by Susan Lewis
For a moment she stopped what she was doing and sat down on the bed. She knew she was going to cry, was willing to let the tears come. The doctor had told her that bottling up her emotions the way she had been was no good for either her or the baby. It hadn’t been easy at first, but now she sometimes wondered if she would ever stop. And as the terrible voice of denial started to cry out inside her, trying to turn her back from a future without Laurence, she took the picture of him from beside the bed and hugged it to her.
Eventually she dried her eyes, got up and went into the bathroom to splash cold water on her face. It was all right, it really was, it was just that sometimes the memories stole over her and made it hard to be strong. She loved this house, had known such happiness here that she was dreading leaving it. But she could always come back, she reminded herself. There was nothing in the world that was making her do anything she didn’t want to do and right now she really did want to leave. She needed to sever the bonds that still tied her to Laurence, to remove herself from the temptation to call him and tell him how much she still loved him. In her heart she knew that his suffering was as great as hers and to do that to him would only make it worse.
Walking back into the bedroom she continued with her packing. She wished desperately that she had someone to talk to, someone with whom she could share all that was in her heart, maybe then the burden wouldn’t seem quite so great. Jane’s death, strangely, hadn’t come as such a surprise, but filling the void she had left was hard. She knew it was madness to blame herself for all that had happened, that in coming back she had brought only pain and misery to those she loved, but it was difficult not to. In her bleaker moments she saw herself as someone who carried bad luck with her, who was in some way tainted by the hand of misfortune and passed it on into the lives that touched hers. But thinking that way served no purpose and besides gloomy thoughts would make for a gloomy baby – or so she told herself.
As she snapped one suitcase shut and opened another she was wondering whether or not to call Helena before she left. It would be so good to hear her voice, to see her even and be able to apologize for all the hurt she must have caused her. Whether or not Helena would forgive her was hard to say. It had been over three weeks now since Helena had left a message on the answerphone. Had she not been pregnant Kirsten would have called her long before now, but she didn’t trust herself to see Helena and not tell her about the baby. If she did that then there was no doubt in her mind that Helena would go straight to Laurence.
However, now that the flight was booked for the following morning, her packing was all but complete and it was too late in the evening to ask Helena to come over, there was little chance she’d do more than say how sorry she was and wish Helena good luck for the future.
She looked across at the telephone and almost laughed at the bolt of nerves that began agitating her stomach. Maybe she should call Laurence, too. They should say goodbye, that way the break would be cleaner. In fact, now she came to think about it, to disappear without a word the way she was planning would hurt him immeasurably. So yes, maybe she should call him; she didn’t have to tell him where she was going, but she could at least let him know that she was all right.
The bedroom was in such chaos that she decided to go downstairs and use the phone. When she reached the landing she stopped. Was this really such a wise thing to do? They’d made a pact not to contact each other and though she longed every day for him to break his promise . . .
She started as the telephone rang. Instantly she wondered if it was him even though she knew it wouldn’t be. But it might be. This time it might just be him and allowing the hope to gather in her heart she ran down the stairs.
She didn’t even see the little toy train that she stepped on, neither did she see the packing case at the bottom of the stairs. It all happened so fast that all she knew was the blinding dagger of pain that shot through her head just before the ringing stopped and she was swallowed into the swirling realms of darkness.
39
Thea let herself quietly into the room and closed the door behind her. Helena looked up from where she was sitting beside the hospital bed, her fingers curled around Kirsten’s.
‘How is she?’ Thea whispered.
‘Still sleeping.’
Thea walked to the bed, leaned over and brushed a loose strand of hair from Kirsten’s face. ‘Thanks for letting me know,’ she said.
‘Have you told Laurence?’
‘No. Not yet.’
‘Will you?’
Thea smiled down at Kirsten’s pale face. ‘He tried to call her last night,’ she said. ‘There was no answer . . . Well, we know why now. Thank God you got to her in time.’
‘Helena?’ Kirsten croaked.
