His Wounded Light

by Christine Brae

  “Ready?” I ask him, still leaning against his chest. I can feel him taking a deep breath.

  “Ready,” he responds, his voice firm and steady.

  I love that he sounds so resolute and certain. This is it. Step one.

  We reach our arms out and let go of the box. Slowly, it descends down hundreds of feet towards the bright blue water. Halfway through its fall, the box opens up and the pieces of paper flitter out and cascade down like tiny butterflies in a field of flowers. We are lost in the solitude of our thoughts and I know that this gives us both the reprieve we’ve been endlessly seeking. We’ve been rummaging through the broken pieces of our past to sever the link that’s kept us together. Twelve years ago, he let me go. Today, he releases himself from the confines of his wounds.

  We’re embracing the future without each other. We feel free.

  “Jess?”

  “Hmmm.”

  “Don’t get mad.”

  “I won’t.”

  “I thought of Alex while we were doing it,” I confess shyly.

  “Oh my God! Me too! I mean, not Alex. Rose!” Unlike me, he blurts this out openly, almost like he’s relieved to be getting it off his chest.

  “Get out!” I squeak. “Really?” The lightness of our conversation reminds me of the childhood we shared together. I think I understand it now. That part of our life is over; we’ve grown up to become completely different people and there’s no way we can go back.

  For a moment, he stares off into nothing and hangs his head. He props himself up on his elbow and looks into my eyes, holds my face softly, and kisses me.

  “We’re over each other,” I say sadly.

  “I think we are.” He rests his forehead on mine and continues to cradle me in his hands.

  “You’ve been a great friend to me through all this.” I touch his beautiful face, running my hands over his cheeks in an effort to memorize the feel of his skin. He welcomes my touch and closes his eyes. “I’m so lucky that you graced my life with your love. I will never forget you.”

  “No looking back, right?” He traces his finger down the bridge of my nose.

  “No looking back.” I smile and reciprocate by taking his hand and leaning it against my cheek.

  “I will always love you, Isa. You know that, don’t you?”

  “Yes I do. And I will always love you.”

  “As a friend,” we both say in unison.

  “Jinx!” I yell and punch him on the shoulder.

  His face turns serious again and his eyes start to water. We are both caught up in the emotion of it all. He tries to smile but blinking his eyes causes his tears to fall. “You’re leaving me for the third time,” he finally murmurs.

  I swipe my thumb across his cheeks and wipe his tears. I cry silently, but to me, they’re happy, pacified tears. “No, we’re moving on from each other, Jess. For the final time.”

  “Would you mind if we went home tonight so I can speak to Rose?” he asks, still holding my hand.

  “No, not at all. Let’s finish this spread and get going.” I kneel down in front of him and wrap my arms around his neck. “Jess?”

  “Uh-huh?”

  “If you ruin it with her, I’ll kill you.”

  ***

  “I have not broken your heart – you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine.”

  —Emily Bronte

  A few days pass by before I hear from Jesse. He and Rose are working it out. She wasn’t happy about what happened between us and I tell him that from now on, he needs to adopt a policy of full disclosure. She deserves nothing less.

  Weeks later, as I’m sitting in my office reviewing another contract, the secretary transfers in a call from Dr. Pressler, who says that it’s time for us to catch up. I ask her to pencil me in for an appointment but she invites me to dinner at her place instead.

  She has a beautiful home in an exclusive neighborhood filled with abundant hills and flourishing greenery. The night is cool and breezy as we sit outside on her porch overlooking the city. We talk about the children, their school activities and their routines, and I find myself missing my sessions with her.

  “Eddie reminds me so much of you,” she says as she takes a sip of her wine, winking when I smile at the mention of his name. “He’s smart yet seasoned. A young man in a little boy’s body.”

  “He’s grown up so much in the past few months. He really takes care of me,” I say, gleaming with pride.

  “And that Maddy. So feisty and adorable. Another side of you when I knew you. Both your children have little bits and pieces of you.” She notices my change in expression and it’s like she can read my mind.

