Good Omens

by Terry David John Pratchett

  "You know," he concluded, after a while, "I think he actually looks like an Adam."

  – – -

  It had not been a dark and stormy night.

  The dark and stormy night occurred two days later, about four hours after both Mrs. Dowling and Mrs. Young and their respective babies had left the building. It was a particularly dark and stormy night, and just after midnight, as the storm reached its height, a bolt of lightning struck the Convent of the Chattering Order, setting fire to the roof of the vestry.

  No one was badly hurt by the fire, but it went on for some hours, doing a fair amount of damage in the process.

  The instigator of the fire lurked on a nearby hilltop and watched the blaze. He was tall, thin, and a Duke of Hell. It was the last thing that needed to be done before his return to the nether regions, and he had done it.

  He could safely leave the rest to Crowley.

  Hastur went home.

  – – -

  Technically Aziraphale was a Principality, but people made jokes about that these days.

  On the whole, neither he nor Crowley would have chosen each other's company, but they were both men, or at least men‑shaped crea­tures, of the world, and the Arrangement had worked to their advantage all this time. Besides, you grew accustomed to the only other face that had been around more or less consistently for six millennia.

  The Arrangement was very simple, so simple in fact that it didn't really deserve the capital letter, which it had got for simply being in exis­tence for so long. It was the sort of sensible arrangement that many iso­lated agents, working in awkward conditions a long way from their superi­ors, reach with their opposite number when they realize that they have more in common with their immediate opponents than their remote allies. It meant a tacit non‑interference in certain of each other's activities. It made certain that while neither really won, also neither really lost, and both were able to demonstrate to their masters the great strides they were making against a cunning and well‑informed adversary.

  It meant that Crowley had been allowed to develop Manchester, while Aziraphale had a free hand in the whole of Shropshire. Crowley took Glasgow, Aziraphale had Edinburgh (neither claimed any responsibility for Milton Keynes,[7] but both reported it as a success).

  And then, of course, it had seemed even natural that they should, as it were, hold the fort for one another whenever common sense dictated. Both were of angel stock, after all. If one was going to Hull for a quick temptation, it made sense to nip across the city and carry out a standard brief moment of divine ecstasy. It'd get done anyway, and being sensible about it gave everyone more free time and cut down on expenses.

  Aziraphale felt the occasional pang of guilt about this, but centuries of association with humanity was having the same effect on him as it was on Crowley, except in the other direction.

  Besides, the Authorities didn't seem to care much who did any­thing, so long as it got done.

  Currently, what Aziraphale was doing was standing with Crowley by the duck pond in St. James' Park. They were feeding the ducks.

  The ducks in St. James' Park are so used to being fed bread by secret agents meeting clandestinely that they have developed their own Pavlovian reaction. Put a St. James' Park duck in a laboratory cage and show it a picture of two men‑one usually wearing a coat with a fur collar, the other something somber with a scarf‑and it'll look up expectantly. The Russian cultural Attachés black bread is particularly sought after by the more discerning duck, while the head of M19's soggy Hovis with Marmite is relished by the connoisseurs.

  Aziraphale tossed a crust to a scruffy‑looking drake, which caught it and sank immediately.

  The angel turned to Crowley.

  "Really, my dear," he murmured.

  "Sorry," said Crowley. "I was forgetting myself." The duck bobbed angrily to the surface.

  "Of course, we knew something was going on," Aziraphale said. "But one somehow imagines this sort of thing happening in America. They go in for that sort of thing over there."

  "It might yet do, at that," said Crowley gloomily. He gazed thoughtfully across the park to the Bentley, the back wheel of which was being industriously clamped.

  "Oh, yes. The American diplomat," said the angel. "Rather showy, one feels. As if Armageddon was some sort of cinematographic show that you wish to sell in as many countries as possible."

  "Every country," said Crowley. "The Earth and all the kingdoms thereof."

  Aziraphale tossed the last scrap of bread at the ducks, who went off to pester the Bulgarian naval Attaché and a furtive‑looking man in a Cam­bridge tie, and carefully disposed of the paper bag in a wastepaper bin.

