Wild Side

by Cynthia Ayman

  I consider it progress.

  The one thing that keeps me in my chair now is the awful, nagging thought I’ve had since he’s been gone that… well, there are girls there. I know how it goes. I really hope I don’t see anything in his eyes. I think I’ll figure it out if he slept with another woman. I hope so at least.

  I force myself to slowly put my book down when Poe turns to look at me with a smirk. “You’re not gonna go welcome your man?”

  There is a ball of nerves in my stomach as I’m torn between rushing to him and fearing that something happened. We had wild monkey sex the entire night before he left and, I won’t lie, I really pushed through the last round to make sure he was fully sated. I walked with bow legs two days in a row.

  Still. I hate this uncertainty. I hate the way it makes me feel.

  My fears vanish quickly, though. Apa is walking up the stairs just as a I step onto the porch, and he offers me a beaming smile.

  “Fuck, I missed you,” he murmurs before kissing me, hard.

  That’s not the kiss of a man who slept with another woman, I decide, and I melt in his arms almost immediately.

  Not that I know much about men who sleep with other women. I don’t think so at least. But it’s definitely a great kiss, full of heat.

  It almost seems as if he doesn’t let go of my lips for the next three hours or so - it’s not true because he got rid of his jacket and hoodie since we’re butt naked now, but it sure does seem like it. He is on his front, his arms hugging the pillow cushioning his face. It makes his biceps bulge. I can’t help but squeeze them, savoring the hard, tense muscles underneath the tattooed skin.

  I also discreetly check his back and shoulders. No new hickeys or scratch marks.

  “Everything went good?” he asks me eventually. We barely talked apart from the usual romantic lines like “fuck me harder” and “I’ll eat your pussy next round.”

  Spoiler alert, he did.

  “Abby?” he asks when I don’t reply, too busy replaying the way he made me sit on his face. A first for me but it won’t be a last because woah, especially with his scruff and-

  “Baby?”

  Right. “Sorry,” I mumbled. “Yes. Everything was great.”

  I missed you. I don’t say the words out loud, but I feel them hanging between us nonetheless.

  Even if the guys were only gone a few days, the club is always ready to throw a party. It’s nothing big or too crazy, but they’re grilling burgers and there’s music with a small bonfire. I would have prepared something sweet if I had known, but by the time I realize the house is buzzing with a little more activity than usual, it’s too late. Apa kept me in our room the entire day, then took a quick shower with me before heading downstairs to help the guys.

  “Here, it’s cold outside,” he tells me as he walks back inside our room when I finish getting dressed. I don’t bother trying to compete with the other girls and their sexy outfits and aim for comfortable instead. I won’t stay up late anyway. I grab the hoodie he’s handing me and slip it on. It’s big, all soft and well-used. I love it on Apa, but I think I love it even more on me. Judging by the small corner smile Apa is sporting, he shares my sentiment. He zips me up, slowly, then frees my hair and brushes it out of my face. His palms are large and warm on my cheeks as he cradles my face.

  “You’re so fucking pretty,” he murmurs as he gazes down on me. It does something to my stomach, the way he is looking at me. His words, too. I like to know that the guy I have a crush on finds me attractive. I know I’m not like the other girls, hot, sexy or even beautiful like Cassie for instance.

  Right now, though, in my old jeans and oversized hoodie, I feel like the prettiest girl in the entire world.

  “Babe, don’t look at me like that,” he says in a low voice, laughter bubbling behind each word he says.

  “Like what?” I ask teasingly, biting down on my lip as if I don’t know exactly what he’s talking about. Aaron has a way of making me feel confident. In return, I want to climb him like a tree.

  “We don’t have time. And you drained me, you saucy woman.” He still leans down to kiss me, and I love the way he smiles against my lips.

  A loud bang on the door breaks us apart as Reese pokes his head in. “Come on, love birds, enough with that. Abby, you went at the poor guy all day long, he needs to recharge.”

  I gasp. “I did not!”

