by Emma Nichols
Shaking my head, I made my way to Lauryn’s side. She hadn’t changed. Okay, maybe her eyelids were puffier. I pointed and glanced to the nurse who was in the room, typing on her electronic chart. “Is this normal?” I asked quietly.
She nodded. “Yes. It should go down over time. We have her on meds to reduce the swelling.” She pointed to the bag hanging over the side of the bed. “Excess fluid should be forced through her kidneys and out the bladder.”
I didn’t want to see her like this. The Lauryn I knew was always so strong and vibrant. She was tough and determined. She was everything to me. Now I had to be everything for her and Ripley. I’d never been that guy, but I had no choice. I knew DeSean wouldn’t give me one.
Taking two steps, I moved closer to the bed. There were more wires, more tubes. All I could smell was rubbing alcohol, and that distinctive hospital smell. Leaning over her, I brushed my hand over her forehead and smoothed back her hair. “Rest, baby. I’ll take care of Ripley. Just get better. We’ll be back in the morning.” Then I brushed my lips against her forehead.
“Call ahead,” the nurse suggested. “They can tell you her room.”
I nodded. “I will.”
Then I turned on my heels and trudged out of the emergency room. As promised, I found DeSean had pulled the car up to the curb. The night was dark and still. Normally, I’d love this kind of quiet. This was when I made my best music, when nature blotted out the distractions of the day and the rest of the world slept. Only tonight, there wasn’t a song in me, only an overwhelming sadness.
As I opened the door and sank down in the seat, DeSean reached out and clapped my shoulder. “She’s tough. She’d have to be to put up with you,” he joked.
With a frown, I muttered, “I know.”
“So you got nothing to worry about. This is just a speed bump in life. Before you know it, she’ll be all better.” He shrugged like this was no big deal.
“And then what?” I asked seriously. In the backseat, Ripley squeaked and I glanced to check on him.
“That’s all on you,” DeSean murmured. “This is an opportunity.”
I groaned.
“See, you think all opportunities come with neon signs and metallic bows. Some of the best ones come from tragedies, born of blood and tears. Don’t blow it.” He eyed me sternly.
“This seems to be a recurring theme from you,” I muttered grimly.
“Yeah, well, fucking up seems to be what you do best.” He sighed.
I opened my mouth to object. Instead, I considered the truth of his words. I swallowed hard. Pride doesn’t go down easily. Then I took a deep breath. “D, I’m gonna need your help,” I whispered.
Like a true friend, he grinned. “Thought you’d never ask.”
6
Tradd
“Come on little guy! I fed you. I burped you. I changed what could possibly be the world’s smelliest diaper. Please sleep.” I paced the room with him upright on my chest. The voice in my head was starting again. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Why would DeSean think I could do this?
A knock on the door interrupted my pity party, but didn’t affect Ripley’s wailing at all. I glanced at the time on the nightstand clock. Almost three in the morning. Great. We were probably getting kicked out of the hotel for a noise complaint. This had happened to me once before. Of course that time it was because my drummer had a bad breakup and caught his girl with one of the roadies. He got drunk in the hotel room and pretty much wrecked the place. Our entire group was tossed at nearly four in the morning and I was ready to wrap my fingers around his neck. Since I’d been in the middle of a blissfully passionate night with Lauryn at the time, I was even more put out than normal.
I rushed to the door, an apology already on my lips, when I realized it was Tegyn. “What are you doing here?” I frowned and peeked out the door down the hall after she pushed past me. DeSean wasn’t in sight.
“He told me what room you were in. He was feeding Zara and asked me to check on you. Good thing, huh?” She grinned and reached for the baby.
Without a second thought I let her take him from me.
“I’ve tried everything,” I complained.
“I can tell you changed his diaper.” Tegyn smirked.
My brow furrowed. “What’s that mean?”
She motioned for me to follow her to the bed. Then she laid him on his back, unbuttoned his pajamas, which had a gaping hole because I hadn’t buttoned them properly. “Really?” Her brows rose.