‘Yes, I’m right here,’ Helena said turning back to her. ‘How are you feeling now?’
Kirsten was blinking, trying to clear her vision. ‘I’m not sure. My head hurts . . . Where am I?’
Helena smiled. Obviously Kirsten had still been too dazed when she’d regained consciousness earlier to register anything Helena had told her. ‘In the hospital,’ she answered.
‘Why? What happ . . .’ Kirsten stopped and as she squeezed her eyes tightly closed Thea left the room to go and find the nurse.
‘Lie still,’ Helena admonished gently as Kirsten tried to lift herself up.
‘Who was in here?’ Kirsten asked.
‘It was . . .’ Helena stopped herself, any reference to Laurence might not be wise right now. ‘Just a nurse,’ she said.
‘How did I get here?’
‘By ambulance. I came round, last night. I thought it was time we patched things up.’ She laughed shakily. ‘Talk about leaving it until the eleventh hour. Anyway, I knocked and knocked. I could see the lights were on so I knew you were in. I was terrified you might have . . . Well, you know . . . So I ran next door to use their phone. The police broke the door down and the ambulance brought you here.’
Kirsten was shaking her head and smiling, as though silently chiding herself for having caused so much fuss. ‘Thank you,’ she said, tightening her hold on Helena’s hand. ‘I don’t deserve you as a friend after the way I treated you.’
‘It’s me who doesn’t deserve you,’ Helena whispered. ‘But we’ll leave that for another time.’
Kirsten looked down at their joined hands then lifted her head and smiled. ‘It wasn’t deliberate,’ she said. ‘I know you think it was . . .’ She swallowed hard on the lump rising in her throat. ‘I would never have done anything like that not when . . . not when . . .’
‘It’s all right,’ Helena soothed as Kirsten’s eyes filled with tears.
‘Helena, tell me, please . . . The baby . . . Is it all right?’
‘Baby?’ Helena repeated.
‘Oh God,’ Kirsten said, closing her eyes as fear pushed her heart into her throat. Surely that would have been the first thing they’d do, check if the baby was still alive and if they hadn’t mentioned it to Helena . . .
‘Helena, please, you have to find out for me.’
‘Find out what?’ Helena asked.
‘Whether or not I . . . I lost the baby when I fell.’
‘Oh Christ,’ Helena groaned. ‘You mean you’re pregnant. Oh God, Kirstie . . . I’ll go and fetch the doctor right away. You just stay right there. Don’t worry, it’ll be all right. I promise you, everything will be all right.’
When the door opened a few minutes later the doctor came in alone. Kirsten took one look at his expression and covered her face with her hands.
Later in the day, Helena brought Kirsten fresh clothes to travel home in. She wasn’t at all sure that the doctor would release Kirsten, but after he had checked her over earlier Kirsten had been so insistent that she was all right to leave that Helena had thought it wise to bring the clothes, if only to humour her.
When she walked into the room she found Kirsten sitting on the side of her bed looking . . . Helena blinked. She looked almost radiant. Of course her
cheeks were still pale, so too were her lips and the edge of the cut where she’d hit her head on the packing case showed vividly just beneath her hairline, but her eyes were shining so brightly they were very nearly dazzling.
‘For someone who’s just tried to top herself you look like you just won the pools,’ Helena remarked.
‘I didn’t try to top myself,’ Kirsten retorted. ‘And maybe I have won the pools. At least, in a manner of speaking.’
Helena eyed her sceptically.
‘Oh, Helena, you should see your face,’ Kirsten laughed. ‘I’m all right now, honestly. They wouldn’t be letting me go home if I weren’t.’
‘But I’ve never seen such a quick recovery. And are you sure the doctor said you could leave, because I’m warning you, I’m not being an accomplice to anything he hasn’t agreed to.’
‘If you don’t believe me then go right ahead and ask him yourself. We had a long chat this afternoon,’ she pulled a face, ‘I have to spend the next couple of weeks taking it easy, but on the whole he thinks we’ll both be all right. Oh Helena,’ she said as an unsuppressible emotion flooded from her heart. ‘I just can’t believe it . . .’