  They have little parts of Alex too.

  “He’s doing really well, Isabel. I’m very proud of him. When he decided that he wanted to get better, he really went all out and did it. It’s been quite a rollercoaster ride for the two of you, hasn’t it?”

  I smile warmly, meeting her eyes. “Yes it has.”

  She leans over the table and reaches for my hand. It is soft and warm and full of sincerity. “He said you refused to speak to him when he called for Maddy’s first birthday.” She keeps her hold on me and I squeeze her fingers tightly.

  I laugh when I remember that day. “He went all out for her, sent her a trailer with a pony in it. She was so excited, Eddie rode on it and held her while we took pictures for her dad.” Tears start to fill my eyes. “Dr. P, that day just seared me emotionally. I couldn’t bear to hear his voice. Maddy’s first birthday brought back so many memories of the day she was born. How happy we were, how we thought we had it all.”

  She acknowledges my statement with a slight dip of her head and a smile so warm and comforting that I know she’ll understand. “He called me that night, so terribly broken. He wanted me to sign him out of the rehab center so he could come home. Was Jesse in the pictures?”

  “I made sure not to include him in the ones that we were taking for Alex, but he could have been in others. I didn’t mean to hurt him. We’ve already been through enough.”

  “It will be okay, Isa. You’re no longer that scared adolescent girl I used to see every Saturday. You’re a beautiful, loving and honest young woman with a full life ahead of you.”

  I want to say the words, ask her the question, but I’m afraid to. Like a psychic, she hears my thoughts and immediately allays my fears. “There is no one else, Isa. It’s always been only you.”

  “It’s not just him anymore, Dr. P. I’m damaged goods.” I succumb to the true meaning of what I just said and weep, covering my face with my hands, more ashamed than I’ve ever been. I think it’s because I’ve accepted this as a fact. I’m living my life knowing that I can no longer claim to be his.

  “Isabel, don’t let the poor choices you made negate the years you spent loving him, taking care of him. You chose him. And you still do. He pushed you away and you were in pain.”

  “I should have been stronger. But instead, I fell. I’m like my mother all over again.”

  “Your mother was a good person who loved you. Don’t go back there. That part of your life is over. You are you because of you. So you slipped and you blundered. But I can see that you’re back and you’re standing and you’ve learned a little more about yourself.”

  I nod my head, but don’t utter a word. I close my eyes as a sense of tranquility passes over me. She’s forgiven me for what I’ve done. Maybe he will too. I want to blow up my heart and start over again. Piece the imperfect little fragments back together and recognize the fact that a flawed heart is still a heart. We sit in silence for a few moments until her voice rings through my thoughts.

  “Tell me, Isa, tell me what happened.”

  I tell her about Lucas and about Jesse. I tell her about the agony I suffer from thinking about Sophie every day. I tell her about the blame I place on myself for worrying so much about pleasing Alex that I didn’t take care of my baby. I tell her about my love for Alex, how I tried so hard to get over hi
m. I start to cry when I describe to her just how much he still means to me.

  “What else, Isabel? What have you learned about yourself?”

  “I learned that life is too short to be lived in regret and that I am who I am today because he loved me. Alex taught me so much about opening up my heart and taking risks with it. I won’t let him down. I will live, I will laugh and I will make sure that the children will be as bold as we were then and embrace love as we did when it comes to them one day.”

  “One last question, Isabel. Those panic attacks. Are you still having them?” she asks me pointedly, watching me, giving me time to gather my thoughts.

  “Yes.”

  “Talk to me about them.”

  “I wake up in the middle of the night feeling as if someone is standing with the full weight of his body on my chest. I can’t breathe. I’m terror-stricken. Frightened at the thought that I will never be near him again. That my fingers will never feel the touch of his skin. And then I think, would I have preferred for him to die while loving me? And just as quickly, I realize that I would rather have him alive hating me, knowing that at least he’s here to enrich my life even if only from a distance.”