“He was wiggling,” I explained weakly.
“Babies do that. You still need to dress him properly and make sure the diaper is on right.” She sighed.
“What’s wrong with it?” I crossed my arms over my chest and glared.
She sighed and held him up without the pajamas on. His diaper slid right down his legs. “Just this.”
“He pooched out his stomach!” I argued.
“Dude, he’s a baby. That’s what they do.” She laid him on the bed and rushed to cover his business with the diaper. “Come here. Let’s teach you how to do this right. I’m not always going to be around to save your ass in the middle of the night.”
“We were doing just fine.” I scowled.
“Were you? Because I could hear you halfway down the hall. And you seemed pretty ready to lose it when I arrived.” She stood without fixing the diaper. “If you’re fine, I’ll go back to bed with my amazing husband in the room we’re sharing with our sleeping infant.” Tegyn started toward the door.
I groaned. “I’m a mess. We both know I’m a mess. Why do you make me say it out loud?”
“You need to learn to ask for help, Tradd. It’s a strength to admit you have a lot to learn, not a weakness.” She motioned for me to follow her back to the bed. “Now let’s work on diapering 101.” Tegyn knelt on the floor and I knelt beside her. “You need to make the diaper as tight as possible. Pull these tabs back and try again.”
I yanked the Velcro-like tabs back and opened the diaper.
“Roll the top down and cover him…” Tegyn urged.
I leaned low to focus on folding the top back to make some diaper hem against his skin.
“Quickly!”
I turned my head, ready to snap at her for rushing me when I was trying so hard to do a good job. And that’s when a stream of hot baby pee hit me in the side of the head and dribbled into my ear. “Oh my God! I’ve been hit!”
Naturally, my shouting startled Ripley, who was now screeching even more loudly than before.
“That’s why you work quickly with little boys. The slightest breeze and they pee all over you.” She snickered. “Lesson one, learned the hard way. Of course, DeSean warned me that’s the only way you learn, so I’m guessing you’ll be picking up the pace from now on, right?”
I was freaking out, looking around, trying to figure out what to use to clean up my head. Tegyn passed me a diaper wipe and then wandered into the bathroom to return with a washcloth and hand towel. “Thank you.” I muttered while I cleaned up.
In the meantime, she changed his diaper. I watched as she made it look impossibly tight, which was what I’d feared doing. And as soon as she was done, I watched as his stomach sank and the diaper fit snugly without hurting him in the least. “Oh.” I frowned.
Then she stuck his feet back in the sleeper, which had somehow miraculously not been soiled during my golden shower. Working from the crotch up, she managed to get him completely dressed in a matter of seconds. Finally she stood and glanced about the room. In his pack and play, which DeSean had helped me set up, she found a linen blanket.
“These are swaddles,” she explained as she laid it out on the bed. “You’re going to wrap the little guy like a burrito. You’ve eaten burritos, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Good. So, like this.” She folded down on corner, laid his head on it, wrapped another corner over him and tucked it around his back, thereby securing one formerly flailing arm. Then she pulled up
the bottom corner and folded it mid chest. She ended with securing his other arm and once she had him completely tucked in, she passed me my now quiet little bundle. “Babies like to feel snug and safe. Calms them right down most of the time.”
“Most of the time?” I questioned.
“You have to test things. If you’ve fed him, burped him, and changed him, there’s a good chance he needs to be swaddled, rocked, and loved.” Tegyn smiled at me as I stood there staring down at Ripley. “All babies are different. Some soothe with the parent’s voice. I can just talk to Zara and she’s all better. When I’m not there to tuck her in, which is rare, DeSean grabs one of my shirts from the hamper. The scent of me soothes her while he holds her.” She smiled.
“We may need a shirt,” I murmured. “Anything else I need from this lesson? What if none of that works?”
