Good Omens

by Terry David John Pratchett

  Anyway, it was rumored that someone over in United Consolidated had done his promotion prospects a considerable amount of good by the anonymous application of a high‑speed earful of paint to an immediate superior, causing the latter to complain of little ringing noises in important meetings and eventually to be replaced on medical grounds.

  And there were his fellow trainees‑fellow sperms, to switch meta­phors, all struggling forward in the knowledge that there could only ever be one Chairman of Industrial Holdings (Holdings) PLC, and that the job would probably go to the biggest prick.

  Of course, some girl with a clipboard from Personnel had told them that the courses they were going on were just to establish leadership poten­tial, group cooperation, initiative, and so on. The trainees had tried to avoid one another's faces.

  It had worked quite well so far. The white‑water canoeing had taken care of Johnstone (punctured eardrum) and the mountain climbing in Wales had done for Whittaker (groin strain).

  Tompkins thumbed another paint pellet into the gun and muttered business mantras to himself. Do Unto Others Before They Do Unto You. Kill or Be Killed. Either Shit or Get Out of the Kitchen. Survival of the Fittest. Make My Day.

  He crawled a little nearer to the figures by the statue. They didn't seem to have noticed him.

  When the available cover ran out, he took a deep breath and leapt to his feet.

  "Okay, douchebags, grab some sk‑ohnoooeeeeee . . ."

  Where one of the figures had been there was something dreadful. He blacked out.

  Crowley restored himself to his favorite shape.

  "I hate having to do that," he murmured. "I'm always afraid I'll forget how to change back. And it can ruin a good suit."

  "I think the maggots were a bit over the top, myself," said Aziraphale, but without much rancor. Angels had certain moral standards to maintain and so, unlike Crowley, he preferred to buy his clothes rather than wish them into being from raw firmament. And the shirt had been quite expensive.

  "I mean, just look at it," he said. "I'll never get the stain out."

  "Miracle it away," said Crowley, scanning the undergrowth for any more management trainees.

  "Yes, but I'll always know the stain was there. You know. Deep down, I mean," said the angel. He picked up the gun and turned it over in his hands. "I've never seen one of these before," he said.

  There was a pinging noise, and the statue beside them lost an ear.

  "Let's not hang around," said Crowley. "He wasn't alone."

  "This is a very odd gun, you know. Very strange."

  "I thought your side disapproved of guns," said Crowley. He took the gun from the angel's plump hand and sighted along the stubby barrel.

  "Current thinking favors them," said Aziraphale. "They lend weight to moral argument. In the right hands, of course."

  "Yeah?" Crowley snaked a hand over the metal. "That's all right, then. Come on."

  He dropped the gun onto the recumbent form of Tompkins and marched away across the damp lawn.

  The front door of the Manor was unlocked. The pair of them walked through unheeded. Some plump young men in army fatigues spat­tered with paint were drinking cocoa out of mugs in what had once been the sisters' refectory, and one or two of them gave them a cheery wave.

  Something like a hotel reception desk now occupied one end of the hall. It had a quietly competent look. Aziraphale gazed at the board on an aluminum easel beside it.

  In little plastic letters let into the black fabric of the board were the words: August 20‑21: United Holdings PLC Initiative Combat Course.

  Meanwhile Crowley had picked up a pamphlet from the desk. It showed glossy pictures of the Manor, with special references to its Jacuzzis and indoor heated swimming pool, and on the back was the sort of map that conference centers always have, which makes use of a careful mis­scaling to suggest that it is handy for every motorway exit in the nation while carefully leaving out the labyrinth of country lanes that in fact sur­rounds it for miles on every side.

  "Wrong place?" said Aziraphale.

  "No."

  "Wrong time, then."