  “Hey, I’m not judging, OK? I like my women frisky. And if he can’t handle you, feel free to stop by my room. I’ve always had more stamina.”

  The shadow passing on Aaron’s face surprises me. The guys always tease the hell out of each other, but it’s always in good fun.

  “I think I might be too attached to his piercing,” I say jokingly to make sure the conversation remains on the light side.

  Reese looks at me, wiggling his eyebrows before opening his mouth wide. “I go’ on’ too” he says as he sticks his tongue out.

  It’s the first time I really see it. I have never been close enough to see more than a glimpse of silver, and I can’t help but walk closer.

  Apa’s arm around my waist holds me back. “No.”

  “No?” I ask in disbelief, turning my head to face him. “I just want to take a look, I’m not gonna kiss him!”

  “I woul’n’t min’,” Reese says.

  “Stick your tongue back in your mouth,” Apa barks.

  Reese rolls his eyes and closes his mouth. “You are such a whiny bitch today. Abby, if he can’t satisfy you because he’s on the rag, my door is-”

  I squeal when Apa lets go of me to lunge at his best friend. Reese laughs, stepping out of the way and slamming the door closed.

  “We’re staying in,” Apa says as he rests a hand on the doorframe.

  “No! You said there would be s’mores!”

  “Abby, they’re all over my ass lately and believe me, we’ll have a better time here.”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why are they all over your ass?”

  Apa rubs his forehead. “Stuff. Club business.”

  Club business. The code for “don’t ask.”

  “Well, I’ll tell them off if they bother you if it comes to that, but you promised me s’mores, and I want s’mores now.”

  Apa tilts his head to the side, exhaling deeply. “Fuck… Abby…”

  I cross my arms and give him my trademark one-eyebrow lift.

  He shakes his head and his eyes travel to the ceiling. “Fuck me.”

  “Been there, done that,” I wisecrack.

  That makes him huff out a laugh. “That you did,” he agrees before opening the door. “But if they drive me nuts, we come back here.”

  He raises a hand to stop me when I’m about to protest, adding, “I’ll let you lick melted marshmallows from my stomach.”

  I close my mouth and nod. That totally works for me.

  His hand grabs mine as we make our way downstairs. We stop by a cooler to get some drinks. I refuse the beer Apa offers me, preferring a soda. There is an Adirondack chair by the fire, next to Lee and Poe. Apa pulls me onto his lap and lets me get comfy while Lee lifts his bottle of beer in silent greeting.

  “It’s quiet,” Apa says as I nurse my soda.

  “Yeah. I rather like it that way,” Lee replies with a chuckle.

  “Getting old, Prez.”

  “Fuck you. You spend your days in your room now, and you’re four years younger than me.”

  Apa eyes me, then winks. “Do you blame me, though?”

  Lee grins at me too as he shakes his head. “Not in the slightest. Don’t think I’d leave my room either.”

  I can’t help but blush at the way they are quite openly talking about me and my - very - physical relationship with Apa, but I know that’s just the way it goes here.

  Bear brings me a s’mores with a knowing smile, and I know I have to thank Apa as much as I have to thank him. I listen distractedly as he sits down with us and the men start to talk a
bout the other club Apa visited, and a guy named Stokes. The heat of the fire, the warmth of Aaron’s arms and all the exercising I did all day long are catching up to me. I’m dozing off slowly but surely, the only thing keeping me from falling asleep is the loud laughter that echoes around us every now and then and the high-pitched squealing from the girls. Eventually, Apa takes my almost empty can of soda from my hands when it threatens to spill on us. My hands are cold from holding it and he gently rubs them, still deep in talk with Lee and Bear.

  My mom once told me that it’s the little things that make a relationship. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why you fall in love with someone, and it’s often a collection of details that make the person unique.

  That’s how it is for me with Aaron.