Tegyn laughed. “You’re a rock star. Sing to him.” Then she patted me on the back. “You can do this, Tradd. You aren’t supposed to be an expert. Luckily, there’s a learning curve, to an extent. Keep the tiny human alive and you can get better every day. Got it?”
I offered a half-smile. “I got it. I think.”
“Good. I’m going to bed. See you in a few hours at breakfast.” She grinned as she started to let herself out of the room.
“Wait. Breakfast?” I frowned. I didn’t remember that discussion.
“Yeah. We’re going to go see the newlyweds off on their honeymoon. Breakfast is at eight downstairs. See you and Ripley then.” She quietly shut the door behind her and I exhaled.
Less than four hours to sleep. Somehow I’d have to get both of us ready. I laid Ripley gently in his pack and play. Maybe I should start to get ready now. I looked at the suitcase full of clothes that DeSean had packed and selected one outfit. Thinking better of it, I grabbed two. One for him. One for the bag. He could spit up all over himself. After all, he had earlier. I frowned as I rummaged through everything until I found a bib and burp cloth. What else? Diaper bag. What would it need?
Over the next hour, I managed to pack and organize everything as much as possible. My hair was still damp, but already starting to smell. No way was I going to sleep like this, so I took a shower, just after five in the morning. Next thing I know, it was two hours before breakfast. I’m exhausted and worried Ripley is going to wake up any minute. Still, I need to sleep if I can, just like DeSean had warned earlier. So, I pulled on some boxer shorts and laid across the end of the bed since the that’s where the pack and play was set up. I dropped my hand inside the mesh enclosure and rested it against Ripley’s thigh. Somehow, feeling him breathe allowed me to relax enough so I could rest.
I woke to someone tapping my shoulder. Rolling over sleepily, I rubbed my eyes and saw DeSean standing over me. “How did you get in here?”
He snorted. “You gave me your key card last night. You passed it to me, like I was working for you. So I kept it. I figured something like this would happen.”
I groaned and forced myself to sit up. “What happened?”
“You overslept. Breakfast. You coming?” He peeked at Ripley. “You might as well. After all, he’s about to wake up. At least with us, you stand a shot at getting food and help.” Without waiting for me to respond, he picked up my son and placed him in the stroller, which was laid flat.
DeSean unbundled him enough to secure him in the stroller, checked the diaper bag. “You packed it?”
“Yeah,” I grumbled defensively.
“You done good.” He smiled his approval. “And this his outfit for today?”
“Yes?” I slid off the bed and grabbed for the jeans I’d pulled out for myself.
Clapping me on the shoulder, DeSean murmured, “You impress me. You got potential, Tradd.”
My cheeks colored. I was almost ashamed at how much it pleased me to have his approval. “Thanks,” I mumbled as I finished getting dressed.
Soon we’d left my room and started toward the elevator. I shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t want to do this,” I admitted. “I don’t want to hang out at breakfast when I’m worried about Lauryn.”
“You still have to eat. Call the hospital. I’ll drive you right after breakfast. I promise.” He nodded and pointed at the phone I was holding in my hand.
I took a deep breath. “Okay.” I pulled up the hospital on Safari and hit the call button. After several seconds, a woman was able to give me some answers.
“She’s on the neuro floor. I can give you the room number. Rounds should be in about an hour. Then you’ll be able to talk to the doctors and nurses,” she recommended.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“See? We’ll eat. We’ll feed and change Rip. We’ll go to the hospital.” He shrugged like this was no big deal.
“Then what?” I asked.
“Then we wait to hear what the doctor says and we take it from there.” He grinned.
I tried to breathe deeply. I wanted to be relaxed about this, but it was impossible. DeSean could be cool. His life wasn’t lying in a hospital bed. He hadn’t just found out he was a father and then had to step in and be a single dad. He didn’t have to figure out how to care for an infant, support the love of his life while she lay unconscious in a hospital bed, and fulfill his contract with the label. My head pounded and my heart ached.
