by Susan Lewis
‘No,’ Kirsten said, brushing the wispy hair from her forehead. ‘None of what Billy told you was true. And I explained what you heard me say to Laurence was only a part of it. We were never going to let you go unless you wanted to.’
Kirsten knew now, because Billy had made a full confession to the police, how cruelly he had fuelled Jane’s fears that she and Laurence were going to dismiss her. How he had worked Jane to such a pitch of desperation that she had lost her precarious grip on what little sanity she had until she’d thought the only way to save herself was to do the same to Kirsten as she’d done to Anna.
‘So Billy didn’t care about me either,’ Jane said softly a single tear sliding from the corner of her eye and running down into her hair. ‘I knew he didn’t. He said that if you did get rid of me I could always go to him, but he didn’t mean it.’
‘We weren’t going to get rid of you,’ Kirsten said. ‘We love you and care for you very much, Jane.’
Slowly Jane shook her head and closed her eyes. ‘You can’t. Not after what I did to you. I know I hurt you, but I don’t remember much about it now. I was frightened. I could hear the baby crying, but I’d killed it. I remember doing that. I threw him against the wall. But it wasn’t a baby, was it? It was a doll. My doll. I’d had it since I was a baby. Did you give him to me, before you gave me away?’
Kirsten didn’t know what to say, so clasping Jane’s hand in both of hers she lifted it to her mouth and kissed it.
‘Mummy?’ Jane said after a while.
‘Mmm?’ Kirsten answered.
Jane opened her eyes. ‘Can I call you Mummy?’ she asked.
Kirsten smiled. ‘If you like.’
‘I know you’re not my mother really,’ Jane said. ‘But I wish you were.’ She turned her head slightly. ‘When I get better, when they let me leave here, can I come and live with you again?’
‘Of course.’ Now was not the time to be telling Jane about the ordeal she would have to face when she was released.
‘And can I pretend that you and Laurence are my parents? I don’t know who my real ones are, but they can’t be as nice as you.’
‘You’ll always be a part of our family,’ Kirsten said.
Jane sighed and closed her eyes again for a while. ‘You know what Laurence told me?’ she whispered.
‘What did he tell you?’
Jane’s lips parted and there was a distant echo of the nervous giggle that was so much a part of her. ‘It was a secret,’ she said. ‘Laurence told me a secret.’
‘Did he?’ Kirsten smiled at the pride in her voice.
‘Do you want to know what it was?’ Her eyes opened. ‘I expect he’s told you by now, but he told me first. He is going to ask you to marry him.’
As Kirsten’s heart turned over a sob rose in her throat. ‘Is he?’ she said.
Jane nodded. ‘It was our secret. Don’t tell him I told you, will you?’
‘No, I won’t tell him,’ Kirsten said, swallowing hard.
‘You should be married if you’re going to have a baby,’ Jane said.
Kirsten looked at her.
‘You are going to have a baby, aren’t you?’
Kirsten smiled. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Yes, I am.’
Jane’s grey eyes widened slightly. ‘You mean you’re already pregnant?’ she said.
For a moment Kirsten looked confused, then realizing that Jane must have forgotten she’d already told her and that her questions were about the future rather than the present she laughed softly. ‘Yes, I’m already pregnant,’ she said.
To her surprise Jane’s eyes filled with tears. ‘Laurence said he wanted a little brother or sister for Tom and now he’s going to have one.’ She started to cry, tiny sobs hiccoughing from the fragile depths of her. ‘You’re all going to be a family and I . . . I . . . What’s going to happen to me, Kirsten? What are they going to do to me?’
‘They’re not going to do anything,’ Kirsten soothed, taking her in her arms as best she could. ‘No one’s going to hurt you, we’re all going to do everything we can to help you.’
‘But I killed two people. I’ve got to be punished for that. I know I have. And I know that Laurence won’t let me see Tom any more and he won’t let me see the new baby either. He’ll be afraid of what I might do. But I didn’t mean to do those things . . . Honestly, Kirsten, I didn’t mean it.’
‘I know you didn’t,’ Kirsten said, hugging her. ‘And Laurence isn’t going to stop you seeing the new baby, I promise you. And we’re not going to be a family without you, Jane. We’re going to be a family together. You me and the baby. Would you like that? Just us three?’