  "Yes." Crowley leafed through the booklet, in the hope of any clue. Perhaps it was too much to hope that the Chattering Order would still be here. After all, they'd done their bit. He hissed softly. Probably they'd gone to darkest America or somewhere, to convert the Christians, but he read on anyway. Sometimes this sort of leaflet had a little historical bit, because the kind of companies that hired places like this for a weekend of Interactive Personnel Analysis or A Conference on the Strategic Market­ing Dynamic liked to feel that they were strategically interacting in the very building‑give or take a couple of complete rebuildings, a civil war, and two major fires‑that some Elizabethan financier had endowed as a plague hospital.

  Not that he was actually expecting a sentence like "until eleven years ago the Manor was used as a convent by an order of Satanic nuns who weren't in fact all that good at it, really," but you never knew.

  A plump man wearing desert camouflage and holding a polystyrene cup of coffee wandered up to them.

  "Who's winning?" he said chummily. "Young Evanson of Forward Planning caught me a right zinger on the elbow, you know."

  "We're all going to lose," said Crowley absently.

  There was a burst of firing from the grounds. Not the snap and zing of pellets, but the full‑throated crackle of aerodynamically shaped bits of lead traveling extremely fast.

  There was an answering stutter.

  The redundant warriors stared one on another. A further burst took out a rather ugly Victorian stained glass window beside the door and stitched a row of holes in the plaster by Crowley's head.

  Aziraphale grabbed his arm.

  "What the hell is it?" he said.

  Crowley smiled like a snake.

  – – -

  Nigel Tompkins had come to with a mild headache and a vaguely empty space in his recent memory. He was not to know that the human brain, when faced with a sight too terrible to contemplate, is remarkably good at scabbing it over with forced forgetfulness, so he put it down to a pellet strike on the head.

  He was vaguely aware that his gun was somewhat heavier, but in his mildly bemused state he did not realize why until some time after he'd pointed it at trainee manager Norman Wethered from Internal Audit and pulled the trigger.

  – – -

  "I don't see why you're so shocked," said Crowley. "He wanted a real gun. Every desire in his head was for a real gun."

  "But you've turned him loose on all those unprotected people!" said Aziraphale.

  "Oh, no," said Crowley. "Not exactly. Fair's fair."

  – – -

  The contingent from Financial Planning were lying flat on their faces in what had once been the haha, although they weren't very amused.

  "I always said you couldn't trust those people from Purchasing," said the Deputy Financial Manager. "The bastards."

  A shot pinged off the wall above him.

  He crawled hurriedly over to the little group clustered around the fallen Wethered.

  "How does it look?" he said.

  The assistant Head of Wages turned a haggard face toward him.

  "Pretty bad," he said. "The bullet went through nearly all of them. Ac­cess, Barclaycard, Diners‑the lot."

  "It was only the American Express Gold that stopped it," said Wethered.

  They looked in mute horror at the spectacle of a credit card wallet with a bullet hole nearly all the way through it.

  "Why'd they do it?" said a wages officer.

  The head of Internal Audit opened his mouth to say something reasonable, and didn't. Everyone had a point where they crack, and his had just been hit with a spoon. Twenty years in the job. He'd wanted to be a graphic designer but the careers master hadn't heard of that. Twenty years of double‑checking Form BF 18. Twenty years of cranking the bloody hand calculator, when even the people in Forward Planning had com­puters. And now for reasons un
known, but possibly to do with reorganiza­tion and a desire to do away with all the expense of early retirement, they were shooting at him with bullets.

  The armies of paranoia marched behind his eyes.

  He looked down at his own gun. Through the mists of rage and bewilderment he saw that it was bigger and blacker than it had been when it was issued to him. It felt heavier, too.

  He aimed it at a bush nearby and watched a stream of bullets blow the bush into oblivion.

  Oh. So that was their game. Well, someone had to win.

  He looked at his men.

  "Okay, guys," he said, "let's get the bastards!"

  – – -

  "The way I see it," said Crowley, "no one has to pull the trigger." He gave Aziraphale a bright and brittle grin.

  "Come on," he said. "Let's have a look around while everyone's busy."

  – – -

  Bullets streaked across the night.

  Jonathan Parker, Purchasing Section, was wriggling through the bushes when one of them put an arm around his neck.

