by Lee Walsh
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The war had started and finished when I was just ninety-three years old – a teenager in wizard terms, and my attitude was similar to that of any other teenager. I knew everything and let everyone know that I knew everything. I was lazy and unkept but my beard was useful for snacks.
Frequenting my local pub after work, I befriended a number of other wizards who hated the system as much as me. We met every Thursday evening in 'The Jolly Olde Pig' to discuss how bad life was and generally moan about the elves, the goblins, the orcs, the taxes, and eventually we'd get on to more serious and pressing topics such as the price of beer in the pub since the elves took control.
After some time, we decided that our group needed a name.
“The Angry Wizards,” Billy Tart suggested. Billy was a bit of funny-looking wizard. He was short and skinny with a shaved head and no beard. His robe was passed down by his father and his father's father before him. A robe once red in colour had faded to a pink colour with stains down the front from his food. He lived on the poorer side of Ecklewood and it was clear.
“No, too obvious,” Eric Grindstone said. Eric was the leader of the group. A self-proclaimed anarchist with a bad temper. Eric was infamous in Ecklewood and even the orcs who patrolled the streets feared him. He was tall and handsome with gelled-back black hair. Almost to a point that it created a certain tightness in his forehead glueing his eyebrows above what would be called a normal height. He had a different robe for every day of the week and the robes were all of the finest material. “We need something a little bit, I don't know, less obvious,” Eric continued.
“What about 'The Slightly Less Than Angry Wizards With A Grudge Against The System'?” Billy asked.
“Too long,” Eric batted that one down quickly.
“W.W.F.?” Billy said. “Wizards With Fury.”
“Not bad, little Billy, not bad at all,” Eric nodded in agreement.
“I think that's already taken,” Wanda piped up. Wanda Rangalf; a good witch who was distinctively average-looking but with an extremely good sense of style and heightened intelligence. She fashioned her style on the humans who she liked to watch from time to time through her crystal ball. “I quite like the idea of 'Wizards on a Rampage', though,” Wanda said.
“Oh! I like that!” I said. Most of the time, I agreed with Wanda. She always knew what to say when the others didn't. She had got us out of so many tricky situations in the past. Like the time Eric had a drunken fight with a goblin and started spinning the little fellow around by the ears before launching him through the pub window. And the day Eric magicked away some patrolling orcs' legs. All kinds of funny and cruel at the same time. There was another time too when we were all together in the pub and Eric managed to pick an argument with an elf who was there on business.
“You pointy-eared, arrogant, idiot,” Eric had shouted across the bar. “How dare you walk into our pub and start drinking our beer like you're all innocent. You elves, you're nothing but a bunch of inbred control freaks.” The elf became mildly annoyed at Eric's rant. Mildly annoyed was all elves ever became but it was enough. Eric was sent to prison that night with no supper.
Come to think about it, of all the situations that Wanda had got us out of, I don't think Eric and beer were the perfect match.
“Wizards of Rampage is perfect,” Billy said.
“Not Wizards of Rampage, Wizards on a Rampage,” Wanda answered.
“Wizards on a Rampage, it definitely suits us and our mission,” Eric said. “But with you here, Wanda, wouldn't you prefer Witches and Wizards on a Rampage?”
“No, it's all right. I'm used to getting oppressed by men, they're almost as bad as elves,” Wanda answered.
Thus, we became Wizards on a Rampage and we had a mission to complete. To finally get round to raising our own petition to lower the price of our beer. Oh, and maybe do something about the elven control we had been subjected to for so long.
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The town of Ecklewood was a small town. It had all the right things a small town should have had and had them all in the right places. It lay on the northwestern side of Mayr and wasn't too far from the elven city of Ark-Gaiu.
Ark-Gaiu was the capital of Mayr and like most capital cities, it was bustling and thriving with a mixture of races emigrating there with the hope of making it big. Goblins were the only race whoever made it big. They concentrated on one field of study and never changed. As their life expectancy was in excess of one thousand years, they could afford to study their profession for centuries and ultimately, most of them became experts.
The dwarfs lived in a town not far from the orcish mountains where the orcs lived – inventively named 'The Big Mountains', their town was called Raggar after their most famous king who had died in battle between the orcs and dwarves thousands of years before.
Nobody actually knows where the goblins started but rumours have it they were born in some underground catacombs and surfaced centuries later to complain about the noise levels above ground.
The Wizards on a Rampage met in the pub every Thursday to discuss the situation with the hope that one of us would have been able to come up with something to end the oppression. We never got round to doing much about it though and just called it Thirsty Thursday. Wanda always brought her crystal ball so we could all watch the humans. It was like watching our favourite soap opera but with less drama.
On one particular Thursday in the height of January, we met and we drank.
“I wish the humans would do something about their lives,” Wanda said with a sigh, gazing into the ball.
“Agreed. They just go about their short lives doing little of importance and absolutely nothing about the authorities or the lives they lead. Did you know that they rarely live beyond one hundred years? They don't even have magic,” Eric said.
“Let's go there,” said Billy with an excited smile and clapping his hands.
