We See the Stars

by Kate van Hooft

  The bees swarmed down my arms until there were more bees than there was blood. The stingers ripped open my skin from the inside, and when they finally had enough room they let their wings out and poured free into the air. I could barely breathe for the pain of it, for the ripping and the noise of the swarm. They went straight for Grandma, straight for her where she stood, and when the full weight of them got her she was pushed right onto the floor.

  My arms shook and burnt with the heat of the stings, and the pain had me tight around the chest. I could hardly see for the bodies, and the wings brushed against my cheeks and my eyes as they flew away. When I could see again I realised that Grandma’s head had hit the doorframe when she went down, and she wasn’t moving. I held the shreds of my arms with my hands. By the time the bees had gone I could hear my heart again, and the weight of the honeycomb was nothing in my chest.

  Twenty-two and a half

  Bad things:

  1. When it’s winter and the sun is real bright and high and sharp, and the sky is super blue and there’s not many clouds but it’s still so cold and there’s no leaves on the trees, and how the trees make claws with their shadows all over the back room.

  2. A door when it’s locked, and dark, and heavy.

  3. Mrs Starling when she asks you a question in class and waits for you to answer with her eyebrows all arched up.

  3.1 What it looks like when you turn around and see all the other kids are waiting to hear you answer, too, and some of them are laughing.

  4. What it looks like when a house is cold and quiet and there should be people in there but there aren’t any.

  5. When you stare at the sun and you get a burning-hot ball of light in your eyes and even when you look away it’s still there and you know it will be there forever.

  6. When an old man drops his walking stick and can’t bend over to pick it up.

  7. When the embers are glowing in the air, and they could start the next fire anywhere they land, and the grass is so dry under the wheels of the car that you can hear the crunching over the sound of the engine.

  8. How the skin on a scar is all pinched and purple and is sore even just to look at.

  9. How someone’s face looks when the flashing red and blue lights from a police car are on it, and the shadows keep changing and you feel like it’s two different people fighting to get to be just one.

  10. When you see a spider in the corner and you’re in the shower and you want to splash it and rinse it down the drain but you don’t want it to fall off and hit you in the face.

  11. When your dad says there’s still fifteen minutes until you get to the hospital and you gave your puffer to Davey because sometimes he has the same wheeze, but you didn’t tell Grandma in case he had to go to the doctor too, and you also left the spare puffer in your school desk.

  12. What it looks like when your dad goes to a meeting with your teacher and afterwards his hands are so tight on the steering wheel that you can see the white spread out and under the knuckles.

  13. When someone has gone missing and you really want them to come back, and you think you see them across the road or in a shop and you get real excited, and then you look closer and it’s not them and it never was them and it never will be, not ever and never again.

  Twenty-three

  It got dark over the cricket pitch and the back of the school hall, and even though there weren’t any trains on the line you could hear the cars driving down Main Street and out onto the highway, and Grandma’s head hit the doorframe because she couldn’t get her arms up fast enough to stop it.

  I crossed over the railway line, and walked up around where the houses look out onto paddocks and there’s no fences because they don’t have yards. I was sick on the road but it was too dark to see it, and I tried to kick some dirt over it but I wasn’t really sure if I got the right spot. I sucked in big breaths, but there was still the smell of sick and if I breathed in too much I could taste it. I felt the prickles up and inside my elbows and my eyes, and the little stones on the road cut into my legs when I sat down on it, and if I put my head back I could see little pinpricks of light just inside my eyelids. I couldn’t stop remembering. I closed my eyes, and it was cold on my face in the darkness.

  ***

  Mrs Freeman stood on the front porch holding a couple of books in one hand and grasping Mum’s arm with the other. Mum had a big tummy, and when Davey and me put our hands on it we’d hold our breath until we felt the kick. If you stood behind her you could see her hair in the golden light coming in through the door, but Mrs Freeman was all in shadow.

  ‘You can’t just appear on my doorstep with this rubbish,’ Mum said. She stood with her back to me, but I could see all the muscles in her neck and her arms go tight. Mum put her hand on her belly and rubbed at it gently, and the baby felt the warm on its skin through her insides, and kicked into her ribs with the shock of it.