  Nigel Tompkins spat a cluster of rhododendron leaves out of his mouth.

  "Down there it's company law," he hissed, through mud‑encrusted features, "but up here it's me . . ."

  "That was a pretty low trick," said Aziraphale, as they strolled along the empty corridors.

  "What'd I do? What'd I do?" said Crowley, pushing open doors at random.

  "There are people out there shooting one another!"

  "Well, that's just it, isn't it? They're doing it themselves. It's what they really want to do. I just assisted them. Think of it as a microcosm of the universe. Free will for everyone. Ineffable, right?"

  Aziraphale glared.

  "Oh, all right," said Crowley wretchedly. "No one's actually going to get killed. They're all going to have miraculous escapes. It wouldn't be any fun otherwise."

  Aziraphale relaxed. "You know, Crowley," he said, beaming, "I've always said that, deep down inside, you're really quite a‑"

  "All right, all right," Crowley snapped. "Tell the whole blessed world, why don't you?"

  – – -

  After a while, loose alliances began to emerge. Most of the financial departments found they had interests in common, settled their differences, and ganged up on Forward Planning.

  When the first police car arrived, sixteen bullets from a variety of directions had hit it in the radiator before it had got halfway up the drive. Two more took out its radio antenna, but they were too late, too late.

  – – -

  Mary Hodges was just putting down the phone when Crowley opened her office door.

  "It must be terrorists," she snapped. "Or poachers." She peered at the pair of them. "You are the police, aren't you?" she said.

  Crowley saw her eyes begin to widen.

  Like all demons, he had a good memory for faces, even after ten years, the loss of a wimple, and the addition of some rather severe makeup. He snapped his fingers. She settled back in her chair, her face becoming a blank and amiable mask.

  "There was no need for that," said Aziraphale.

  "Good"‑Crowley glanced at his watch‑"morning, ma'am," he said, in a sing‑song voice. "We're just a couple of supernatural entities and we were just wondering if you might help us with the whereabouts of the notorious Son of Satan." He smiled coldly at the angel. "I'll wake her up again, shall I? And you can say it."

  "Well. Since you put it like that . . ." said the angel slowly.

  "Sometimes the old ways are best," said Crowley. He turned to the impassive woman.

  "Were you a nun here eleven years ago?" he said.

  "Yes," said Mary.

  "There!" said Crowley to Aziraphale. "See? I knew I wasn't wrong."

  "Luck of the devil," muttered the angel.

  "Your name then was Sister Talkative. Or something."

  "Loquacious," said Mary Hodges in a hollow voice.

  "And do you recall an incident involving the switching of newborn babies?" said Crowley.

  Mary Hodges hesitated. When she did speak, it was as though memories that had been scabbed over were being disturbed for the first time in years.

  "Yes," she said.

  "Is there any possibility that the switch could have gone wrong in some way?"

  "I do not know."

  Crowley thought for a bit. "You must have had records," he said. "There are always records. Everyone has records these days." He glanced proudly at Aziraphale. "It was one of my better ideas."

  "Oh, yes," said Mary Hodges.

  "And where are they?" said Aziraphale sweetly.

  "There was a fire just after the birth."

  Crowley groaned and threw his hands in the air. "That was Hastur, probably," he said. "It's his style. Can you believe those guys? I bet he thought he was being really clever."

  "Do you recall any details about the other child?" said Aziraphale.

  "Yes."

  "Please tell me."

  "He had lovely little toesie‑wosies."

  "Oh."

  "And he was very sweet," said Mary Hodges wistfully.

  There was the sound of a siren outside, abruptly broken off as a bullet hit it. Aziraphale nudged Crowley.

  "Get a move on," he said. "We're going to be knee‑deep in police at any moment and I will of course be morally obliged to assist them in their enquiries." He thought for a moment. "Perhaps she can remember if there were any other women giving birth that night, and‑"

  There was the sound of running feet downstairs.

  "Stop them," said Crowley. "We need more time!"