‘Hey,’ Helena laughed, taking Kirsten in her arms as tears started in her own eyes. ‘Come on now, that baby’s sure to be all right. After all he’s come through and he’s still hanging on.’
‘He?’
‘OK, she. What does it matter just so long as it’s all right?’
‘It doesn’t matter one bit,’ Kirsten laughed, using her fingers to wipe away the tears.
‘Why the hell didn’t you ring me?’ Helena said.
‘Why didn’t you ring me?’ Kirsten challenged.
Helena gave a wry smile. ‘Now that,’ she said, ‘is a long story and one I’m not particularly proud of. But we’ll save it, shall we, until you’re out of here and back on your feet.’
‘OK. But tell me what’s been happening to you?’ Kirsten smiled. ‘How are things working out with Dermott?’
Helena’s eyebrows arched comically as she pulled up the corners of her mouth. ‘We got married,’ she said. ‘Two weeks ago. He bulldozed me into it, but I’m kind of glad he did.’
‘Oh, Helena, congratulations,’ Kirsten laughed, putting her arms around her again.
‘I guess we’re destined for the divorce courts, at least that’s what I keep telling him, but I reckon we might rub along all right together. He’s not a bad sort of jerk as jerks go.’
Kirsten was laughing. ‘Did you have a honeymoon?’
‘Not yet and to tell you the truth I don’t want one. At least I don’t fancy what he wants very much.’
‘Why? What does he want?’
‘Brace yourself. He wants to take a nice slow train ride from anywhere to anywhere just so long as it’s slow and just so long as he can get off whenever he wants. Me, if I had to suffer that, I’d push him off just for being a dickhead, but I don’t guess we’ll be going anywhere until we get some money together. He’s hoping for a real bundle out of Dyllis for using his name the way she did, but in the meantime he’s as broke as I am.’
‘But haven’t the lawyers paid you for the movie yet?’ Kirsten said.
‘Sure they have, but we’ve got to live on something till Dermott gets what he’s calling his inheritance.’
‘I’ll tell you what,’ Kirsten laughed. ‘I’ve rented a cottage in Provence. I should have been going this morning. Well, I can’t now, at least not for another week or so, so why don’t you and Dermott go there?’
Helena was shaking her head. ‘You think I’m running off and leaving you now?’ she said. ‘Someone’s got to look after you and make sure you rest up and that’s just what I’m going to do. I’ve already told Dermott I’m leaving him for a fortnight. He’s threatening to come too, but don’t worry . . .’
They both looked round as someone knocked on the door, and the smile faded from Kirsten’s lips as Thea put her head in.
‘Thea?’ she said, feeling a painful lurch in her heart.
‘How are you feeling?’ Thea smiled.
Kirsten’s eyes darted to Helena. ‘Better,’ she said. ‘Yes, much better, thank you,’ but Helena could see the haunted look that had come into her eyes. Obviously Kirsten was thinking that she, Helena, might have told Thea about the baby.
‘It’s all right,’ Helena whispered, ‘No one knows. I haven’t breathed a word.’
‘Are you well enough to receive a little visitor?’ Thea asked.
Kirsten’s eyes widened with uncertain delight.
‘He’s right outside,’ Thea said. ‘Shall I get him?’
‘Yes,’ Kirsten said, starting to laugh. ‘Oh, please yes.’
Thea opened the door, popped her head out and said, ‘OK, put that back and then you can come in.’
Kirsten was already crying by the time Tom flung himself into her arms. ‘Kirstie!’ he shouted. ‘I’ve just had a go in a wheelchair!’
‘Have you?’ she laughed through her tears. ‘And what was it like?’
‘Brilliant. You ought to give it a go.’
‘I will,’ she said, holding him so that she could look at him and kiss him some more.
‘I’ve got a present for you,’ he declared.
‘You have?’