  ‘Well, Bev sent me,’ Mrs Freeman said.

  I came up closer behind Mum and put my fingers through the belt loops of her skirt. It was long and flowy and went all the way to the ground. She brushed me away from her.

  ‘Tell Bev she doesn’t know what she’s talking about,’ Mum said.

  ‘She’s just worried about him,’ Mrs Freeman said, ‘and I am too. I’ve taught him for nearly a term now and, frankly, I see what she means. The doctor said—’

  ‘He’s just shy around the other kids,’ Mum said. She moved back from the door and bumped into me. ‘Jesus, Simon,’ she said. ‘Get out of it.’

  I heard Davey come up behind me, and I walked backwards until we were standing side by side. Mrs Freeman kept looking down at me over Mum’s shoulder, with her lips bent down at the corners.

  ‘It’s not just that,’ Mrs Freeman said. ‘Bev has a right to see her grandkids. What you’re doing is just cruelty.’

  If you looked past Mum’s tummy and out into the road you could see Mrs Freeman’s car in the driveway, parked right up close to Dad’s. His work boots were sitting in the corner by the door, and you could just hear the radio on in the back room, where he was listening to the news.

  ‘Cruelty? You two drag him off to a doctor and don’t tell his parents, then come around here and lecture me about fucking cruelty? You can shove it, the both of you. And you can tell Bev she can see the boys again when she can show me a bit of respect,’ Mum said.

  ‘Why don’t you tell her yourself?’ Mrs Freeman stepped out of the way so you could see Grandma sitting in the front seat of Mrs Freeman’s car. She was watching over the top of the street directory. You could see her cigarette burning orange and the smoke pushing up against the windscreen.

  ‘Oh, come on,’ Mum said. I could see that she was shaking.

  Mum went out onto the porch and stood at the top of the steps. ‘Are you going to come over here and look me in the face?’ she yelled.

  Grandma rolled down the car window. ‘Am I allowed into my own son’s house?’ she called back.

  ‘Not when you’re trying to send your grandson away,’ Mum yelled.

  Davey slipped his hand into mine. His palm was warm and you could just feel the pulse in it. He squeezed but I couldn’t squeeze back. I could feel the angry coming up through the floor from the dirt under the house. It spiralled up underneath my feet and curled around and under my shoelaces, and when I looked down it was muddy and made a mess of my socks.

  ‘Maybe we should go inside,’ Mrs Freeman said. She put a hand on Mum’s arm again but Mum pulled away from her, and as she swung around Mum’s belly pushed out so that they were almost touching.

  ‘This is your fault, you know,’ she said, pointing to my teacher. Her face was shiny with sweat. ‘You’ve filled her head with this rot.’

  ‘Bev came to me with her concerns,’ Mrs Freeman said. She took a few steps forward so that Mum had to back away. She was real close to the steps now. ‘You can’t just shut her out.’

  Mum’s hands were shaking and she scrunched them up into fists a
nd let them go again.

  The angry moved up my legs to my kneecaps, and when it wrapped itself around them I felt my legs go weak and I wasn’t sure if I could stand. It was blazing when it touched my skin under my pants, and it was lava coming straight up from the centre of the Earth.

  Grandma stuck her head out of the car window. ‘Maybe he could get normal!’ she yelled.

  Mrs Freeman turned to Mum to say something, but Mum put her hand out.

  ‘Get off my porch,’ she ordered.

  The angry crawled up past my waist and I felt my tummy shift and roll with the weight of it. If I looked down I could barely see my legs for the black and the mud, and there were worms and little beetles crawling over and inside my shoes. I could feel my heart thumping so hard that it went all the way through my chest and into my ears. The heat of it melted the buttons of my school shirt. When I lifted my hands I could see dirt on them where the angry was starting to get in under my fingernails.

  ‘Gerald knows one of the teachers; it’s only two hours on the train,’ Mrs Freeman said.