“Absolutely not,” Eric replied. “We can't just pick up and go into the humans' realm. You know what happened to the others who did that.”
“Yeah, but we're the Wizards on a Rampage, nothing bad is gonna 'appen to us,” claimed Billy.
“Do you know what happened to the others, Billy?” I replied.
Billy paused for a moment in deep thought, the cogs were ticking around in his head before he realised he knew nothing, “no, what 'appened?”
“They lost their powers, lost everything. Then they were put into homes for the clinically insane and went insane while spending time in those homes. Anyone would go insane when surrounded by already insane humans for extended periods of time,” I explained.
“Percy is right,” Wanda affirmed. “If we went there, we'd be locked up and they'd throw away the key.”
“We need to concentrate our efforts closer to home, I think,” Eric said. “We're the Wizards on a Rampage. We need to do something about these damn elves before it's too late.”
“What do you mean 'before it's too late?” Billy quizzed.
“I don't know,” answered Eric. “It just seemed right to say at that moment.”
The four of us drank more and discussed the trials and tribulations of the pitiful humans. They were such a silly race. Forgetting the very magic they'd had in the past and just working endlessly until they were nearly dead. It was irony in its truest form that they worked tirelessly to pay the taxman to have a good retirement plan and when they stopped working, they were too old to actually doing anything with their free time. No wonder they'd forgotten magic.
Humans weren't like wizards, they looked like wizards and a certain few acted like wizards but they most certainly had no magic in them, none at all.
We spent the rest of the night deliberating over what could be done to counter the oppression from the elves. The Wizards on a Rampage eventually decided to have a meeting to start talking about what was to be done and how it was to be done the following Thursday. We had arranged the same the previous Thursday and the Thursday before that. T
he Wizards on a Rampage had no rampage and, to be honest, we could have hardly called ourselves wizards with the lack of magic we actually used. The 'not-quite-wizards on a not-quite-rampage' didn't have as nice of a ring to it.
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THE MISSION
The newly formed gang had an incredible collection of the evilest minds in the realm. They took to the streets and caused havoc wherever they went.
“Would you stop that?” pleaded Percy. “You're making it sound like we were the local mafia of the realm or something. We were nothing more than a collection of people who were a little disgruntled at the price of the beer.”
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THE WIZARDS ON a Rampage were dedicated to the cause and turned up every Thursday without fail to discuss the oppression that had forced itself upon us. We weren't angry about it, but we were disappointed.
Eric Grindstone, a man with a burning ambition to bring down the ruling elves. A wizard of the finest quality and an anarchist. He even had a black handkerchief to symbolise his black flag political stance.
Wanda Rangalf, a woman who knew what she was talking about. A witch by trade and a woman who could have passed as a human. Wanda was sick of the oppression of elves and men alike.
Billy Tart, the silliest bugger with the silliest ideas.
And I, Perseus 'Percy' Sunsword, a wizard of average intelligence, average looks, average height and average weight. I wasn't remarkable in the slightest, but at least now I had some friends.
“Wizards,” Eric said.
“And witch,” Wanda interrupted.
“Fine, wizards and witches, I have...”
“There's only one of me,” Wanda said. Eric rolled his eyes.
“Wizards and witch,” Eric continued, “I have a fantastic idea which will once and for all bring down the elves and we shall rule the whole of Mayr.”
“What's that then?” Billy's eyes lit up.
“Well, it starts with this...” Eric continued.
“Wouldn't it be better if we just called me a wizard?” Wanda again interrupted.
“Will you let me finish?” Eric said through his pearly teeth.
“This is serious,” Wanda said. “We need a proper way to address proper people. Being a woman and a witch, I have been oppressed for such a long time and I think it's about time I took a stance against this.”
“We're not oppressing you, Wanda. Now let Eric finish,” I said. Wanda folded her arms and sat back in her chair with a sharp 'hmph' through her nose and a shrug of the shoulders. Everybody knows that a witch's hair changes colour depending on their mood and her hair went purple – an obvious sign of it being one of those weeks that she shouldn't have come to the pub.
“Right, my friends, let me show you this,” Eric pulled out a map of Mayr and lay it on the table. It was a tattered old map; hand-drawn but with all the correct names in the correct places, just as a map should be. “This is where we begin,” he pointed to Ecklewood in the top left corner. “We will start right here and work our way to Ark-Gaiu. We will climb their walls, infiltrate their city and take over their throne and become overall rulers of Mayr.”
“Yeah!” Billy exclaimed as his fist pumped the air and hit him on the chin. “That's an amazing idea.”
“And how, exactly, do we infiltrate into their city and overthrow the elves? There are only four of us,” Wanda inquired.
“I haven't got that far yet, but I have a plan at least,” Eric said.
Eric had a good idea, we'd just walk to Ark-Gaiu, climb over the city walls with our magical ladders, send the guards to sleep using magic, we'd quietly make our way to the castle, kill the king and queen and then claim the throne as our own and there would be no retaliation at all. A wonderful idea by anyone's standards and not in the least bit too extravagant.
“Why don't we have a meeting next week to talk about it properly?” Eric asked.