  "Any more miracles and we'll really start getting noticed by Up There," said Aziraphale. "If you really want Gabriel or someone wonder­ing why forty policemen have gone to sleep‑"

  "Okay," said Crowley. "That's it. That's it. It was worth a try. Let's get out of here."

  "In thirty seconds you will wake up," said Aziraphale, to the en­tranced ex‑nun. "And you will have had a lovely dream about whatever you like best, and‑"

  "Yes, yes, fine," sighed Crowley. "Now can we go?"

  – – -

  No one noticed them leaving. The police were too busy herding in forty adrenaline‑drunk, fighting‑mad management trainees. Three police vans had gouged tracks in the lawn, and Aziraphale made Crowley back up for the first of the ambulances, but then the Bentley swished into the night. Behind them the summerhouse and gazebo were already ablaze.

  "We've really left that poor woman in a dreadful situation," said the angel.

  "You think?" said Crowley, trying to hit a hedgehog and missing. "Bookings will double, you mark my words. If she plays her cards right, sorts out the waivers, ties up all the legal bits. Initiative training with real guns? They'll form queues."

  "Why are you always so cynical?"

  "I said. Because it's my job."

  They drove in silence for a while. Then Aziraphale said, "You'd think he'd show up, wouldn't you? You'd think we could detect him in some way."

  "He won't show up. Not to us. Protective camouflage. He won't even know it, but his powers will keep him hidden from prying occult forces."

  "Occult forces?"

  "You and me," explained Crowley.

  "I'm not occult," said Aziraphale. "Angels aren't occult. We're ethereal."

  "Whatever," snapped Crowley, too worried to argue.

  "Is there some other way of locating him?"

  Crowley shrugged. "Search me," he said. "How much experience do you think I've got in these matters? Armageddon only happens once, you know. They don't let you go around again until you get it right."

  The angel stared out at the rushing hedgerows.

  "It all seems so peaceful," he said. "How do you think it will happen?"

  "Well, thermonuclear extinction has always been very popular. Al­though I must say the big boys are being quite polite to each other at the moment."

  "Asteroid strike?" said Aziraphale. "Quite the fashion these days, I understand. Strike into the I
ndian Ocean, great big cloud of dust and vapor, goodbye all higher life forms."

  "Wow," said Crowley, taking care to exceed the speed limit. Every little bit helped.

  "Doesn't bear thinking about it, does it," said Aziraphale gloomily.

  "All the higher life forms scythed away, just like that."

  "Terrible."

  "Nothing but dust and fundamentalists."

  "That was nasty."

  "Sorry. Couldn't resist it."

  They stared at the road.

  "Maybe some terrorist‑?" Aziraphale began.

  "Not one of ours," said Crowley.

  "Or ours," said Aziraphale. "Although ours are freedom fighters, of course."

  "I'll tell you what," said Crowley, scorching rubber on the Tadfield bypass. "Cards on the table time. I'll tell you ours if you tell me yours."

  "All right. You first."

  "Oh, no. You first."

  "But you're a demon."

  "Yes, but a demon of my word, I should hope."

  Aziraphale named five political leaders. Crowley named six. Three names appeared on both lists.

  "See?" said Crowley. "It's just like I've always said. They're cun­ning buggers, humans. You can't trust them an inch."

  "But I don't think any of ours have any big plans afoot," said Aziraphale. "Just minor acts of ter‑political protest," he corrected.

  "Ah," said Crowley bitterly. "You mean none of this cheap, mass­produced murder? Just personal service, every bullet individually fired by skilled craftsmen?"

  Aziraphale didn't rise to it. "What are we going to do now?"

  "Try and get some sleep."

  "You don't need sleep. I don't need sleep. Evil never sleeps, and Virtue is ever‑vigilant."

  "Evil in general, maybe. This specific part of it has got into the habit of getting its head down occasionally." He stared into the headlights. The time would come soon enough when sleep would be right out of the question. When those Below found out that he, personally, had lost the Antichrist, they'd probably dig out all those reports he'd done on the Spanish Inquisition and try them out on him, one at a time and then all together.