‘Yep, I did a painting of you. I put it up on my wall at home, but Granny said you might like to have it. So I brought it with me.’
‘Then where is it?’ Kirsten laughed.
Tom looked up at Thea, suddenly confused. ‘I forget the next bit,’ he said.
It was Kirsten’s turn to look at Thea in confusion. ‘I think he must have left it in the car,’ Thea laughed. ‘I’ll go and get it.’ At the door she turned back, and catching Helena’s eye signalled for her to come too.
‘So,’ Kirsten said to Tom when they were alone. ‘What have you been up to?’
‘Oh lots of things. But I missed you, Kirstie. I even cried because I missed you. Mummy got angry with me, but Daddy said it was all right to cry. He told me a secret. He said that he cried too because he missed you.’
‘Did he?’ Kirsten whispered shakily, ‘I miss him, too.’
‘Didn’t you learn yet how to keep a secret, Tom?’
Just the sound of his voice was enough to make Kirsten’s heart tighten so painfully that as she turned to see him standing at the door she felt an uncontrollable rush of tears lodge in her throat.
‘Hello,’ she said, swallowing hard as she tried to smile.
‘Hello.’ His eyes were dancing mischievously, but Kirsten could see the concern and instantly felt her cheeks colour. Did he too think she had tried to kill herself?
‘Did you bring in my painting, Daddy?’ Tom asked chirpily.
‘It’s right here,’ Laurence said, putting it on the end of the bed. ‘A pretty good likeness, huh?’
Kirsten felt a bubble of laughter rising from the very core of her heart as she looked down at the awkward spindly limbs, the fiery bush of hair and smiley face. ‘You’re so clever,’ she said to Tom, shaking him and squeezing him.
Laurence came to sit on the bed beside them and lifted a hand to run it over Kirsten’s hair. ‘I love you,’ he whispered. ‘If anything had happened to . . .’
‘It’s not what you think,’ Kirsten said. ‘It was an accident, I promise you.’
His eyes were looking deep into hers.
‘I swear it,’ Kirsten said, and at last he started to smile.
‘I tried to call you . . .’ he said. ‘Last night . . .’
‘You mean that was you?’
‘Yeah. Or I should say it was us,’ he added, chucking Tom under the chin.
‘I dialled the number,’ Tom said proudly. ‘I know it off by heart now.’
‘And what were you calling about?’ Kirsten asked, looking at Tom.
‘We were ringing to ask if we could come home,’ Laurence answered.
Kirsten’s heart stood still. She hadn’t heard him right, she couldn’t have . .
.
‘Can we, Kirstie, please? Can we?’ Tom begged.
Kirsten turned her eyes to Laurence. ‘I don’t understand,’ she said. ‘What about . . .?’
‘We’re getting a d-i-v-o-r-c-e.’
‘And c-u-s-t-o-d-y?’
‘Mine. She’s not going to fight it now. I’ll explain later, when old big ears here is out of the way. So what do you say, can these two guys who love you come home?’
‘Why are you crying, Kirstie?’ Tom said, his own chin starting to wobble. ‘Don’t you want us to come?’
‘Of course I want you to come, silly,’ she said, hugging him.
Laurence waited until she let Tom go, then turned her mouth to his and kissed her softly. ‘There’s something else I want to ask you,’ he murmured.
‘You mean about the letter? Did you get one too?’
Laurence looked baffled. ‘What letter?’
‘Never mind. I’ll tell you about it later. What were you going to ask?’
‘As a matter of fact I was going to ask you to marry me.’
‘Oh yes!’ Tom cried triumphantly. ‘Oh please, Kirstie, say you’ll marry us. Please.’
Both Kirsten and Laurence burst out laughing. ‘How can I possibly refuse,’ she said, ruffling his hair and feeling a deep sadness that Jane wasn’t there to share in this moment.
‘Oh yuk! Not more of them, Daddy,’ Tom cried, pushing Laurence away. ‘Come on, let’s go home.’