  ‘Don’t come here again,’ Mum said. ‘Don’t leave your phone number in the letterbox. And don’t you ever talk about my family again.’

  Mrs Freeman’s face went red. Mum grabbed hold of Mrs Freeman’s arm and tried to push her towards the steps, but Mrs Freeman planted one leg behind herself so that Mum couldn’t move her.

  Davey ran down the corridor, and after a second the sound from the radio stopped.

  Grandma opened the car door and got out. ‘Jan, do you see? This is where he gets it,’ she said. Mum dropped Mrs Freeman’s arm, and her breath came out fast and high.

  ‘What happens when he gets bigger and no-one can control him?’ Mrs Freeman asked.

  The angry was burning around my neck, and I felt the heavy of it, and I was trying to keep all my muscles up and working and upright. I started trying to clear my throat of it, but I could feel it coming in through my nose, and there was already some of it in my hair, and when I tried to pull the angry off my scalp, clumps of hair came out along with it, and I heard the grunt of the angry in my throat more than I felt the pain.

  ‘Shit,’ Mum said. She turned to look at me. ‘Simon, please, baby—not now,’ she begged. ‘Count for me. How many red? How many green?’

  Mrs Freeman was right up close to Mum’s face now. ‘What kind of future do you think he has with you?’ she asked quietly.

  ‘Go fuck yourself,’ said Mum.

  The angry came up the back of my neck and down over my forehead until only my eyes were left.

  Mum took a step forward so that Mrs Freeman had to back away.

  The angry moved my legs and made me follow them. I stepped out onto the porch, leaving footprints behind me that made burn marks on the carpet.

  ‘Jan, we should go,’ Grandma called from over by the car.

  Mrs Freeman tried to take another step forward, but Mum pushed her back.

  You could hear Dad’s footsteps coming down the corridor, and Davey’s smaller ones running along behind.

  I pulled out another chunk of my hair, and the angry burnt so hot in my throat that not even yelling could hurt it anymore.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Dad said. Mrs Freeman spun around to look at him, and she went so fast that her arm swung out in a circle, and she still had her hand in a fist from when she’d been yelling, and it hit Mum in her belly right where the baby was. Mum squawked in surprise.

  I felt the rush start in me, and the angry moved up over my face to cover my eyes. From underneath the mud and the darkness I could hear my howl as my legs rushed forward, and the worms and the beetles burnt up and fell to the ground as I moved, and the angry lifted my arms up and started swinging them, and all I could feel was the burn on my skin coming sharp and scorching from the inside out.

  For a second there was silence. Mrs Freeman stood next to me on the porch, looking down at the ground. Behind me little bits of beetle ashes flew up off the floor and into the wind, and Davey gripped the doorframe with one hand and covered his eyes with the other. I heard the screaming start, then Dad was pushing me backwards as he jumped off the edge of the porch and into the garden. I closed my eyes and then opened them, and when I took a few steps and looked over the edge of the porch, she was there.

  The bricks from the front steps had crumbled away and were lying on the path. There was blood coming from between Mum’s legs. Enough to make the driveway red even after the rain had stopped. Enough to get stuck to the gravel and the tyres.

  ***

  Mr Justfield’s cow was still alone in her paddock, but when she saw me coming up along the fence she came over with her head dipped low to see what I would do. I leant over the fence with my hand out, and I felt the shake and the heat of it still, even in the dark, but she wouldn’t come close enough for me to touch her.

  I took my jumper off and threw it over the fence so that I couldn’t get stuck on the sharp bits, and then I pulled the strands of wire apart to slip through. I took a deep breath but I still felt a pull on my pants when I squeezed between them, and a sharp scrape across the back of my ear.

  Mr Justfield’s cow didn’t move when I got closer to her, and when I put my ear to her skin I could hear the heartbeat coming up from the inside. Her udder was full and you could see the little blue veins spidered across her skin. She let out a big breath when you put your hand on them. She sagged a little bit when you squeezed to get the milk.

  I tasted the sour of the milk in my throat. Each letter from the note squeezed out through the cow’s udder and I swallowed them down.