  He’s focused on his conversation. It’s a little loud around us, with probably a lot of distractions. But even though we haven’t exchanged a word since we sat down, all his attention is on my well-being. He’s not about speeches or grand gestures. Yet, I’ve never felt more special to a guy before.

  “Come on, Abby. Time for bed,” he murmurs in my ear, tearing me away from my daydreaming.

  I yawn as I stand up, and I’m a little numb from staying in the same position for so long. Apa guides me with his hands on my hips as we go back inside, walking past at least two couples already half-naked.

  I wonder if I’ll ever get used to that.

  Chapter 20

  Abby

  Two nights later is yet another party night. We don’t spend much time downstairs either even though this party is for Apa.

  We’re lying on the bed, facing each other. Apa had some very specific requests for his birthday, and I did my best to accommodate him but I’m a little out of breath right now.

  “Is it me or does it get better every time?” he murmurs, his lips against mine as we savor our post-coital bliss. We’re snuggled underneath the duvet, our legs tangled.

  I grin. It does feel like it, as crazy as it sounds. I didn’t think our first night could ever be topped but boy, was I wrong. We know each other well now. Not just physically, we also talk a lot. I’m surprised at how much Aaron shares with me. Not about the club, no, I’m still kept firmly outside of that part of his life, or as much as possible seeing the circumstances. He talks more about his time in the Marines, his sudden decision to enlist on a whim, why he kept going back and how he came to realize that he decided to stop in time, before war did too much damage. He doesn’t sugar-coat things, and I feel honored that he doesn’t. Apa isn’t romantic, but then again you don’t get into a relationship with a biker and expect hearts and flowers. He pays attention to me, though. Discreetly. He is not into big gestures but remembers I like my coffee with milk and sugar and my tea plain. It’s a silly detail, but it matters to me. My heart always beats faster when he unconsciously gets me a cup of coffee just the way I like it, as if he’d been doing it for years.

  He rolls around until he is flat on his back and drags me along. His breathing is still a little fast and his heartbeat underneath my ear tells me that he hasn’t recovered yet. That doesn’t stop his hands from groping me because, of course not. He palms my ass with an appreciative groan that makes me snort against his chest. He slaps it next, making me slap his pec in return.

  “Hey!”

  “Quiet,” he orders as his large hands start massaging my backside. It feels good, too, but then again, everything feels good with him. His fingers trail south, and I lift my head to narrow my eyes at him.

  “Apa…”

  He smiles innocently when he brushes against the forbidden entrance. I clench my butt although, if I’m honest, it kinda feels nice, like intriguing nice, not omg I’m going to climax. “Yes, babe?”

  “I told you that is a no-go zone,” I remind him sternly. I don’t move away because I know he won’t push me further. He loves to tease me about it but never breaches past limits I put.

  “I’m sorry, is it the wrong spot?” he asks, his tone full of fake surprise. I should scold him, but he gives me one of his boyish smirks and those are my kryptonite. “You know geography has never been my strong suit.”

  “I think you mean biology,” I say with a laugh.

  “I beg your pardon, but the way you came a few minutes ago makes it quite clear biology is my strong suit.”

  “That ego of yours.” I roll my eyes but he’s also not really wrong.

  “No, babe. You mean that cock of mine.” He lowers his head to whisper in my ear. “At least that’s what you rambled about.”

  I force myself to ignore the heat of his breath against my neck and push back so I can glare at him. “I did not!”

  He lifts an eyebrow. “You said, and I quote, ‘God, Aaron, your cock, your cock, oh my God, your cock’ about three seconds before you came all over it.”

  My face combusts, and I hide it against him. I want to say he is lying, but there is a strong possibility I really did say that. I’ve gotten much more vocal since we started having sex.

  “My woman is kinky,” he murmurs as he pushes my hair away from my face and gently forces me to meet his eyes. His finger trails my lips, and he grins when I bite down on it. “I like it.”