‘But what about Laurence and Tom?’
‘Laurence and Tom are with Pippa, where they belong. And you’re going to be with me, where you belong.’
‘But Laurence and Tom don’t belong with Pippa, they belong with you,’ Jane argued.
‘No, sweetheart. Pippa’s Tom’s mother and he should be with her.’
‘And I should be with you because you’re my mother?’
‘If that’s the way you want it, yes.’
Jane was quiet for so long after that that Kirsten thought she had fallen asleep again. But in the end she spoke. ‘Kirsten,’ she said. ‘If Laurence has left you, if he’s gone back to Pippa and you’re . . . You won’t . . . You won’t do what you did last time to the baby, will you?’
‘No,’ Kirsten assured her. ‘No, I’ll never do that again.’
‘That’s good, because I want to have a little brother or sister. Pippa will give Tom one, and you will give me one.’
‘That’s right,’ Kirsten said knowing that Jane didn’t realize how much those words had hurt.
Jane did sleep then and it was two or more hours before she woke up again. When she did she seemed dazed and disoriented, kept asking Kirsten to tell the baby to stop crying and calling out for Laurence. ‘I want my Daddy,’ she said when Kirsten tried to calm her. ‘I dont want you, I want my Daddy. He loves me, he won’t let you get rid of me.’
She started to shiver, her skin broke out in a sweat, her eyes were dilating and her mouth kept opening and closing in silent screams. Kirsten fetched the doctor and a few minutes later she left knowing there was nothing more she could do that day. It wasn’t unusual for Jane to wake up that way, Kirsten had seen it several times before, though the fever had seemed slightly worse today. She’d call the hospital later to find out how Jane was and then she’d set about finding out just who would be the right psychiatrist to treat her.
The moment she arrived home she knew that Laurence had been. Little things were missing, like the shoes at the bottom of the stairs, the books from the shelves, the old jeans he’d left in the downstairs bathroom to dry. She hunted around to see if there was a note and it was only when she didn’t find one that she realized how desperately she’d wanted one. But maybe there would be one beside the bed. Except right now she just couldn’t bring herself to go upstairs, to find his side of the wardrobe empty, his shaving things gone, his loose change scooped off the dressing table. It would be too painful to look at the bed they had shared and know he wouldn’t lie there any more, to wander into Tom’s room and find all the trains and pictures and other toys gone. Suddenly her heart contracted, so painfully she almost cried out. And she knew then, as she looked at the keys he’d left beside the phone, that this really was the end now. He wouldn’t be coming back, there was no reason to. Of course she could always give him a reason, but she was still resolved never to tell him about the baby.
She thought of Jane then and wondered if she had done the right thing in telling her. It was hard to know, but tomorrow she would ask Jane to keep it as their secret just in case Laurence did go to see her.
Should she, she asked herself, call Laurence and ask him to go? Jane had said several times now that she wanted to see him. Kirsten knew he’d go if she asked him to, but feeling the way she did right now she knew she wasn’t up to speaking to him. If she
did she was sure she’d break down. The house seemed so empty, it was as though he had taken its very soul and all she wanted right now was to beg him to come back. To beg him not to make her face the fact that they would never sleep together again, never eat together, bath together, work together, laugh together or grow old together. For now there was little she could do about the great gulfs of longing that threatened constantly to overwhelm her, nor the panic that suddenly flared as though to consume her. But they would ease in time. Though she must stop those foolish moments when she tried to guess what he might be doing now. Or worse when she pictured him making love to Pippa the way he had with her. It was such torture, such unnecessary torment that she knew she had somehow to control it.
Maybe, she was thinking as she took off her coat and hung it up, she would call Laurence in the morning. By then she might not be feeling so close to the edge. With any luck Thea or Don would answer then she wouldn’t have to speak to Laurence at all. She could just leave a message telling him that Jane wanted to see him. But what if he turned up at the hospital while she was there? What if Pippa answered the phone? Oh dear God, what if Tom did?
