His Wounded Light

by Christine Brae

  We stand up to find a place to leave our charm. After searching for an appropriate place for a few minutes, she decides to tie it underneath the metal grate that holds the perpetual candles. Perpetual. Undying and unending, just like my love for her.

  “Here. Another one, Alex. Another memory made and shared with the world.”

  ***

  “We have to stop meeting like this,” he says with a cordial smile.

  His reaction is a world apart from the encounter that we had nearly six months ago. This time I’m here to see him. He’s sitting at a glass desk in an office overlooking the beautiful mountainside. This man has really done well for himself. There’s a wheelchair next to his office chair, but he sits tall and strong as he waits for me to start the conversation. What’s most significant about his workspace are the dozens of pictures scattered around of his wife and two children. He has a beautiful family—one that I coveted for too many years, until I realized that they were never meant to be mine.

  “Thanks for agreeing to see me. I know you just arrived from the States.”

  “Yesterday.”

  “Did everything go well?”

  He winces visibly and thinks thoroughly before he responds. “I’m better, yes. I’m not sure whether that means that my life will be back to normal.”

  “Ailey, I’m here to speak to you about Isa. Six months ago, you gave me the chance to come back into her life. Do you know what happened between us?”

  “No. I assume you’re still together? Are you leaving for Paris with her tomorrow?” His voice is shaky and I can tell that he isn’t dealing well with this conversation at all. He’s fidgeting with his hands, constantly touching his ring finger for an object that remains there. He never removed it.

  “I’m going to marry Rose in two months in England. That’s where her family is from.”

  He breathes an obvious sigh of relief before leaning back into his chair. I nod my head to let him know that it’s okay to show me how he feels.

  “So who is she with? Is she with Martinez?”

  “She’s with no one, Ailey. No one. We realized that what we had is in the past. You’re all she thinks about. She was always honest with me about that. She loves only you.”

  He swivels his chair abruptly towards the window, facing away from me. I don’t need to know why he does that. The emotion in his voice is enough to explain it. I’ve been there so many times before that I want to help the guy. Every action has a consequence and more often than not, you never get a second chance. He speaks before I can verbalize this thought.

  “Tell me about her, Cain. Tell me what I put her through. I need to know the extent of my damage so I can spend my whole life repairing it.”

  “What you did to her was unacceptable. You were a coward who hid behind your big ass ego. You offered her to me. You gave her away. Everything Isabel did after she took that fall was just her trying to survive. Losing the baby killed her, Ailey. And no one was there to help her pick up the pieces of her heart. I know exactly what she tried to do. For ten years, I did the same thing. I fucked myself into obscurity, drowned my desperation in meaningless affairs, meaningless relationships. I’m not saying that that’s what Isa did, but I’m saying that you need to forgive her for her weakness. This is all your doing, Ailey. Take responsibility for it.”

  “What happened with Martinez?” I still can’t see his face, but his voice is soft and uneven.

  “She had a brief affair with him. Very brief. She didn’t love him, but I’m going to tell you that he was there for her at a time when her world went very dark because of the baby. She hurt herself as a result of the guilt that she felt about losing your child.”

  I hear a muffled sob from behind the tall chair. From where I sit, I can see the chair shake back and forth, his arms moving around to shield his face.

  “And you?” he asks, his voice devoid of emotion.

  “She doesn’t love me. We grew apart in the years that passed. You are the love of her life, Ailey. Not anyone else. Not me. Stop being a selfish bastard and give Isa her life back. Whether or not that means you’re in it, I don’t know, but she doesn’t deserve to live in all this guilt and pain.”

  “She told you that she still loves me?” he asks, somewhat surprised.

  “It’s been you all along. Since the day she decided to marry you, she has never swayed. You have a hell of a lot of mess to clean up. Do it soon. And if you don’t want her, let her go. Leave her be.”

  “I thought I was doing her a favor by leaving her,” he says sadly.