  B. I swallowed it down.

  I. I swallowed it down.

  N. I swallowed it down.

  G. I swallowed it down.

  O. I swallowed it down.

  Twenty-four

  Jeremy’s house was on the good street, which was far enough from the railway line that you couldn’t hear the trains. Even though the blocks were all the same size, the houses on them were nicer. The trees were always real green no matter what time of year it was. There were always flowers in the gardens and curtains on the windows and wheels on the cars. Everyone knew which house was Jeremy’s because he’d always talked about his fence, which his grandpa had built when they bought the house back before Jeremy’s dad was even grown up. It had little lions on top and it was so high that you couldn’t get over it without a ladder or a boost. Most of the time they left it unlocked, but it was the biggest fence on the whole street and Jeremy said it was also the most expensive.

  By the time I got to his place it was getting dark already, and the cold was underneath my jumper and hard on my skin. I stood out the front for a while and looked up at the windows. You couldn’t see who was inside, or if Jeremy’s parents were home.

  Superman went up to the front door and knocked.

  Rohan opened the door and looked up at me from underneath a baseball cap that was too big for him. He had a milkshake straw in his mouth and he was chewing the end of it. From the door you could see the TV, and Countdown looked a whole lot better when you could see the colours of the bands.

  ‘Who is it?’ a voice called.

  ‘Davey’s brother,’ Rohan said. He chewed on the end of his straw like it was grass.

  Jeremy appeared over his shoulder, and when he saw me he pushed Rohan out of the way.

  ‘Simon?’ he said. He looked out at the street and then back to me. ‘Is Cassie with you?’

  ‘I need to borrow your maps,’ I said.

  Jeremy looked at me. ‘They’re not mine, they’re Dad’s,’ he said.

  ‘I need to borrow your dad’s maps,’ I said. ‘And a compass, if you have one. And a torch. Please.’

  He looked over his shoulder. ‘Meet me around the side,’ he said, and then closed the door on me.

  I waited near the garage around the side of the house, and a few minutes later Jeremy rolled the door up from the inside, just high enough for me to get in underneath. There was a car inside that
was so shiny you could see your face in it. Rohan followed him, and he kept pulling on the end of the cap to keep it down over his eyes, and if Jeremy told him to go away he’d just take a couple of steps backwards and then move forward real slow when Jeremy looked away.

  Jeremy had a stack of folded-up maps in his hands, and when he flipped between them you could see the grids and the green patches for mountains. ‘What do you want them for?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m going for a walk,’ I said.

  ‘What, now?’

  I nodded. If you listened hard you could hear the TV coming through from inside the house. It wasn’t music anymore, now it was just news.

  ‘Mate, this is a bad idea,’ he said.

  ‘Cassie’s going with me,’ I said. ‘We’re going to the city. She’s going to dance and I’m going to learn to make things with wood.’

  ‘You’re walking to the city with Cassie?’ Jeremy asked, and I felt my cheeks go hot and red while he looked at me.

  ‘No, I mean, we’ll take the train once we walk to the station in Manerlong. Cassie’s got a ticket for the fancy train, the one they have the food on.’

  ‘Davey and me aren’t friends since term one,’ Rohan said. Jeremy kept looking at me, and I felt my cheeks start to tingle from the cold.

  ‘You have to be careful with the compass; it’s my dad’s, too.’ He handed it to me, and I held it in my hand. It was made out of silver and the face was black. The needle kept pointing away, no matter which way I turned.

  ‘Do you know how to use it?’ Jeremy asked me.

  I closed my fingers over it so he’d stop looking.

  ‘Does Cassie know how to use a compass?’

  I shrugged my shoulders.

  Jeremy grabbed it back out of my hands. ‘You have to hold it level,’ he said. He flipped it so that it was upside down and the needle stopped moving. ‘If you hold it wrong it doesn’t work.’ He looked me right in the eye. ‘Tell Cassie so she remembers. Hold it wrong and it won’t work. And keep an eye out for landmarks, because that’ll help you figure out where to go.’