  His hands slip in the crooks of my arms and he drags me up his body until my face is directly above his. The way he is looking at my lips is self-explanatory, and I don’t need to be convinced. I kiss him, gently, my arms slipping under his pillow and my legs now between his. His warmth surrounds me completely as he holds me tightly against him and lets me take the lead. You would think that after a round of hot sex, he’d be snoring his head off, but Apa genuinely enjoys cuddling, allowing us to float back to earth at our own rhythm.

  I cherish those moments, when it’s just the two of us, and he is so tender that I almost believe he feels the same way I do.

  Because, yes, I’m in love with him.

  Of course, I am.

  There really was no way it could have ended differently, right? I knew it and I stayed nonetheless, thinking it was better to live with remorse than regrets.

  Better doesn’t necessarily mean less painful, unfortunately. I have a feeling that leaving him is going to rip my heart in two. But I have to. I know that I have to. We have no future together, and I can’t stay around in his room and let my life go on while I’m stuck in some weird limbo. I was a businesswoman. I want to be one again. I want to work in my own kitchen, have my own place.

  When I almost left, a few weeks ago, I knew I’d eventually have to make a decision. My deadline was March 2nd. The day after Apa’s birthday.

  My decision is made, and it’s bittersweet, but it’s also for the best. I’ll need time to heal and put myself back together after him, but I’m confident I can do it. I’m strong.

  It’s a little bit funny because even though he got tested, and everything came back clear, we never had sex without a condom. Apa told me that he’d wait for me to give him the green light. I never did. He never asked. It was almost like we both sensed our relationship had a clear end date and it was pointless to allow ourselves even closer.

  Yes. It’s better that way.

  I’ll have my pictures and a bunch of good memories. They won’t make up for the piece of my heart I’m going to leave behind, but it’s OK.

  I won’t tell him either. Tomorrow is Wednesday, his longest day at the workshop. I’ll leave him a note and get into my car. I can’t do goodbyes with him.

  I watch him as he falls asleep, his strong jaw, the scruff that I love so much. He looks softer in his sleep, even if he snores a bit. I smile a little at that because my perfect biker isn’t so perfect after all. But for a few weeks, he was all mine and that… that was perfect.

  Chapter 21

  Apa

  I notice right away that something is off, even if I can’t exactly pinpoint it.

  Abby’s car is gone, but it’s not like I keep tabs on my woman. She comes and goes as she pleases, especially since I fixed her car. She still needs a new one, but she r
efused to accept one of ours even on loan and doesn’t like to drive my truck. She tried once and then said it was too big for her, which made me laugh my head off because it wasn’t the first time she had said something like that regarding something of mine. Not that it convinced her to try again, but I’m not losing hope.

  It’s when I walk into the clubhouse that an uneasy feeling creeps up my back. I head to the kitchen, and it takes me a moment to realize what seems so off.

  For the first time in weeks, the house doesn’t smell like a bakery. There is no one around, apart from Spike who is snoring his head off on the couch. And I can see that Abby’s supplies are gone.

  At first, I think there must be an explanation. Maybe she took everything to the diner or to Maisie’s to make a demo. I hurry upstairs, mostly to make sure her stuff is still there.

  It’s not. The bathroom is cleaned of all her girly stuff. My closet doesn’t hold her clothes anymore. There is nothing on my desk or nightstand that appears to belong to her.

  I find a note on my bed.

  Aaron,

  I’m sorry. I know the proper thing to do would have been to tell you face to face, but I honestly didn’t have the strength to do it. We both knew this couldn’t last and I made a promise to myself when I found out about the club rules that I would make a decision after your birthday.

  I loved our moments together, but our lives are too different. Mine has been on hold, and you were right, a part of me needed that to bounce back. I just can’t keep going this way, I have to move forward eventually.

  I wish things were different, I wish we could find a way to make this work because whatever we had, it was beautiful to me. But if I stay, it will eventually destroy me, and I think you know it too. I’m not cut out for this life, not the way you are. I’ll never be able to accept sharing you. And at some point, it’s going to happen, and I know it will hurt even more to leave then.