  “Whatever your reasons are, they’re not good enough. Fix this. Fix it soon. You and Isa belong together.”

  He clears his throat and rotates the chair back so that we’re facing each other. His eyes are damp and his face is red.

  I continue to say my piece. “You and I, we’ve loved an amazing woman, Ailey. Haven’t we wasted enough years on regret? Life’s too short for this, I really need to get mine started. As for you, you have everything. You have a life that many men would kill for. Don’t blow it. I’m not sure whether she’s going to give you another chance, but she loves you. And I thought that you should know that.”

  He bobs his head up and down in agreement, and for the first time during our entire exchange, his eyes meet mine. The tension in the room suddenly dissipates; he won her heart fair and square.

  “Congratulations on your engagement, man. I’m happy that you finally have what you’re looking for.”

  “I do. I’m going to spend a few years catching up with what you already have.”

  He smiles at that statement. “I’ve loved her and only her for almost twenty years.”

  I laugh at that; sarcastically, of course, but I laugh. “There’s a bit of an overlap in your number of years there, dude.” An awkward silence follows and then I say what I know he wants to hear from me today. “You had her years ago. The fight for her love is over. Give her what she’s only ever wanted. Give her yourself, imperfect as you are. She just wants to love you.”

  “I can’t imagine my life without her.” He looks down at his desk and fidgets with his hands before he offers the right one to me and we shake on it. “I want to thank you for coming here today and wish you luck in everything you do. Your concern for me and my family is sincerely appreciated.”

  The formality is back. I know he’s struggling to keep it all intact, trying his hardest not to show his true emotions. Once again, I only know this because I’ve been there.

  I return his handshake and stand up to leave. “See you around, Ailey.”

  “See you around.”

  I don’t hear from Isabel until a month after she arrives from her trip. Her sisters had let me know that Alex had gone to Paris to take her home, so I was just waiting for the call. The Isabel on the phone that day was the Isabel I had loved long ago. Her voice was the childlike one I remembered, with a lilt in her tone and the happy disposition in her voice—I knew right there and then that once again, her world was complete. The one thing that I will always remember about this amazing woman is her capacity for forgiveness. No amount of pain in her life will ever change her selflessness. I feel blessed that she bestowed that gift upon me so many times during our days together.

  I don’t think about that part of my life anymore. Like a faded memory, I know that they have molded me and helped me to become who I currently am. And I’m grateful for them. I’m thankful for the fact that as I stand here waiting, I can think of nothing else but what lies ahead for me tomorrow.

  I rushed over to see Rose the day that Isabel and I arrived back from the mountains. She was sitting at her desk in the apartment, working on some lesson plans. I paused to catch my breath as I stood by the door, knowing what I wanted to do next. As she sat with her back towards me, she was startled by the sound of my footsteps approaching her.

  “Jesse. What are you doing here?” she asked, her face a picture of pure surprise. “Aren’t you supposed to be away with your girlfriend?�
�

  “Rose,” I said as I knelt down on ground so that we were at eye level, “can we talk?”

  “What about? That you’re moving in with her?” Her movements were jittery. She closed her eyes as she waited anxiously for my remark.

  “No, Rose. Please, let me explain.” I lightly brushed my thumbs across her cheeks.

  “What? I don’t understand. What happened?”

  “We tried. We tried to get back what I thought we had, but my heart reminded me that there was no longer any room in it. You have filled it, Rose. You are the one. I don’t want to be with anyone else but you.”

  She looked away as tears formed in her eyes. “That’s not good enough for me, Jesse. You left me for her. I will not be an afterthought.”

  “Oh, Rose. Please hear me out.”

  She takes a deep breath and shakes her head, but I decide to continue while I still have her attention.

  “I have lived the past twelve years in the cloud of what might have been. Meeting you has pulled me out of that haze and taken me to a place where love is light and happy and fulfilling. When Alex Ailey left her, I thought about all of the chances that I may have missed to try to get her back. I was obsessed with proving it to myself and I selfishly hurt you because of it. I’ve been on the receiving end of this before, Rose, so I know how it feels. When Isabel knew that it was Alex she loved, there was no turning back for her. I’m at that same point today. I love you. Only you.”