  He turned and faced Crowley.

  "We'll win, of course," he said.

  "You don't want that," said the demon.

  "Why not, pray?"

  "Listen," said Crowley desperately, "how many musicians do you think your side have got, eh? First grade, I mean."

  Aziraphale looked taken aback.

  "Well, I should think‑" he began.

  "Two," said Crowley. "Elgar and Liszt. That's all. We've got the rest. Beethoven, Brahms, all the Bachs, Mozart, the lot. Can you imagine eternity with Elgar?"

  Aziraphale shut his eyes. "All too easily," he groaned.

  "That's it, then," said Crowley, with a gleam of triumph. He knew Aziraphale's weak spot all right. "No more compact discs. No more Al­bert Hall. No more Proms. No more Glyndbourne. Just celestial harmo­nies all day long."

  "Ineffable," Aziraphale murmured.

  "Like eggs without salt, you said. Which reminds me. No salt, no eggs. No gravlax with dill sauce. No fascinating little restaurants where they know you. No Daily Telegraph crossword. No small antique shops. No bookshops, either. No interesting old editions. No"‑Crowley scraped the bottom of Aziraphale's barrel of interests‑"Regency silver snuff­boxes . . ."

  "But after we win life will be better!" croaked the angel.

  "But it won't be as interesting. Look, you know I'm right. You'd be as happy with a harp as I'd be with a pitchfork."

  "You know we don't play harps."

  "And we don't use pitchforks. I was being rhetorical."

  They stared at one another.

  Aziraphale spread his elegantly manicured hands.

  "My people are more than happy for it to happen, you know. It's what it's all about, you see. The great final test. Flaming swords, the Four Horsemen, seas of blood, the whole tedious business." He shrugged.

  "And then Game Over, Insert Coin?" said Crowley.

  "Sometimes I find your methods of expression a little difficult to follow."

  "I like the seas as they are. It doesn't have to happen. You don't have to test everything to destruction just to see if you made it right."

  Aziraphale shrugged again.

  "That's ineffable wisdom for you, I'm afraid." The angel shud­dered, and pulled his coat around him. Gray clouds were piling up over the city.

  "Let's go somewhere warm," he said.

  "You're asking me?" said Crowley glumly.

  They walked in somber silence for a while.

  "It's not that I disagree with you," said the angel, as they plodded across the grass. "It's just that I'm not allowed to disobey. You know that."

  "Me too," said Crowley.

  Aziraphale gave him a sidelong glance. "Oh, come now," he said, "you're a demon, after all."

  "Yeah. But my people are only in favor of disobedience in general terms. It's specific disobedience they come down on heavily."

  "Such as disobedience to themselves?"

  "You've got it. You'd be amazed. Or perhaps you wouldn't be. How long do you think we've got?" Crowley waved a hand at the Bentley, which unlocked its doors.

  "The prophecies differ," said Aziraphale, sliding into the passenger seat. "Certainly until the end of the century, although we may expect certain phenomena before then. Most of the prophets of the past millen­nium were more concerned with scansion than acc
uracy."

  Crowley pointed to the ignition key. It turned.

  "What?" he said.

  "You know," said the angel helpfully, " 'And thee Worlde Unto An Ende Shall Come, in tumpty‑tumpty‑tumpty One.' Or Two, or Three, or whatever. There aren't many good rhymes for Six, so it's probably a good year to be in."

  "And what sort of phenomena?"

  "Two‑headed calves, signs in the sky, geese flying backwards, showers of fish. That sort of thing. The presence of the Antichrist affects the natural operation of causality."

  "Hmm."

  Crowley put the Bentley in gear. Then he remembered something. He snapped his fingers.

  The wheel clamps disappeared.

  "Let's have lunch," he said. "I owe you one from, when was it . . . "

  "Paris, 1793," said Aziraphale.

  "Oh, yes. The Reign of Terror. Was that one of yours, or one of ours?"

  "Wasn't it yours?"

  "Can't recall. It was quite a good restaurant, though."