  She gets up from her chair to stand next to mine and I instinctively twine my arms around her waist like a child holding on to her mother. “Do me a favor, Isabel,” she says, her voice firm. “I want you to go away. I want you to take a break and go away by yourself. Rejuvenate your mind. Forgive yourself. Take some time to repair your heart.” She runs her fingers through my hair as she speaks. I’m starting to relax little by little, shaking my head up and down against her body while she silently pauses to give me time to respond. “What is your most favorite place in the world, Isa?”

  “Paris,” I choke out.

  “Then go and enjoy Paris. Get to know yourself all over again. Get reacquainted with the amazing person you’ve turned out to be. I am so very proud to be a part of your life.”

  “Are you sure you put your passport back in your purse? Did you bring your cash? How about your checkbook? Did you need me to transfer more money to the London account?” Ali is rattling off questions as we sit in the airport lounge waiting to board my flight. Funny how the tide has changed and now she’s busy taking care of me and my children; she says she’s doing it for selfish reasons – that she’s sending me on a mission to find her sister and bring her back.

  Eddie is sitting next to me and Maddy is on the floor playing with her glow worm. This boy has eaten all the appetizers we ordered plus two slices of pizza. I don’t know where he puts it all. I postponed my trip for quite a few weeks after Dr. Pressler prescribed it, waiting until Eddie was out of school for the summer and Alex was back from the States. I know they’re in good hands with their father, and his parents will be with them as well. It’s never easy to leave your children for an extended amount of time, but I am resolved to clear my head once and for all instead of wasting my time dwelling upon the circumstances in my life that can never be reversed. “All good, sis,” I reply confidently, patting my bag. “I checked everything.”

  We both turn our heads to see Maddy lying on the floor, sucking the star at the end of her doll’s cap.

  “Oh, oh, someone is sleepy.” Ali swoops Maddy in her arms and hands her over to me.

  “You guys better go, I’ll be boarding soon.” I squeeze my little girl tightly and give her kisses all over. “I love you, baby, I’ll see you soon, ok?”

  “Okay, Mama,” Maddy says as she rubs the star over her eyes. She loves to tease Eddie by sticking the smelly star in his nose.

  I walk over to my son and embrace him, sighing as he leans in and encircles his arms tightly around me.

  “I love you, Mom. I’ll miss you.”

  “Oh, Eddie. I’ll miss you so much. You know why I have to do this, don’t you?”

  “I do, Mom. Auntie Evie says that before you can come back to us you have to go away first.” He speaks as if he truly understands what it means; I have no doubt that he does.

  “I’ll see you in a few weeks, ok? We’ll Skype every night and I’ll look for those soccer shorts for you.”

  “Remember the one with TORRES written on the back okay, Mom? And they call it fútbol over there.”

  I chuckle at how serious he looks. “Okay, fútbol. I really love you, Eddie.” I loosen my hold on him, but not before kissing his cheek.

  I turn to Ali to say goodbye, resolved not to cry in front of the children. “Thank you,” I whisper, leaning my forehead against hers and holding her face in my hands. “I’ll see you guys in a month. Please don’t forget Sophie’s flowers every Friday. I asked Emmy to make sure that they trim the grass around there on weekends and water the plants while they’re there. I left Eddie’s camp schedule for Alex and I’ll send it to you as well.”

  She nods her head and kisses my forehead. “Take care of yourself, Isa. Hurry back. We’ll be waiting.” She gathers the children by their hands, turns around and speaks before she walks away. “Remember, you’re a secret agent on a mission to find my sister and bring her back. The way she was before.”

  “No one can fix your sister but herself. And I’m going to knock her on the head as soon as I find her and make sure that she does just that,” I promise her with so much conviction.