  “Did you sleep with her?” she asked me shakily.

  I knew it would be over once she heard what I had to say. She deserved nothing more than to hear the truth from me. “Yes.”

  Her face tightened and she closed her eyes and leaned away from me. I didn’t stop her this time. I had made my bed and I needed to accept the consequence of what I had done. I slowly stepped back and held her gaze for a long moment before turning around to walk out the door.

  “I’m very sorry for hurting you, Rose. I don’t have a right to even the smallest part of your heart.” All I heard was the sound of the floor creaking as I made my way out of her life.

  “Jesse,” she muttered quietly. “Jesse.” She cleared her throat and repeated herself a third time. “Jesse!”

  My heart was filled with hope. I turned around to see her crying.

  “What did sleeping with her accomplish if you say that you knew it was me?”

  “Everything, Rose. It completed the journey that I needed to take. It ended years of yearning, of loss, of wishing and regretting. There was nothing there at the end of that road. But I had to walk that course to find you. I see only your face when I look beyond today. I see you.”

  She continued to cry, abruptly moving closer to me; I was hopeful that she had seen what I was trying to show her. “Why do I believe you?” she murmured through her tears. “Why do I want to give you another chance?”

  “Because you know me well enough to understand that I haven’t said these words to anyone else after her. Rose, please listen to me. When I met you, I didn’t realize that my heart had moved on despite the fact that my head was stuck in the past. I promise to use my heart from now on. I promise to love you more than I have ever loved anyone else. You have me, all of me. Marry me, Rose. I love you.”

  I nervously reached into my pocket and pulled out the little white box that held my future. She remained standing in front of me, her eyes smiling through the rush of tears that still kept coming.

  I sank one knee down on the floor and offered her my life.

  It’s a beautiful, sunny afternoon, one I’m told is a rarity in this place and at this time of the year. The green grass and the luscious foliage provide the most stunning backdrop for such a beautiful occasion. And here I am, thinking about the year that has come and gone and remembering only the parts that include my future.

  We’re here at Lumley Castle in Durham County, the town where Rose grew up before she found herself traveling the world. I had to call a few favors in to secure this venue within such short notice, but thankfully, the entire hotel is ours for the weekend. The place is filled with people I don’t even know, family I’ve never met, and relatives who don’t know anything about me. And yet as I look at each and every one of their faces, I feel the indisputable warmth and welcome that radiates from their hearts.

  The music starts to play and I turn to seek the familiar faces of my life. My mother’s eyes fill with tears while she silently nods at me, and I watch intently as the procession begins. We’re in the castle’s inner courtyard, surrounded by trees and flowers and magnificently sculpted hedges, and I’m standing in the middle of the brick laid foyer with Ryan and my brothers by my side. My sisters look so grown up as they walk towards me on the arms of strangers. I see children and couples and generations pass in front of me. My heart beats wildly as I behold a vision alight through the entrance with an older gentleman by her side—my life. My bride. She smiles at me and I am brought back to the time when I first met her. When I first touched her. When I knew that she would be the one to erase all my bitterness.

  My heart was set free the day she came to me.

  Their walk towards me is slow and excruciating; I can hardly stand still. I panic at the thought of letting another minute go by without her by my side. I elicit a few gasps as I impulsively leave my assigned place and make my way past the groomsmen, running down the steps to meet her halfway.

  “Jesse?” She looks at me with worried eyes. “What’s the matter?”

  Her father takes a defensive stance, almost as if he’s preparing to shield his daughter with his arms. The crowd has gone completely silent as the guests remain standing, waiting for the drama to commence.

  “Nothing,” I say emphatically and loud enough for at least her father to hear us. “I just want to make sure that no one stops you on your way to me tonight.”