  As they drove past an astonished traffic warden his notebook spon­taneously combusted, to Crowley's amazement.

  "I'm pretty certain I didn't mean to do that," he said.

  Aziraphale blushed.

  "That was me," he said. "I had always thought that your people invented them."

  "Did you? We thought they were yours."

  Crowley stared at the smoke in the rearview mirror.

  "Come on," he said. "Let's do the Ritz."

  Crowley had not bothered to book. In his world, table reservations were things that happened to other people.

  - – -

  Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second‑hand book seller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleas­ant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours‑he was incredi­bly good at it.

  He had been collecting for a long time, and, like all collectors, he specialized.

  He had more than sixty books of predictions concerning develop­ments in the last handful of centuries of the second millennium. He had a penchant for Wilde first editions. And he had a complete set of the Infa­mous Bibles, individually named from error's in typesetting.

  These Bibles included the Unrzghteous Bible, so called from a printer's error which caused it to proclaim, in I Corinthians, "Know ye not that the unrighteous shall inherit the Kingdom of God?"; and the Wicked Bible, printed by Barker and Lucas in 1632, in which the word not was omitted from the seventh commandment:, making it "Thou shaft com­mit Adultery." There were the Discharge bible, the Treacle Bible, the Standing Fishes Bible, the Charing Cross Bible and the rest. Aziraphale had them all. Even the very rarest, a Bible published in 1651 by the Lon­don publishing firm of Bilton and Scaggs.

  It had been the first of their three great publishing disasters.

  The book was commonly known as the Buggre Alle This Bible. The lengthy compositor's error, if such it may be called, occurs in the book of Ezekiel, chapter 48, verse five.

  2. And bye the border of Dan, from rne the east side to the west side, a portion for Afher.

  3. And bye the border of Afher, fromme the east side even untoe the west side, a portion for Naphtali.

  4. And bye the border of Naphtali from the east side un­toe the west side, a portion for Manaff 'eh.

  5. Buggre Alle this for a Larke 1 amme sick to mye Hart of typefettinge. Master Biltonn if no Gentelmann, and Master Scagges noe more than a tighte fisted Southwarke Knobbefticke. I telle you, onne a daye laike thif Ennywone withe half an oz of Sense shoulde bee oute in the Sun­neshain, ane nott Stucke here alle the liuelong dale inn thif mowldey olde By‑Our‑Lady Workefhoppe -

  FUCK IT !!!

  6. And bye the border of Ephraim, from the east fide even untoe the west fide, a portion for Reuben[8].

  Bilton and Scaggs' second great publishing disaster occurred in 1653. By a stroke of rare good fortune they had obtained one of the famed

  "Lost Quartos"‑the three Shakespeare plays never reissued in folio edi­tion, and now totally lost to scholars and playgoers. Only their names have come down to us. This one was Shakespeare's earliest play, The Comedie of Robin Hoode, or, The Forest of Sherwoode. [9]

  Master Bilton had paid almost six guineas for the quarto, and be­lieved he could make nearly twice that much back on the hardcover folio alone.

  Then he lost it.

  Bilton and Scaggs' third great publishing disaster was never en­tirely comprehensible to either of them. Everywhere you looked, books of prophecy were selling like crazy. The English edition of Nostradamus' Centuries had just gone into its third printing, and five Nostradamuses, all claiming to be the only genuine one, were on triumphant signing tours. And Mother Shipton's Collection of Prophecies was sprinting out of the shops.

  Each of the great London publishers‑there were eight of them­had at least one Book of Prophecy on its list. Every single one of the books was wildly inaccurate, but their air of vague and generalized omnipotence made them immensely popular. They sold in the thousands, and in the tens of thousands.

  "It is a licence to printe monney!" said Master Bilton to Master Scaggs.[10] "The public are crying out for such rubbishe! We must straight­way printe a booke of prophecie by some hagge!"

  The manuscript arrived at their door the next morning; the au­thor's sense of timing, as always, was exact.