No, she wouldn’t call, she’d send a note through the post. In it she’d ask him to let her know when he intended to go and she would stay away that day. She would use the time to go and see her lawyers to find out how things stood with Jane and with the film. Perhaps she would go and clear out her office as well – the lease was due to run out at the end of the month and Vicky had left several messages asking her if she was intending to go in. She’d bring home some cassettes of the rushes, a memento of a career that nearly was. She had no thoughts of a career now. All that mattered now was the baby. And Jane. She swallowed hard on the guilt she felt at being so grateful to Jane for needing her. What had happened to Jane was a tragedy, yet it was Jane’s helplessness that was giving Kirsten the strength to get herself over these first terrible weeks of loss. Poor Jane. She had never known what it was to be loved, to matter as much to someone as she and Laurence mattered to each other, as Tom mattered to them all. But Kirsten was going to make that up to her, she was going to care for her and make sure she was there during all the dreadful times to come. It was ironic really to think that now, at last, Jane was so needed. It was what she had always wanted and Kirsten hoped that one day Jane would be well enough to understand just how much she had been needed.
‘Where is everyone?’ Laurence asked, walking into the sitting room and finding only Pippa.
‘Your parents have gone to some function at the American Embassy,’ Pippa answered, putting aside the manuscript she was working on.
‘And Tom?’
‘Upstairs. Sulking.’
Instantly Laurence’s face darkened. ‘Why?’
‘Why do you think?’
‘Did you smack him again, Pippa?’
‘As a matter of fact, yes. He deserved it. He was so bloody rude to me . . . Where are you going?’ she cried, getting to her feet as Laurence turned to leave the room.
‘To see to Tom, where do you think?’
‘Laurence! We’ve got to present a united front on this. He’s getting out of hand and you know it.’
‘What he’s getting is smacked,’ Laurence said tightly, ‘and I’m not siding with you on that, Pippa. You can’t expect to walk back into his life and have him behave as though nothing has happened. He doesn’t trust you. He’s afraid you’re going to leave him again.’
‘Bullshit! He’s afraid he’s never going to see Kirsten Meredith again, that’s what he’s afraid of.’
‘Of course he is. He loved her, Pippa, and he’s going to need some time to deal with it . . .’
‘He’s had over a month now, how much longer does he need?’ she snapped angrily.
‘How much longer do you need?’ Laurence countered.
Pippa turned away.
‘Look,’ Laurence sighed, letting go of the door and coming back into the room. ‘This hasn’t been an easy time for any of us, but I thought we agreed that Tom should come first.’
‘He does,’ Pippa said miserably. ‘It’s just that I get so hurt when he talks about Kirsten and what she would and wouldn’t let him do.’
‘I know,’ Laurence said, putting a hand on her shoulder. ‘But you’ve got to be patient, Pip. He’s just a child and all he can see right now is a mother who’s always angry with him.’
‘Always?’ Pippa said turning to look up at him.
Laurence nodded. ‘Pretty much.’
‘I do love him, you know that, Laurence, don’t you?’
‘Sure I do. You just got to convince him of that. And smacking him isn’t the way.’
‘But what am I supposed to do when he’s so defiant and throws those godawful tantrums the way he does? Do I just let him get away with it?’
‘No. But don’t hit him. Try to reason it out with him and tell him you love him.’
Pippa tilted her head to one side and brushed her cheek against his hand. ‘You still miss her too, don’t you?’ she said softly.
Laurence swallowed hard. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I miss her.’
‘Are we doing the right thing here, Laurence?’ Pippa asked, her eyes shining up at him the same way Tom’s did whenever he was unsure of something.
‘I don’t know,’ he answered, dropping his forehead on to hers. ‘I wish to God I did.’
‘I want it to work,’ Pippa whispered. ‘And I know you’re doing everything you can, so I guess it’s for me to try a bit harder, mm?’
‘I guess so,’ Laurence said, folding her into his arms. As he gazed up at the ceiling he was trying hard to suppress the resentment that was flooding through him. If only she would admit it wasn’t going to work, if only she would give up and go back to Zaccheo where she really belonged. Neither of them were happy and neither of them truly believed they could be, but until Pippa was ready to give up there was nothing he could do. Perhaps if Tom was willing to go with his mother it might make things easier, but as it stood, there was no way in the world Tom was going to let go of his father – he felt safe and secure in Laurence’s love and Laurence couldn’t even begin to contemplate doing anything to shatter that.