  She laughs out loud, that joyous, hearty laugh that has filled my heart for all these months.

  “I’ve waited long enough,” I tell her as I shake her father’s hand and then affectionately reach out to touch her face. “Please don’t make me wait much longer.”

  Her face breaks out into a dazzling smile and she slips her hand in mine. “No more wasted time, Jesse. Let’s get going, because I can’t wait to be your wife.”

  ***

  Five months later, here we are again. Another book, another voyage. This time it wasn’t as lonely. This time I didn’t write in isolation. I had so many of you right next to me, holding my hand every step of the way. Your presence in my life gave me the confidence that I needed to conclude Jesse, Alex and Isa’s story. You have made all the difference in my life. I hope you stay long after the last page of this book has been turned and all the hype has died down.

  My most sincere gratitude goes to the following:

  My Street Team. Without you, this book would not have been possible. I owe it all to Yvonne Leishman, who set this team up months ago. I am blessed to have the kindest, funniest, most passionate group of readers who have since then become my friends. A few of you have been so instrumental in inspiring me to write this book—Kissa Mil Xu, Sheena Lumsden, Alisha Rose Jackson, Emma Fernandez, Barbara Murray, Serena Prather-Knautz, Robin Segnitz, Trisha Rai and Megan Simpson. Your support made me believe in myself. I will always remember what you have done for me. I love you all. I truly do. I hope I didn’t disappoint you.

  Rebecca Espinoza – Critique Partner and friend. You’re still here and it makes me happy.

  Tabby Coots—for all your help and assistance with the group. You are a treasure.

  To the bloggers who loved The Light in the Wound: your kind words placed me on the map and I will never forget that. Angie’s Dreamy Reads, Vilma’s Book Blog, Stacey Hggs Reads, K&M Book Reviews, AlexisRealityBytes, Kelli Harrower, Tammy Zautner, Reading Books like A Boss, Book Addict Mumma, Kristie Wittenberg, If the Book Fits, Beauty Brains and Books, Devoured Words, Brandee’s Book Endings, and many, many more.

  Our Team Jesse and Team Alex lead
ers: Alisha Rose Jackson and Orchita Rahman

  To the best group of beta readers, ever: Cris Hadarly, Sandra Cortez, Lisa Rutledge, Brandee Veltri, Megan Simpson, Orchita Rahman, Laura Wilson, Tosha Khoury, Kristin McNally and Trisha Rai.

  And you, Melissa Brown. Not only are you my mentor, you are also my friend. You always give with your heart—there’s no one quite like you. This “grasshopper” loves you very much.

  Lindsay Sparkes and Janna Mashburn. BBB. Our trio. Tried, trusted and tested. Thank you for your love and friendship. You just don’t know how much you both mean to me. Thank you for being the first to read my books, for your honesty and your guidance.

  Janna Mashburn for the perfect trailers. Always.

  Erin Dauer Roth, my editor and friend. I am so lucky that you treated this book as one of your own.

  Angela McLaurin of Fictional Formats. The best formatter and sweetest friend in the entire universe.

  For the most beautiful book cover I have ever seen—the genius that is Lindsay Sparkes. I am honored to have been your “first.” Thank you for taking out your OCD on this cover—it is absolute beauty and perfection. Remember me when you’re rich and famous.

  Rick Miles of Red Coat PR—how did I get so lucky to find you? Thank you for always looking out for me and for being a wonderful friend.

  To Cris Soriaga Hadarly from The Book Avenue for organizing our Blog Tour and to all the participating blogs. You will never know how much it means to me that you are taking the time to read and review this book, especially during the holidays. I am forever grateful to have your support. I really hope that you enjoyed reading this book.

  To my family, still reeling from the lack of attention resulting from the release of The Light in the Wound. I can’t believe I threw you into the ring again. I am so sorry for this ridiculously crazy year and I thank you for being in my life.

  And to my other family – Tarryn, Lori & Tosha. Just knowing that you’re still here with me means so much.