“Because it isn't a good idea,” Wanda said. “It's something to do with the whole idea of it ultimately getting us killed the moment we leave Ecklewood. I'm not really in the mood to die yet. Are you forgetting the guards here, Eric?”
“Oh yeah,” Eric said lowering his head. “Didn't think of those. Bloody orcs!”
“We could watch the humans,” Billy came up with the best plan of the evening.
We continued watching the humans in Wanda's magic crystal ball every Thursday. The Wizards and Witch on a Rampage were rampaging through our Thursday evenings like no other. The humans became our only interesting thing to watch. Since the takeover of the elves, our own soap operas were stopped for nothing more than propaganda depicting the glory of the elves and their ever-lasting presence. Depicting how they were helping us progress ourselves and make better wizards for the good of everyone.
“I wish it was possible to go there and be with the humans,” Billy said gazing at the humans and their simple lives.
“I know,” Wanda agreed. “But that's almost as bad as Eric's idea.”
“I think I have a plan,” I said.
“No,” Wanda said abruptly.
“No what? You haven't heard my plan yet,” I replied.
“It's a bad plan whatever plan it is. Your plans are always rubbish and it will probably result in us getting killed or drunk and we should most definitely not do it,” said Wanda.
“At least hear me out,” I pleaded.
The four of us talked about humans and the lives they were leading. Our realm was so different from theirs. When the last wizards escaped there, they were locked up but they weren't to know how the humans would react to magic being used and strange people wearing strange clothes.
My plan was simple, we could go there dressed as humans and not use magic. Wanda could dye her hair so it didn't change colour depending on her mood and we'd be fine there. We could have a closer look at them and maybe, just maybe, slowly take magic back into their lives which would, in turn, allow us to escape the elves and retain our magic. I was sure the humans would have appreciated it in the long run.
“We'll discuss it in more detail next Thursday,” Eric suggested.
“No,” Wanda said. “We're always putting things off until the next week and never actually do anything about anything. The time for action is now and this plan is one that I actually agree with.” I loved it when she talked like this, even more so when she agreed with something I'd said.
“Exactly,” I said. “Something needs to be done about all these elves and their controlling ways and needs to be done now.”
The others nodded their head in agreement. “Hear, hear,” rang out across the table and I felt a certain degree of pride come over me for the first time in my life.
“Yes, I guess, it's finally time for us to become what we were always meant to be – Wizards on a Rampage,” Eric said.
“Yay!” said Billy with the widest grin he'd ever let out.
Our plan was now in place. Eric's father was one of the maintenance guys who worked on keeping the fabric intact and Wanda was the type of woman who could distract the guards when we tore the fabric. I was a wizard of average proportions and an average knowledge level of how to get things done. Billy was Billy.
“So, we'll meet here next week and discuss how to get this plan in motion,” Eric said. Wanda, looking disgruntled at this, heard the last orders bell ring in the pub and begrudgingly agreed.
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Thursday came and the four of us met once again to discuss the plan which I had come up with the previous week. We always spoke of plans and action but rarely did anything about it. This week felt different. We each agreed to our roles, despite Wanda's claim of sexism at play.
“Just because I'm female, I have to be the person who distracts the guards? This isn't fair,” she argued.
“Wanda, you're the only one of us who has the assets to do so. You know what orcs are like,” I said. She didn't answer. She knew I was right.
We concluded our meeting that Thursday in agreement that the following Thursday was the day we would s
tart. Our ideas and thoughts would be put in motion and we would finally go to the human world.
Eric's father had told him about a weakness in the fabric in an alleyway behind Pete the Black's shop where a previous wizard had escaped to the human realm during The Great War.
Billy kept a watchful eye on the main street while Eric and I combined our magic to begin the process of opening up a hole in the fabric. Wanda went into the shop to keep an eye on some orcs that stood guard within. Should they notice us, she would have to use her two almighty body parts which were the ultimate powers of distraction.
The wind became stronger and the rain became heavier as the night went on. Our work was almost complete and as we were chanting, a blue light began to glow in the back street. A hole was beginning to appear and we could just about make out the human world on the other side; blue skies and an empty grass field.
The hole was getting bigger and the orcs noticed. Wanda removed one shoe to distract them and they latched on to her left foot with their slithery tongues. She looked over at us with the face of a woman whose foot had been raped.
There was an almighty bang in the alley which distracted the orcs from their distraction. The explosion threw me and Eric to the ground. Wanda ran out of the shop and away from the orcs with one less shoe. A huge gaping hole had appeared and we could now see the clear and sunny day in a grassy field on the other side.
First to jump through the tear was Eric and he did so without hesitation. Wanda was next through the hole and was quickly followed by two orcs who had barged past me. Wizards in the human realm were one thing, I couldn't imagine how orcs would be taken in the human realm.
“Billy, come on!” I shouted. Billy was still on the corner of the alley keeping a lookout but if anyone had been around the area. I think an enormous explosion, a great big blue light, and a large hole in the fabric of our realm would have given us away a little. “Billy! Jump through the hole!”