But, dear Christ, he missed Kirsten. Not a minute of the day went by when he didn’t think about her and long to pick up the phone and speak to her. He’d stuck by his promise not to call because he’d known it was her way of handling things, but it was tearing him apart. He was so afraid of what might be happening to her, how she was dealing with the blow of Jane’s death so soon after everything else. He knew she’d do everything she could to pull herself through, but what he didn’t know was whether, ultimately, she had the strength. She’d suffered too much in her life, was too vulnerable, too dependent on the love she had for him – as he was on the love he had for her. They shouldn’t be apart this way, they needed each other in a way that he and Pippa never had nor never would.
Lately, his sleeplessness had become constant and his inability to make love to Pippa was, he was sure, soon going to become permanent. He wanted only Kirsten, his entire body and soul ached for her in every way imaginable.
He was due to start work on a new project the following week, but his heart wasn’t in it. With Kirsten he could have gone to Hollywood and with Kirsten he guessed he could make just about anything work. But all the dreams they had shared of a great future together had turned to ashes the day Pippa had asked to come back. And now the fear that Kirsten’s life was falling irreparably apart haunted him night and day. He didn’t want to break his promise, but he knew that sooner or later he was going to pick up that phone because he just had to know if she was all right.
Hearing the front door close and his parents’ voices in the hall Laurence let Pippa go. ‘I’d best go see to Tom,’ he said.
Pippa smiled sadly. ‘I’ll come with you,’ she said. ‘And then, Laurence, I think we’d better talk. We’ve got to sort something out here, something that’s going to work for us all – but I thin
k you already know what the answer is.’
‘Do I?’ Laurence said.
‘Yes. You want her back. You can’t stop thinking about her . . . Neither can Tom. And if she can make you both happier than I can then perhaps I should go back to Zaccheo and leave you two to get on with your lives.’
For long moments Laurence looked down at her, then putting an arm around her shoulders as they turned to walk from the room and trying to hold back on the euphoria, he said, ‘At least we tried.’ Dear God, how he wanted to go to the phone right now and call her, to tell her he loved her and ask her to take him back. But Pippa was right, they had to talk first and sort out just what her relationship with Tom was going to be.
Smiling distantly to herself Kirsten looked down at the letter she was holding and read it again. It had arrived that morning along with a letter from her lawyer telling her that Dyllis Fisher had once again been refused bail and that there was every likelihood now that she would not only serve a prison sentence for conspiring to commit a murder, but would be forced to hand over the reins of her power to someone of a more stable disposition. Kirsten had thrown that particular letter away. She wanted to hear no more of Dyllis Fisher. The law would take its course and as far as Kirsten was concerned the bitter need for revenge that had driven Dyllis was not going to be what drove her. That was all a part of the past now and the only pleasure Kirsten could feel in Dyllis’s downfall was relief to be free of her.
The other letter however, Kirsten had kept and had read several times already that day. Each time she did she could only marvel at the cruel way life played these little tricks, reminding her of all she’d once dreamed of and letting her know that now it would never be. She wondered if Laurence had received the same letter, but reminding herself that it did no good to think that way, she put the letter down and ran upstairs to continue her packing.
Since she’d made the decision to leave, to take herself back to France and bring her baby up in the depths of Provence, she had felt much better. They would be happy there, the two of them, safe and secure and as unlikely to cause Laurence any more pain as they were to be discovered by the press. Paul had left her well enough provided for so that she need never work again, but she would fulfill the contract she had with the publisher and write her book. That wasn’t going to be easy, she knew, but she’d take her time over it and only write when she felt up to it. And maybe, one day, she would feel the need to go out into the world again and take on the challenge of getting her ideas on the screen. But for now that ambition had left her. Whether it had gone with Laurence or whether it was because she wanted her baby to come first she didn’t know and what did it matter? She was getting her life sorted out, she was coming through and though she missed him every hour, every minute of the day, she reminded herself constantly that in time the pain would ease. In time she would hold his baby in her arms and could give it all the love in her heart.