The elevator doors opened and DeSean stepped aside so I could push the stroller out onto the main floor. In the lobby, our friends stood there waiting for us. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I barely knew most of them. We’d only crossed paths at a few gatherings.
Leo turned and was the first to greet me. “Well, if it isn’t the newest single dad.” He chuckled. “Welcome to the club.”
Pax moved closer. “It’s a good club to be in,” he murmured as he threw an arm around my shoulder. “Good luck finding more love and support anywhere than in this circle.”
I looked around at all the faces smiling and nodding me at me. For the first time since the accident, I began to believe I could survive this. These people were going to be here for me and Ripley…and Lauryn, too.
DeSean grabbed my neck. “We got you. You got us.”
I swallowed hard before whispering, “I can do this.”
7
Tradd
“You need to call your manager and your publicist, give them a heads up,” DeSean urged as we climbed into the car after breakfast.
This was the most relaxed I’d been since the accident. My stomach was full because everyone helped out. Then I managed to change Ripley without incident. And finally, he’d eaten and settled in nicely. The minute he wrapped his fingers around one of mine, my heart raced. I’d been claimed. My son was comfortable with me.
“Are you even listening to me, Tradd?” DeSean sighed. “You been in a fog since little man touched you.” He shook his head.
“I know.” I huffed.
“Which part? You calling them?” He frowned.
I shook my head. “Not yet. We don’t know anything yet. Ross will just freak out and Julian…fuck, I don’t even want to think about Julian.”
“Aw, he means well, he’s just a little high-strung.” DeSean chuckled.
“Man, he’s a damn nightmare and you know it,” I grumbled. When I peeked over at him, I realized he was looking at me strangely. “What?”
“Your face.” He frowned.
“What about it?” I smirked and looked away.
“You didn’t shave.” DeSean sighed. “You look like a rock star who has been partying too hard.”
“Or maybe I look like a rock star who’s a suddenly single dad.” I glared at him. “And for the record, Lauryn loved my scruff. She used to run her hands over it. I…I just thought…” My voice trailed off. In my mind, I imagined rubbing her hand against my cheek, and then she’d wake up and smile at me. Everything would be perfect.
“I don’t think it’s going to be that simple.” He laid a hand on my shoulder. “Let’s go find out. Then we’ll work through this together.”
&nb
sp; I nodded sadly. I wasn’t ready to be disappointed any further. I stepped out of the car and turned to the backseat. “I’m not sure about the stroller today.”
“I’ll help you set it up. You were getting better earlier. Losing your nerve?” He frowned as he opened the trunk, ready to pull it out.
“It’s not that.” I rubbed my forehead. “Look around.” I gestured and hoped he saw what I did. After all, he was security. This was his thing.
“Paparazzi.” DeSean tugged on his chin. “So, want me to pull around to a different entrance or something?”
I shook my head. “I just want to protect him. Where’s that wrap thing? I can hide Ripley against me. Protect him from the cameras. You can block in front of us.”
His smile thinned. “I don’t know about this. I never used one. Tegyn does it like some damn pro, but I never paid attention.”
“How hard can it be?” I shrugged. “We’re smart. We’re tough. We can figure this out.”
He pulled the wrap from the trunk and we started to unfold it. By the time we were done, it was roughly eight feet long. “You sure about this?”
Rubbing the back of my neck, I mumbled, “Let’s Google it.”
We found lots of instructions and even a video, but somehow, doing it ourselves was the challenge. “We been at this for twenty minutes,” DeSean complained. “The paparazzi may already have pictures of this.” He chuckled.
“I got it. I’ll hold Ripley against my chest. You wrap this around us like you would a sprained ankle. We’ll tuck it or wrap it around my neck or something. Then we’re going in. I need to speak to some doctors.” I leaned into the car, pulled my sleeping son from his car seat and with a wary look, DeSean followed my instructions.
“What do you want to do with this extra?” he asked. “It’s a lot to tuck.”