is unsteady; I’m afraid that he’s going to say that he did it just for me.
“I didn’t know for sure. Until I saw it in your eyes. And the moment that I did, it confirmed my true feelings.”
“Why do you love her?”
He stretches his legs out and motions for me to put my head on his lap. I do. “She’s funny and sexy and alive. She brings so much laughter and excitement into our relationship. With her, I no longer feel the need for control. In fact, I delight in giving it up.”
“Now it makes sense why you didn’t really stop me from seeing Lucas. You were trying to figure things out yourself.” The sudden realization provides me with solace.
“Yeah. The old me would’ve have torn down that door and whisked you away before anything could have ever happened with him.” His admission is lighthearted and jovial and we both know it’s the truth.
I nod my head, because I understand it fully. He was so stuck in the past that he disregarded what his heart was trying to tell him. He had moved on. “I’m so happy for you, Jesse.”
“Do you still love him?” He returns my statement with this question.
“It’s always been only him.”
“You still have him, you know. Give it time. He regrets everything that he’s done.”
“I don’t want him to regret. I want him to get better so he can move on and be happy. It hurts to accept that I wasn’t enough for him. Just like I wasn’t enough for you.”
“No, Issy. I’ve spent twenty years of my life loving you. You were always enough. I took you for granted and lost sight of what we had. When I lost you, I lost my focus. My sole purpose was to get you back and I lost so much time. I should have realized that you chose him because you wanted to. Because you belong to him.”
“I don’t know if I can belong to him again, Jess, especially with you and Lucas and everything that’s happened. I have to find myself first. Does that make sense?”
“It does. And I know you’ll do the right thing. You’re so strong, Isa. You don’t need anyone else to tell you what to do. You’ll get there; it will all fall into place.”
“I don’t need anyone like I used to need you?” I laugh as I sit up and face him.
“Pretty much. I still like being needed. Rose needs me, but I need her just as much.�
�
“I love hearing you talk about this, Jess. You finally found her. You’ve found your heart.”
“I have.” He smiles as he speaks and a look of realization suddenly crosses his face. “Hey, I almost forgot,” he adds as he reaches into the picnic basket and pulls out a square box, about half the size of a shoebox. “Here’s what’s left of what we used to have.”
He hands me the box; I slowly twist the metal clamp that holds the lid together and pop it open. In it are pictures and cards and the stainless steel Tag Heuer watch that I gave him for our fifth anniversary.
“Oh, wow! I can’t believe you kept all these.” My eyes prickle with tears as I pull the contents of the box out one by one. There are four pictures, one of them me in a bathing suit. The others are images of us as a couple, smiling into the camera. They must have been taken by Ryan. I take the one of him carrying me along the shore of the beach and I laugh as I bring it closer to my face. “Yikes! How embarrassing! You had to carry me every time we went into the water!”
“Are you still afraid of your feet touching the bottom of the ocean?”
“No. Alex got me used to wearing water shoes. He’s a big diver as you know, so I needed to get over my fear.”
Alex did more than that. He showed me how to live.
We sit in silence for a few minutes and stare down into the crater. I interrupt his thoughts when I blurt out the obvious. “Jess, those pictures. They’re not who we are anymore.”
He turns towards me and nods his head in agreement. “I know.”
“I can’t think of a better place to say goodbye to them,” I suggest, offering us a way out of the past. I know we’re both dying to take it.
“Let’s do it!” he answers without hesitation.
“Wait! Except for the Tag. Let me give that to Emmy. Her husband could use a new watch. Would that be okay?”
“Absolutely.”
As if we shared the same thought, we both take the box and leaf through its contents for one last time. I lean my head on his shoulder as we do, and we both wait until it feels right.
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