  Although neither Master Bilton nor Master Scaggs realized it, the manuscript they had been sent was the sole prophetic work in all of human history to consist entirely of completely correct predictions concerning the following three hundred and forty‑odd years, being a precise and accurate description of the events that would culminate in Armageddon. It was on the money in every single detail.

  It was published by Bilton and Scaggs in September 1655, in good time for the Christmas trade,[11] and it was the first book printed in En­gland to be remaindered.

  It didn't sell.

  Not even the copy in the tiny Lancashire shop with "Locale Au­thor" on a piece of cardboard next to it.

  The author of the book, one Agnes Nutter, was not surprised by this, but then, it would have taken an awful lot to surprise Agnes Nutter.

  Anyway, she had not written it for the sales, or the royalties, or even for the fame. She had written it for the single gratis copy of the book that an author was entitled to.

  No one knows what happened to the legions of unsold copies of her book. Certainly none remain in any museums or private collections. Even Aziraphale does not possess a copy, but would go weak at the knees at the thought of actually getting his exquisitely manicured hands on one.

  In fact, only one copy of Agnes Nutter's prophecies remained in the entire world.

  It was on a bookshelf about forty miles away from where Crowley and Aziraphale were enjoying a rather good lunch and, metaphorically, it had just begun to tick.

  – – -

  And now it was three o'clock. The Antichrist had been on Earth for fifteen hours, and one angel and one demon had been drinking solidly for three of them.

  They sat opposite one another in the back room of Aziraphale's dingy old bookshop in Soho.

  Most bookshops in Soho have back rooms, and most of the back rooms are filled with rare, or at least very expensive, books. But Aziraphale's books didn't have illustrations. They had old brown covers and crackling pages. Occasionally, if he had no alternative, he'd sell one.

  And, occasionally, serious men in dark suits would come calling and suggest, very politely, that perhaps he'd like to sell the shop itself so that it could be turned into the kind of retail outlet more suited to the area. Sometimes they'd offer cash, in large rolls of grubby fifty‑pound notes. Or, sometimes, while they were talking, other men in dark glasses would wander around the shop shaking their heads and saying how inflammable p
aper was, and what a fire trap he had here.

  And Aziraphale would nod and smile and say that he'd think about it. And then they'd go away. And they'd never come back

  Just because you're an angel doesn't mean you have to be a fool.

  The table in front of the two of them was covered with bottles.

  "The point is," said Crowley, "the point is. The point is." He tried to focus on Aziraphale.

  "The point is," he said, and tried to think of a point.

  "The point I'm trying to make," he said, brightening, "is the dol­phins. That's my point."

  "Kind of fish," said Aziraphale.

  "Nononono," said Crowley, shaking a finger. "'S mammal. Your actual mammal. Difference is‑" Crowley waded through the swamp of his mind and tried to remember the difference. "Difference is, they‑"

  "Mate out of water?" volunteered Aziraphale.

  Crowley's brow furrowed. "Don't think so. Pretty sure that's not it. Something about their young. Whatever." He pulled himself together. "The point is. The point is. Their brains."

  He reached for a bottle.

  "What about their brains?" said the angel.

  "Big brains. That's my point. Size of. Size of. Size of damn big brains. And then there's the whales. Brain city, take it from me. Whole damn sea full of brains."

  "Kraken," said Aziraphale, staring moodily into his glass.

  Crowley gave him the long cool look of someone who has just had a girder dropped in front of his train of thought.

  "Uh?"

  "Great big bugger," said Aziraphale. "Sleepeth beneath the thunders of the upper deep. Under loads of huge and unnumbered polypol‑polipo‑bloody great seaweeds, you know. Supposed to rise to the sur­face right at the end, when the sea boils."

  "Yeah?"

  "Fact."

  "There you are, then," said Crowley, sitting back. "Whole sea bub­bling, poor old dolphins so much seafood gumbo, no one giving a damn. Same with gorillas. Whoops, they say, sky gone all red, stars crashing to ground, what they putting in the bananas these days? And then‑"

  "They make nests, you know, gorillas," said the angel, pouring another drink and managing to hit the glass on the third go.