  My eyes fill with tears as I watch them blend into the crowd and the lounge doors slide to a close after them. I sag back into my seat and stare out through the glass at the huge aircraft that’s waiting to take me away. I know Dr. Pressler is right, but I’ll miss them. Eddie and Maddy are the only ones who have kept me going through all these lonely months. I don’t need time away from them, I need time with them. I’m afraid that this time away may only deepen the emptiness that I’m feeling inside of me.

  I haven’t been able to speak to Alex since he’s arrived from the States. I was afraid that hearing his voice would cause me to regress and weaken my resolve to finally accept things as they are. I think of the last few times that I saw him. Since he’s been in the States, I took over single parent duty as we managed basketball games and playdates and Eddie’s middle school commencement ceremony. He wanted so much to be here but his doctors didn’t want him to leave until he was fully recovered. The Aileys have been out in full force, making sure that they’re present in every aspect of the children’s lives. They are a blessing to me, God’s way of giving in place of what He took. I wonder how Alex is doing and whether or not he has finally found peace. I wish I could say that I have it. Maybe going away will push my face into my turmoil and force me to confront it head on.

  Just as the pre-boarding announcement is made, I bend down to gather up all my things and slip my laptop back into its case. I line up where the Priority Access sign starts and slowly make my way to the gate agent to hand her my boarding pass. As soon as I pass the barriers into the jet way, my phone dings with a text message from Alex.

  TEXT FROM ALEX: I need your light back in my life. Please don’t leave me. Don’t give up on us.

  I stop abruptly and spin around. I’m speechless and confused, and I don’t know what to do. I pace a few steps up the jet way, back towards the ticket agent. He’s sitting in his wheelchair parked at the end of the line, holding my gaze as my eyes meet his. His eyes are glowing; the same blue ocean that held my heart all the years we loved each other.

  Years ago, at the height of my indie book obsession, Alex challenged me to do a team read of Wuthering Heights with him.

  “Of all books, why this book? And a team read?” I asked him, aggravated that he was once again slamming my choice in Indie books.

  “Well, team read because you and I are a team. If you don’t like it, I won’t like it either. But I thought we should read it to each other. Take a break from your swoony books and go back to a classic. I hear the sex scenes are epic.”

  There were no sex scenes but there are lines I will always remember. One in particular incited many a discussion between us.

  Slowly, I turn my back
and walk away, but not before responding to his message.

  TEXT FROM ISABEL: Let me go so I can let you in.

  ***

  “Is it really so that the one I love is everywhere?”

  —Rumi

  Paris. About a year ago, we called it The City of Love. Now, it’s just the City of Lights. Ironically, that phrase was coined because Paris was the center of education during the Age of Enlightenment. Or at least that was one of the theories. I’d like to think that I’m here for some of that understanding. I’m here, alone, to accept my new life and embrace it. I choose a hotel right behind the Champs-Élysées, a few blocks away from the Arc de Triomphe. It’s right outside my window. Eddie and Maddy checked it out the other day when I held my laptop outside my balcony to show it to them. Maddy squealed and said her new favorite word, “wow!” at least ten times as I panned the camera around to give them a glimpse of the famous monument.

  Today marks the second week of my stay and I feel different. Last night was the first time I went to sleep without shedding any tears, and this morning was the very first time that I woke up without thinking of him. This is a huge milestone for me, considering the wide range of emotions that I’ve been through since I arrived. I haven’t found the strength to visit our places yet, but my goal is to do so before I get on the plane to go home. I want to go back to the children and be the mother that they deserve. To do that, I must leave everything behind here, no matter how long it takes for me to do it.

  I have received a quite a few calls from people back home in the past few weeks. Jesse called only once to check up on me. He is such a good friend, although I know that he and I will never have the chance to really get to know who we’ve become in the past twelve years. I can tell that he’s sad about this, but I also know that he’s at peace with his decision. He and Rose are so happy together. Pretty soon, he will be climbing mountains, visiting haunted houses and changing diapers. I am so happy for him. I glance at the clock on the left side of my bed and smile to myself. The laptop is going to ring in 3…2…1. I lean over and click on the little green icon.